Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  I took my list with me to the first electronics store and just walked through the aisles, amazed at how small everything had become over the years. They had tiny wireless cameras no bigger than the tip of my little finger. The cameras sat on display and were hooked up to several monitors on the shelf. I walked in front of the little camera, looking at my image on the screen. The picture quality was surprisingly good for something so small.

  A salesman walked up to me as I stood there mesmerized by the technology. “May I help you, sir?” the man said.

  I pointed to the camera and said, “Can you tell me what the range of this unit is?”

  “This unit has a range of four miles,” the salesman said, “eight miles with the wireless extender. What sort of use did you have in mind for the camera?”

  I plucked my wallet out of my pocket and opened it to my P.I. license and badge. I tried to stay low key and held the wallet so that only the salesman would be able to see it.

  “I see,” he said. “We do a lot of business with the private investigator community. I’m sure we have everything you’ll need to get started.”

  “I don’t have a lot to spend,” I told the clerk.

  “What do you consider not a lot?” he said.

  “I’m just getting started in this field,” I said, “So for starters, I wanted to try and stay under a grand. I can always add more pieces as I need them.”

  The salesman gave me a wide smile.

  “Did I say something funny?” I asked.

  The salesman grabbed the small camera we’d been talking about and held it in his palm. “This unit alone is sixty-nine ninety-five,” he said.

  “Whoa,” I said. “Maybe I can’t afford to get into the surveillance business just yet. Thanks for your time.” I started to head for the door.

  “Hold on,” the clerk said. “Are you telling me seventy bucks is out of your price range?”

  “Seventy dollars?” I said. “That’s what you meant by sixty-nine ninety-five? I thought you meant just under seven thousand dollars.”

  Now I had the salesman laughing out loud. “Oh, no,” he said. “You’re thinking of the early days thirty or forty years ago. These days everything has been miniaturized, including the retail price. Those Japanese sure know how to make things small and inexpensive.”

  I breathed easier and said, “Let’s take a closer look at all of this stuff.” I plucked the mini camera out of his hand and inspected it. Two isles down I saw an eighteen inch flat screen monitor and pointed in that general direction. “Would this camera work with a monitor like that?”

  The clerk turned around, saw where I was looking and then turned back to me. “No need for a big monitor like that,” he said and pulled another piece of equipment off the display shelf. It was about the size of a pack of cigarettes. “This comes with the camera at that price. It’s a fold-out three point two inch color LCD screen. You can carry it in your pocket and see what the camera sees any time, any place.”

  “What if I want to record what the camera is seeing?” I said. “Can this unit be hooked up to a video recorder?”

  The clerk took the folding screen unit from me and turned it around, pushing a sliding shaft out of the back end. “This is a USB connection,” he said. “Inside this unit is a digital chip that holds forty-eight gig of video. If you happen to be away from the computer as you’re monitoring the video feed, you can still capture about twenty-four hours of video with just this unit. However, with the included video cable, you can hook this unit directly to your laptop or desktop computer via the USB port and record continuously until you run out of hard drive space. That will most likely never happen.”

  My mind raced with the possibilities that just this one unit could provide. I had a million questions for the clerk, but nothing was coming to mind just now. I was too engrossed in this little miracle of science. I tried to picture a scenario where I’d use this camera and suddenly thought of another question.

  “What if I want to record video in a low-light situation or in the dark?” I said.

  “Then this isn’t the unit you want,” the clerk said. “The next step up in mini cameras is this beauty.” He held up a similar-looking camera. “Now this one has infra-red capabilities. You can record in total darkness. It does everything that other camera does, plus has the infra-red feature and it is also waterproof, so you could even record under water with it.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “but I’ll bet it’s more expensive.”

  “I’m afraid so,” the clerk said. “Those extra features add another twelve-fifty to the price. You’re looking at eighty-two forty-five plus tax.”

  I had to laugh at the absurdity of what I could get for the price. I also suddenly realized that I really didn’t need a van after all. I could monitor the camera’s activities from a mid-sized sedan. I wasn’t about to let Gloria know about these turn of events. I’d never hear the end of it. Besides, a cargo van could come in handy for other things as well as my job.

  “I’ll take this unit,” I told the clerk. “As a matter of fact, let me have three of them. Make that two of the infra-red and one like the first unit you showed me.”

  The clerk bent over to slide open the display case door and pulled three small boxes out and handed them to me. “Will there be anything else for you today, sir?” he said.

  “I’m sure there must be a lot of equipment that would come in handy on the job,” I said. “But frankly, I don’t know enough about all of this to even know what to ask.”

  The clerk held up one finger. “If I may,” he said. “Allow me to show you what we have and what it is capable of doing for your business.”

  I spread my hands. “I’m in your hands,” I told the clerk. “Let’s see what you have.”

  He walked me over to an area that looked like it belonged in a toy store. “What’s all this?” I said, picking up a model helicopter.

  The clerk pointed to the underside of the aircraft. “See that little platform?” he said. “That little camera you just bought will mount to that platform. You could record video from overhead. The helicopter is capable of flying a thousand feet high and it’s quite maneuverable with just a single joystick controller and a little practice.”

