Chat Love

by Justine Faeth

  Autumn chimes in, “Oh, and you missed Corey and Sandy.”

  My head is beginning to hurt from information overload. I ask, “Sandy? Who’s she?”

  Autumn’s eyes light up. “Sandy is Corey’s new girlfriend. They have this thing about getting dirty in public places. It’s been interesting, to say the least.”

  I raise my eyebrows in question, curious as to what she means.

  She clarifies, “Corey was pretty freaked out when he almost had sex with that minor, so he went through this phase where he wouldn’t go out with a woman unless he’d checked her ID. In the middle of all of that he met Sandy, this little, quiet Japanese woman who is apparently a secret sex freak; she loves to fool around in public places. Of course Corey is in love, since she’s willing to blow him in public restrooms.” Autumn grimaces as I take another large sip of my drink.

  Danni nods her agreement. “It’s true; I saw them once.”

  Autumn adds in, “We all saw them, for that matter.”

  We finish our drinks and pay the bill, but before we all part ways, I pull Skyler into a corner, ready to get some answers.

  “How do you know that Jackson is going out with other women?” I ask.

  Skyler frowns. “Lu, I was out with Dave one night and we saw him out with some blonde; they were all over one another.” She rubs my back when she sees a tear fall from my eye. “The next day I confronted him about it and he told me he’s just dating to see if he’s really ready for a relationship. I think that’s a load of bullshit, but you’re going to have to decide that for yourself.”

  I ask hopefully, “Do you think that he means a relationship with me?”

  Skyler shakes her head. “Unfortunately, no. I think he was just saying that to make himself look better.” She grabs my shoulders firmly, looking me square in the eyes. “Lu, you need to move on. You need to go back on Chat Love and give it another chance. There is someone out there for you, I just know it.” She sighs. “Look, I love Jackson, but he is not boyfriend material. He has proven that many times, so you need to start believing it.”

  “But I like hanging out with him,” I argue.

  “As friends?” she asks. I nod my head. “Absolutely nothing more?” I nod my head again. “So that means that it wouldn’t bother you to see him with someone else?”

  Lying to both Skyler and myself, I mumble, “Of course; we are just friends.”

  I shut the large wooden door behind me as Jackson looks up from his laptop.

  “Hey,” he says, giving me one of his grins. I feel my knees shaking, and I’m nervous.

  He gets up from behind his desk and looks at the large, black clock on his wall, “I may be busy, but I can make some time for your lips,” he says, taking several steps in my direction.

  I roll my eyes and move past him, taking a seat in the large chair behind his desk.

  I hear him clear his throat. “Or we can talk, if that’s what you want.”

  I look at all of the framed pictures around his office; they’re all of people with similar facial features. Although I’ve never met them personally, I can tell that Jackson is from a loving family. I’ve been in his office before, but it was always for a quick confirmation or a meeting, and it feels different now that I’m actually looking around. He has a variety of pictures, many with family, but a few of him with people that I assume are his friends.

  “I like your pictures,” I say, trying to make small talk.

  “Thanks,” he replies. “Somehow, I don’t think you came here to talk about pictures, though. Am I right?”

  “You’re right,” I reply, remembering my reasons for coming. “Who should I talk about first?” I ask. “Caitlin? That woman you had dinner with at Carmine’s? Or maybe there are more women you’re spending time with that you’d like to fill me in on? Go ahead.” I fold my arms over my chest and glare at him.

  Jackson’s face pales. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  I stand up abruptly and he takes a quick step backward. “Did you really just ask me that question, Jackson?” I hiss. My voice rises as I step closer to him. “What’s wrong is that you tell me one day that you’re too messed up to date anyone, but then I hear about you going out with other women behind my back. You lied to me!”

  “I didn’t lie,” he says. “I am messed up.”

  “You’re damn right you are!” I reply, giving him a deliberate glare.

  “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Sweetheart, it’s not like you and I are sleeping together; I’m not cheating on you or anything.”

