Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Gloria turned to Jane. “You must be tired from that long, hot trip here,” she said. “Why don’t you come back to our house and you can freshen up. We’re about the same size. You can wear one of my dresses tonight.”

  “Thank you so much,” Jane said. “I could use a little freshening.”

  Gloria led Jane out of the office and down to her new car. The two of them drove back to our house.

  “Dad,” I said, “could you watch the phone for a little while? I have something I need to do right away.”

  “Sure,” Dad said. “What is it?”

  “It’s that black thing on my desk,” I said, pointing at my phone.

  “Smart ass,” Dad said.

  “I just figured I’d take Jane’s car in and have a new thermostat and a water pump installed and get it back to her before she goes home again,” I said. “It’s the least I can do for her.”

  That’s a nice gesture,” Dad said. “You go ahead. I’ll be here when you get back.”

  I walked out the office door and had made it halfway to the elevator when I turned around and walked back into the office.

  “What’d you forget this time?” Dad said.

  “I forgot that I’d need a ride back from the garage after I drop Jane’s car off,” I said. “Screw the phone. Let the machine get it. Come on.”

  I left Jane’s car at the garage and they promised I could pick it up first thing in the morning. Dad and I drove home and found Gloria rocking back and forth in the rocker, her hand resting on her extended belly. She was wearing a nice dress and had her face and hair made up. She smiled as Dad and I walked in.

  “Where’s Jane?” Dad said, looking around the room.

  “Taking a shower and getting dressed,” Gloria said. “Have a seat. She’ll be out in a minute.”

  I looked at Dad. “What’s up with you?” I said. “What’s with this sudden interest in what Jane’s doing?”

  “Just asking to be polite,” Dad said.

  “Like hell,” I said. “I know you too well. What did you two talk about all the way home?”

  “Mostly writing,” Dad said, a sly smile playing on his face. “We hit it off right from the start. Jane’s going to help me with my writing. She’s a great gal.”

  “Oh?” I said, and caught Gloria’s gaze. She was smiling now, too.

  “What’s going on here?” I said. “It seems like you both know something that I don’t.”

  Just then Jane came out of our bedroom wearing one of Gloria’s dresses. Up until now I’d only seen Jane dressed in her wide-brimmed hat, jeans and a tee-shirt. Well, I’d also seen her with none of the aforementioned garb, but felt no need to share that with anyone else. Jane looked stunning with her hair up high on her head and in one of Gloria’s evening dresses.

  “Hey,” I said. “You clean up pretty good.”

  Jane laughed but Gloria didn’t see the humor in my remark. “Elliott,” she said, “really.”

  Jane waved her off. “That’s okay, Gloria. I guess I looked pretty rough back home.”

  Dad walked up to Jane and looked her up and down and then whistled. “Very nice,” he said, “very nice, indeed.”

  “Why, thank you, Mr. Cooper,” Jane said, turning around to give him the full affect.

  “You know,” Dad said. “I don’t believe any of us has had lunch yet. Why don’t we scrap the dinner idea and all go out for lunch instead?”

  “That sound good to me,” I said. “I am kind of hungry, now that you mention it. And that’ll give us plenty of time for the Hollywood tour afterwards.”

  “What tour is that?” Gloria said.

  “Jane said she’s never been to Hollywood before and wanted to see some of the sights,” I said. “I promised we’d show her the town.”

  “Yeah,” Dad said, “about that tour. Jane and I talked out that on the way back home and you know, Elliott, you really should spend some time alone with Gloria. I told Jane I’d be glad to show her the town.”

  I looked at Gloria and she nodded. “Really, Elliott, I’d rather just stay here with you. Clay said he’d show her around. Let’s let him.”

  I stood next to Gloria and put my arm around her shoulder. “All right,” I said. “I guess I am pretty beat.”

  “And you really should get that bump on your head looked at by a real doctor,” Jane added.

  Dad clapped his hands together once and rubbed them, like a fly appreciating a discarded sugar cube. “It’s settled, then,” Dad said.

