The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook

by Peter Archer

  Fire Dragons

  These are the most common wyrms. Their size ranges from 150 feet to 300 feet, snout to tail. Their often-immense size makes them intimidating, but it also makes it somewhat difficult for them to hide themselves, and sooner or later some busybody of a hero is likely to come bounding into their lair, waving a big magic sword and declaring his intention of cooking up a dragon stew for the local villagers. Fortunately—from the dragon’s point of view—such threats are easily, if messily, disposed of.

  Fire dragons are so called because they breathe fire, which can roast a fleeing hobbit from twenty-five feet away. The fire is accompanied by noxious sulfur-laden fumes, nearly as deadly as the flames themselves. Fire dragons carry themselves on vast batlike wings and can sail silently through the air to attack their prey. Their rear legs are short and stumpy, their forearms are slender, and their claws are long, sharp, and deadly when they slash. Mostly fire dragons use their claws to snatch up adventurers and tear them to pieces. However, the claws are also helpful in fine-motor manipulation of the items of the hoard.

  Battling a Fire Dragon

  Fire dragons traditionally sleep on top of their hoards, coating their stomachs with bits and pieces of their treasure. The observant warrior may notice a hole or two in the dragon’s belly, through which he can direct an arrow. Of course one arrow isn’t going to bring down a beast such as this unless it’s imbued with magical powers. Your best bet is to let a wizard construct such an arrow and be very careful about when and where you shoot it. And whatever you do, don’t miss. Dragons don’t like being shot at; who would? And they’re apt to take steps to prevent that sort of thing happening more than once.

  Ice Dragons

  As the name implies, these dragons live in remote arctic regions, where they prey on bear, bird, seal, and sometimes venture into civilized regions to pick up a snack of villagers or dwarves on their way to a distant mine. They carve their caves into the sides of mountains or icebergs where they store their treasure, letting it freeze into a mass that’s practically impossible to move, let alone steal.

  Generally, ice dragons have white or blue scales and long, slender wings. They are smaller than fire drakes, stretching about seventy-five feet at most. Their smaller size makes them faster and deadlier in attack. They can disguise themselves by clinging to the sides of icebergs until they drift near a ship or an isolated town.

  Ice dragons’ breath is cold and can freeze water at up to fifty paces. One method of attack is to freeze ships within a mass of ice floes and then attack the helpless mariners.

  Battling an Ice Dragon

  If you must, the best way to fight an ice dragon is with fire. Ice dragons don’t like anything warm, since it tends to conflict with their natural habitat. If, therefore, you’re attacked by an ice dragon, step one is to kindle as large a bonfire as you can put together on short notice. Range yourself around it, backs to the fire, and wait for the attack. Beware the tendency of ice dragons to breath on the fire itself, putting it out and freezing the fuel. If that happens, there’s very little more you can do except run. Arrows and swords are little use against the icy scales of this wyrm, and iron is apt to shatter if it’s suddenly frozen. Mithril mail, if you have any, is the best protection against attack.

  Sea Dragons

  Sea dragons are what give rise to the legend of sea serpents, and it’s not hard to see why. As the name implies, they live in water, although, being reptiles, they must surface regularly to breathe. They are long and slender, with flippers rather than wings, which they use to propel themselves through the sea at enormous speeds. Their favorite prey is ships, which they enjoy playing with, striking them from underneath to knock passengers on deck into the water. These can then be gobbled at leisure. The ship will gradually be broken by repeated blows, its crew eaten, and its treasure collected.

  Sea dragons have been seen up to 150 feet in length, but it’s difficult to estimate their true size, since so much of them is underwater. That and the fact that not many survive encounters with these beasts. The breath of a sea dragon has no special offensive power, although it usually smells unpleasantly like fish and seaweed.

  Sea dragons make their lairs on isolated islands with good access to shipping lanes. They will eat fish if humans, elves, and dwarves aren’t available (they don’t eat hobbit, mainly because it’s almost impossible to coax a hobbit on board a ship).

