Edge of the Past

by Jennifer Comeaux

  “Sergei must be very upset you call off wedding.”

  Upset? The image of Sergei’s distraught tears and the sound of his desperate pleas would stay with me forever. I started to tremble with more frustration.

  “He’s devastated,” I said.

  Elena clanged her bracelets together until I wanted to rip them off her wrist. I wrung my hands and waited for her to say something. Did she finally understand the consequences of her demands? Was she going to concede and tell me to go back to Sergei?

  “I speak to him about visit with Liza and to make permanent arrangement,” she said.

  “Good,” I said. “That will make him incredibly happy.”

  And what about me and your daughter? Any second thoughts there? Clang, clang, clang went the jewelry with more silence from Elena. She gazed at the rink and said, “I should return to Liza.”

  The morning was sunny and the model of a spring day, but a heavy chill draped over me. Elena wasn’t going to budge. Not even after she’d seen my good intentions toward her relationship with Liza. I was an idiot for having even a sliver of hope.

  “Can you tell Liza I had to leave?” I asked. Sergei or Elena would have to explain the break-up. I wasn’t going to lie to her.

  Tears barged into my throat, and I didn’t stick around for Elena’s reply. I found my way back to the interstate, continually blotting my eyes to see the road clearly.

  I’d driven to New York with zero expectations, and then Elena had to go and act human for a few moments, making me think I’d been wrong about all the bad omens. I pounded the steering wheel with my fist, stinging my hand until it was numb. Nothing had changed, and nothing was ever going to change.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I walked into the rink with tentative steps, keeping my focus on the concrete floor and then on the locker room to my left. Sergei was due back from Chicago, and I wanted to avoid him as long as possible. If not for Courtney and Mark’s lesson, I would’ve stayed away from the rink. I’d evaded all my friends the past three days, saying I was decompressing from Worlds. I needed a week to get over my crying fits, and then I’d start telling my family and friends about the cancelled wedding.

  I ducked into the locker room and stayed there even after I put on my skates. Kids came in and out, but I kept my head down, retying my laces over and over. When I couldn’t stall any longer, I crept to the door while donning my gloves. I had to keep my bare ring finger hidden. Courtney noticed everything.

  My favorite aria from Samson and Delilah played on the sound system, but I didn’t sing along as I usually did. Every muscle in my body was tense with the anticipation of seeing Sergei. He wasn’t on the ice or at the boards, but he had to be somewhere in the building. I stood next to the boards and bounced lightly from heel to heel as I watched Courtney and Mark warm up.

  Courtney saluted me as she skated toward my corner, and I was about to wave when I heard my name behind me. The voice froze me and sent a shockwave to my pulse.

  Sergei came up beside me, but I didn’t look at him. His mere presence was more overwhelming than I could’ve imagined. All my instincts went haywire, crossing each other and pulling me apart inside. The strongest instinct tugged on me to move closer to Sergei, but I stood my ground and hugged my arms over my chest.

  Afraid Sergei might bring up a painful topic of conversation, I quickly asked, “How was the camp?”

  He didn’t reply, and I didn’t have to look at him to know he was staring at me. I could feel the intensity in his eyes. My cheeks flamed despite the cold air surrounding me.

  “Are you really making small talk?” he asked.

  Before I could respond, he went on, “Did you get my messages?”

  It would only hurt him more to tell him I’d deleted them all on sight. I stepped back from the boards and said, “We should just stick to work.”

  Sergei glanced up at the big clock on the far wall. “For the next hour, I’ll do that. But there are some things we need to talk about after.”

  Why couldn’t he accept our fate? There was nothing we could do to change the situation, and talking about it wouldn’t make either of us feel better.

  I took the ice and dove into the lesson, keeping a constant eye on the kids and not letting my mind stray. Sergei gave me a pained look as Courtney and Mark skated away from us, and I hastily turned my head. You did the right thing. You have to keep remembering that.