  I turned to Gloria and just now realized that she was already dressed to go out. I hadn’t really noticed it when I first walked in. “So this was already arranged ahead of time?” I said.

  Gloria smiled and nodded. “You’d better take your shower and get dressed if we’re going to lunch,” she said. Shall we take your car, Elliott?”

  I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and said, “Very funny.”

  “Oh yeah,” Gloria said. “I forgot. We’ll take my car. Dad, you can ride with us if you like.”

  “Actually,” Dad said. “Jane and I will be going in my car. We’ll meet you at the restaurant and afterwards, you and Elliott can just go home. Jane and I have a tour to take.”

  I knew better than to argue the point and retreated to the bedroom to strip and take my shower. Twenty minutes later I was back in the living room. Everyone else was ready to leave. Gloria and I drove to the restaurant and waited for Dad to pull into the lot behind us. The four of us walked into the restaurant and got a corner booth near the hearth.

  Before we were finished with lunch, every detail of my ordeal had been aired from all four points of view. It was certainly a story to tell our grandchildren, but first we’d have to have a child, and that blessed event was less than a month away. I paid the tab, left the tip and walked out to the parking lot to say good night to Dad and Jane.

  I looked at Dad, pointed a finger in his face and said, “You have her home at a reasonable hour, you hear?”

  “Okay, Dad,” Dad said and left with Jane clinging to his arm.

  Gloria and I drove back home and collapsed on the couch the minute we got inside. I lifted my arm and dropped it around Gloria’s shoulder. She nestled into my chest and sighed. “You think anything will come of Clay and Jane?” she said.

  “Wouldn’t that be something?” I said. We both chuckled at the irony.

  Gloria and I spent the rest of the afternoon just enjoying each other’s company. When bedtime finally rolled around, I looked at Gloria and said, “Should we leave the door unlocked for Jane?”

  “No,” Gloria said. “Clay didn’t want to say anything earlier, but Jane is spending the night as his place. He’ll bring her around in the morning.”

  “Gees, he works fast,” I said.

  “Sometimes you just know when it’s the right person,” Gloria said. “Take us, for example. “I knew from the minute you hired me that one day we’d be involved and look at us now.”

  “You were pretty sure of yourself, weren’t you?” I said.

  “I got you, didn’t I?” Gloria said.

  “We got each other,” I said, and kissed her good night.

  At nine o’clock Thursday morning our door opened and Clay walked in, holding Jane’s hand. He looked at me right away. “Well,” Dad said. “You said to have her in early. This is early.”

  “I guess it is,” I said. “Did you kids have fun last night?”

  I thought I saw Jane blush and decided not to pursue the question. Well then,” I said, gesturing toward Jane. “How about if I drive you down to pick up your car?”

  “All right,” Jane said and turned toward Dad. “Are you coming, Clay?”

  “You bet your sweet petunias I am,” Dad said.

  I’d never heard my father talk like this before. Jane must have made quite an impression on him. And as far as I was concerned, that was a good thing. Dad deserved a little joy in his life.

  I turned to Gloria. “Would you like to join us?”

>   She waved me off. “I guess I’ll just stay here and straighten things up a bit.” She turned to Jane and hugged her. “Jane it was such a pleasure to meet you and thank you once more for my husband’s life,” Gloria said. “You’re welcome here any time.”

  “I’m so glad I got a chance to meet you, too, Gloria,” Jane said. “We’ll definitely keep in touch.”

  The three of us left Gloria standing in the kitchen and walked out to Dad’s car. I climbed into the back seat and Jane slid in next to Dad. Dad started to drive toward the office.

  “It’s not there, Dad, remember?” I said.

  “Oh yeah,” Dad said and turned in the opposite direction.

  “Where are we going?” Jane said. “I thought you said we were going to pick up my car.”

  “We are,” Dad told her. “We just have to make a quick side trip.”

