The WWW Club

by Anita Notaro

  Ellie’s sister Claire was babysitting Rudi, who showed no emotion whatsoever when a complete stranger took him off. Ellie couldn’t believe how free she felt—free and monumentally guilty.

  The girls exchanged presents but their banter was subdued and the slagging nonexistent—everyone was conscious that Pam was lonely and Ellie was numb. All talk of weight was abandoned and even Da’s or G & T’S ears wouldn’t have been burning. They weren’t in the mood.

  Afterward, they hugged and kissed and promised to spend New Year’s Eve together and Ellie collected the baby and headed for Jack’s, where the place resembled feeding time at the zoo.

  “Girls, please, Ellie will go home in five seconds if you don’t leave her alone.” Jack needn’t have bothered. The kids were all over her like a rash, a real baby offered much more scope than even the noisiest Little Miss whatever.

  “Jess, remember what I said—be gentle.” He looked worried. “She asked me earlier if his arms and legs came out,” he explained with a very creased brow. “She has a baby doll that does all sorts of tricks.” After a couple of anxious minutes Ellie abandoned all concerns for Rudi’s safety and sat him on the floor where the girls circled him like vultures.

  Kate took her coat and Bill brought her a glass of bubbly, which for the first time in her life she didn’t want.

  “You look lovely, Ellie. What have you done to your hair?” Kate asked, smiling, glad the younger woman appeared to be making an effort.

  “Just a trim and highlights. The girls made me, they even bought me this top and new jeans and boots.”

  “You’ve lost weight.” Kate could have bitten her tongue off. “What I mean is …” She sounded flustered.

  “Don’t worry, I know exactly what you mean and you’re right.It’s one of the very few positives from all this. I’ve been off my food, although in the last few days I’ve been comfort eating—Mum’s Christmas pudding, especially. I keep stealing slices from the bottom and she can’t understand because it still looks exactly the same but she says it’s shrinking.” They were laughing together and Jack watched her, relieved.

  “You’ve been seeing a lot of your mum, then?”

  “Yeah, I know that underneath it all she’s worried, especially since Rudi is still with me. So I’ve been dropping by for an hour most days, hence the addiction to her pudding, which she never lets us touch till Christmas Day.”

  They chatted on and Kate had lots of questions about Rudi, but she decided to tread carefully.

  Jack had called in the experts to do the food and so they ate well—a large smoked ham, lots of salads and a fragrant, lemonscented chicken dish with rice were on offer and the kids had decent sausages and real chicken bits—not a nugget in sight. Bill was better than Father Ted at making them laugh and the fire and the alcohol made them all drowsy.

  The presents cured that. It was bedlam. Ellie had never seen such abandonment—paper everywhere, hugs and kisses offered freely and whoops of delight at barely two-second intervals. It was so different from her own family’s controlled gaiety that it made her eyes water, not that it took much for that to happen these days. Rudi sat in the middle of it all and looked terrified. He didn’t touch any of his presents but the girls opened them and ran around demonstrating everything. Kate gave Ellie a fluffy dressing gown and the girls bought matching slippers and Jack gave her a gorgeous Lainey sweater. She was mortified because her offerings comprised selection boxes for all the kids, a book for Bill and a CD for Kate and a bottle of single malt for Jack, all bought by Pam in her store at midnight the night before.

  “I don’t know what to say, this is all way too generous, I’m afraid I—”

  “Listen, my wife has nothing else to do but flex my increasingly fragile cards, and we had to stop Jack buying you a Cartier watch to keep you with him,” Bill whispered as he topped up her drink and patted her back nervously. “Don’t get all emotional on me or I’ll force you to sing karaoke on Sarah’s new thingy. She’s been trying to teach me ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ or something equally revolting all day. Whatever happened to ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’? It’s quite frightening really. When she opened it just now she uttered the immortal line, ‘Oh, deadly buzz, ta Pop.’ I shudder to think how much I’m paying for her education this year, so that she can learn English.” Ellie couldn’t help laughing, he had that effect on most people.

  Later, she helped Jack stack the dishwasher while Kate played with the kids and Bill dozed and Rudi just looked on.

