Chat Love

by Justine Faeth

  After dinner, we are sitting on his couch, finishing off what’s left of our bottle of wine. Ginger has placed her head in my lap and I am stroking her fur lightly. We’ve somehow gotten back on the topic of my sex life, and Jackson is trying his best to figure out how I’ve been able to survive for so long without having sex. Leave it to a man-whore to ask that kind of question.

  “I just want to wait, that’s all,” I explain.

  “Wait for what? You’re not a virgin, are you?” he asks, leaning back and cocking his head to the side.

  I chuckle. “No, definitely not.” Jackson’s eyebrows rise with joking judgment. I quickly add, “But I’m also not you. I’m definitely choosier when it comes to who I’ll sleep with.” He laughs and takes a sip of his wine. I continue, “I just don’t want a relationship to be only about sex; I’d like a little more than that.”

  “More?” he asks, curious as to what I mean.

  “Yeah, more. I want sex, but I don’t want things to be purely physical; I want emotion, too. I want to feel loved by the person I am with, rather than just feeling like they only love my body.”

  Jackson nods his head, taking in what I’m saying. “And you’re willing to wait for as long as it takes? Even if it takes another year?”

  I think about his question and nod. “Yeah, I think I am. I know that the guy will be worth it.”

  Jackson’s eyes soften and he moves a piece of hair behind my ear. “You’re definitely not like any other woman I’ve met.” He leans in closer and kisses my exposed shoulder. Soon his lips have moved to my neck, and they quickly work their way up to find my lips. We spend the rest of the evening making out like teenagers, and I enjoy every minute of it.

  I walk into work the next morning with a smile on my face, still thinking about last night. I feel energized and triumphant and take a seat at my desk, ready to be productive. As I’m answering e-mails, Skyler walks up to my desk with a curious look on her face.

  “What is going on with you? You’re just full of sunshine today.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I’m just happy, that’s all. Why can’t I just be happy today?”

  “Because we have that bitch of an actress Hayden Stewart on the show today, that’s why,” she replies. She continues to stare at me for a minute while I keep working. Then, she makes the connection. “Jackson,” she states.

  “Jackson?” I ask, trying to pretend I have no idea what she’s talking about.

  “Don’t you try to lie to me, Lucia; I saw both of you come in here today grinning as if it’s Christmas morning. I know what you’ve been up to!”

  I quickly try to distract her with questions. “What do you mean? Did Jackson say something to you?”

  “I always knew that the two of you would get together; I told you that there was sexual tension there. So, what happened?” she says, ignoring my questions.

  I bite my lip, not wanting to give too much away. “Well, we cooked dinner at his place last night, and drank some wine afterward.”

  She leans against the wall and asks excitedly, “And?”

  “And we kissed.”

  “Again?” I nod my head and she asks, “What about Chat Love, then?”

  “I’ve decided to take a break from the site for a while,” I reply.

  She groans. “Lu, you can’t just give up already. You’ll find your Dave, I promise.”

  I mumble, “But what if Jackson is my Dave?”

  Skyler looks at me skeptically, raising an eyebrow. “Jackson Foster as a serious boyfriend? I don’t know, Lu.”

  “But just the other night, you said—”

  She cuts me off, “Look, you know I love Jackson and that I think he’s a great guy, but I just don’t want you to get hurt.” She looks around to make sure no one is listening. “I heard he had sex with Caitlin.”

  All of my happiness disappears in an instant.

  Seeing the hurt on my face, Skyler quickly adds, “I mean, that could have been aone-time thing, or even a rumor. It’s obvious that he likes you, now.”

  I hiss out, “As in he’s moved on to me, now?” I’m offended, and growing more upset by the second.

  “No, that’s not what I meant at all. Lu, you know I just want you to be happy.”

  Not wanting to talk about it anymore, I make up an excuse to leave. “I have to go check on Hayden now, so I’ll see you later.” I walk past her, furious. If Jackson thinks that I am just going to settle for being another piece of ass, he is sorely mistaken; Lucia Fabbo is not any man’s toy. I walk to the studio and spot a clean-shaven Jackson talking to Caitlin, which only serves to make me angrier.

