Off to War

by Deborah Ellis

  My brother and I, when we move, wherever we move to, there’s always school, so we can get on with our lives, but it’s not so easy for Mom. In Oklahoma she worked as a teacher’s assistant for special ed kids, but here in North Carolina there are no jobs for her.

  We’ve been here about a year, since Dad is stationed in Fort Bragg when he’s not overseas. We don’t live on post, although we go there to do our shopping at the commissary and go to movies since we get military discount. Mom bought a house for us that Dad hasn’t seen yet. She wants him to come home on leave so he can say she’s made a good choice. She knows she has, but it’s a big decision, buying a house, and she’d like him to like it.

  I saw her crying the other day. She tried to hide it from me, but I saw. I know she’s having problems with the army around getting Dad’s pay. There are some forms that need fixing, I don’t know what, exactly, but it worries her because she doesn’t know where to go to get help. Maybe that’s why she was crying.

  My little brother sometimes gets into these crying spells where he just cries and cries until he gets drained of all his tears. He’ll climb into my lap and say, “I miss Daddy,” and “I want Daddy back!” I tell him it will be all right and Daddy will come back. I do that as long as I can and if he still doesn’t stop crying I pass him over to Mom and she tries.

  He doesn’t sleep by himself. He gets out of his own bed and crawls in with me or with Mom.

  Even with all those tears, my brother says he wants to join the army, to be just like Daddy.

  I’m not joining the army. I’m going to join the peace corps, because you get to travel and you get to help people. I’d like to do something to help animals, too. We have a cat named Spikey, and two Siberian huskies, Lady and Charley. Spikey gets along okay with Charley, but fights a lot with Lady.

  The president sent my dad to Afghanistan because he’s running out of other soldiers to send. So many have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan that the army is running out of people. They’re fighting to serve our country, but I don’t really understand how.

  The good thing about being a military kid? Well, there was a fair in Hope Mills and we got in free because Dad’s in the army. I can’t think of any other good things.

  I have friends in school who are not military kids, but I wouldn’t talk to them about my life even if they were military, because I wouldn’t want to cry in front of them.

  I do my best to keep my mind on other things, like my dreams and what I need to do, and if I have any advice for other army kids, I guess that’s it. Find a way to be strong and get through it.

  One day we’ll find a way to not have war. We’ll just talk to each other and say, “Let’s be friends instead of foes.” Kids do that all the time.

  Rachel, 13

  Paganism, a pre-Christian religion that honors the elements of nature — air, fire, water and earth — is just one of the many religions practiced by members of the military. Many American bases have Wiccan or Pagan ceremonies and groups, and there is even a special Military Pagan Blessing. The Department of Veterans Affairs allows the Pagan symbol — the pentacle — to be engraved on soldiers’ headstones, as with other religious symbols.

  Rachel lives in Michigan, where her stepfather is a major in the air force, and her father is a tech sergeant in the Michigan National Guard.

  My father has been to Iraq twice. The first time was in February of 2004. I was living with my mother and stepfather in Nebraska, but I was visiting my dad and stepmom in Michigan when Dad got the call to go.

  We were at a Military Pagan convention at the time. It was supposed to have been a great time. There’s a big Pagan community on the base here, and the convention should have been wonderful. There were three days of classes, drumming circles, discussions, ceremonies. My mom and stepdad were even planning to renew their vows! We were all having a wonderful time, and then the phone rang, and they told Dad he was going to Iraq.

  I reacted really strongly. I was ten or eleven at the time, and I got quite hysterical. I was crying and hyperventilating. I was so angry! Looking back, I don’t know why I was so surprised. I knew about the war. I just didn’t think it had anything to do with me.

  I wasn’t a sheltered kid — 9/11 happened and I knew about that. Since that time I think a lot of kids pay more attention to what’s going on in the world than they usually would have otherwise.

  I remember being very nervous after 9/11 because I had to fly a lot to visit one parent or the other. In fact, I had to fly again the week after 9/11 happened. It made me look at all the passengers a little differently, wondering if one of them was going to do something crazy and horrible.

  The first time Dad went to Iraq, he found out a week and a half before he had to leave, and I had to leave him to go back to my mom’s house just two days after he found out. There was so little time! The stepmother took me to a Build-a-Bear place, and we made a bear for him to take over. Instead of a heart, we put a few things in the bear to remind him of us, so he could squeeze the bear and think of us. We also made sure he had lots of photos of us.

  Then we said goodbye, and I got on a plane and went back to Nebraska. I’d gotten a diary as a present that Christmas, so I wrote in that a lot. It helped. It was an outlet for what I was thinking and feeling.

  Dad wasn’t allowed to phone us from where he was. He could send emails sometimes, but they were pretty generic. Everything was very confidential about where he was and what he was doing, so there’s a lot that he couldn’t write about. We weren’t even allowed to know where he was stationed. That made it harder for me. I couldn’t just look on a map and say, “Okay, Dad is there.” It made him seem even farther away.

  I didn’t tell a lot of my friends that Dad was in Iraq the first time he went over. I didn’t really know how to tell them. The second time he went, I was in middle school, and middle school is a very small world. Word got around fast that my dad was over there.

