The WWW Club

by Anita Notaro

  “Actually, you do look tired. Here, sit down for a minute and talk to me.” He’d been so busy and she was so efficient that he hadn’t really been paying her any attention since she’d come back, he realized now. “I probably haven’t been much help,” he apologized. “Deadlines always consume me and you’ve been rushing off every evening, so I guess our routine’s been knocked for six.” He saw she was quite pale. “You’re not dieting again, are you?”

  “I wish. No, but the weight is falling off me.” She pulled out the waistband of her trousers to show him. “I can’t remember the last time I had any interest in food.”

  “What’s up?”

  “I’m just exhausted all the time and I’m worried about Rudi.” She looked down at him, staring as usual. “He’s so quiet. In fact, I can’t even blame him for my lack of energy. He makes no demands whatsoever.” The truth was she’d been wondering what her future held—single parent, not a lot of money, no prospects as her mother would say. Suddenly, everyone around her seemed to be getting on with life. Maggie was in a solid, cozy relationship; Pam had joined a complementary therapy class and was wafting around smelling of jasmine and extolling the virtues of agnus castus for heavy periods, even though no one had any problems whatsoever in that direction. Toni was so busy practicing her asanas or something that two of her patients had to be taken to hospital—one because he’d ducked to avoid her outstretched arm and broken his hip and another because she’d had a minor heart attack thinking Toni was going to clock her when she was only trying to touch her right ear with her left toe. All their energy made Ellie feel even more exhausted.

  “Mentally, I’m a hundred and four.” She looked about five as she said it, but Jack could tell she was close to tears. He was slow where women were concerned sometimes, but now he got the message.

  “Look, Nora, some of this is my fault. I should have been more understanding, it’s just—”

  “It’s not you. It’s just that there’s no fun in my life anymore.” As she said it she realized that she was feeling mighty sorry for herself. “Actually, I did have a bit of fun with the girls the other night.” She grinned up at him, realizing that she’d missed their chats. “Toni made us all strip off at the club. It’s part of her new ‘learn to love your love handles’ regime. Another bestseller, bought from Amazon, I suspect.”

  The mere thought of the four of them taking their clothes off aroused him. “Tell me all.”

  “Only if you take that leering look off your face.” He blushed and then she realized what he might have been thinking and blushed too.

  “I was just thinking that men would never, ever, take off their clothes for an inspection with their mates.”

  “Really?”

  “I’d say they’d rather eat rat droppings.” He gave her a cheeky grin. “But then, the thought of you four peeling off your—”

  “Hold that thought right there, mister. It was about as sexy as a glamorous granny contest.”

  “Go on, I’m so sexually deprived that it’s probably worth hearing anyway. Tell me all.”

  She did and he fell about laughing, all raunchy thoughts forgotten. He wanted all the details. She liked that, it was unusual in a man.

  “By the way,” she decided it was now or never, “remember the deal about whoever lost half a stone first?” He didn’t, probably because she’d been too mortified to tell him.

  “So who won?” he asked after she’d explained, wondering if she was about to ask him out.

  “Toni.”

  “Toni?” He was confused.

  “So now we each have to find her a date.”

  “Shouldn’t be too difficult.” He was remembering how well she’d looked on New Year’s Eve.

  “You’re the only single person I know,” she offered by way of apology in advance.

  “Me?” He never thought of himself as single.

  “Would you do it?”

  “Hang on, let me get this straight. Toni’s won a date off each of you, and you want me to be your offering?”

  “Would you?”

  “Yeah, why not?” Toni wasn’t really his type but it might be fun and besides, he could practice his charms again, he decided, warming to the idea.

  “You will?” She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  “Who pays?”

  “I don’t know but I can check it—”

  “J-O-K-E.” He pulled a face and she laughed in spite of herself. “Listen, Nora,” he leaned over in his chair and tilted her chin up, “I haven’t seen you smile in ages, so it’s already worth it and yeah, it might be fun, although I’m a bit rusty. You’d better warn her. Oh, and it might be best not to mention any of this to the girls. Girlfriends for Daddy were popular once for about five seconds, when they reckoned that anyone on the scene would spoil them senseless. Then someone at school told Georgia, who told Sam—stick with it—that her new stepmother made her eat shepherd’s pie and wear patent shoes with bows on the front. Now anyone new is right up there with parsnips in terms of things they do not want to face.”