  “Hi, Lucia, you look very pretty today.” I turn around and see Patrick giving me a big smile. He continues, “I like your dress.”

  I look down at my dress, suddenly having trouble remembering what I’m wearing, even though this morning I took my time getting ready, trying to look good for Jackson. I mumble my thanks to Patrick and cast another glance at Jackson, watching Caitlin bend over to reveal ample cleavage.

  Patrick gets my attention again. “I wanted to talk to you about the list of questions that Hayden said we could ask. Is this girl serious?” he asks. “She’s barely twenty years old and already acting like a diva! Where does she get off thinking that she’s so special? Doesn’t she realize that after all of these crappy movies come out her career will be over?” I tune out the rest of Patrick’s rant while continuing to watch Jackson and Caitlin talking. Every time she touches him, my heart stings.

  “So what do you think?” Patrick asks.

  I turn back to Patrick and see him flashing his white smile. Shit, I think, I have no idea what he’s asking. Wanting to avoid trouble, I simply answer, “Sure, sounds good.”

  “Great! I’ll see you tonight at seven at the 21 Club.” Patrick turns and walks away in the direction of the set.

  I hear Jackson’s irritatingly sexy voice say, “Well that was nice of Patrick, inviting you to the dinner tonight.”

  I turn around and see him smiling at me. He touches his clean-shaven jaw and winks. Last night, after we’d had our make-out session, I confessed to him that his beard irritated me. Apparently, he’d taken my comment to heart.

  I hiss at him, “You must be upset that Caitlin isn’t invited.”

  He looks at me, confused. “Why would I be upset about that?”

  I snap back, “Because if she’s not there, you won’t have any cleavage to stare at.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Shouldn’t you get back to prepping Hayden Stewart?” He turns and walks away from me.

  That’s it, I think to myself. Tonight, it’s on.

  As I approach our table at the 21 Club with Skyler in tow, I look around, taking in my surroundings. The place is fancy, and from what I’ve heard, tonight’s dinner is extremely important due to some announcement Patrick needs to make. Our table is located in a private room that heavily resembles a wine cellar.

  Jackson stands up when he sees us and pulls out two chairs in an unusual display of chivalry. Skyler quickly sits between Patrick and a man I know to be the president of the network, leaving me to sit between Patrick and Jackson. I mumble my thanks and look around the table. Seated next to the president are the network’s publicist and vice president, and surrounding them is a collection of producers and executives. Apparently this announcement is going to be big.

  After we’ve all ordered our drinks, Patrick stands up with a big smile on his face. He raises his glass, tapping it lightly with a fork. Instead of trying to build suspense, Patrick simply jumps right into making his announcement.

  “I would just like to congratulate everybody here, because our ratings have been going up steadily and we’ve been getting more positive feedback with each passing day. We couldn’t have gotten to where we are now without the help of every person at this table, and we’ve just signed a contract granting us three more years on the air.” He raises his glass higher. “To three more years,” he says with a smile on
his face.

  We all raise our glasses and repeat in unison, “Three more years.”

  During dinner, I can feel Jackson occasionally rubbing my leg with his, and I make a point to try and keep my legs crossed.

  After Patrick finishes his fourth glass of wine, he leans in close to me and whispers, “You are a very beautiful woman, Lucia. I hope that you know that. Any man would be lucky to be with you.” He puts his hand on my knee. “I know I would be.”

  I standup abruptly, accidentally knocking over my wine glass. “I’m sorry,” I say as I mop up the spill with my napkin, “I need to go to the bathroom.”

  I see both Skyler and Jackson’s eyes look at me with expressions of worry. I rush to the bathroom, wanting to avoid both of them.

  After taking a moment to calm myself down in the bathroom, I open the door and see Jackson waiting for me.

  “I thought Skyler would come,” I say coolly.