  When Courtney had trouble with a section of footwork, I happily spent half of the hour going over each rocker and counter with her. If I could have a detailed task like that to concentrate on every minute of every day, I’d be set.

  The clock’s hands moved too quickly, and Sergei trailed me off the ice at the end of the session. I headed for the locker room, and Sergei rushed to my side.

  “Meet me in the ballet studio in a few minutes. You’re not running out of here without talking to me.”

  During the lesson, I’d contemplated doing just that. I was trying to make a little progress every day in moving on with my life, and dredging up all the pain wasn’t part of my plan.

  I pushed open the heavy locker room door with my fists and sat on one of the benches facing the lockers as I untied my laces. When I didn’t hear Sergei move, I said, “You don’t have to stand there and watch me. I’m not gonna leave.”

  A few moments passed before the door squeaked, signaling Sergei’s departure. I dropped my head into my hands. Was there any chance Sergei just wanted to tell me that he and Elena had worked out an arrangement? Maybe he wanted to thank me for talking to her? Not likely, considering how edgy he’d sounded.

  With my skates traded for sneakers, I walked past the ice to the studio at the rear of the rink. Sergei stood with his back to me and his hands gripping the barre. He looked up into the mirror and held my gaze as I entered the room. Away from the cool of the ice and under the spotlight of Sergei’s strong stare, I grew uncomfortably warm. I dropped my purse next to the door and unzipped my fleece jacket while Sergei turned to face me.

  “Elena told me you went to New York. I wish you hadn’t done that.”

  “She agreed to let you see Liza, didn’t she?”

  He set his hands on his hips. “I didn’t want it to happen this way.”

  “It was the only way,” I insisted.

  “No, Em. It didn’t have to be like this.” He came toward me, his eyes afire. “How could you leave me without fighting for us?”

  He was questioning me just as Elena had. Why did everyone think I’d made this decision easily? Did I have to throw myself on the ground and wail to the heavens to show them how gutted I felt?

  “I told you why I did it,” I said, hearing myself grow louder. “Elena is never changing her mind, and neither of us could be happy the way things were.”

  “And we’re happy now?” he exclaimed.

  No! I shouted inside, but there was no point in feeding Sergei’s denial. I shuffled backward and calmed my voice. “It’s going to take time, but we have to move on.”

  Sergei shook his head as he advanced nearer. “I can never move on from you.”

  His words slammed into my heart, filling me with more sadness and double the anger. What good was saying things like that? Unless a miracle happened, he couldn’t have both Liza and me in his life.

  “It’ll get easier…” I stammered.

  “No, it won’t. You can’t throw away our entire future and tell me I’ll get over it. Deep down, I don’t think you believe what you’re saying either.”

  I pressed my fingers to my temples. “Stop making this harder than it is. I told you we don’t make sense together–”

  Sergei surged forward. He slid his hands inside my jacket and grasped my waist, pinning me against him. “Does this feel like it’s not meant to be?”

  “Sergei, stop,” I demanded.

  My body was wrought with confusion. I tensed upon Sergei’s touch, ready to reject him, but then I found myself leaning into his familiar muscles,
so hard and strong. Don’t do it….

  I tried to wiggle away from him, but he hugged me tighter. “How about this?” He softened his voice.

  I pushed on his biceps, fighting more with myself than with Sergei, struggling to believe I was right and he wasn’t. But the longer he held me, the less certain I became.

  Sergei brought his head down to mine, and I stayed completely still. His mouth was so close I could drink in his breath. How could he torture me like this? I wanted to yell at him, but all I could manage was a whispered, “Don’t.”

  He continued not to listen, running his hands over my back with long, slow caresses. I couldn’t think anymore. I could just feel, and all my instincts pointed in one direction. I relaxed into Sergei’s arms, giving up the fight.

  His lips brushed over mine, and I couldn’t deny his kiss. Everything around us disappeared, and we were on an island where nothing would tear us apart. I crushed my mouth to Sergei’s, taking in as much of him as I could. I had to hold onto him and make this last.