  “Of course I know that. I already overheard Georgia telling Sam that if you ever marry again she and Jess should consider moving to Jamaica.”

  “Why Jamaica?” He looked puzzled.

  “She’s just discovered Bob Marley.”

  “Nora, she’s twelve, if even that.”

  “Thirteen,” Ellie corrected him. “Thirteen going on thirty. Did you see that movie?”

  He hadn’t.

  “Anyway, I think it’s just dreadlocks in general. And dark skins. One of Georgia’s teachers is seriously cool. Sam pointed him out to me the other day. Wooh,” she pretended to fan herself. “Very sexy.”

  “In my day teachers wore tweed caps and cycled to work with their lunch in a box. Think Mr. Chips.”

  “Well, for this guy think Eminem dipped in chocolate. And I think he keeps his lunch down the front of his trousers.” She forgot who she was talking to for a split second.

  “Nora!” He was pretending to look shocked but she was having none of it.

  “Well, men look at women’s breasts and we’re not supposed to notice things at all. Anyway, with Mr. Johnson you couldn’t help yourself. His lunch was very tightly packed and I’d say he had a few Scotch eggs in there.” They both started laughing again and it cheered Ellie up.

  “I’ll text Toni now,” she said when they’d calmed down after trading a few more teacher stories. She didn’t know what else to say so she got on with it.

  “By the way, there’s one condition.”

  “What?” She didn’t look up.

  “You babysit.”

  She wasn’t sure she wanted to be this close to his date, but felt she couldn’t refuse.

  “OK.”

  “Right then, suggest Friday night, that way you could stay over.” He was putting this together as he spoke. “Then, on Saturday, I’m going to arrange a day out for all of us.” Ellie looked surprised. “My treat.”

  “But what about Rudi?”

  “Oh, I thought we’d just leave him here for the day.”

  “Seriously.”

  “What do you think? He comes with us, of course. We all go, even Rashers.” She looked skeptical.

  “We’ll have a picnic.”

  “Jack, it’s January.”

  “We’ll have a picnic in a fun factory. I dunno. I’ve only just thought of it.” Her eyebrows were up around her hairline. “Leave it to me. I have a plan.” He didn’t, but women liked that sort of thing, or so he thought.

  Her phone bleeped about twenty seconds later.

  “Toni says great and will she pick you up?”

  “No, the girls, remember? I’ll have to tell them a story.” He thought for a second. “Tell her I’ll pick her up in a cab about eight.” She relayed the message.

  “Where does she live?”

  “In a very cool apartment in the IFSC building.”

  “In town, great. Where should I bring her?”
/>   “Dinner?”

  “Even I figured that one out. But where? I’m kinda out of touch, you know.”

  “Let her choose, then. She knows every trendy bar and restaurant in Dublin and the neighboring counties.” Ellie was trying very hard not to be bitter.

  “Good idea. Will you tell her to book somewhere?”

  “Fine.” She started to text. “Actually, take down her number, otherwise I’ll be a go-between for the week. You can text each other senseless.”

  “I don’t have a mobile.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Have you ever seen me with one?”

  Come to think of it, she hadn’t.

  “OK, she’s to book.” She sent the message. “Now, here’s her address and phone number.” He jotted it down.

  “Hang on, another one.” She hit the button. “She says she’ll meet you in, eh, I’ve no idea. She’s spelled it wrong. Anyway, she’ll meet you there.”

  “How will I know where?”

  “You’ll cope. You’re on your own now.” Ellie had had enough, she’d done her bit.

  Forty-one

  Toni was delighted. It had all gone much more smoothly than she’d imagined. One down, two to go. And that meant she’d be able to keep Jack Bryant on his toes, which was nice. The Over-90s Ladies Cinema Group were watching Grease that afternoon, so she went around humming “You’re The One That I Want” for the rest of the day.