  Fifteen minutes later we pulled into the car dealership and around to the service entrance. Dad let me out. I turned back to Jane and said, “This won’t take long. I’ll be right back.”

  I found the service manager, paid him for the parts and labor and he gave me the keys to Jane’s car. It was still parked inside and the service manager opened the overhead door for me. I drove it out to the lot and got out. I walked back over to Dad’s car where he and Jane were waiting. I handed the keys to Jane.

  “There you go,” I said. “New thermostat and water pump, compliments of one very grateful guy.” I smiled at her and she looked confused.

  “And a thorough wash, from the looks of it,” she said. “Thank you so much, Elliott.” She kissed my cheek and stepped over to have a closer look at her car.

  “Now you don’t have to carry extra water with you wherever you go,” I said. “And you don’t have to let it cool down overnight, either.”

  Dad looked at me. “Do you want me to drop you home again, Elliott?”

  I glanced at Jane, who was looking at Dad with something akin to anticipation and I knew. I looked back at Dad. “That’ll be fine, Dad.”

  I hoped with all my heart that they’d turn out to be right for each other.

  78 - I See You

  “What about this one?” I said, gesturing toward another Toyota Corolla sedan.

  Gloria looked briefly at the car and then at me. “Another Corolla?” she said. “I thought you were going to get something bigger this time.”

  When both of our cars had recently burned up in our parking lot, Gloria and I had gone car shopping. She chose a Chrysler minivan and I picked out a white Toyota Corolla sedan. I hadn’t even had the chance to put four hundred miles on it when I’d been carjacked and kidnapped. By the time police caught up with the car thieves, they’d shot my car full of holes and it exploded. I could have cried when I saw what was left of it. I thought I might like to give Toyota one more try and that’s why we found ourselves in this car lot again so soon after our last purchase.

  I was walking around the Corolla, bending over to peer into the windows when a lot attendant drove out onto the lot in a one year old Dodge cargo van. He parked it three spaces down from the Corolla I had been considering. I gestured to Gloria to follow me and we walked over to where the lot attendant was lining up the van with the rest of the cars in this row. When he had it just where he wanted it, he got out, locked the door and started to walk back toward the sales office.

  I held up one hand and stepped in front of the kid. “Hold on a minute there. Would you mind if I looked inside?” I said, indicating the Dodge van.

  “Sure, I guess that would be all right,” the kid said, turning and walking back toward the van. He unlocked the front door and stepped aside as I got in and sat behind the wheel. The kid made a small circular motion with his hand and I rolled down the front window. He handed me the keys and said, “Go ahead, start it up if you like.”

  I took the keys from him, cranked the engine over and listened to it purr. I looked down at the odometer. It read twelve hundred seventeen miles. I looked out at the kid. “Is this actual mileage?” I said.

  The kid nodded his head and pointed at the window sticker, which had yet been attached to the window. It was just lying on the dash. I picked it up and read the statistics of this particular vehicle. It was this year’s model and the mileage was ridiculously low. It could have passed for a new van with no problem. I motioned for Gloria to come around to the passenger door and get it. She stepped up into the van and sat next to me. I turned to the kid again. “What’s the story on this van with only twelve hundred miles?”

  “The previous owner bought it with plans to customize the interior with carpeting and a few other goodies,” the kid said. “I guess he realized it wasn’t as easy as he thought it might be and traded it back in for a regular car less than a month after he bought it.”

  “Now just what were you planning to do with a cargo van?” Gloria said, turning around to look at the area behind the two seats. “There aren’t any windows except these two and the windshield. There are only two seats. What about a place for Matt’s car seat? And the back is all bare metal. How practical is this?”

  “I just had a brainstorm,” I said. “The minute I saw this van I knew that Cooper Investigations was ready to step up to the next level.”

  Gloria rolled her eyes. “And just what is on that next level?” she said.

  “Use your imagination,” I said. “Picture the back of this van stocked with all the latest surveillance equipment. Just think of all the extra jobs we can take with this van equipped the way I see it.”

