Edge of the Past

by Jennifer Comeaux

  “This is the only way to make it better.” Another cry stifled my breath. “We can’t be together.”

  Sergei stared at me. His eyes darkened with tears, showing his transition from confusion to cold realization. “I’m not letting you walk away from me.”

  I gulped and turned so I wasn’t facing him. It would be so easy to throw myself around him, to kiss his lips, and to take back everything I’d said. But we’d still be in the same hurtful place, where I was buried under guilt and Sergei was missing out on more years of Liza’s life. I squeezed the ring and then placed it on top of the photo of Sergei and Liza.

  “Don’t.” Sergei pleaded. “Don’t do this.”

  “I have to,” I whispered through fresh tears.

  I hurried toward the door, but Sergei shot in front of me and caged me inside his strong arms.

  “You can’t leave me,” he said, his voice panicked and breaking.

  Needles of pain stabbed me all over, and I couldn’t hold back my deep sobs any longer. I used my arms as a shield against Sergei’s chest, forcing myself not to sink into him.

  “Please don’t leave me,” he said, repeating it again and again as he kissed my hair and then my face and my neck. “I love you so much.”

  His lips were so soft, his breath so warm, his words so passionate. My body weakened and “I love you, too” sat on the tip of my tongue, but I held it inside. I clenched my hands into fists and pushed as hard as I could against Sergei’s T-shirt, releasing myself from his embrace.

  “I have to go,” I cried and grabbed the door knob.

  “Em!” Sergei tried to shut the door, but I yanked hard.

  I rushed outside, sprinting down to the parking lot with Sergei on my heels. He continued to beg me to stay, choking on his pleas. I sobbed harder, and my hand shook so violently that I struggled to put the key into the ignition. I slammed the gas pedal all the way down Ocean Street and arrived home in a blur.

  Inside the townhouse, I pounded up the stairs and closed myself in my dark bedroom. Crawling onto the bed, I latched onto a pillow and wept into it, shedding more tears than I thought possible.

  The faint noise of the doorbell sounded, and I inhaled sharply.

  Sergei had followed me.

  I couldn’t see him. I didn’t have any strength left to stand my ground.

  Another chime rang, and I realized Aubrey might answer it. I leapt from the bed and raced into the stairwell. Aubrey had just emerged from her room, clad in a robe and a towel over her hair.

  “Don’t answer that!” I yelled over the railing.

  She looked up with startled eyes. “I thought you were at Sergei’s.”

  “I was, but–“

  “Em!” Sergei called and banged on the door. “Please let me in!”

  “What is going on?” Aubrey glanced from me to the stairs below her.

  I ran down to her, and her eyes grew bigger. “Em, you’re a mess. What happened?”

  “We have to talk!” Sergei bellowed.

  “He can’t come in.” I shook my head vehemently.

  Aubrey grasped my arms. “What did he do to you?”

  “Nothing! It was me. I did something.”

  “Emily, please!” Sergei’s cries grew more excruciating to hear.

  I covered my ears, and Aubrey said, “The neighbors are gonna call the cops if he doesn’t stop.”

  I backed into the wall and sank down to the carpet. “Can you make him leave?”

  Aubrey watched me with confusion for another moment and then headed downstairs. I listened as the door opened, but the voices were too low. Aubrey returned a few minutes later and sat beside me.

  “Sergei said you called off the wedding?”

  I looked at my hand, and the naked spot on my ring finger glared at me. I shoved my hand under my thigh and nodded slowly. “I had to.”

  “Because of Liza?”

  “I can’t live with myself, knowing I’m keeping Sergei from her. So much has happened. We just don’t make sense together anymore.” I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them.

  “You’re letting yourself get too caught up in emotion, especially coming off the craziness at Worlds. You need time to think–“

  I lifted my head. “It’s all I’ve thought about for a week.”