  Battling a Sea Dragon

  The best defense against a sea dragon is a swift boat, and even that’s not much help. Sea dragons are notoriously fast swimmers and can overtake any sailing vessel. The one opportunity to counter the attack of a sea dragon may occur if the dragon surfaces and confronts the ship directly, sticking its long, serpentlike neck over the side to snatch at anyone on board. In this case, a well-placed blow with a stout sword can injure and even possibly behead the dragon. Note: Strike to kill. If you only wound a sea dragon (or any other kind of dragon, for that matter), you’ve annoyed it to the point that it’ll make sure nothing is left of you but a grease spot on a shattered deck plank.

  Magical Creatures

  Up to this point we’ve been discussing creatures of (more or less) flesh and blood. However, with wights and Ringwraiths we encounter creatures that are even harder to defend against because they’re already dead. Or, at least, mostly dead.

  Wights

  A wight is an undead spirit, usually of someone or something evil. Wights inhabit barrows on the rolling downs just east of the Shire, but they can be found in many other parts of Middle-earth. Wights seek to trap and destroy the souls of living folk, taking them prisoner and binding them with spells.

  Wights, as you may gather from this, are magical creatures. They can control fog and other weather-related events in some areas, using them to confuse and trap unwary travelers. They are familiar with binding magic, and many of the objects that were associated with them in life are hoarded by them in death.

  Avoiding Wights

  When a helpful guide tells you to stay away from a particular area because it’s inhabited by wights, do yourself a favor and take his advice. However, if you must wander the haunted barrows, keep a careful eye out for signs of fog or unnatural darkness. In the event of such phenomena, get away from the barrows as quickly as possible and seek sunlight. Like most creatures of darkness, wights dislike sunlight and won’t follow you there.

  In the Clutches of a Wight

  When you’re trapped in a wight’s tomb, do not panic. I mean, you may think that your life is going to come to a swift and nasty end, but panicking isn’t going to help matters. The main thing is to keep your head and remember the following:

  CALL FOR HELP. This is a really, really good time to remember any spells, rhymes, or poems that are going to produce mag-ical help. The wight is a creature that’s probably beyond your abilities, so don’t try to fight it on your own. This is not time for egotism.

  WIGHTS DON’T LIKE THE SUNLIGHT. If possible, smash a door or break a window or do something to get natural light into the tomb. Wights vanish in the sunlight, or so we’ve been told.

  WIGHTS TEND TO ACCUMULATE MAGICAL WEAPONS WITHOUT MUCH ATTENTION TO WHOM THEY GET THEM FROM OR WHAT THEIR HISTORIES ARE. So if you find a sword in a wight’s tomb, feel free to use it. Chances are, it’s going to be useful.

  DON’T ABANDON YOUR FRIENDS. That’s not going to help you, especially when it comes to karma. Instead it’s best to rally round your friends and defend them against threats. You may die doing this, but the fates will look favorably upon you.

  WHEN FREED FROM A WIGHT’S TOMB, RUN AWAY. And stay away.

  Ringwraiths

  These are about the nastiest creatures you’re likely to ever encounter, even surpassing dragons. There are only nine of them, but they’re just about impossible to kill, and they have magical powers that surpass just about everything you can find on Middle-earth, including most wizards. Therefore, the best advice regarding them is to get away fast.

  So
me general advice about them includes:

  WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T PUT ON MAGICAL RINGS. Are you crazy? That’s about the worst thing you can do, since it sucks you into their world and makes you more vulnerable to attack. You’d have to be nuts to do that. Wait! What are you doing? Stop it!!

  RINGWRAITHS ARE CREATURES OF THE DARK LORD, AND THEIR STRENGTH WAXES AND WANES WITH HIS. You might think that the lesson here is to attack the Dark Lord if you want to weaken Ringwraiths, but that’s not really it. The Dark Lord is beyond just about anyone’s strength, and in truth, the best thing you can do to deal with Ringwraiths is stay away from them. And don’t, if possible, take possession of any magical rings.

