Chat Love

by Justine Faeth

  My mom clears her throat, waiting for my answer and shaking me from my thoughts. I take a sip of my orange juice and decide to lie, telling them that I’d had a wonderful time last night and making sure to avoid mentioning Matt.

  After breakfast, my parents drive us to the hospital to visit my niece. Although Gabriella has been released, doctors are still keeping Antonia in an incubator to help keep her from getting sick. The car ride is unusually quiet, and I stare absentmindedly out the window, watching the passing scenery. I close my eyes and lean my head back, trying to clear my mind.

  My father breaks the silence. “How’s Jackson?” he asks.

  I open my eyes and meet my father’s gaze in the rearview mirror. I shrug my shoulders.

  My father responds, “Your sister said that he seems like a good guy.”

  My heart aches at the mention of his name. “He is,” I agree.

  “So what’s the problem then? Why are you not together?” My mother turns around in her seat to look at me, obviously wondering the same thing.

  Finally fed up, I raise my voice, “I’m the problem, OK? It’s my business, not yours.” I immediately regret snapping at him, but I also have no desire to talk about Jackson with my parents.

  We stop at a red light and I see my father glaring at me in the mirror. After a minute the light turns green and he turns his gaze back to the road. He grunts and turns up the radio, ending our conversation.

  My father parks the car and we all get out. Before I can follow my mother inside, I feel my father grab my arm, pulling me backward. My mom notices and turns around, but my father tells her to go inside without us. She narrows her eyes at him and he says something in Italian, speaking too quickly for me to understand. She nods and continues walking into the hospital as my father turns to me and clears his throat.

  “Lucia, what happened last night?” he asks.

  “I already told you about the reunion, Dad.”

  My father shakes his head and pulls me over to a bench near the hospital doors. He sits down and pats the seat next to him, inviting me to sit. I lower myself onto the bench and bite my lip nervously. I have always been intimidated by my father, and I’m wondering what he’s about to say.

  “Last night you came home upset, not wanting to talk,” he begins. I open my mouth to argue but he silences me with a look before continuing. “Did something happen last night that we should know about? Did you do something bad with Matt?” he asks.

  My eyes widen and I shake my head. “No, Dad, I would never do anything like that. Matt’s married!”

  He nods his head. “I know he is,” he says, “but I just wanted to make sure.” I look down at my sandals, trying to avoid making eye contact. I hear my father inhale deeply. “Lucia, I know that I can be hard on you, but I want you to know something.” I look up at him and see his eyes glazed over with tears. “No matter what, the only thing I want is for you to be happy. Do you understand?”

  I grab his hand and squeeze it tightly. “What makes you think I’m not happy, Dad? I have a good life.”

  “I know, but your eyes don’t sparkle like they used to—not until recently, anyway.” I look at my father curiously and he smiles. “When you came to the hospital with Jackson the other night, I saw that same sparkle for the first time in years. You looked truly happy.” My breath catches in my throat as I fight back tears. My father adds, “When that young man looked at you, I saw his eyes sparkling, too.”

  The tears begin to fall from my eyes and my father puts his arm around me, holding me close. I lay my head on his shoulder and cry, and I’m reminded of my childhood.

  “Daddy, I don’t know what to do,” I say, sniffling.

  My father lifts my chin and makes me look at him. “Yes, you do. Your heart knows what to do; all you need to do is stop and listen to what it’s saying. You always listened to it before, so don’t stop now.” I smile as he hands me his handkerchief.

  When we walk into the waiting room, Gabriella and my grandmother are sitting and talking to one another. Gabriella looks exhausted and stressed, and I can tell that she’s feeling the first pressures of motherhood. They stop talking when they see us enter, both rising to give us hugs. My grandmother smiles at me and winks.

  “I’m very happy about your boyfriend, Lucia,” she says with a grin.

  I cock my head. “Boyfriend?”

  She hands me an envelope containing cash. “That is a little gift from me. Put it in the bank to save for the wedding,” she says, beaming enthusiastically.