  Aubrey studied me again. “What you need is a vacation, a place to go and clear your mind and maybe see things from a different perspective. If I can get you a ticket on our flight, you should come to Hawaii with me. I’ll pay for it.”

  “I can’t go to Hawaii,” I said numbly. “There’s somewhere else I have to go.”

  “Where?”

  “New York. I have to make sure Elena knows I’m out of Sergei’s life. I don’t want her to have any hesitation in changing her plans. She needs to hear it from me.”

  “You won’t be completely out of Sergei’s life, though. He’s still your coach.”

  I’d thought so much about breaking the engagement that I hadn’t figured out how to handle the skating part of my relationship with Sergei. I could only focus on one life-changing decision at a time.

  “Maybe not,” I said.

  “You’re not quitting?” Aubrey gasped.

  “No, but Chris will be out for months after his surgery. I can coach myself until he’s back and then maybe things will be easier…”

  “I still think you should get away somewhere to try to make sense of all this. And not to New York.”

  “I’ve made up my mind,” I said, rising to my feet.

  Aubrey stood and cinched the sash on her robe. “Why don’t you ask Marley to go with you? You shouldn’t drive alone when you’re so upset.”

  “She’ll just try to talk me out of it the whole way.”

  “That would be good.”

  “No, it wouldn’t! Do you know how hard it was for me to do this?” I teetered on the verge of breaking down again. “I can’t look back now.”

  Aubrey hugged me. “I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling. If you need me when I’m away, call me anytime, any hour.”

  I squeezed her tight and waited until I regained composure to let her go. “I’m gonna leave early in the morning and try to find Elena at Liza’s old rink. They were planning to go there.”

  “I hope you tell her off. At least give yourself that satisfaction.”

  “I don’t feel like arguing.” I massaged my temples. “I just want to say my piece and talk to Liza if I can.”

  Aubrey put her arms around me again and made me promise to drive safely but to also rethink my decision. I could only agree to the first of her requests.

  When I returned to my room, I clicked on the lamp, and the light glowed over the Lyrics book on my nightstand. My fingers skimmed the gold cover as I yearned to read the loving notes Sergei had written.

  I curled up on the bed and stared at the book. Reading it would make me feel worse, but I couldn’t refrain from picking it up and opening to the first page.

  I made my way through the beautiful notes, searching for breath between my tears. Would I ever love anyone as much as I loved Sergei? It seemed impossible. He was so deeply embedded in my heart and in my soul. I let out a strangled cry and smashed my face to the pillow. What have I done?

  Spent with tears but unable to put down the book, I continued to read until I reached the page with the song “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free.” Sergei hadn’t written anything next to its lyrics. I never thought we’d have use for that song.

  As I read the words, an idea came to me, and I dug for a pen in the nightstand. Taking a deep breath, I wrote next to the lyrics – I need you to understand why I’m letting you go. I love you so much, and I want you to be happy, and I don’t think you can be truly happy without Liza in your life. We each have a different path now. I have to set you free.

  I wiped the moisture from my eyes and searched in the drawer for a bookmark Sergei had given me. A photo of a bright red sunrise over the ocean covered the
glossy paper. I slipped the marker next to the page with my note and slowly closed the book.

  The night brought little sleep, so in the morning I brewed a large cup of coffee to take on the road with me. The sky had just started to wake as I climbed into my car with the coffee and the Lyrics book. I had one stop to make before I headed south toward New York.

  Sergei’s parking lot was quiet with just a few birds welcoming the morning. I left my car door ajar to avoid making any noise and then crept up the steps. Stopping at Sergei’s apartment, I stooped and placed the book against the door.

  This was the right thing to do. I had to keep believing that.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Four hours of lonely interstate gave me plenty of time to relive the torturous scene from Sergei’s apartment. My phone rang nonstop with calls from Sergei once he woke, but I didn’t answer and I deleted his messages without listening. Hearing his voice would only make me break down, and my red eyes couldn’t handle any more tears.