  RINGWRAITHS ARE MOSTLY NOT PART OF THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE, SO NORMAL ATTACKS ON THEM DON’T WORK. For example, if you hit a Ringwraith with a sword, it’ll hurt you a lot more than it’ll hurt the wraith. Still, you can do some damage to a wraith with a sword; just don’t expect to have a chance for a follow-up attack.

  GO FOR THEIR HORSES. The horses that Ringwraiths ride are real, and thus they are vulnerable. A well-shot arrow will take down a Black Rider, as long as it’s aimed at his horse. Other attacks on wraith horses can be made with swords, daggers, or magically induced floods.

  Ringwraith Steeds

  Unhorsed during the flood at the Bruinen of Rivendell, the Ringwraiths were remounted on flying steeds, a sort of cross between dragons and eagles. The beasts were able to attack, to fly swiftly, to defend themselves against arrows and stones, and were fed on “foul meats,” which generally means carrion. The riders, thus mounted, were renamed the Nazgul. If attacked by a Nazgul, there’s little you can do other than to seek shelter in the swiftest way. Nazgul can be killed, but probably not by you. It’s best to leave this to other heroes, preferably to women, disguised as men, who are going to confuse the hell out of the Nazgul and confound the terms of prophecies. So stick with that.

  Nonmagical Animals

  Animals can be put to the service of the Dark Lord, and he controls many of them. Some, such as crows, he uses as spies, sending them in flights to sweep back and forth across the approaches to his land. Others, such as wolves, are useful for attacking strangers or any adventurers who come too close. Finally there are battle beasts, such as oliphaunts, who can be used as tanks during an army’s onslaught.

  Fighting an oliphaunt isn’t easy, since in the words of the rhyme it’s as “big as a house.” Massed arrow fire won’t do much good unless the arrows are directed at the oliphaunt’s eyes. This will madden the beast, and it can be worn down, pulled to earth, and dispatched with axes.

  Oliphaunt tusks make lovely wedding gifts.

  The Dark Lord

  If you encounter Sauron himself, you’ve bumped square up against one of the Powers of Middle-earth, and you should stay away—far away. Of course, you won’t have any choice. In the time it would take for you to read this, you’ll be smack in the middle of the Dark Tower, and anything you want will be irrelevant. The only hope you have is to go mad before torture drags out your darkest secrets.

  If—if—you happen to have a magic ring, and if you happen to drop it in the Cracks of Doom in Mount Doom, Orodruin, the Fire Mountain, you’ve got a chance. Otherwise, this is probably a good time to say good-bye.

  Survival in the Wild

  There are no safe paths in this part of the world. Remember you are over the Edge of the Wild now,

  and in for all sorts of fun wherever you go.”

  —Gandalf in JRR Tolkien’s The Hobbit

  If, like Bilbo, you’re a sheltered, refined, easygoing hobbit (or, at any rate, are someone who’s never ventured much farther than your front gate), you’ll be completely unprepared when fate thrusts you into an Unexpected Journey. After years of sleeping comfortably in a bed, having four or five square meals a day—plus tea, “afters,” and late-night snacks—and strolling down to the Green Dragon to knock back a few pints and smoke a pipe of Longbottom Leaf, suddenly you’re sleeping on the hard ground, dining on fruits, nuts, and possibly chunks of venison that have been roasted over an open fire, and you can’t remember the last time you had a drink, a smoke, or an uninterrupted night’s sleep. In your old comfortable, contented life, the most exciting thing that ever happened was the miller getting caught mixing whole bran in the white bread. In your new, adventurous life, you’re coming face-to-face with wolves, orcs, goblins, dragons, spiders, and often much worse. You didn’t know that there was anything worse.