  “Trust me, she wanted to, but I convinced her to let me come and check on you.” He takes a step closer to me. “I saw what Patrick did just now, and I wanted to knock out a few of his shiny, white teeth for making you feel so uncomfortable.”

  I wave my hand in dismissal. “He’s just been drinking; it’s fine.”

  Jackson argues, “I don’t care whether he’s been drinking or not, it still doesn’t give him the right to put his hands on you.”

  Trying to avoid causing a scene, I reply, “Jackson, thank you for checking on me. I’m fine, OK?”

  I try to move past him but he continues to block my exit. “What happened today at work?” he asks suddenly. I shrug my shoulders and look down at my boots. He lifts my chin up with two fingers and looks me in the eyes. “Lucia?”

  “Jackson, I don’t want to be used for sex.”

  His eyes soften. “I know, we talked about this last night, remember?”

  “I know, but I want a relationship,” I explain.

  Jackson looks away from me. “I know you do, Lucia, but right now I’m not the guy that you should want a relationship with. I need to work on myself, so that I can change and become a better man.”

  I can feel my heart breaking because of his words. I take a deep breath, trying to not cry in front of him. I choke out, “I understand.”

  I can feel the burn of my tears as I look away, embarrassed.

  “Don’t misunderstand me, Lu.” Jackson says, noticing my tears. “I’m not saying that it will never happen; I just need to work on a few things. But in the meantime, I would still like to remain friends with you, if you’d be OK with that. I had a great time last night.”

  I laugh humorlessly, wiping my face. “Yeah, because we hooked up.”

  Jackson quickly corrects me. “No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean, the kissing was wonderful, but I had a good time for the entire night. I enjoyed every part of it, even when we were just talking.” He lifts my chin gently again, making me look at him. “Lucia, I do enjoy your company and I would like to remain friends. I think that being friends with you might help to make me a better person.”

  I consider my options. Is it really possible for me to just be friends with Jackson? I’m not even sure if I can control myself around him. My brain is telling me that my feelings for him will make being friends torture, but my heart can’t stand the thought of being apart. I decide that I can be strong, and I offer my hand to him.

  “Friends?” I ask.

  He takes my hand and shakes it. “Friends.”

  Chapter 17

  The next day, Patrick apologizes to me for his behavior at the restaurant. However, Jackson is still upset, and I catch him snapping at poor Patrick for the rest of the week. A month later Jackson and I are struggling to find balance between being friends and being attracted to one another. Jackson has become one of my closest friends, but we’ve also been kissing quite a bit more than most friends do. To a stranger, we would appear to be a couple from our walks in the park with Ginger, frequent lunches and dinners, movie dates, flirting, and sleepovers. Every time I pass Dennis, the doorman, he makes small talk with me, reminding me of how happy he is to see Jackson dating such a nice girl. I have yet to correct him, because I’m still partial to the idea of being Jackson’s girlfriend.

  Jackson and I have yet to do anything besides kissing one another, and we are also waiting to make any sort of commitment to one another. For some reason, we can’t seem to decide where we want to be as a pair. To the world, we are technically nothing more than friends, but I know that I want more and I can feel that he’s beginning to want more as well.

  When I get home, I walk into the living room of my apartment and see Autumn on the couch, talking on her phone while giggling and twirling her hair. She must notice how upset I am, because she quickly ends the call and turns to face me.

  “What’s up?” she asks. “Are you OK?”

  I sit on the couch next to her and sigh. “I just got off the phone with my sister.”

  Autumn bites her lip, worried. “And?”

  I sigh again. “She’s having a girl.”

  Autumn squeals and jumps on top of me, embracing me in a massive hug. “That’s great news! You’re going to be an aunt to a little girl! Why do you look so upset about that?”

  I pull away from her. “Don’t you get it?” I ask. “My sister is having a little princess, and my parents are simply ecstatic. My father keeps going on about how she’ll be the favorite of the grandchildren because she’s the first girl; he’s always had a soft spot for little girls. That’s why he never wanted a son; he claims they’re too rough.”

