The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  Wargs have a language of sorts, and they can speak Goblin—at least enough to communicate on a rudimentary level. Learning a bit of Warg and Goblin might come in handy; it will give you the advantage of anticipating your enemies’ attacks and plans.

  Goblins and Orcs

  Goblins, hobgoblins, and orcs are all more or less the same types of creature. They were created from elves by the Enemy in the early days of Middle-earth. Today they’re built on an assembly-line principle, hatched out of some mysterious magical process, with other orcs present to attach the fins and fog lights at the last minute. During the War of the Ring, the fallen wizard Saruman came up with a method of building orcs who could withstand the rays of the sun, even at noon (though they still didn’t like the Evil Orb of Day very much). Apart from these sun-resistant models, orcs and goblins generally don’t like daylight; it makes them weak and dizzy and gives them headaches.

  Goblins

  Goblins inhabit mountains, where they live in caves. They emerge to raid passing parties of travelers. They’re armed mostly with swords (usually with crooked blades) and spears. They eat ponies, as well as the passing dwarf, minced, sautéed, and in a sauce. (They’re unacquainted with cooking hobbit, but only because of a lack of opportunity; they’d love to try it.)

  Goblins are generally stupid and highly dependent on authority. When Gandalf manages to kill the Great Goblin, the rest of the entourage goes to pieces, allowing the dwarves, hobbit, and wizard to escape into the tunnels beneath the Misty Mountains. However, goblins have a highly developed sense of direction, especially in their own dwellings, and they can move silently—more silently, at any rate, than dwarves.

  If you’re attacked by goblins, your best bet is to kill whoever is in authority and get away in the ensuing confusion. If you sense you’re being followed, you probably are, in which case you may as well stand and fight. Goblins are the red shirts of the adventuring world: They’re easily disposed of, but it doesn’t matter how many you kill; there are always more of them.

  Bolg the Goblin

  Bolg was the leader of the goblin armies during the Battle of Five Armies. He and his family had a long history of conflict with the dwarves. Bolg’s father, Azog, conquered Moria and killed Thror, Thorin Oakenshield’s grandfather. To take revenge, Thráin, Thror’s son, attacked Moria in alliance with other dwarf tribes. One of the leaders of these tribes, Náin of the Iron Hills, challenged Azog to single combat before the gates of Moria. Azog and he fought, until finally Azog kicked Náin’s legs from under him and with a single great stroke broke the dwarf’s neck. In anger, Náin’s son, Dáin, leaped up the steps and caught Azog. Right before the gates of Moria, he hewed off the goblin’s head, thus avenging his father. To avenge this death (goblins, like dwarves, are big on vengeance), Bolg launched the attack on the Lonely Mountain that led to the Battle of Five Armies. But the plan backfired when Beorn appeared during the battle and fought his way through the bodyguard of Bolg, pulled down the goblin, and crushed him to death.

  Hobgoblins

  Hobgoblins are like goblins, only they come in the large economy size. They’re found especially in the north in the Grey Mountains, but you can encounter them in other mountain ranges as well. Most of them were killed or scattered in the Battle of Five Armies, but since then they’ve had a chance to re-create themselves. (Incidentally, part of the proof that goblins and their ilk are created rather than bred is that we never hear about female goblins or orcs, or little orcklings, for that matter.)

  The same general principles for fighting goblins apply to their larger cousins, hobgoblins. Disrupt the chain of command and you have a good chance of victory. Hobgoblins are harder to kill because of their size; the bodyguard of Bolg was made up of such creatures (see above). To defeat hobgoblins, it helps to have allies of similar stature—for instance a giant were-bear.

  Orcs

  Orcs are the shock troops of the Dark Tower, and Mordor is filled with them. Sauron doesn’t care about them; they’re completely expendable, and there’s no sign that he’s especially upset or discouraged by their deaths at the Battle of Helms Deep or the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. Because they’re corrupt, they’re entirely bad; there’s no such thing as a redeemable orc or an orc with a conscience.