  It’s not real, the nagging little voice in my head reminded me. It can’t last.

  I tried not to hear it, but the voice grew louder, taunting me until I wanted to scream. It didn’t matter how connected I still felt to Sergei or how much passion we shared in our kiss. We didn’t have a future, and being together like this would just make it harder to let go.

  I shoved Sergei’s chest, but he pulled me back against him.

  “We can’t do this!” I cried.

  “I’m never going to stop loving you,” he said, closing in for another kiss.

  “You have to!” I jerked my head away and gasped when I saw Elena standing in the doorway.

  I pushed loose from Sergei’s embrace and sputtered, “This isn’t… we’re not together. What I told you in New York is the truth.”

  Elena’s eyes swept back and forth from me to Sergei. She looked flustered, and I worried when the surprise wore off she’d be annoyed.

  Sergei rubbed his hand over his mouth and cleared his throat. “I didn’t think you were coming here before you left for Moscow.”

  “Liza want to see you, so we hire driver. I tell her we return to America soon, but she beg me.” Elena glanced at the door. “She is with Courtney.”

  “Thank you for bringing her,” Sergei said.

  I didn’t trust Elena not to whisk Liza away from Sergei again. I had to assure her she’d walked in on a mistake. But I was shaking so much on the inside that I didn’t know if I could even talk.

  “Sergei and I really are through.” I spoke slowly and firmly to steady myself. “I’m not with him now, and I’m never going to be with him again. I think he understands that now.”

  I looked at Sergei, and he gave me a long stare filled with more frustration than acceptance. “I’m going to see Liza,” he said and left the room.

  I picked up my purse and aimed for the door, too, but Elena said, “Emily, may we speak?”

  Turning around, I rested my back against the wall. I was still reeling from being in Sergei’s arms. Now I had that memory fresh in my mind, making me ache deeper.

  “You and Sergei argue,” Elena said. “He is angry.”

  “How much did you hear?”

  “I hear most.” She peeked at the mirror and then dipped her head. “It make me remember so many years ago when I tell Sergei I cannot marry him.”

  “Your father didn’t give you a choice.”

  Elena raised her eyes to mine. “And I do not give you one.”

  So, she was suddenly aware of how much her actions resembled her father’s. I was curious how she would justify it.

  “No, you didn’t,” I said, losing patience.

  Elena fiddled with the sash of her trench coat. With her bright red lips pinched together, I couldn’t tell if she was irritated or regretful.

  She paced to the middle of the room, her heels clapping noisily on the wood floor. “When I bring Liza here, and I see how she take to you and Sergei, I fear I lose her. I lose everything once, and it cannot happen again. Without Liza, I am alone.”

  “I told you many times Sergei and I would never have taken Liza from you.”

  “I cannot trust that. All I see is Liza admire you, and she want to leave me.” Elena’s voice cracked. “I see only way to stop this is to make you and Sergei part.”

  “Leaving me with nothing,” I stated. “Just like you ten years ago.”

  My stomach turned, and I shut my eyes, letting Elena’s admission sink in. The mistakes I’d made with Liza… those weren’t the reason Elena had acted the way she did. She’d used them as excuses to mask her other fears. When I looked at Elena, she lowered her head again.

  “So, all along it hasn’t really been about protecting Liza,” I said. “It’s been about protecting yourself.”

  “You must understand,“ Elena said shakily. “I try to be near to Liza, but she keep distant from me. When we are in Russia, I do not know how to make her happy, and I feel she never see me as her mother. This make me so hurt…”

  She held her fist to her mouth and then pulled it away, clenching her hand tighter. “I should not lose so many years with her. If my father not send her away, she do not see me as cousin only. But I cannot change this… I can change only now, and I try to keep my daughter close. This is all I want… you must see.”