  “Really?” I said, amazed at the possibilities this combination of gadgets presented.

  “Here’s the control unit,” the clerk said, handing me a small box no bigger than DVD case. He pointed to a pair of mounting brackets at the top of the controller and then grabbed the folding mini monitor that came with the mini camera. He laid it on the helicopter controller and said, “Picture this, if you will. You’re controlling the helicopter with this joystick and you’re watching the monitor just above it. You’ll be seeing exactly where this helicopter goes and you’ll feel like you’re right there as a miniature pilot in the seat.”

  “Okay,” I said. “This has to be super expensive to be able to do all that.”

  The clerk shook his head. “You already have the extra camera kit. The helicopter itself is just a little under a hundred fifty bucks. Altogether you’re looking at,” he pulled a pocket-sized calculator out and punched in the numbers. “Four hundred seven dollars and eighty-nine cents. Let’s call it four hundred even for everything. That still leaves you six hundred from you budget. Would you like me to show you more?”

  “Thanks,” I said, “but this will do for starters. I’ll take the helicopter, too.” I gave the clerk my credit card, signed the slip and took my bag of goodies home with me. I took my purchases out to the van and decided to drive to Griffith Park to try out the remote helicopter. I spent the first ten minutes sitting in the van reading the small instruction booklet that came with the copter.

  I took the copter and the mini camera with its mini monitor out into the middle of the park and mounted the monitor onto the copter’s control box. I mounted the mini camera on the copter’s platform and pointed the camera forward and down a bit. I started out in small increments, making the copter fly j
ust ten feet high and in small circles until I got the hang of controlling it. Eventually I was able to control the copter’s movements so well that I flew it up to a hundred feet and out over the lake in the middle of the park. All the while I’m watching what the camera sees on my mini monitor. I turned the copter toward me and gradually brought it down. As it’s descending, I can see myself in the monitor. It gently landed at my feet and after nearly an hour experimenting with the copter, I could safely say that I was comfortable enough to use it on any applicable job. I was eager to show off the new gadgets to Gloria.

  I drove back home and brought my purchases in with me. Gloria was lying on the couch, a white cloth draped across her forehead. I set my packages down on the dining room table and walked over to her, sitting on the edge of the couch.

  “How are you feeling?” I said.

  Gloria opened her easy and looked up at me. She slowly shook her head and sighed. “Not so hot,” she said. “I feel dizzy and nauseous.”

  “Maybe I should call your doctor,” I said.

  “It’s not that bad,” Gloria said. “It’s just bad enough that I don’t feel like getting up just yet. Give me a while. It could pass soon.”

  “Can I get you anything?” I said, holding her hand.

  “Could you bring me a glass of 7-Up and a couple saltine crackers?” Gloria said. “I think it could help settle my stomach.”

  “You want fries with that?” I said, smiling.

  Gloria was in no mood for my wit, so I let it drop and hurried to the kitchen. I brought her soda and crackers to the living room and set them on the coffee table. I took the cloth from her head and helped her sit up. She bit into a cracker and took a sip of soda.

  “Does that help?” I said.

  She nodded softly. “Thanks, Elliott,” she said, taking another bite from the cracker and then quickly shifted her head to the side. “Did you see that?” Gloria said.

  “See what?” I asked.

  “That big fly,” Gloria said. “I wonder how he got in here. Would you swat that thing, Elliott, Please?”

  I looked around the room and didn’t see anything but still went through the motions to placate Gloria. “He got away,” I told her. “Don’t worry, I’ll get him.”

  Gloria finished her crackers and soda and then lay back down on the couch. She closed her eyes and moaned softly.

  I sat next to her again and felt her forehead. It was warm and damp. I picked up the white cloth from the coffee table and hurried out to the kitchen, soaking it in cold water, wringing it out and bringing it back to Gloria. I folded it neatly and placed it back on her forehead. “Does that feel any better?” I said.

  Gloria’s head nodded faintly.

  “I’m calling the doctor,” I told her.

  A few minutes later when I got off the phone, I sat next to Gloria again and said, “The doctor thinks it would be best if I brought you in right away for an examination. It’s just a precaution, but I think he’s right. Come on, I’ll take you in to see him.”

  “But I’m not due for another two weeks,” Gloria protested.

  “Come on,” I said, helping her sit up. “The doctor will take a quick look and set both of our minds at ease.”

  “Oh, all right,” Gloria protested.

  I parked in the emergency entrance and told Gloria to stay put while I went inside to bring her a wheelchair. I wheeled her in and stopped at the reception counter. The nurse on duty took the information from my insurance card and arranged to have Gloria wheeled into an examination room. I stayed with her while we waited for her doctor to come in.

  Doctor Arthur Hoskins was a gray-haired man in his late fifties. Had it not been for the gray hair, I’d have taken him for forty or forty-one. He sat on a rolling stool and wheeled himself next to Gloria, taking her temperature, blood pressure, pulse and checking the figures against her chart.

  “Her blood pressure is elevated a little,” Hoskins said, turning to me. “Has she had any other problems lately?”