  “So, tell me about tomorrow, what are the plans?”

  “You wouldn’t believe it if I said, it’ll be as different to today as fish fingers are to sole on the bone.” He raised an eyebrow.

  “My family are … careful.” She felt disloyal saying even that, but he’d seen her mother’s thin lips that turned downward and her father’s permanently anxious smile at the funeral, so he understood.

  “I don’t know where they got you, so?”

  Now it was her turn to arch her brows. “Is that good or bad?”

  “Good, of course.” He realized she was teasing. “Well, if you must know, since you haven’t been here I’ve realized how good you’ve been for the girls—in fact for all of us, really. They keep telling me about all the little things you do that make them laugh. I’m afraid I can’t compete.”

  “Nonsense, you’re a great—”

  “No, it’s true.”

  “Thank you.” Neither of them seemed to know what to say.

  “Kate told me that today was your brother’s anniversary.” Ellie wanted to mention it. He looked caught out for just a split second.

  “Yes. It was a long time ago but still, you never forget.”

  “Were you very close?”

  “Yes, although he was only seven.”

  “Younger or older than you?”

  “Younger by just over two years. “I was supposed to be minding him …”

  “What happened?” Her voice was gentle.

  “We were playing in the garden. He was kicking his ball against a wall. I was digging. The ball rolled away, the gate was open … he ran, shouting. I ran after him but a truck was thundering along …”

  “I’m so sorry …”

  “He was killed instantly. On Christmas Eve, can you imagine?”

  “It must have been awful.”

  “Yeah.” He sighed. Neither of them spoke for a second. He had a far-away look in his eyes and she wanted to hug him.

  “It took a long time to get over.” He seemed to try and shake off the memory. “So …” He bent down and started messing with the dishes to avoid looking at her. “When are you coming back to us?”

  Ellie knew she had to tell him sometime. “I don’t think I will be. I can’t. I’m really sorry.” She hadn’t intended saying it today, hadn’t really thought it through fully. It came out all wrong.

  Thirty-seven

  “When did you decide this?” He hoped he sounded calm.

  “It’s not that I’ve really decided, it’s just that …” Her eyes filled with the ubiquitous tears. “I have a child now. Everything’s changed.”

  “Do you want to stop working here?” His voice was gentle. “No, but I can’t continue …” She wasn’t sure of anything. “Bring him with you.” He wasn’t sure either. “What?”

  “I mean it.” Suddenly, he realized he did.

  “But I couldn’t work properly, it just wouldn’t—”

  “Well, put him into playschool with Jess, then.”

  “I don’t know if I could afford it.” There was no point in not being honest, he deserved that much.

  “We’ll work it out, don’t worry.”

  “No, I really don’t think …”

  “Well, don’t then.” He put his finger to her lips. It felt like an intimate gesture. “At least, don’t make a decision now. You think too much, that’s your problem. Live with the idea for a day or two.” Her chin was edging toward the floor. Kindness always did that to her.
He caught it just in time, forcing her to look at him. “You have been very, very good for this family and I—we—don’t want to lose you.” He couldn’t believe he was saying this when he’d done everything to avoid having her in the first place. Must be the champers, he thought, smiling to himself.

  “You two look very cozy.” Kate glanced from one to the other and realized she’d disturbed something. She could have kicked herself for bursting in like that. She tried to rescue the situation. “Sorry, am I interrupting?” She winced at the way it came out.

  “I was just telling Nora that we can’t live without her.” He never took his eyes off her face.

  “I knew that the moment I set eyes on her.” Kate decided to add her tuppence worth. “Anyone for a top-up?” was all she could think of to say.

  “Not for me, thanks,” Jack shook his head. “Just convince her to stay, will you, sis? I’ll go and wake up your husband. I can hear his snores from here and they’re not pretty. Might frighten the baby.” He strolled off.

  “Are you OK?” Kate asked and Ellie nodded.

  “Here, sit down, I’ll put the kettle on.” She turned away to give her a second. “Actually, I forgot. The caterers made fresh coffee just before they left. Like a cup?”