  And I did see it through the desperation in her eyes. As messed up as the situation was, I did understand. But I couldn’t take any more of it – the anguish, the pleas, the despair. I was talked out, and I just wanted to be away from Elena.

  “I do see. And I don’t think there’s much more to say.”

  I left Elena staring into the mirror, and I hurried out the side exit to avoid Sergei and Liza. Outside in the misty drizzle, I walked slowly to my car, thinking about my conversation with Elena as I trudged through shallow puddles. The chill of the rain on my face made me more alert, more aware of what I’d just heard.

  When Elena’s father had ripped Sergei and Liza from her, he’d done irreparable damage. Even with Liza back in her life, Elena lived in fear that she would lose her daughter again. Add to that the fact she couldn’t have more children, and her tight hold on Liza made further sense.

  I climbed into my car and leaned back against the headrest. If I’d experienced the heartache Elena had… if I’d been raised by a man like Ivan, who taught Elena not to trust anyone… would I have behaved the same way she had?

  The door of the rink opened, and Sergei, Elena, and Liza appeared on the steps. I slunk down in my seat and watched through the rain-spotted windshield as Sergei helped Liza raise the hood on her raincoat. She said something and giggled, and Sergei smiled and put his arm around her.

  I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Sergei was where he needed to be.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I pulled the four cheese baked macaroni out of the oven and set it on a trivet to cool. All weekend I’d channeled my emotions into kneading fresh pasta and cooking dishes for Chris. He was undergoing surgery the next morning, and I’d promised to make his favorite meals to put in his freezer. His mom was coming from Baltimore to stay with him for a few weeks, but I knew from his horror stories about her cooking that he didn’t want her feeding him.

  Removing my oven mitts, I started for the sink but stopped when the doorbell rang. A mixture of dread and excitement twisted my insides. I hadn’t heard from Sergei since we’d argued at the rink. I couldn’t handle fighting with him again, but I couldn’t deny how much I wanted to see him.

  I walked deliberately up to the foyer and checked the window beside the door. Chris stood on the mat. My shoulders dropped with both relief and disappointment.

  I opened the door with a smile. “Hey, I was going to bring all the food over to your place.”

  “My mom just got in, and I wanted to talk to you without her around.”

  Chris wore his serious face, which I didn’t see often. Did he find out about Sergei and me? I’d been waiting to tell
him after his surgery.

  Leading him down to the kitchen, I asked, “What’s up?”

  He shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and leaned against the door frame. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

  I played with my necklace, and before I could reply, Chris added, “About us moving to New York?”

  “What?”

  “I was reading the message boards on Figure Skating Central, looking for any off-season gossip, and someone posted that they saw Sergei at Liza’s old rink today. He was taking a tour and asking about the facilities and the coaches. They said it sounded like he wants to set up camp there.”

  I couldn’t speak, and my limbs went numb. Sergei’s leaving the Cape?

  “I guess Elena gave in? She and Liza are moving to New York?” Chris asked. When I didn’t answer, his eyebrows bent. “You knew he was there, didn’t you?”

  I slowly shook my head, the only part of my body I could move. “I haven’t talked to him much lately,” I said quietly. “I broke up with him.”

  It was Chris’s turn to be speechless. He sputtered, and I spilled everything that had happened.

  “So, I’m not sure Sergei’s plans include you and me moving to New York with him,” I finished.

  “Em…” Chris came over and hugged me. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t want to stress you out before your surgery. I knew you’d worry about how it would affect our training. I thought it might be okay once things settled down, but if Sergei’s going to New York…”

  Chris stepped back and rested against the counter. “Do you really think he’s gonna leave us? What about all his other teams?”

  “I… I don’t know.” My voice became faint. “Maybe Elena doesn’t want him coaching us or maybe he wants to get away from me.”

  “I just don’t think he’d give up the chance to coach us to an Olympic gold medal,” Chris said. “Not after all the work we’ve done together.”

  “Sometimes we have to make tough decisions.” My eyes clouded, and I grabbed a napkin.