by Talia Hunter
Suzie stared at the calamari splattered on the floor, her throat tightening. Any minute she was going to let the tears burst out and then she wouldn’t be able to stop them. “I’m happy for you.” It came out sounding choked. “Sorry. I’ve got to go.”
“Suzie? Are you okay?”
She cleared her throat, forcing herself to be calm. This wasn’t the time for more tears. She had to end the call, then roll up her sleeves and start making three hundred mini quiche cases. Tonight, when she was at home in bed, she’d let herself cry. Until then she couldn’t allow herself to feel the pain that chiseled at her insides when she thought about never getting to spend time with Nate again.
“I can’t do this,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
“You can’t still be angry about what happened on the yacht?”
“That’s not it.”
“Then tell me why. The truth. I won’t leave you alone unless you do.”
The truth? Well, why not? It wasn’t like she had any dignity or self-respect left to lose. She took a breath. “It’s because I’ll never feel like anything but a failure when I’m around you.”
“What?” He sounded startled. “Do I make you feel that way?”
“Yes, but not on purpose. And it’s nothing you can do anything about.”
“What do you mean?”
“How many millions did you make selling Journeyman? How could anything I did ever compare to that?”
“Suzie, it’s not a competition.”
“No. Because I’m too far behind. I don’t want to be the one who’s always trailing, Nate. For once I want to be the one who’s out in front. I’ll never get that if we’re together.”
He was silent for a moment. “If only you could see yourself through my eyes, you’d know you’ve already won.”
Oh God. He was making this so hard. Was she making a huge mistake?
But the mess of ruined calamari was right there in front of her, and Nate lived thousands of miles away. As hard as it was, ending it now had to be the right thing to do.
“I’m sorry, Nate. But confidence isn’t something you can give me. It’s something I have to find for myself.” Her tears were flowing now, ready or not. She’d never hated herself more than she did right now, saying goodbye in the cruelest possible way to the man she’d grown to love. It was the only way she could say goodbye, and know he wouldn’t keep trying. Because at any moment her resolve was going to shatter, and then she’d be lost.
“Suzie, I’m in love with you.“
She squeezed her eyes shut, one hand pressed to her chest as though applying pressure could stop the pain. Breathe, Suzie. Air goes in, air goes out.
“Suz?”
With her eyes closed and the phone hard against her ear, she slowly shook her head. She couldn’t let his feelings change her decision. All her life she’d been putting herself second, and she wasn’t going to do that anymore. Not even for him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It took all her strength to disconnect the call.
19
Her hand was sore. Suzie looked down and realized she’d been pounding the flour mixture with the pastry blender for who knew how long. Overworked? That was an understatement. Instead of being able to see small chunks of butter in the dough, it was smooth. And had she put in the salt?
All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull the covers over her head. Crying into the dough would be unsanitary and she had a lot more tears to shed. But she had to make the quiche cases today, so the pastry could rest in the fridge overnight.
She tasted a little of the mixture and groaned. It was way too salty. She must have added the salt more than once by mistake.
What a waste. She couldn’t use this now, but there wasn’t enough butter and flour left to make another batch, so she’d have to go out and buy some. Suzie threw the ruined pastry in the trash on top of the calamari.
Had she made an awful mistake? Nate already had a problem with commitment, and she’d probably made it a million times worse. Would he ever trust anyone again? Their phone conversation replayed over and over in her mind. He was in love with her. The revelation had made it so much harder, but loving him back wasn’t the problem.
If only she could manage even a fraction of his success.
She needed Nate’s secret, the one he wouldn’t tell her. He’d said to ask Harrison next time she saw him, only she couldn’t wait that long. She needed it now.
She picked up her cellphone, then hesitated. If she asked him, would Harrison even know what she was talking about? And if he did, would he tell her? The way Nate had acted, the story had to be personal. Harrison might not want to share it.
Suzie looked over to the trash, to all the food she’d wasted. If she didn’t do something, tomorrow night would be a total disaster. Forget putting her own spin on the evening, at this point she was more worried about not messing it up completely. And if that happened, Marianna would never let her cater a wedding on her own again, let alone put her dishes on the menu.
What would Nate say about her nervousness over calling Harrison? In spite of everything, Suzie’s lips twitched as she imagined him next to her, making the decision for her in his trademark way.
Screw it.
Suzie dialed the number Harrison had given her, and listened to it ring for what seemed like ages. Her thumb hovered over the disconnect button.
“Hello?” Harrison’s voice, slightly breathless.
“Hi.” She sounded as awkward as she felt, and cleared her throat. “It’s Suzie.”
“Oh hey.” He said it casually, like she called every other day. “How’s it going, Suzie? You and Nate back from the wedding now?”
“Nate’s in New York, but I’m here in LA. And when we talked, you said you wanted to get together.” She realized she was drumming her fingernails nervously against the counter and pulled her hand away. “Did you mean it? I mean, do you still want to?”
“Sure I do. When?”
Suzie took a deep breath. “Truth is, there’s something I badly need to know and I’m hoping you’ll be able to tell me. What are you doing today?”