  I look at Gabriella for help and she explains, “The family heard that you brought Jackson with you when Antonia was born. You know how gossip travels,” she says, giving me an apologetic look.

  I groan and hand the envelope back to my grandmother. “Grandma, that man you heard about isn’t my boyfriend; he’s just a man I work with.” She refuses to take the envelope back and instead reclaims her seat next to Gabriella.

  “Just you wait, Lucia. God told me last night in my dream that you will be engaged soon.”

  I look at my father but he just rolls his eyes.

  “Just thank your grandmother,” he whispers.

  I mumble my thanks and quickly turn to Gabriella, asking her where Mom is.

  My grandmother overhears and answers for Gabby. “Your mother is visiting Antonia. You need to go see your niece, too.” She stands and shoos me in the direction of the NICU entrance.

  I go through the doors and walk down the long hallway, finally spotting Tony leaning against the wall. He looks just as haggard as his wife, and I put my hand on his shoulder sympathetically. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes and hugs me tightly, sniffling.

  He pulls away and dabs at his tears with his shirtsleeve. “I’m sorry; I’ve just been holding that in for awhile now. I don’t want to cry in front of your sister because she’s been crying enough as it is. I want to be strong for her, but I’m worried about Antonia.”

  It upsets me to see Tony so worried. The two of them had been so excited to become parents and now they were experiencing the fear and worry associated with having a premature baby. I rub Tony’s back to comfort him.

  “It’s going to be OK, I promise. Antonia is strong like you and she’ll have no problem making it through this; lots of babies are born prematurely.” He puts his hand up and I stop talking.

  “I know she will; I’m just worried, that’s all. Let’s talk about something else.” Before he says a word, I already know what topic he’s going to bring up. “So where’s your boyfriend?” he asks.

  I groan. “Come on, Tony, you too?” I lean against the wall, my head making a small thud. “Jackson and I are coworkers and nothing more, OK?”

  “But you want to be more than that, don’t you?” he asks knowingly. I turn to look at him with wide eyes. “It’s OK to admit it, Lu. I’m no gay man but even I will admit that he’s a handsome guy.” We both laugh. “Anyway, nobody gives their coworker the kind of stares he was giving you the other night. I’m just saying …” he trails off, grinning.

  I shake my head, tired of discussing Jackson. “He just brought me to the hospital because he has a car; it was just for convenience.”

  He chuckles. “Well, you’re going to have to do something. Your sister already told everybody in the family and they all think you’re going to marry him.”

  I sigh. “I knew Gabby had something to do with this. Why is everybody so bothered by my being single?”

  “Because we want you to be happy,” he replies.

  “Everybody keeps saying that but you all know that I’m not that kind of woman. I don’t need a man to make me happy,” I say, frustrated.

  “I know,” Tony says gently, “but love only adds to your happiness.”

  I stare down at my sandals, processing his words. I look back up at Tony and he smiles, giving me a soft punch on the arm.

  “Let’s talk about something else,” he says. “This romance stuff is boring; tell me about baseball. I’ve been st
uck in this hospital for so long that I’ve almost forgotten how the game is played.” He winks and our conversation returns to normal, thankfully.

  Soon, my mother comes out into the hallway with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.

  “Our little angel is strong!” she says, grinning.

  Tony nods in agreement. “Just like her mother.”

  “And her father,” I add, nudging Tony with my elbow. He smiles and holds the door open for me as I step inside to see my niece.

  After being prepped by a nurse, I walk into the NICU ward and approach the little incubator that is holding Antonia. She is surrounded by machines and tubes, and it pains me to see needles in her tiny arms. She is so small and has strikingly beautiful blue eyes. I want to hold her, kiss her, and whisper sweet things to her, but I’m only allowed to touch her using the gloves attached to the incubator. As I gently stroke her tiny hand, I begin talking to her in quiet tones. She stares at me intently, and she almost appears wise.