  “Yes, please.” Ellie blew her nose, even though she hadn’t been crying. “I’m sorry, I’m all over the place and I can’t seem to make decisions and people being nice to me makes it worse.”

  “Well, I can solve that one.” She poured two cups, grabbed milk and sat, forcing Ellie down with her. “I’m not being nice, honestly—just practical and a bit selfish when I tell you that you’re the best thing that’s happened to this family in a long time. No, wait,” she held up her hand as Ellie tried to protest. “The girls love you, the house has become a home and even Jack, who has the manners of a little boy racer sometimes, sees that. He told me the other day you’d changed his life.” Her smile was completely genuine. “And in turn you’ve changed my life too because I was really worried about the three of them. So,” she reached over and rubbed Ellie’s hand, “I’m afraid you’re not getting away that easily. Why don’t you forget about it for the next few days and see how you feel then?” Ellie felt like one of those stuffed dogs you often see in the back of Fiesta cars. She just kept nodding.

  “Good, now let’s go assemble that giant monster thing. Bill started it earlier, but he always gets in knots. Last year he swallowed two fingers and a sword belonging to one of the robots, because he kept trying to hold all the pieces in his mouth and read the instructions at the same time. Sam had wanted it for months and the bloody thing never got finished. Come on,” she stood up and put her arm around Ellie. “Don’t look so worried, it’ll be fine.” But Ellie wasn’t so sure.

  Next day was the big one. It passed off well, or maybe Ellie’s expectations were so low that it could only have surpassed them, no matter how much Bird’s trifle she had to eat. Pam helped enormously, as did her sister Claire, and the new boyfriend played with Rudi for ages, so after a while Ellie’s mum stopped looking terrified that he’d puke on her expensive patterned carpet, which looked like vomit swirls anyway, or smash her completely useless crystal menu holder. Ellie’s mum was still the only person alive who typed up a menu for every occasion—on her ancient typewriter—and polished the ridiculous glass thing every year. The dining room was only used for special occasions anyway, so her parents were particularly precious about it. And all that for marrowfat peas and lumpy smash! Jamie’s school dinners had nothing on it.

  Later, back at Pam’s house, the two girls put the baby to bed, opened a bottle of wine and had a good laugh. Pam was relieved, she had been slightly afraid that Ellie hadn’t noticed anything about the day at all, and that would have been seriously worrying.

  “Even the sherry to start was awful, and I could still taste it in the trifle hours later.” Ellie hadn’t yet recovered.

  “She did mention that it was last year’s bottle, and even I know sherry doesn’t keep once you open it.” Pam was glad to see her friend smile.

  “Ugh, and those pre-packed turkey and ham portions …”

  “They weren’t?” Even Pam knew she wouldn’t go that far.

  “I’m sure they were.”

  “The stuffing was definitely made by Paxo …”

  “Not to mention the vol-au-vents …”

  “Campbell’s soup and pastry was all I could taste.” Pam ran her tongue round her mouth and grimaced.

  “It was the smell of sprouts stewing that got me.” Ellie wrinkled her nose.

  “The Christmas cake was my personal highlight.”

  “I think she made it in June. I told her she needed to keep pouring brandy on top to preserve it but she wouldn’t listen. I swear I scrapped off a bit of mold—”

  “Enough, I feel sick.” Pam was wiping her eyes. “It’s no wonder you can’t cook, darling. Your mother would put anyone off.”

  “Listen, compared to that I’m Darina Allen. And remember, that’s her making a huge effort. You should try her tripe and onions every Tuesday. It gives a whole new meaning to the word delicacy. And you know, they could afford to have caterers in every year, or treat us all to a fancy hotel.”

  The phone rang and Pam jumped up. It was the boys, they’d rung earlier in the day as well, so they were obviously missing their mum, despite the twenty-four-hour diners and endless supply of Hershey’s bars.

  The next few days passed in a blur of Milk Tray and black-and-white westerns and afternoon tea and Little House on the Prairie re-runs. Maggie came back beaming, sporting very pretty silver earrings, and Toni returned to find a gift voucher for Harvey Nics for millions loitering on her mat in the hall. Suddenly it was New Year’s Eve and they were excited because Kate had invited all four of them to her annual bash. Ellie said no but the girls insisted, especially when she made the mistake of telling them that Jack said there was always a great crowd there, a smattering of Bill’s celebrity clients and a handful of trendy lawyers.