  “I know that song.” Mr. Collins started singing something she’d never heard of. Mind you, his teeth were loose, which didn’t help. “It’s one of Bobby Darin’s songs.”

  “Grease, actually.” She rubbed his back.

  “Something to do with the sea, I think.”

  “Travolta,” she shouted as she shuffled across the room.

  “It’s not revolting at all.” He looked quite put out.

  Toni just smiled. She even let him dunk the ginger nut biscuits without wearing his yellow plastic bib with the drip tray.

  She planned Friday night with the same enthusiasm as Maura Ferguson—a young, pretty nurse she hated—was planning her four-day, 350-guest wedding with the twelve-tier—different filling in every one—cake and the hand-sewn, twenty-two-thousand bead dress. Suddenly, she detested new money, a hangover from Gordon perhaps.

  Maura’s husband-to-be was a jockey and Toni reminded her sweetly that he’d have to be lifted up to cut the cake if she wasn’t careful. That shut her up.

  She booked Cruzzo’s in Malahide, close to where Jack lived, she wanted him to see she could be quite provincial if needed. She also told him—via Ellie—that she’d meet him there at eight. Toni liked to make an entrance.

  Jack was slightly uneasy as the day drew near. He’d no idea how to behave on a date, not a clue how to dress—jeans or a suit? He was equally unsure if he’d be expected to snog her or shag her at the end of the night. Where had all his confidence gone? he wondered.

  “Down the sink with most of your hair,” Kate teased him when he plucked up the courage to tell her. She was delighted, although she worried slightly that Toni might get her claws into him. That one was on the lookout for a husband, preferably a rich one, and Jack could easily fit the bill.

  “Jeans or a suit?”

  “For God’s sake, it’s dinner in one of our poshest locals. You can’t turn up in jeans, they probably wouldn’t let you in.”

  “Good point, sis.”

  “Buy yourself some new clothes.”

  “Are you mad? I’ll never wear a suit again. My cotton sweat pants have a shiny arse, for God’s sake. I live in them.”

  “I know and they’re awful. Ring up Louis Copeland, he’ll send you out a load of stuff. You’re a famous author, remember?”

  “Get outta here.” He poked her playfully, but later in the day he did just that, then panicked in case Ellie saw them arriving and slagged him or, worse, spilt the beans. He rang the shop back and asked them to call him before the delivery van left, so that he could intercept the arrival.

  Kate voiced her concerns to her husband that night and he was still guffawing hours later in bed. She had to elbow him twice in order to get to sleep.

  “You’re worried that she’ll get her claws into him? I’m telling you she’ll be lucky if she doesn’t have scratch marks on her bum from Jack by the end of the night.”

  “You are truly disgusting?”

  “And you are truly insane. She’s a ride.” He was delighted to be able to quote one of his younger colleagues who’d been eyeing up Toni at the party. “You wouldn’t even be cold in the grave before I’d be giving her one myself, given half a chance,” he joked.

  Kate punched him and decided to wait and see what happened.

  Ellie didn’t know how she felt about the date. She’d pushed all uncomfortable thoughts about Jack to the back of her mind over Christmas, and apart from New Year’s Eve they’d stayed in their box. But when she saw him on the night of the date she realized she’d been wasting her time. They tumbled out as abundantly as Jessie after a nap.

  “Nora, I know I’m behaving like a teenager or, worse still, an anorak, but please be honest. Am I overdressed?”

  “Eh, no.”

  “That’s about as convincing as Jess assuring me she wasn’t the one who fed aspirin to Rashers, after I caught him chewing the remains of the foil wrapper under the table with her sitting beside him.”

  “When?”

  “Last night.”

  “Was he sick?”

  “He was, although he managed to contain it, which is something. He aimed for, and filled, my new shoes, the left one to be precise. Then Jess put it in the bath. Gives new meaning to the term cushion sole. Anyway, tell me. I can take it.”

  “No, you look good.” It was the understatement of the year.

  “Glasses or lenses?”