  “Hi, Antonia, how are you today?” I continue to pet her hand. “Your aunt isn’t doing so well.” Before I know it, I’m spilling my problems to my infant niece. Oddly enough, I am comforted by Antonia’s tiny hand holding my finger and I ask her opinion, almost expecting an answer. “Antonia, what should I do? Should I take a chance or play it safe?” I decide to give fate a chance to speak, and I say, “Antonia, squeeze my finger if you think that I’m meant to be with Jackson.”

  I don’t expect a reaction, and I feel crazy for even talking about my problems with a tiny infant. I put my head down, burdened by the weight of my stress and worry. All of a sudden, I feel her tiny fist tighten around my finger and I look down to see her smiling up at me. She’s given me her answer, and I now know what I need to do.

  Chapter 26

  After leaving the hospital, my parents insist on taking me out to dinner. I want nothing more than to talk to Jackson, but I reluctantly go along with their wishes, not wanting to cause them any more stress. After we eat, they drive me to my apartment and drop me off outside. I wait until I see their car disappear around a corner and then hail a cab immediately, throwing my paintings and bag into the backseat as I climb inside.

  As soon as the cab slows to a stop in front of Jackson’s building, I throw the driver a wad of cash and leave without bothering to take my change. My goal is to see Jackson and finally confess to him what I’ve known for a while: I am in love.

  I dash inside, leave my bags and paintings with Dennis, and run to the elevator. I push the button, bouncing on my toes as I wait for the car to reach the bottom floor.

  “He’s not home.”

  I turn around and see Dennis smiling at me, unaware of the urgency of the situation.

  My heart drops as I imagine Jackson sitting at a bar with a new woman, moving on and forgetting all about me.

  Dennis must sense my distress because he quickly adds, “He took Ginger for her nightly walk, but he should be home soon. I don’t know how long he’s planning on being gone.” He sets down the magazine that he was reading and says, “We’ve missed you.”

  “We?” I ask.

  Dennis laughs. “Yeah, Jackson has been pretty down since you stopped coming around. So has Ginger, for that matter.”

  I bite my bottom lip and decide that I just can’t wait to see him. I thank Dennis and rush out the doors, turning and running in the direction of Central Park.

  By the time I arrive at the park I am out of breath from having run the entire way. My skin is glistening with sweat, my hair is a tangled mess, my feet are killing me, and I’ve lost one of my shoes. Now that I am actually at the park, I begin to realize the full weight of the situation. I walk to a section of the park that I know Jackson likes and immediately spot both he and Ginger. My heart sinks when I see that he is talking to a beautiful woman, and I quickly duck behind a tree, trying not to cry.

  As I watch the woman flirt, touching his arm lightly, I lean against the tree for support. All of a sudden I hear a loud bark as I’m knocked to the ground and covered in wet, sloppy kisses.

  “Ginger, stop it!” I hear Jackson’s voice growing louder as he runs to where I am. He lifts Ginger off of me and holds out his hand, offering to help me up. “Miss, are you OK?” I cover my face with my hands, trying to hide my identity.

  The woman says, “I think her face is hurt.” I shake my head but I feel Jackson tugging at my hands as I struggle to keep my face hidden.

  “Let me see, Miss. We may need to take you to the hospital,” he says as he moves my hands away from my face. I hear him gasp. “Lucia?”

  I open my eyes and see him staring back at me, shocked. The woman speaks again, and I notice her British accent for the first time.

  “You’re Lucia?” she asks with a smile.

  I nod sheepishly. Jackson shakes his head and looks back at the woman, narrowing his eyes at her as if he’s telling her to keep quiet. She puts her hands up, laughing.

  “You know what, it’s getting late. I’ll leave you two alone.” She winks at Jackson and says to him, “Call me tomorrow. I think you may be too busy tonight.”

  I sit up and shake my head, accepting my fate. “No, it’s OK. I’ll go. I’m sorry I disturbed your date.” It was my own fault for waiting too long to tell him how I felt, and I was going to have to learn to accept the consequences.

  “Date?” They both echo the word in unison.