  “That’ll do nicely,” Pam assured Ellie.

  Because she couldn’t get a sitter for less than a thousand euros Rudi came too, which slightly tarnished her image as a carefree girl about town, but Kate’s Sarah took him out of her arms in the hallway and brought him to the master bedroom that doubled as a crèche and Ellie didn’t see him for hours.

  “Hello, there.” Jack appeared and Ellie had to fight for floor space as three well-endowed Sex and the City lookalikes swung into action. She stood back, a bit self-conscious since he’d said all those nice things to her on Christmas Eve. He shook hands with them and kissed Ellie on the cheek. “Let me get you all a drink.” He looked around. “Where’s the baby?” Everyone called him that. Rudi was just too like Rover, no matter how many times you said it.

  “Sarah’s kidnapped him.” Toni was gazing at him and licking her lips. I’d like to kidnap you, was practically tattooed on her forehead.

  Lots of people came to chat, mostly because of Toni, Maggie suspected, not really caring, thanks to her gorgeous new boyfriend safely tucked up in bed—in training for the rowing club next morning at seven, she told the girls. If Pam hadn’t seen him she’d have suspected he was shagging someone else.

  Toni did indeed look stunning. She’d definitely lost weight and she was wearing low jeans, tower-block-high boots and a really sexy silver halter-neck top. Her boobs were still practically up against her chin—Pam hoped there was sticky tape involved, otherwise they were all doomed.

  Maggie was dancing about looking like she’d ants in her pants and Ellie and Pam were laughing with a guy who clearly thought he was a younger version of Elton John, judging by the rug and the jacket.

  “He reminds me of someone. Who? Quick.” Pam asked as soon as his back was turned.

  “I was just thinking the same thing. It’s Father Dougal.”

  “Who?”

  “You know, the young fella from Father Ted, the one with all the hair. A bit thick.”

  “That
’s it exactly, he even has the accent.” Pam was delighted. Ellie smiled as the guy came back over to them and she looked around and noticed Jack and Toni talking by the window. She was just about to join them when Kate cornered her and asked for her help.

  “Yes, sure, anything to get away. Who’s yer man?”

  “Bill’s brother.”

  “Oh my God, I’m sorry I—”

  “Don’t be, we’ve been mortified by him for years. Cross between Jimmy Saville and Alan Titchmarsh. Serious identity crisis, which wouldn’t be a problem except that he thinks he’s Bono. Stop laughing, you.” She poked Ellie in the ribs. “I’ve had years of it.”

  “You married into a right family. I admire your courage,” Ellie said with a grin and followed her into the kitchen. They began to wash and dry some glasses. “Actually, let me just check on Rudi, first. I haven’t seen him since I arrived.”

  “Sure, second on the right upstairs. But I should warn you, last time I put my head in, the girls were painting his nails violet.”

  Ellie was still smiling as she pushed open the door of the bedroom. The girls were watching a movie, gathered in a heap on bean bags on the floor, older ones as engrossed as the tots. In a corner, Rudi was propped up with pillows, sucking his shiny blue thumb. Jack was kneeling in front of him with his back to the door, chatting.

  “Hey, buster, how ya doin?” He was right down at the child’s level. “You are one gorgeous fella, d’ya know that? And we are goin’ to have great fun together in the New Year. I’m gonna teach you to swim and play football and everything, so make sure you tell your new mum that you want to come back to us, ’cause we think you’re great.” He leaned over and ruffled the child’s hair, then gently kissed him on the head. It was a funny moment for Ellie, but not funny ha ha. The Jack she didn’t know was back again. Something had changed for her that evening at the funeral and her brain was too full of Rudi and Olga to sort it out just now. All she knew was that when he’d held her that night it had felt right. Like coming home. She could still smell the lemony scent of him and she remembered how soft his neck had been when she’d buried her head on his shoulder. It was too difficult for her to figure out what all this meant. For now she only knew it was different. And that, for her, there was no going back to the way it had been before.