  Sergei’s calls stopped around the time his flight to Chicago was scheduled to leave. When my phone shrilled a bit later, the caller was someone else I wanted to avoid. My mother.

  My parents would be supportive of my decision once I explained my feelings, but I still felt as if I was letting them down. I’d failed at the relationship that I’d fought so hard to make Mom accept. She’d been right from the beginning – Sergei and I were doomed. Our break-up just happened for different reasons than she’d predicted.

  Then there was all the money my parents had spent on the wedding. I knew they’d tell me not to worry about it, but so many items had been bought, so many nonrefundable deposits paid. And my dress. My beautiful dress. I sighed and dabbed at the corners of my eyes. What was I going to do with it? I couldn’t even think about marrying someone other than Sergei, but if it happened, I could never wear that gown. I didn’t think I could even stand to look at it again.

  I reached Westchester County before noon and glanced at the directions I’d printed. A tree-lined, four-lane road took me to the rink, where I parked and followed inside two teen girls wearing matching skating club jackets.

  A few skaters dotted the spacious and brightly lit lobby, and a couple of the girls gave me second looks. I turned toward the row of large windows, and in her long fur coat, Elena stood out among the adults watching the action on the ice. Beyond the glass, Liza skated alongside a smiling, middle-aged woman.

  Seeing Elena burned my sadness into steaming anger. Heat flushed my face and rose to my scalp. There were so many things I wanted to shout at her. Aubrey’s idea of telling her off didn’t sound so bad.

  I brushed the front of my jacket and exhaled a slow breath. Getting into a screaming match wasn’t the answer. I had to confront Elena with poise while letting her know how difficult she’d made life for Sergei. With my shoulders straight and my head held high, I marched over to the windows.

  “Elena,” I said.

  She flipped around and gaped at me. “Emily. Why are you here?”

  “You’ll want to hear what I have to say.”

  The other skating moms watched us with interest, and Elena’s eyes darted back and forth from them to me.

  “We talk outside,” she said.

  We exited through the double doors, and Elena stood beside one of the benches along the sidewalk. She closed her coat and crossed her arms. “You are here for Sergei. You ask me to let him see Liza.”

  “Yes.” I hesitated, knowing that once I told Elena the news, it would be official. Moistening my suddenly dry lips, I said, “I broke off our engagement, so there’s no reason to keep Liza away from Sergei now. I won’t be with him anymore.”

  She arched her eyebrows. “You cancel wedding?”

  My blood pressure ticked higher. Why was Elena acting so surprised, as if this wasn’t her master plan to split up Sergei and me?

  “It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” I snapped, my poise slipping away. “To get me out of the way so you can have Sergei?”

  “Sergei… he never be with me again,” she said matter-of-factly but with a hint of sadness.

  I angled my head to the side, unsure if I understood Elena correctly. I hoped Sergei would never reunite with her, but I was shocked to hear her dismiss the possibility.

  “You sound very certain of that,” I said.

  “I see how he look at you when you skate together for practice. He never look at me that way when we skate as pair.”

  She’d stunned me again. I had no idea how to respond, and I fumbled with my words. “Sergei loved you. You had a child together…”

  “He love me different way. I depend on him, and he protect me. If we had chance to be together when we are young, we are happy but not now. I see how it is different with you.”

  “So, you know how much Sergei loves me, but you’re still doing everything you can to keep us apart,” I seethed.

  “This is about Liza and what is best for her, not about you and Sergei.”

  I let out a harsh laugh. “I don’t believe that at all. Why don’t you admit that you can’t stand seeing us together?”

  Elena pinched her lips into a line and inhaled loudly. “Yes. It is hard to watch you with Sergei, to see your life, your career. You skate for world championship, for Olympic medal. You have everything I have if my father not take it from me. And now you give up Sergei so easy.”

  “Easy?” I cried. “There’s nothing easy about this. Walking away from Sergei when he begged me to stay was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. But he’s miserable without Liza. There’s a hole in his heart I can’t fill, and I had to make things right.”