  I found it really hard both times Dad was gone. I’d break down and cry, right in the middle of school! I didn’t have very good control over my emotions, but I was so scared that something bad would happen to him, and I was so angry with the government for sending him over there. I’d be sitting in math class or whatever, then my head would start turning toward the war, and I’d start to cry. I couldn’t help it.

  Sometimes I’d leave class when I felt the crying coming on, or I wouldn’t go back after recess. I’d cry in the bathrooms. My friends would come out to look for me, then sit with me and try to comfort me. They’d get into trouble for being out of class. I’d speak up for them but they’d still get into trouble.

  I think when your parents are regular army or regular air force or navy, there are a lot of kids around whose parents are deployed. Teachers of these kids know how hard it can be because they’re used to dealing with it. Kids of National Guard parents, we’re often on our own. We might be the only kid in the whole town who has a parent overseas. Our teachers don’t really know what to do with us because they’re not used to it. People join the National Guard expecting to serve in the state of Michigan or the state of wherever. They don’t expect to serve in Iraq. Anyway, my father didn’t expect it.

  My father’s been back from his second tour for about three months now. I think he stayed on the base in Iraq most of the time, repairing tires and working on the planes. He always heard a lot of bombs, but they were never right on top of him. He did see a lot of harsh stuff, though. He saw people being hurt, and people dying.

  He came back really jumpy. He’s not looking forward to the Fourth of July because he hates fireworks now. I mean, that’s what fireworks are, right? Explosions! With so many servicemen and women coming back from Iraq, spooked by those sounds, you’d think people back home here would have a heart and cancel all fireworks. But no, they won’t do that! People don’t like to do without anything, even if that would make someone feel better.

  Dad’s not technically on active duty, but he could still get sent back
. The military is calling for volunteers, but no one in the mechanic shop wants to go over there. My dad says it wouldn’t bother him a whole lot to go back. He didn’t like being there, and he’s against the war, but he says they need mechanics so that the planes will fly safely. An unsafe plane could mean that people get killed. He’s a really good mechanic who likes his job, even though he doesn’t appreciate the war.

  My uncle died in Iraq. He was driving in a tank and he got killed by a roadside bomb, I think in a different part of the country from where my dad was. That’s one of the things that really bothers Dad, losing my uncle. He keeps imagining how my uncle died. He’s got these terrible things in his head now.

  One of my friends has a dad whose job it is to tell people about the status of their loved ones. He has to tell them when someone is hurt overseas or killed. That’s a terrible job to have.

  My stepmother is really big in the anti-war movement. Both her and Dad are. They’re both really big on stopping the war and bringing the troops home. They’ve been to huge anti-war rallies in Washington, DC. My stepmother took my little brother once. He was only six years old, but he went on stage in front of thousands of people and said, “Bring the troops home now!”

  I think that part of them being against the war is because they’re Pagans. Being a Pagan is all about respecting the earth and being tuned in to nature. Pagans call on the power of the four elements: air, fire, earth and water. It’s about everyone finding their own power and their own spirit, and not using their power to oppress other people. My stepmother is writing a book about Pagans in the military. There are a lot of them.

  I’m not a Bush supporter. I don’t hate him, but I don’t support him. He’s encouraged all these terrible stereotypes of Muslim people. A lot of Muslims in my country are scared because people automatically think they’re terrorists.

  I read in a magazine that some American soldiers raped a fourteen-year-old girl in Iraq, then killed her and her whole family and burned down their house. Bush says we’re in Iraq to help the Iraqi people, but how is that helping?

  After 9/11, the government said, “We’ve got to find Osama bin Laden.” I don’t know what happened, but suddenly it became, “We’ve got to get Saddam Hussein.” It’s very confusing for me, but I’ll keep trying to stay on top of it.

  My dad says if he could go back in time, he’d join the coast guard instead of what he did join. He says the coast guard does useful, necessary work and is more involved in rescuing people than in killing them. If my little brother decides to join the military, Dad won’t be happy. He wouldn’t disown him, but he wouldn’t be happy.

  One of my friends is going into the K9 division of the army. She’ll be working with dogs. A recruiter calls her every single day to make sure she hasn’t changed her mind. My dad is trying to talk her out of it but he’s not having any success. She’s off to boot camp next week. She’s excited about it because she loves working with dogs and sees the army as a way she can make a good living doing what she loves. She’s even looking forward to boot camp. She doesn’t think she’ll be deployed overseas.

  I’d rather do dance and theater. I’ve been doing dance since I was six. When I was seven I joined a dance group in Nebraska, and I also did gymnastics. I’ll be starting in a new dance studio in Michigan in the fall. I’m hoping to join the dance team at school, or cheerleading.

  My ultimate goal is to be a choreographer. I like yoga, too, so my stepmom suggested that I could open a studio that does dance and yoga. That would be a way I could bring beauty into the world, to help make up for so much that is ugly.