  “Have you been watching that James Bond marathon on television?” Gloria said. “What do you know about spy equipment and who do you think is going to seek out services like that?”

  “Of course,” I said, “we’ll advertise that we can handle those kinds of cases once we have the van set up. You’d be surprised how many people need services like that. Even the police department wouldn’t have a setup like this. We might even be able to pick up a couple of jobs through them.”

  “That all sounds expensive,” Gloria said. “Where are you planning to get the money for all this?”

  “First of all,” I said. “The van doesn’t even cost as much as the car I just lost. Second, I can start out small, with just the bare necessities. I can always expand a little at a time. I don’t need to have command central back there all at once. I can always take out a small loan for the starter equipment I’ll need. You’ll see, this van will pay for itself in no time.”

  I handed Gloria the window sticker and she looked at the price. Her face softened once she saw the list price on the sticker. “It’s a lot less expensive than the Corolla,” she agreed, handing the window sticker back to me. “All right, give it a try, but if it doesn’t pan out, will you agree to get rid of it and get another car?”

  “No problem,” I said. “I don’t see that day ever coming, because I’m going to make this work. You’ll see.” I looked down at the kid. “Mind if we take this for a spin?”

  The kid looked up at me. “Wait right here,” he said. “I’ll have to send one of the salesmen out to talk to you.” The kid ran back to the sales office. I could see him through the picture window, talking to a man in a suit. I put the van in gear and drove it over to the sales office and got out. The man in the suit came out to meet me.

  I shook his hand and said, “My wife and I would like to take this van around the block, if you don’t mind. I don’t have a trade, so while I’m gone, you sharpen your pencil and see what you can do for me outright on this van.” I pointed to Gloria’s car on the lot and handed the salesman Gloria’s keys. “Just in case you need to move it,” I said. “But that’s my wife’s car.”

  I pulled out of the lot and headed off down the street. Seven blocks later I pulled over to the curb and killed the engine.

  “Why are we stopping at the library?” Gloria said.

  “Because it’s closer than our office,” I told her, “and I want to get online and check the retail price of this van before I get ba
ck. I don’t really need to test drive it. It’s almost new, but I would like to see what they’re going for in this part of the country.”

  Gloria waited in the van and when I emerged from the library several minutes later I had a confident smile on my face and a slip of paper in my hand. I slid in behind the wheel again, grabbed the window sticker and showed it to Gloria. “They’ve got this van priced almost the same as a new one,” I said. “I know they can knock off at least a grand and still make a profit. At least now I know where I stand when we get back to the dealership.”

  By the time Gloria and I had left the dealership with my new van, I had managed to get more than twelve hundred dollars knocked off the sale price and I got them to fill the tank on top of that. “That’s how it’s done,” I told Gloria.

  Gloria followed me back to the office in her car. When we got back to the parking lot, Gloria stayed in her car and rolled her window down. “I’m going home to lie down for a while,” she said. “I’m feeling really tired.”

  “Go on,” I said. “You just take it easy and conserve your strength. You’re going to need it in the next couple of weeks when Matt gets here.”

  Matt was the son that was due to arrive shortly. When Gloria had her sonogram we found out that the baby she was carrying was a boy and that news thrilled me to no end. Knowing it was a boy helped us to prepare for his arrival. Gloria and I had agreed on naming him after my grandfather, my father and me. Matthew Clayton Elliott Cooper would someday be the fourth generation of Coopers to run the private investigation business that Grandpa Matt had started right after World War II.

  I leaned over and kissed Gloria just before she drove home. “I’ll catch up with you later,” I told her. I left the van in my still charred parking space and went up to my office. Once there, I got back on my computer and started looking up surveillance equipment on the web. I found several places right here in Hollywood that offered exactly what I needed to get started in the spy business, as Gloria liked to call it. I made a list of the companies from out of the area, the essentials that I’d need, along with the prices and shipping costs. Now when I went to the local stores, I could negotiate the best price and get more bang for my buck.