  Just in case you find yourself in such a situation, here are some tips, drawn from Bilbo and Frodo’s experiences. If your adventures take you farther afield and into stranger places than they ventured, well, you’re on your own.

  Food

  Let’s start with the basics. If you find yourself adrift in the Wild—and for most of us, that means someplace we can’t plug in a hair drier—you need to consider the essentials: food and shelter. Food’s the most immediate. You can’t go more than forty-eight hours without nutritional relief. But don’t imagine for a minute you’re going to be able to sit down in a tavern and order a steak-and-kidney pie (or whatever dish you like). This is the Wild. There are no steak-and-kidney pies to be had. For that matter, there aren’t very many inns—at least not ones you’d care to enter without a drawn sword.

  Packing Food

  Packing food for a long journey is difficult, of course, because there’s no refrigeration where you’re going. At best, if you camp next to a stream, you can put some of the food in it to keep it cold (but then you risk it getting waterlogged). For this reason, the experienced adventurer prefers meat in the form of jerky, which can be prepared over the kitchen fire on those long, cold winter evenings. In addition, bring along plenty of nuts (a valuable source of protein), cheese (if it’s preserved in its rind), bread (good only until it molds), and fruit.

  Scavenging for Sustenance in the Wilderness

  It certainly helps to be able to recognize basic foodstuffs. These include (but aren’t limited to) the following:

  Herbs

  Wild onions

  Strawberries (or any sort of fruit)

  Mushrooms (Caution: Some mushrooms are poisonous. If you don’t know Basic Mushroom Recognition, play it safe and stay away. Getting some food in your belly isn’t going to do you much good if it makes you sick as a dog for three days.)

  Rabbit

  Pheasant (Unless you’re good with a bow and arrow, you’re probably not going to catch one of these, but keep in mind that it’s an option.)

  Fish (These can be caught by hand, although it helps if you’re bone-thin with slimy, gray skin, lank hair, two or three teeth, and have been living under the mountains for several centuries.)

  Foods to be Avoided

  Not everything you find in the Wild is good to eat. The particularly hungry adventurer may find himself tempted to try just about anything to sate a raging hunger. Resist this impulse. Among the things to avoid:

  Poisonous mushrooms (see previous page)

  Black squirrels

  Wild boar (unless you’re trained in hunting boar and have a boar spear; the exception to this rule is if you’re a dwarf—or in the company of one—who’s adept with an axe and can hew the head off a charging boar without bothering to blow his own beard hairs out of his mouth)

  Wolf

  Rabid wolf

  What to Do With Food, Once You’ve Got It

  Some foods can be eaten raw (e.g., fruit, mushrooms). Other foods are best either eaten with something else (e.g., herbs, mushrooms) or must be cooked (e.g., venison, rabbit, fish). To cook foods with best results:

  Use dry wood rather than green. Green wood will smoke, giving away your position to any unfriendly eyes that may be looking for you.

  Have some water handy to put out the fire quickly if need be. You never know what danger may come upon you suddenly.

  Surround the fire with stones, if possible, to prevent it from spreading. Another alternative is to dig a shallow pit and build the
fire in that.

  Keep the fire small. No reason to create a massive blaze just to cook a couple of rabbits.

  Use two forked sticks, one on either side of the fire, and a long, pointed stick laid across them to create a basic spit. With this mechanism, you can roast rabbit, goose, or just about any other small game, turning the stick to keep the meat from burning.

  Alternatively, if by some chance you have a pan, cut up the meat, add water (or, if possible, a little grease), and sauté the meat until partially cooked through. Add water, salt (if you have it), and herbs to make a savory stew.

  If neither of these alternatives appeals and members of your adventuring party want to have a more do-it-yourself approach to cooking, sharpen some long sticks and invite them to barbecue their own piece of meat to taste. For extra flavor, they can stick a mushroom on either side of the meat, or possibly (if the meat is sweet, such as pork from a wild boar), a piece of fruit such as an apple.