  Orcs come in several varieties:

  LARGE ORCS WITH SHUFFLING GATE AND LONG ARMS, HANGING ALMOST TO THEIR SIDES. They have tusks as well as teeth, which they can use to rip and tear at their foes. They wear varying degrees of armor, depending on the company to which they belong—usually breastplates, shin guards, and helmets. These larger orcs are the commanders, and they keep their positions by killing anyone or anything that gets in their way. The result is that leadership in a company of orcs is a fluid, shifting business, with the top orcs constantly getting killed off by those striving for promotion.

  Orcs of all types travel in packs—it’s rare to meet an isolated orc. The leaders maintain strict discipline with the liberal use of whips or, occasionally, by lopping off a few heads by way of example. There is competition between the companies of orcs to see who can be strongest, meanest, and most fanatical in their devotion to the Dark Lord; so when two companies meet, look for fights to break out.

  MEDIUM ORCS. These are the most common breed, used for everything from assaulting a fortress to guarding a prisoner. They’re bulky, stupid, and generally obedient, at least up to the point that they’re supplied with food and drink. Starve an orc and create a rebellion, as orc commanders are wont to say. (Needless to say, orcs are never so much at one another’s throats that they won’t drop all their quarrels in the face of a common enemy, such as an elf, a dwarf, a man, or a halfling. It’s a very bad idea to bank too much on divisions within orc forces. They’re temporary and don’t mean much in the long run.) In addition to foot soldiers, these orcs are also used in construction projects, such as building and maintaining the road between the Dark Tower and Mount Doom—or, for that matter, building the Dark Tower itself.

  SMALLER ORCS, USED AS TRACKERS. These have broad noses with wide nostrils, helpful in sniffing out scents. They’re held in contempt by larger orcs, but they’re still useful and thus immune to an extent from the normal process of self-elimination that distinguishes others of this race.

  Uruk-hai

  These are the orcs made by Saruman, possibly by blending humans and orcs. They’re bigger and stronger than most other orcs and, most important, they can function even in full sunlight (though they prefer the dark). They’re also extremely good at endurance races; if the orcs held a marathon, these guys would win it hands down. As far as food and drink go, they eat dried meat and drink water—but they’re not especially particular about where the meat comes from. Humans, dwarves, elves, and hobbits are all possible sources of food.

  Orcs in Battle

  Orcs have no real sense of tactics or strategy; their preferred method of fighting is the straight-on attack, relying on superiority of numbers. Their weak wills allow them to be easily controlled by the Dark Lord and his minions.

  When they’re wounded, they either lie patiently, waiting for someone to kill them, or, if the wound isn’t serious, they can cure it. This they do with a foul-smelling unguent, smeared directly on the wound. It hurts a good deal, but it heals quickly, albeit with scars. Scars, however, don’t matter to orcs; they rather covet them.

  Evading Orcs

  Orcs have a keen sense of smell, but their hearing isn’t all that good, so your best method of hiding from them is to find a stream of water, walk down it for a ways to throw them off the scent, then climb a tree and stay very, very quiet.

  Fighting Orcs

  In battle, orcs are all about wild slashing, relying on numbers rather than skill at arms. Peppering them with arrows from a distance is safest, but a reasonably good swordsman can take down an orc. Even hobbits don’t have a lot of trouble with this kind of combat, since most orcs (except for Uruk-hai) tend toward the short side.

  Trolls

 
Several different kinds of trolls wander about the Wild (or under it), and the wary adventurer should know what to do with each in case of confrontation. The main difficulty with trolls lies in their strength and size, both of which are immense. Fortunately, all of that bone and muscle leaves astonishingly little room for brains, which is where you may emerge victorious from a conflict with one or more trolls.

  Stone Trolls

  Stone trolls are generally found in the mountains, but unlike their cousins, the cave trolls (see next page), stone trolls live outside rather than underground. However, because the sun will turn them to stone, they require a cave or hole to which they can retreat during the day, emerging only after sundown.