  Autumn asks, “But don’t most men want a son in order to carry on the family name?”

  “Yeah, but my uncle has three sons, so the name is covered,” I reply.

  After a minute of silence, Autumn jumps to her feet. “OK, I know something that will cheer you up. Let’s have a ladies’ night tonight, and we’ll get a group together to go have some fun in the city.”

  “I don’t know; I’m kind of tired,” I say, telling the truth. All of this baby nonsense has been exhausting.

  She puts her hands on her hips and sternly says, “You’ve been spending so much time with Jackson lately that we’ve hardly gotten to hang out. You deserve a night to yourself, and I want to spend some time with you, so we’re going out.” I nod my head and she immediately calls Danni, making plans excitedly.

  A few hours later, I’m sharing a table at an upscale Asian restaurant with Danni, Autumn, and Skyler and we have just received our cocktails. I’ve noticed Danni and Skyler casting one another furtive looks since we entered the building, and I finally get tired of it.

  After taking a long sip of my cosmo I ask, “What’s going on?”

  Danni rolls her eyes at me. “I’m just surprised to see you out, that’s all. I haven’t really seen or spoken to you in a month.”

  Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. “Don’t exaggerate, Danni. I’ve spoken to you.”

  “Short e-mails and texts don’t count,” she replies, “you don’t have any clue as to what’s been going on with me or anyone else because you’ve been so busy with your new friend Jackson. By the way, he’s not much of a friend if he’s still letting you believe that he isn’t going out with other women.”

  Her words sting and I turn to Skyler for support. However, the look on her face only reinforces Danni’s hurtful statement.

  “He was honest with me; he said that he isn’t ready for a relationship, and that he needs to change himself so he can be good enough for me.”

  Danni snaps at me. “Doesn’t that sound a lot like the things that Kellan used to say to you?”

  I look at Autumn’s face and see the same disappointed stare that I’m receiving from Danni and Skyler. Our waitress passes by and I grab her, ordering myself a shot of tequila.

  During dinner, the three of them try their best to make me feel better about my situation with Jackson, never hesitating to remind me that I deserve better. As we finish our cocktai
ls, Skyler changes the subject.

  “You know, you should really go back to Chat Love,” she says.

  “No, Skyler, I don’t want to. I am so sick of men and their shit, and I’ve had some of my worst dates with men that I met through that site,” I explain, hoping she’ll drop the subject.

  Frustrated, she says, “Lu, you can’t let a few bad dates and a British asshole lead you to give up completely. You have to keep going for your sake, not because of anybody else. I just know that if you don’t, there’s a good chance that you’ll never find someone who can make you truly happy.”

  Autumn adds, “Then, you’ll never hear the end of your parents’ whining.”

  Danni chimes in, “I’m even on Chat Love.”

  Thinking that the alcohol has affected my hearing I ask, “What?”

  She laughs. “I said I joined Chat Love.”

  “But I thought you said that you don’t want to be in a relationship?” I ask her; I’m curious about why she’s even bothering with the site.

  Danni waves her hand in the air. “I didn’t join Chat Love to find a relationship, silly. I joined for the same reasons that Corey and Ian did. It makes it so much easier to find someone to hook up with. Oh, and guess who I’ve been with lately?” she asks. When no one gives her an answer, she answers her own question. “I’ve been sleeping with Ian.”

  I choke on my drink when I hear my friend’s name exit her lips. Autumn pats my back, equally as shocked by Danni’s statement. After I catch my breath I ask, “Ian Smuckler, our friend since grade school? The womanizer? That Ian?”

  “The same; he certainly knows how to please a woman,” she winks.

  “You are having sex with Ian?” I repeat, trying to wrap my mind around the idea.

  Danni nods and defensively adds, “You would have known that sooner if you had actually been around. I stopped having sex with Chris awhile ago because he was boring me so I joined, met a few guys, and found out that Ian was one of them. We’ve been having fun so far, and I think I’ll keep him around until I get bored again.”