  I caught my breath and added, “You should be thankful for what you do have. Don’t you realize how lucky you are to have Liza back?”

  “Of course I realize. Liza is my life. She is only child I have ever.” Elena’s voice heightened and shook.

  I examined her, again questioning our language differences. “Why do you think that? You’re young–”

  “I cannot have more children. It is why my husband divorce me.” Elena’s dark eyes glistened. “So, yes, I hold onto Liza tight. I cannot lose her.”

  My mouth stayed open as I processed Elena’s admission. It explained her fierce protectiveness, but it didn’t give her the right to take away others’ chances at happiness.

  “I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I understand how that would make you more protective of Liza, but–“

  “You do not understand how I feel. I cannot let Liza be with you. You do not show care with her, and she is not safe.”

  “For crying out loud! You act like I’ve tried to physically harm her or something. I’ve made a few mistakes, but–”

  “Emily!” a small voice exclaimed.

  I twirled, and Liza hurried toward me in her skating dress and sneakers, her long ponytail flying behind her. “Hope said you were here! You came to see me? Where’s Sergei?”

  I hastily put on a smile. “He’s teaching at a camp in Chicago. I know he’d rather be here, though.”

  “I thought you were mad at me for causing so much trouble,” she said.

  “No! Not at all.” I reached down and hugged her. “I thought you were upset with me.”

  “Why?”

  I leaned back but kept hold of her shoulders. “It’s not important. I’m just really happy to see you.”

  “How long are you staying?”

  “I have to drive home soon,” I said, standing up straight. “I just came for a quick visit and to talk to Elen – your mother.”

  “My mother’s dead,” Liza said quietly.

  “Liza!“ Elena’s pale face turned even whiter.

  Despite all the anguish Elena had caused me, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, especially since I knew now just how precious her daughter was to her.

  “May I talk to Liza alone for a few minutes?” I asked.

  Elena eyed me warily but agreed. I walked Liza over to a bench on the other side of the en
trance, and she smoothed her short skirt as she sat beside me.

  “Elena loves you very much,” I said. “She’s taken such good care of you since your parents died.”

  Liza looked down and picked at her knit gloves. “I know. It’s just not fair that she wouldn’t let me see you and Sergei.”

  “I think she realizes that keeping you from Sergei was a mistake, and that’s going to change very soon.” Because I haven’t given up the love of my life for nothing.

  “Are we leaving Russia for good?” Her head popped up, showing the hope on her face.

  “We haven’t talked about it yet, but I think you and Sergei will be able to spend lots of time together from now on.”

  Liza grinned. “I need to show him my double Axel. I landed it for the first time today!”

  “That’s awesome! He’s going to be so excited for you.”

  “Can you come in and meet my coach and my friends? I told them all about you.”

  My heart plunged. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I’d broken up with Sergei and this might be the last time we’d talk. She’d have too many questions, and the answers would all make Elena look bad. There was no point in weakening their already fragile relationship.

  “I don’t have much time.” I gave Liza an apologetic face. “I have to get on the road after I talk to Elena.”

  “It’ll just be a few minutes.”

  I looked into her pleading eyes and saw Sergei’s matching baby blues imploring me not to leave him. I cleared the lump from my throat and nodded weakly. “I’ll try.”

  I rose from the bench, and Liza followed my lead. When we reached Elena, Liza paused and shuffled her feet. “I’m sorry about what I said.”

  A tiny smile graced Elena’s lips. She kissed the top of Liza’s head. “You are best daughter in world.”

  Liza returned her smile and then scooted inside. Elena stared at me, unblinking. “You have chance to turn her against me, and you not do it.”

  I held her gaze. “I guess that’s the difference between you and me. I would never come between you and someone you love.”

  Elena quickly averted her eyes downward and jangled her bracelets. The tension in the air grew denser the longer she remained silent. When she spoke, she still didn’t look at me.