  Breckyn, 12

  Home Leave Travel Assistance (HLTA) is a service that helps Canadian military personnel come home on leave during overseas postings. Home leave can come at almost any point in the deployment. Sometimes it comes in the middle, or sometimes closer to the end. For families it can be a welcome break in the routine they have established during their military parent’s absence. For younger children, home leave can be confusing. Suddenly their mother or father is home and then just as suddenly, they are gone again.

  Breckyn’s father is a corporal based in Petawawa, Ontario.

  My father’s job is supply tech. He joined up about four years ago. He had been in the Reserves, and had other jobs, too. Then he joined the military full time. I have two sisters, Monika and Kendall. They are both younger than me. Mom stays at home and takes care of us.

  Dad was in Afghanistan. We found out last January that he was going. I’d just come home from basketball practice, and he told me.

  I was upset at first, you know, just because of the concept of having my dad away from us for that long. I didn’t really know anything about Afghanistan at the time. I know quite a bit about it now. I know there are a lot of unfortunate people there that need help. There’s been a war going on there for a long time.

  Dad worked in clothing when he was in Afghanistan, getting people uniforms and other stuff they needed. He left for Afghanistan on August 16, just four days after my birthday. He was actually going to leave earlier than that, but then it was extended so he got to be here for my birthday. So my birthday party was mixed with a going-away party at the same time. It was a happy day. I mean, I was happy he was there, because he wasn’t going to be there, so it was like an extra present. I was really upset that he was leaving, but happy he was at my party.

  We had the party in my backyard, with a huge ice-cream cake. All our neighbors came over, and my grandma and my great-uncle, and my uncle and his girlfriend. It was a great party.

  After Dad left, it wasn’t the same at home because he wasn’t there, but we were kept really busy. We went to the movies and went out a lot and went to dinner quite a bit. I do dance at a studio just outside Petawawa, at a place called Stars in Motion. I do hip-hop. We just had our recital, and we got gold! And Dad was back to see it.

  Dad was gone for about six months altogether. When he came home in November for his HLTA — that’s just a short holiday — he was a little jumpy when somebody came up behind him. He wouldn’t really say anything, he’d just jump a bit. He was only home for a short time, but it didn’t seem like a short time because we were so excited to have him home. We went to pick him up in Ottawa and he ran down the escalator. It was actually kind of funny because we didn’t see anyone else actually jumping down the escalator, just my dad! And then he tried to hug us all at once and we were very happy.

  It was really sad when he went back, but when he came home again he brought us presents. He brought us all a silver bracelet and a chain. He brought my mom back a gold puzzle ring, and charms for our necklace, and white gold earrings with our birthstones, and other things.

  He also got me an Afghan bracelet and a little animal made of marble, and a little figurine of a camel.

  He was the same Dad when he came back. There were Afghan people working on the base and Dad got to know some of them. Once he saw some Afghan people sitting on the ground in a circle. They had a bit of rice they were sharing, eating it with their hands, but they didn’t take big handfuls, they’d only take a little bit, then pass it along. They would all share it. There were like twelve men sitting there, grown men, and they had only this little bag of rice and they were all sharing it. And then they even offered some to my dad.

  My dad bought them some Timbits, those little doughnuts. He didn’t know what they were going to do with them. They each took one, and shared the rest out to take home to their families.

  If we’d get a box of Timbits, we’d just look at them and think, “How many can I grab?” It’s just amazing to me to think about how they’d share even a little thing like that.

  I think kids in Afghanistan have a lot harder time than I do. If I want something, I’ll just go and get it, but if they want something, they have to work for it more. I’ll want food and I’ll just go to the fridge and get what I want, but they don’t even get as much as they need to not be hungry.

  I think Canada is in Afghanistan to h
elp people who need help, to keep them safe, and to let them have their rights.

  I don’t think I’ll join the army. I have other jobs in mind. I’d like to be a clothes designer or a kindergarten teacher, or a writer. I wouldn’t mind the military, but it’s just not my dream. Sometimes I get to go down to the kindergarten room and help out at lunchtime, and it’s just amazing to watch the way kids learn. I was helping them with their letters, and there was this one boy who didn’t want to write his letters. All I had to do was give him a little bit of encouragement, and he did it. That felt really good.

  Dahshan, 15, and Malia, 7

  Although frequent moving has always been part of life for military families (the average military kid goes to between six and nine different schools between kindergarten and the end of high school), the recent trend toward compulsory testing has made this more of a challenge. Many states, for example, require students to pass exams on the state’s history before they can graduate. The Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC) helps to ease the transition of military kids in the US when they change schools, helping families finding their way through the red tape and lobbying for changes that would make life easier for military families. Some states are now considering passing laws that would remove that requirement for military kids, or allow them to carry over the results of state-specific exams they have taken in a previous state.

  Dahshan and his sister, Malia, have moved many times, and they now live on post at Fort Bragg. Their neighborhood is called Cherbourg, named after a French seaport that played an important role in World War II.

  Dahshan — Our father works at the motor pool, fixing cars. He’s also a medic. The cars he fixes are the ones they use to rescue people who have been injured, like when the paratroopers get injured on a jump.