  “That’s not the point, Jackson. You told me that you weren’t ready for a commitment, but you have no problem behaving as though you’re my boyfriend while sleeping with a bunch of whores on the side. That’s wrong!”

  Jackson pulls away, his expression darkening. “Lucia, you are not my girlfriend, and I told you that. That means that I don’t need your permission to go and sleep with a woman, if I want to; I don’t expect you to ask for my permission to go out with a man.” He runs his hands through his hair. “You’re practically doing the same thing, dating all of these different guys at the same time. It’s not like you’d really want to be with me, anyway.”

  I choke out, “You don’t know that!”

  He responds, “Lucia, you are enjoying just having fun with me right now, but I doubt if you’d have anything in common with me if we were in a relationship.”

  I’m speechless, so I just continue to glare at him.

  “The funny part is,” he continues,”I have no way of finding out, because you put up so many walls. Everything is too physical, and everything is forbidden; you won’t really let me know you, and you’re holding back.” He holds the door to his office open for me. “We both need to figure things out separately.”

  Not wanting to reveal how upset I am, I slink out of his office with my head down, trying my best to ignore the sting of my shattered pride.

  Chapter 18

  After my heartbreaking discussion with Jackson, I decide to logon to Chat Love and answer a few of the e-mails that I’ve been ignoring. One message from a user calling himself “Yankees Fan” catches my eye. The message is short:

  Hello YankeesGirl4Ever,

  My name is Jack and I read your profile; I like what I see. You seem like someone I would get along with. Hope to hear from you soon.

  P.S. I love your username.

  I scroll through his profile and notice that Jack has posted no pictures of himself. However, his information reads the same way as mine: he has been hurt in the past and wants to find a relationship that will let him take things slowly. I’m pleased to see that we also share similar tastes in movies, music, and art. He seems to be a great match, but I’m also curious as to why he seems so secretive. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want anyone to know that he uses the site; I can certainly relate to that. I send him a quick reply message and hope to hear back from him soon, my curiosity piqued.

  The rest of the week with Jackson is strained and stressful, and we don’t bother trying to hide the fact that we’re upset with one another. Once again, Caitlin is all over him, constantly touching him and bending over to reveal her assets.

  I try hard to ignore Jackson by spending much of my free time chatting with Jack through Chat Love e-mail. Despite his secrecy and cryptic persona, he has been the most comfortable man for me to talk to so far. Although I initially disliked the fact that I couldn’t see a picture of him, I’m beginning to enjoy the mystery of the situation, especially because I’m getting to know him strictly based on his personality, rather than his looks.

  Jack and I have been talking every day, often exchanging messages several times within one day. We talk about everything, and I’m beginning to learn that it’s easier to talk to a man when you have no idea what he might look like. It’s almost as if he can’t judge you.

  Tonight I have a date with Victor, a graphic artist with shaggy black hair, horn-rimmed glasses, and a collection of tattoos covering
his forearms. Through our brief conversations, I’ve gathered that he wants a laid-back woman to enjoy spending his time with, free from drama or trouble. I’m more than willing to give him a try, because I really just want the same thing in a man.

  I walk into the bar he’d suggested in Hell’s Kitchen and look around for my date. Many men have the same sort of style that I’ve seen in Victor’s profile pictures, so it takes me a few minutes to finally spot him drinking a beer alone in a corner booth.

  After we introduce ourselves, I order a beer and we begin talking. Victor in many ways reminds me of Ben; a soft and sweet man with a hard exterior. I instantly fall for him.

  After our third beer, Victor turns to me with a twinkle in his eye. “Can I draw you?”

  I giggle. “What?”

  He instantly stares at my face, examining the details of every feature.

  “You are very beautiful. You have such delicate features.” He touches my face gently. “You have expressive eyes; they give away everything you are feeling.” He moves his fingers lightly to my cheek. “Your skin is soft and smooth, and when you blush, it takes on a perfect rosy color—you blush when someone compliments you.” He moves his finger to my lips. “And your lips make me want to kiss you.”