  Stone trolls are generally about twelve to fifteen feet tall and strong in proportion. They eat whatever’s available, including humans, animals, dwarves, and elves (and orc, when they can get it, although discerning trolls argue that orc meat is too tough for a satisfying dinner). They arm themselves with clubs, but other equipment can include knives, forks, iron pots (for boiling food), and whatever they can plunder from their victims.

  Stone trolls steal gold and silver, though it’s doubtful that they get much good from it, since they don’t engage in trade or barter with anyone or anything.

  Encountering a Stone Troll

  Stone trolls may be strong but they’re remarkably stupid, even for trolls. You can keep them occupied with clever word play, imitations, or conversation that goes just above their level of understanding—which is to say, barely on the edge of sentience. Keep this up long enough and the sun will peep over the horizon, turning them to stone.

  Alternatively, sneak up behind them and stab them with a knife or sword; something with a strong blade is advised, since troll skin is notoriously thick.

  Troll Purses

  Troll purses, as Bilbo learns to his cost, are mischievous and talkative. The best thing to do is stay well away from them. Resist any temptation to pick trolls’ pockets, easy as such a task may seem. It’s likely to cause more trouble than it’s worth.

  Cave Trolls

  Cave trolls are less talkative and less mobile than stone trolls, living as they do in caves and mines. They often serve as the muscle for bands of goblins or orcs and are usually the first sent into situations that the latter consider dangerous; a troll, after all, can take a great deal of damage before falling.

  The skin of cave trolls is even stronger than that of stone trolls, since they have to walk or crawl through the rough-hewn tunnels made by goblins. They can see a long way in the dark, characteristic of any creature of the underground realms, and they’re peculiarly adept at squeezing into surprisingly small spaces in search of food. They eat anything that comes to hand, including grubs, bats, rats, adventurers, and goblins when they can get away with it.

  Encountering a Cave Troll

  Cave trolls are best attacked by a strong party of intrepid adventurers, heavily armed with swords, knives, axes, and a smattering of magic. The best course may be for the party’s wizard to collapse the roof of a tunnel on the troll, being careful not to bring down the rest of the cave on the heads of his own party. Failing that, stab the troll in whatever vulnerable parts are exposed to view. When shooting arrows, aim for the eyes or neck. Cave trolls are afraid of fire and are blinded by its light, so if the party has torches, it will prove a valuable advantage.

  Stone Giants

  Stone giants are distant cousins of trolls—larger, even stupider, and somewhat rarer. They live in the upper reaches of mountain ranges and usually come out only during storms, when they like to hurl boulders at one another for amusement. They don’t particularly hate travelers, but they’re inclined to regard travelers as objects for target practice more than anything else. For this reason, they’re best avoided. It’s possible to come across a giant with more communication skills than usual. Such individuals can become useful allies.

  Stone giants stand twenty or thirty feet tall—they have been recorded as high as forty feet—and broad in proportion. They live in shallow caves on the mountainside, and their skin so strongly resembles rock that parties of dwarves have been known to start excavating on them before realizing their mistake.

  Balrogs

  Balrogs are about the biggest, nastiest, most evil creatures to be found in Middle-earth, even worse than dragons. The reason for this is that they’re fallen or corrupted maiar—the angelic spirits first created by the Valar. (Gandalf is a maiar, for example). Although much more numerous in the past (in old chronicles, there are references to armies of balrogs fighting on behalf of Morgoth), there are still a few of these terrible creatures, mostly found in isolated places in the world. They’ve largely gone to ground, but every now and then some idiotic adventurer stirs one up, usually with bad results for everyone, starting with the adventurer.

  Balrogs are between twelve and twenty feet tall, dark, and winged, although it’s not clear that the wings are much use to them, particularly since most of them live underground. No one has ever seen a flying balrog. They have manes of long hair and tend to catch fire easily, though since balrogs are a type of flame elemental, the fire doesn’t harm them and is used by them as an offensive weapon. If, by some chance, their fire is extinguished, they become slimy, though they still retain their immense strength. Their weapons include swords and multi-stranded whips, also flaming.