  The woman’s smile widens as he says to Jackson, “It seems that you two need to talk.” She waves and skips away, leaving me alone with Jackson and Ginger.

  I pet Ginger’s head and take a deep breath, mumbling another apology to Jackson.

  Jackson shakes his head, laughing. “Lucia, that wasn’t a date. That woman is my sister, Donna.”

  I look up at him and see him smiling at me. “Your sister?” I ask.

  “Remember when I told you that my sister was planning on moving to New York? Donna was the sister I was talking about.”

  We both remain quiet for a few minutes as I mentally connect the dots. Jackson breaks the silence by asking, “How was your high school reunion? Did you see your ex-boyfriend?”

  I nod. “It was all right,” I say.

  “Did anything happen between the two of you?”

  “No!” I reply, shaking my head. “He’s happily married, with a baby on the way.”

  He laughs and runs his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry; I just wanted to make sure that you hadn’t done something you’d regret.”

  I freeze. Jackson was worried that I’d sleep with Matt; he was jealous. I decide that the time has come to be honest.

  “Jackson, I don’t have feelings for Matt. In fact, I only have feelings for one person.”

  He looks at me, his eyes sparkling with hope as a smile spreads across his face.

  “Do I know the person you have feelings for?” he asks.

  I look up at him and give a small nod. He offers me his hand and I take it, slowly rising to my feet.

  “We need to talk,” he says, grabbing Ginger’s leash. “Let’s go to my apartment.” We walk back to his building in silence, Ginger trotting along beside us.

  We walk past Dennis and he winks at me, obviously happy that Jackson and I are together again. Jackson and I give Dennis a nod and he chuckles. As we enter the elevator, Jackson takes my hand and squeezes it.

  When we reach his floor after what feels like an eternity, we slowly approach his door. He unlocks it with a shaky hand, and flips the light switch as we step inside. I gasp; I’ve never seen his apartment look so messy.

  Jackson clears his throat, and I turn to see that he is blushing.

  “I’m sorry about the mess; things have been a bit hectic lately.” He unhooks Ginger’s leash and she runs to chew on a bone lying on the floor. Jackson begins moving toward the couch and I stop him, placing my hand on his arm.

  “Wait, before we talk, I need to go to the restroom, OK?” He nods and I make my way to the bathroom, trying to avoid steppin
g on any of Ginger’s toys. As soon as I shut the door I look at myself in the mirror and grimace. I splash water on my face and frantically try to smooth my hair, eventually just giving up. If Jackson wants me, he is going to have to get used to seeing me at my worst.

  I can hear the sound of Jackson moving things around, and I know that he’s trying to straighten up while I’m in the bathroom. I steal a swig of his mouthwash and take one last look in the mirror before leaving the bathroom, my head held high.

  I step into the living room and immediately notice that Jackson has cleaned up. He is bent over behind the couch, frantically gathering Ginger’s toys.

  “Hey,” I say and he jumps, dropping several of her toys and blushing.

  He turns around and gives me a small smile. “Hey.”

  I bite my lip and walk over to the couch, taking a seat. He makes his way around the other side and joins me.

  “So, what did you want to talk about?” he asks. We both already know the answer to his question, but I turn to him, ready to explain everything. His body is rigid and he seems anxious and nervous.

  After a moment of uncomfortable silence, I clear my throat and begin with an apology.

  “I’m sorry,” I start. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so cold lately. I was just confused, hurt, and scared, and I didn’t know what to do.” I turn to him and rest my hand on his forearm. “Jackson, I had enough trouble accepting the fact that I’d found two men who were perfect for me, and for some reason, I had even more trouble accepting the fact that they were both you.”

  He takes a deep breath and relaxes. He grabs my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

  “I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner, but I was afraid that you wouldn’t want to be with me after you found out that I was Jack. I told you so many things online, and a lot of them were about you; I didn’t know if you had already stopped liking Jack like all of the other guys you met on Chat Love.” Jackson moves a piece of hair behind my ear. “Lucia, you need to know something important. Lucia, I love you.”