He gave a short, surprised laugh. “Today?” he repeated. When Suzie didn’t say anything, he said, “Well, nothing, I guess. Sure, we could catch up today if you want. I’m intrigued. What time?”
Suzie checked her watch. There wouldn’t be too much traffic if she left now, and if she didn’t stay at his place too long she could pick up more flour and butter on the way back and get the quiche cases in the fridge tonight. “I could come to your place, if that works for you? Three o’clock okay?”
“You remember where I live? Want the address?”
“No, I remember. I’ll see you at three.” Suzie hung up with a sense of relief. Maybe Harrison thought she was crazy taking him up on his offer so soon, but he was polite enough to sound enthusiastic about the idea. Could he be as curious to see her again as she was to see him? If he’d changed anything like as much as Nate had, she might not recognize him. Would he still have his piercings?
She left everything as it was in the kitchen, too scared to clean up before she left in case she lost her nerve.
“Come on, Rusty. We’re going for a drive.” Her dog was beside himself with excitement and hung his head out the car window the whole way, loving the feel of the wind on his face. Suzie spent the entire drive wondering what on earth she was going to say to Harrison when she saw him, and by the time she pulled up outside his house, she still hadn’t figured it out.
“Stay,” she told Rusty, and left the window down for him. She went up the path, summoned her courage, and knocked on Harrison’s front door. A moment later it opened, and she blinked with shock. Harrison wasn’t anything like the boy she remembered. For a start, his hair had gone grey.
“Hey,” he said, stepping forward to give her an awkward hug. “You haven’t changed, Suzie. Except you’re prettier now, if that’s possible.”
“You haven’t changed much either.” It was a lie. H
is piercings were gone. A hint of the Harrison she remembered was still lingering in in his craggy face, but Nate had been right and grief had weathered him, carving lines in his face as surely as water does when it runs over rock. His smile might not be sexy anymore, but its warmth reminded her of Nate’s.
Harrison invited her in, leading her into a sitting room where sun was streaming in through the window. There weren’t many decorative touches. No throw cushions on the couches, or magazines on the coffee table. But there were photos on the wall and on a side table. Photos of a younger, happier Harrison, with a smiling woman. And photos of the two of them with a little girl. Yasmina, it had to be. Suzie’s heart lurched. What a gorgeous girl she’d been. And she’d had Harrison’s smile. Nate’s smile. Oh God. Suzie put her hand over her heart, suddenly wanting to cry again.
“I see Nate told you about my daughter.” Harrison was watching her.
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “Can I get you a drink?”
She hesitated, remembering that Nate had also told her Harrison had a drinking problem.
Harrison’s lips twisted. “Coffee? Juice? Water?”
“Water, please.”
While he went to the kitchen, she took a closer look at the photos. There were a couple of Nate, looking so gorgeous that her heart beat faster. In one he wore his crooked grin, and she ran her finger gently over his face, wishing he were standing in front of her. She ached to feel his arms around her, for his lips to brush hers. If she closed her eyes for a moment, she could just about smell his cologne…
Harrison coughed behind her and she spun around guiltily, as though he’d caught her doing something impolite.
“Your water.”
“Thanks.” She took it but didn’t take a sip. “How come you still own this place?”
“Mom left it to us, but were too young to stay here. We lived with our father in Florida and this place sat empty until we were old enough to come back.” He motioned her to a chair. When she sat, he took the one opposite. “Did Nate tell you about our father?”
“No.”
“He’s a jerk. I couldn’t wait to get back here.” He looked around with a sheepish half-smile. “My shrink says I live here so I can pretend I’m a kid again and forget the last dozen years ever happened, but so what, right? Sometimes you do what you can to survive.”
“Whatever gets you through,” she agreed.
He gave her a sideways look. “This is probably a rude question, but ever since we spoke on the phone, I’ve been wondering. What’s up with you and Nate?”
She sipped her water, stalling for time. “Well. Um. Nate and I, ah, reconnected. But we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms.” She set the water on the side table.
Harrison adjusted the cushion behind him, making himself comfortable. “That’s a shame.” His manner was easy and for a moment it seemed as though he hadn’t changed at all and they were teenagers again.
“Did you find it difficult growing up with Nate? I mean, because he’s so smart?”
Harrison laughed, and she felt suddenly glad she’d come. His laugh was familiar, like they were two old friends sharing a secret. “You have no freakin’ idea.”
She grinned. Harrison understood. He’d grown up being second best too. It must have been just as difficult having a brother like Nate as it had been having Laura for a sister. Hadn’t Harrison once shot her a look at their school’s award ceremony all those years ago when Nate had collected yet another certificate?
“Me too, with Laura. I was older than her, but I always used to feel like I was the younger sister. Right from the beginning, she had everything worked out.”
“The worst was when I found out Nate and I were going to be in the same math class,” said Harrison. “I tried to convince Mom to let me change schools.”
Suzie rolled her eyes. “Me, too. And worse. Laura was a whole year ahead of me in science.”
“Sucked, didn’t it?” There was sadness behind his smile. Sadness she’d bet never left him.
“Anyway, Nate and I…” She hesitated, not knowing how to say it. But she didn’t need to.