  She couldn’t help herself. She knew Toni wasn’t mad about men with glasses. “Glasses, definitely. Intelligent.”

  “OK, at least you’ll hear it all back anyway, so I suppose a slagging is inevitable no matter what I do.”

  “No way, I am not being a go-between for you two any longer. You’re on your own.” The truth was she couldn’t bear it. She had too many emotions bursting to get out. Since she’d fixed up the date she’d felt sick with jealousy and she was struggling to be happy for Toni.

  “It’s just that, I realized last night that I’ve never really been on a date in my life. I met Lorna when we were kids and we just sort of ended up together. Anyway, I was younger then, bursting with confidence and self-importance. Now, I’m ancient, separated, got two kids, haven’t interacted properly with people for years and write ridiculously far-fetched, axe-murderer stories for a living.” He grinned at her and looked about sixteen again. “I guess that puts me right up there in the top one hundred guys you’d most like to date, eh?”

  “You’ll be fine.” To her horror she found herself brushing a speck off his jacket. What was she, his granny? “Besides, Toni is great fun. You’ll have a ball.”

  “Yeah, that’s true and at least it’s not a real blind date. That would be truly horrendous. Never know what you’ll end up with. Bill calls them bow wows.” She didn’t understand.

  “Dog rough. Instead of saying hello you just yelp and lick them. Bill almost forced me into one a few months ago. Some friend of a girl in his office. But then he saw her. Said she was so ugly that even the tide wouldn’t take her out.”

  “That’s not remotely funny. And I wouldn’t tell that story to Toni, either.”

  “Speaking of stories, did you read about the dog who fell into a hole in Grafton Street yesterday and had to be put down?” he asked.

  “No, don’t tell me.” She shuddered. “I hate those kind of stories.”

  “He just slipped down a hole. They had to shoot him.”

  “Oh my God, just like that? They actually shot him in the hole?”

  “No, actually, they shot him in the head.” It took her a second. “Bill suggested I
tell it to get the evening off to a good start. Think it’s good?”

  “No.”

  “That’s what I thought. It’s also about a hundred years old, which might date me slightly.” The doorbell rang. “God, there’s the taxi and I haven’t even finished my make-up.” He winked and she wished he were doing all this for her.

  Jack was sitting in the restaurant wondering if he should order a stiff drink when she arrived. In terms of entrances it was right out there. He spotted her immediately, long before she saw him. She was wearing a floaty see-through thing and lots of jewelry. As she followed the waiter to their table quite a few heads turned and people seemed to want to know who she was meeting. He was glad he’d invested the price of a small plane in a new suit and very glad he hadn’t worn a tie. Too old. She looked young and alive. It was the hair and the legs that did it, he decided as he stood up to greet her.

  “Hi.” He kissed her only once, deciding not to even try to be smooth by air-kissing her seventeen times the way most Irish people did these days. He hoped his breath smelt OK, he’d been eating garlic last night. He should have asked Nora to check it.

  “Hello. It’s nice to see you again.” She was even sexier than he’d remembered, all bee-stung lips and tousled hair. “Thanks for agreeing to come.”

  “Pleasure, you’ve got to have some reward for all that dieting.” That sounded wrong. “Not that you need to diet, I should add quickly before you smack me.” He grinned playfully. He hoped it was adult playful as opposed to the tickle-you-under-the-armpits stuff he did with the kids.

  “I thought I’d leave the smacking till another night. I was afraid my whip might put you off.” It was the same kind of thing Nora would say, he could immediately see why they got on so well. The difference was that with Nora, it just came out, whereas he had the impression that Toni knew exactly what she was saying. Anyway, it worked.

  “Like a drink?”

  “Love one.”

  “Wine OK? Or would you prefer an aperitif?” Wrong thing to say, made him seem like he should be wearing a cravat.

  “Wine is perfect.”

  “Red or white?”

  “White, ABC.”

  He looked away nonchalantly, wondering if that was a trendy new drink, sort of like a spritzer. Fuck, he hadn’t a clue. Two minutes in and he was already showing how out of touch he was. Rip Van Winkle was only trailing after him.