  I smile and ask, “What’s stopping you?”

  He gives me a shy smile and leans in, gently placing his lips on mine. I don’t feel any sparks, but Victor is a sweet kisser, and we quickly find a comfortable rhythm.

  After a minute he pulls away, groaning. “I really hate to do this, and trust me when I say I don’t want to, but I have to go.”

  I look down at my watch and see that it’s only ten o’clock. “Oh, OK,” I say, “do you have to work in the morning or something?”

  He rubs his face with his hand. “You want honesty in a relationship, right?” I nod my head. He takes a deep breath and explains, “The thing is, I have another date.”

  I laugh. “Right, sure you do. Seriously, though, you can tell me the truth. I’d actually prefer it that way,” I assure him.

  I look at his facial expression and see that he isn’t joking. Instead, he is looking down at his empty beer glass, his face red from embarrassment.

  “I’m really sorry,” he offers.

  I ask, stunned, “Why would you double-book yourself?”

  He turns to me quickly to explain. “You don’t understand how long I have been on Chat Love, and for the longest time, I’d only ever meet these women that I just couldn’t stand, so I decided to start meeting a couple of women on Friday nights so that I could leave Saturdays open for time with my friends. You’re one of the first people I’ve met that I actually want to see again.”

  I blurt out, “That’s nice, but I feel cheap.”

  He continues to rant, “But I really like you, it’s true. Still, I do have to go or I am going to be late.”

  He stands and leans in to kiss me, stopping when he sees my angry expression. He pulls away and asks, “Can I at least call you tomorrow?”

  I cross my arms. “No. You might be with your second date.”

  I hear him curse under his breath and he walks away, leaving me with another negative Chat Love experience to add to the list.

  Later, I meet my friends at a jazz club, and I am given the opportunity to finally meet Sandy, Corey’s new girlfriend whom I’ve heard so much about. She is a naturally pretty Japanese woman with mid-length straight black hair and pale skin. She works teaching high school literature and is extremely intelligent, practically the opposite of the kinds of women Corey is normally interested in. Corey rarely attracts smart girls, and I’m actually impressed with Sandy, hoping that she can make a positive impact on my friend.

  As the night goes on I have two glasses of champagne and soon need to go to the bathroom. I excuse myself and enter the ladies’ room, only to walk in on Sandy and Corey having sex in one of the stalls; I know it’s them because Sandy isn’t exactly reserved when it comes to screaming out Corey’s name.

  I freeze, not quite sure how to react to the situation. I blurt out a quick apology and rush to the other restroom, thankful that the restaurant has two. After I relieve myself I wash my hands and make my way back to our table. I see Autumn and Wayne talking to Jackson and Chris, and I am thankful for the fact that Danni is out on a separate date with Ian. I’d heard that her breakup with Chris hadn’t ended well, and the last thing I want to see is more drama. Of course, Jackson looks temptingly sexy, and hating him is once again difficult.

  I look in the opposite direction and see Corey and Sandy sitting on a couch and whispering to one another. I can’t decide which is worse: talking to the couple I’d just walked in on having sex, or talking to the man I desperately want but cannot have. I choose the former, and rush past Jackson to sit next to Corey on the couch.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again. Corey laughs and pats my knees.

  “Lu, it’s OK. It was your turn to see Sandy and I in action, anyway.”

  I look past him and see Sandy blushing. She is back to appearing timid, and I begin to think she may be perfect for Corey; she provides the best of both worlds. I can sense Jackson staring at me, and as much as I want to ignore him, I try to steal a glance without him noticing. Instead, he catches my gaze and makes his way over to where I’m sitting. I turn back to Corey and Sandy, trying my best to appear busily engaged in a conversation with them, but their whispering eliminates any chance of escape. Giving up, I sigh and turn to face Jackson as he takes a seat next to me.

  “What do you want?” I ask him.

  He clears his throat and asks, “Do you want a drink?”

  I shake my head. I’m trying to follow a new policy involving avoiding alcohol when Jackson is around.