  “Her head was warm and sweaty just before I brought her in,” I said. “She told me she saw a large fly in the house, but I didn’t see anything.”

  “There was a fly in the house,” Gloria said. “It flew right by me.” The effort of complaining made Gloria stop and lower her head. I exchanged glances with the doctor.

  Doc Hoskins checked a few more details on Gloria’s chart and then looked at her. “You’re not due to deliver for another thirteen days,” he said, “but I’d like you to stay here until then so we can monitor your condition.”

  “Two weeks in the hospital?” Gloria said. “I don’t feel that bad, doc.”

  “It’s just a precaution,” Hoskins said. “Meanwhile, I’ll have my nurse come in and draw a blood sample from your arm. I just want to do an additional workup to see what may be causing your symptoms. It’s nothing to be alarmed at. It’s just routine.” Doc Hoskins left the room, in search of his nurse.

  I held Gloria’s hand and smiled at her, trying to ease her anxiety. “I’ll feel a lot better knowing someone’s keeping an eye on you,” I said. “Once Matt comes, you’ll probably feel a lot less stress and pressure and your symptoms will just go away by themselves, you’ll see.”

  “I hope so,” Gloria said. “I so sick of being tired all the time.”

  After the nurse had finished drawing a vial of blood from Gloria, she sent an orderly in to wheel Gloria up to a semi-private room on the second floor. They put her to bed and let me sit with her for another half hour, while the sedative started to work. When she fell asleep I got up and left the room. I returned to the reception area and asked the nurse to call me if anything changed. I left her my cell phone number.

  I stopped home briefly to retrieve my packages from the dining room table and then drove over to Dad’s house. I found him watching television in his stocking feet. He invited me to join him on the couch.

  “Is this on now,” I said, pointing to the TV screen, or is it recorded?”

  “It’s recorded,” Dad said, hitting the pause button on his remote. “What’s up?”

  I told him about Gloria and how she had to stay in the hospital until after the delivery. I told him what the doctor had said about precautions.

  “It’s not unusual for the first child,” Dad said. “You gave your mother a little trouble during your delivery, but a couple of days later, she was back home with you and she was feeling much better, so don’t you worry about a thing. They’ll take good care of her and Matt.”

  “Was it this nerve wracking for you?” I said.

  Dad nodded. “Oh yes,” he said. “I visited her every day and called in between visits. The staff at the hospital was ready to clobber me.”

  “So that’s where I get my OCD from, huh?” I said.

  “Must be in the genes,” Dad said. “I think I got mine from your grandpa, Matt.”

  “As long as Gloria and the baby are all right,” I said.

  “So what’s in the bag?” Dad said, gesturing toward my bag of electronic goodies.

  “Wait ‘til you see what I bought,” I said. “These ought to take Cooper Investigations to the next level. I can hardly wait to use them. I just need a client.” I pulled out the first box with the non-infra-red camera and monitor, explaining and demonstrating what the gadget could do. When Dad saw his tiny face in the tiny monitor, he smiled, looked left and right, stuck out his tongue and then looked at the camera again.

  “It can do all that in that little size?” he said. “That is amazing.”

  I pulled the other two camera boxes out and explained about the night vision capabilities.

  “I can already see some uses for this equipment,” Dad said. “Picture this, you have one of these mounted in a dark warehouse while you’re monitoring activities in the safety of your van outside. You can see if anyone is inside before you go in. You’ll be able to tell where someone is hiding without using a flashlight. I wish they’d had this stuff when I first started.”

 
“They did,” I said, “but it was ten times bigger and twenty times more expensive.” I saved the best for last and pulled the tiny helicopter out of the bag and handed it to Dad. I pointed out the platform mount beneath the copter’s body. I picked the little camera up again and stuck it on the copter’s mount and held the copter overhead, simulating flight. The images appeared on the small monitor in Dad’s hands. “Huh?” I said. “Now what kind of uses do you see for it?” I moved the copter around some more and walked about the room.

  “All right,” Dad said. “Here’s how I see it being used, but what I’m about to describe would only apply if there are two people in the car. Every now and then you’re on a job where you have to follow someone in your car and you lose them in traffic. They leave you behind at a red light or train crossing and by the time you can go again, your quarry is nowhere to be seen. So, while you’re driving, your partner is operating this copter, which hovers above your car. If you have to stop for a light, you send the copter ahead, hovering over the person you’re following. Your partner can have the copter pan back and forth to show you the street signs. You’ll know exactly where to go to catch up with your quarry.”

  “I knew this was a worthwhile purchase,” I said. “How would you like to be the driver while I operate the copter?”

  “Any time you say,” Dad said, eagerly. “What about letting potential clients know what you’re offering?”

  “It’s too late to get into the newest Yellow Pages,” I said. “I was thinking about running a display ad in the L.A. Times for a couple of weeks and see what happens.”

  “You could also do select mailings to companies in the area,” Dad said. “You know, let them know that you can handle discreet investigations on their behalf, etc. You never know, there just might be someone out there looking for just such a service. Let me know how it works out.”

  “I will,” I said. “And thanks for your input.”