Harrison nodded. “I can see that. He’s a lucky guy.”
“Only he’s not. Because I couldn’t stay with him, not when it would be like me and Laura all over again. My life’s a mess. I had to give up my consultancy a few years ago, and I got into debt. I’ve been working part time for a friend since then, but I can barely manage to buy groceries, let alone pay my debt back. And Nate’s a millionaire, with everything sorted out. I feel like a disappointment. Second best. And I can’t stand it.” Woah, where was this coming from? But it felt good blurting everything out to Harrison. At least he had a chance of understanding.
He leaned forward, his expression serious. “Did Nate tell you I don’t have a job? That I haven’t had one for years?” His gaze flicked to the photos. “Ever since Yasmina died.”
“He told me you were writing a book.”
“I always wanted to. Maybe one day I will.” Harrison shrugged. “Anyway, I know how you’re feeling, but Nate’s done everything he can to help me. I keep telling myself that it’s not his fault he’s got things worked out.” He managed a ghost of a smile. “Guy can’t help being a genius.”
“But it’s not about him. It’s about me, and how I can’t seem to do anything right. If I could only feel good about myself, maybe there’d be room for Mr. Invincible in my life.” She leaned forward. “In fact, that’s why I’m here. I have a question to ask. Nate said he owed his success to you. That you’d inspired him in some way. Do you know what he meant?”
Harrison frowned. He didn’t say anything for a moment and Suzie’s heart sank. Maybe he had no idea what she was talking about. Besides, if Harrison knew some great secret for success, why was he hiding alone in this house?
“I think I know what he was talking about,” said Harrison. “I can tell you, but I’ll have to relate the whole story. You’ve got time to hear it?”
Time was the last thing Suzie had, but she nodded. “Please tell me.”
20
Harrison got up and found a pen on a side table. “If I’m going to tell you the story, I need something in my hands I can pretend is a cigarette.” Pen in hand, he settled back in his chair.
“You smoke?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Full of bad habits, but I try not to light up in the house.” He flicked the pen over his knuckle and caught it in his palm. “So, you already know we went to live with dear old Dad. He has a huge house in Florida with a yacht parked right outside. Plenty of money, but when it comes to compassion or generosity, he’s one of the poorest people I know.”
“Is that how Nate knows so much about boats?”
“He loves sailing. I’ve never been as fond of it.” Harrison turned the pen over and over in one hand. “Anyway, I had one more year of school to complete and in my English class, I sat behind a girl called Nancy.”
Suzie smiled at the faraway look in his eyes. “You had a crush on her?”
He grinned back. “You should have seen her. She looked deceptively sweet, like Rapunzel, with a thick braid hanging to her waist. But she cursed like a sailor. Every second word was a rude one. She used to sneak out of school to smoke cigarettes, and sometimes she’d draw dirty pictures on her arms in marker, and let her sleeves ride up just enough for one of our teachers to get a glimpse.”
“She sounds like someone I’d like. Did she have a crush on you too?”
“Not even close.” He laughed. “You remember I had all those piercings back then? I thought for sure I’d be her type, but she was dating this Neanderthal called BJ. I think it stood for Blustering Jackass. His mouth was bigger than his brain.”
He’d just described every guy Suzie had ever dated. “So what did you do?” she asked.
“Nancy worked in a burger joint after school. The place closed at ten, then she’d walk home. She didn’t live far from the place, only a few blocks. Took
her around ten minutes. But it was dark by then, and I hated the thought of her walking on her own. You never know who’s around, do you? So I started turning up there each night to walk home with her.”
“That was a nice thing to do.”
“Yeah? BJ didn’t think so. And he wasn’t shy in telling me to back off.” Harrison clenched the fist that wasn’t holding the pen and gave her a meaningful look.
“He beat you up?”
“More than once. But at least he started turning up to walk her home himself, so there was that.”
It sounded like Harrison had been more worried about Nancy’s safety than his own. Could he be any sweeter?
“So what happened?” she asked.
The pen stilled in his hand and he studied it with a little frown, as though trying to work out why. “Thing is, when I fell for someone, I fell hard. I threw my heart over the cliff without looking, then jumped after it.”
She couldn’t help but smile at the image he’d painted, but something tightened inside her chest. Nate’s heart seemed closely guarded, and she couldn’t imagine him throwing it off any cliffs.
“I kept turning up each night to make sure BJ was there to walk her home,” he said. “And he kept adding pretty new specimens to my bruise collection.”
“Did Nancy appreciate what you were doing, at least?”
His mouth twisted ruefully. “The opposite. She thought I was stalking her. Threatened to call the police if I didn’t leave her alone.”
“And you still kept turning up, even though she told you not to?”
“Yeah, well. It sounds crazy. But BJ never walked her until I started going there. If I stopped, he’d probably stop too. And what if neither of us showed, and something bad happened to her?”
Suzie frowned, wondering how she’d react if a man did something like that. “What happened?”
“A few months later, she split with BJ.”
“Ah. So there was a happy ending. She realized you were a knight in shining armor who only had her best interests at heart?”