  Staying Away From Balrogs

  Most balrogs have been destroyed or banished to the dark places of the world. If you want to avoid them, therefore, the best thing is to stay out of those dark places. The further down in a cavern complex you explore, the greater the chance of meeting one of these dreadful spirits. Some warning signs that you’re getting close to balrog territory:

  The burned-out skeletons of adventurers sprawled in heaps on the ground

  Stones melted from immense heat

  Groups of orcs kneeling in worship before an unseen deity

  A broken bridge over a huge chasm, leading down into darkness (Note: You can find one of these in the Mines of Moria.)

  Getting Away From Balrogs

  If you have the bad luck to encounter a balrog, your best hope is to run. And run fast. In one-on-one combat you can’t hope to defeat it; even a skilled wizard has only a fifty-fifty chance of victory. Different races may use different tactics in such circumstances:

  MEN. Run away. Even if you have a famous sword, run away. The balrog doesn’t care about your famous sword. Its sword is made of molten metal and can cut through your armor like butter. This is no time to be a hero. Just leave.

  ELVES. You say you want to shoot arrows at it. Sure. Go ahead. See all the good that’s likely to do you. A balrog could look like a pincushion of arrows and it wouldn’t even slow down. Don’t waste your time with your bow; just run.

  DWARVES. You guys are the ones that stirred up the balrog in Moria, so you should know better than to stick around when it’s chasing you. Get those short legs moving.

  HOBBITS. Are you kidding me? You guys wouldn’t even be an appetizer for this creature. Run. Or better, have someone with more speed carry you.

  WIZARDS. Only the most powerful magic will work here, so if you aren’t feeling up to par, join the rest of your companions in running away. If you’re able to unleash a spell, do so with the appropriate flourishes. Balrogs are often intimidated by flashy magical effects. Giant sheets of flame or burning missiles are always good.

  Dragons

  Dragons were more numerous once than they are today, but even so it’s not unheard of to run into one now and again. They’re attracted by large hoards of treasure, as well as a sizeable food supply of villagers or countryfolk. Some dragons became legendary, while others faded into obscurity and may still be hidden in caves on some distant mountainside, waiting for the right moment to emerge.

  Dragons are highly intelligent creatures with remarkable powers of conversation. They have the ability to charm their interlocutor into revealing himself or at least revealing more inform
ation than he intended about himself and his companions. Smaug is typical of the breed—he speaks Common far more capably than any of the other creatures Bilbo meets on his travels, and he has something of a sense of humor.

  On the other hand, dragons’ intelligence can be a weakness. They can’t resist riddling talk; they are fascinated by it and are willing to spend hours guessing at a riddle’s meaning. They can overthink situations, and sometimes their intelligence makes them overconfident. A clever move on your part can send them off on the wrong scent entirely. Still, unless you’re a wizard or have a good deal of experience dealing with dragons (and that’s true of very few people), your best bet is to keep your chats with live dragons short, sweet, and to the point.

  Dragons live an extremely long time—generally four or five hundred years, depending on food supply and whether anyone shoots magical arrows at them. This being the case, they have long memories and a taste for revenge, not only against the person who injured them but against his descendants and his descendants’ descendants. On the whole, therefore, it’s bad practice to make an enemy of a dragon. But sometimes it just can’t be avoided.

  Types of Dragons

  Varying types of dragons exist, and each type requires a different combat strategy and differing times for a head start in running away. It should be noted, though, that all dragons have in common their love of precious things and their remarkable ability to keep an exact accounting of all items in their hoard and their current market value. This is not to mention the fact that dragon hoards are vast beyond imagination, each containing hundreds, if not thousands, of items stolen over the years from hapless kings and emperors. Thus, burgling a dragon’s treasure has got to be one of the stupidest enterprises ever conceived by the mind of a dwarf—in this case, Thorin Oakenshield.