  “You look good; I like that color on you,” he says, trying to make awkward small-talk.

  “Thanks, I just came back from a date,” I reply.

  I see his jaw clench and he takes a large sip of his beer. “How did that go?” he asks, obviously hoping for a negative answer. Tonight, he is in luck.

  I briefly consider lying, but I can tell that he’s hoping the date went badly, so I decide to tell the truth. “Well, I’m here instead of out with him, so you do the math,” I reply sarcastically.

  He looks relieved and gives me a small smile. “Why didn’t it go well?”

  I answer him, “Because he double-booked himself.”

  Jackson laughs loudly, holding his stomach. After a moment, I begin to laugh with him. In those few minutes of laughter, I begin to realize just how ridiculous the entire situation really is. After we quiet down again, Jackson changes the subject. “So, where’s your friend Danni tonight? My mate Chris was really hoping she’d come out; he’s been heartbroken since she ended things.”

  I raise my eyebrow at him. “I highly doubt it’s his heart that’s been hurting,” I say. “I’d suspect the issue lies a little further south than that.”

  He chuckles and raises his glass. “Exactly.” He takes a drink and nods his head in the direction of Corey and Sandy. “How did those two meet?”

  I answer him, “Chat Love.” After a minute of his silence I continue, “It’s a dating site that people use.”

  He gives me a look. “I know what Chat Love is. I don’t live under a rock, after all.” He takes a sip of his drink. “One of my sisters just joined, actually.” I look up at him, waiting for his next sentence. “She seems to like it, and she’s even a good-looking girl, so I think she just enjoys how much simpler it is than having to meet people in person all the time.” He takes another sip of his beer. “She says that it’s really good for someone trying to get his act together, and working to find a relationship that doesn’t just revolve around sex with a lot of girls.”

  I look at him in surprise. Is he talking about himself? I open my mouth to correct him, assuming he’s still referring to his sister, but he gets up from the couch.

  “I should go,” he says curtly. “I’ll see you on Monday morning.” He rushe
s past me and says goodbye to a few other people before hurrying out the door.

  On Saturday morning I receive a lengthy e-mail from Jack that shares a few details about one of his recent dates. He describes the woman as having been pleasant company, but he was disappointed to discover that she wasn’t really his type. After my recent experiences, I know exactly how he feels. As I read on, he begins to discuss honesty, and explains that he’d like to be open with me about a woman he’s interested in at work. According to his message, his feelings for her are strong, but he doesn’t want to date her out of fear of hurting her. He thinks that Chat Love will be a good way for him to meet other people and see if he’s ready to be in a relationship.

  As I’m reading the message, I don’t exactly understand Jack’s logic, but I still send him a friendly reply message thanking him for his honesty and telling him that I’d recommend giving things a try with his coworker. I’m no expert, but I’ve definitely been in her shoes lately, and I know that if I had my choice, I’d want the same thing.

  Later that I night, I meet up with Dale, a journalist with a hilarious profile on the site. Although he isn’t the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, his profile had me in stitches when I read it, and I couldn’t resist meeting him in person. We are currently sitting in a restaurant with prices that make my eyes bug out. Personally, I feel bad that Dale is spending such a ridiculous amount of money on dinner, when I would have been perfectly fine with dining somewhere a bit less ritzy.

  After a bit of time, Dale and I are sitting at a table, surrounded by plates of food. He had insisted on ordering a variety of dishes, claiming that he was starving. Now that the dishes are in front of me, I’m trying to figure out how the two of us will be able to eat all of this food. Dale, however, has no problem digging right in, and he begins to stuff his face. For the next twenty minutes, he’s practically silent, urging me to continue talking as he vacuums up food.

  Not surprisingly, Dale excuses himself to the restroom just a few moments after we finish eating. After the amount of food that I’d seen him eat, I wouldn’t have been surprised to find him throwing up in the bathroom. While I wait for him to return, I pull out my phone and open my Chat Love inbox. Sure enough, there’s a new message from Jack. I open it and begin to read.