by Trio, L. M.
After dinner, I head up to my room and close the door. I feel the need to be alone for a few minutes. I guess it’s something I’ve gotten used to the last couple of years. I lay across my bed. I forgot just how comfortable a bed could be. My eyes scan the room as I notice that everything is the same as when I left it. My articles still cover the walls, along with a couple of leftover drawings and paintings that JJ made me. Most of her work is kept at my condo in Florida. I spot a picture of us pinned to my bulletin board. We look happy; it was her graduation day. I close my eyes, trying to take it all in. My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door.
***
(Mikey)
“Come in.” Luke calls from the other side of the room.
“Hey, how ya doin’?” I ask.
“It’s crazy, ya know? I can’t believe I’m home. It sucks, man. I don’t want to go back.”
“I know, it’ll be over soon… for good. Then you can get back to livin’ the life you planned before all of this.” I say, trying to reassure him.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can ever get there… I’m different, ya know?”
“You’re not different. You just feel different because you’ve been in that shithole for so long. You just need some time to adjust.”
“Ya think?”
“Yeah, I do. Let’s go back downstairs, your mom and dad would like to spend time with you.”
“I know. I’m tryin’ not to be an asshole. I don’t want to put them through any more than I already have. I’m feelin’ overwhelmed, ya know?”
“Don’t worry about it, they get it. They’re not goin’ to push.”
We head downstairs and watch TV in the family room with his mom and dad. I’m trying my best to find the right words so that he doesn’t feel so bad. I know it wasn’t easy for him the last couple of years, but he’s got to believe that he can turn this around. Just as he’s about to get somewhat comfortable, he glances at the clock and realizes he’s once again faced with reality. I offer to drive him back to the halfway house in order to make his five o’clock curfew.
“Whose car?” He asks nonchalantly, nodding his head in the direction of JJ’s house.
“I think it’s David’s,” I respond, glancing in his direction. He stares straight ahead. I take that as a hint that he doesn’t want me to make more out of it but, I ask anyway, in case there’s more that he wants to know.
“Is that it?” I ask.
“Is that what?” He replies playing dumb.
“Is there anything else you want to know?”
“No, I’m good. How long are you here for?” He asks, quickly changing the subject.
“I’m flyin’ back tomorrow night, I got a six forty-five flight. I’m on a two day break, but I’ll come back as soon as I can.” I answer, letting him drop the subject. I’m hoping he’ll talk when he’s ready.
“You don’t have to keep runnin’ back and forth, it’s too much. You need to focus on what you’re doin’. Man, you must have dropped a boat load of money on me the last couple of years, flyin’ back and forth.”
“You’re right, I did and I expect you to repay me. So, I need to keep checkin’ on my investment, making sure he’s workin’ hard to pay me back.” We both laugh. “Seriously though, how about tomorrow when you’re done working, we throw some balls around?” I ask.
“Nah, man. I don’t think so. I probably don’t even remember how to throw a ball.”
“I’m sure it’ll come back to you,” I reply sarcastically, rolling my eyes at his negativity.
‘No, not yet. I’m not sure if I still want to.”
“Like I said earlier, you just need to adjust.”
“We’ll see,” he answers flatly, hinting that the subject is closed as he exits the car.
***
(Luke)
I check in and retreat to my dreary room on the second floor. It’s disheartening to have to return to this crummy place after spending time in the comforts of my own home and breathing in the fresh air all day. The metal springs from the old mattress claw at my back as I lie staring up at the ceiling, trying to remind myself that this is almost over.
“Well, it’s a lot less crappy than where I spent the last twenty months, but it’s still crappy none the less,” I mumble to myself as I close my eyes.
In the days following, I look forward to waking up each morning and getting picked up for work. Being outside, getting the fresh air, brings me a bit of relief. My family and lawyer are working at getting me on a house-arrest program so that I don’t have to return to the halfway house each evening.
During the hour or two that I do get to spend at home each day, I make sure to spend a good bit of time at the docks. I try gathering my thoughts about what it is that I want and how in the Hell I’ll go about getting there. There’s not a question about who I want, but not like this, it wouldn’t be right. Being away took its toll on me. I’m fucked up and I know it. Mostly I feel unstable, but I’m trying my best to hide it from my family. I don’t want to cause them more problems than I already have. I stare at the blue-green water like I used to, hoping to find answers.
A million thoughts race through my mind. One day I feel as if I’m ready to get back to playing ball and the next, I’m thinking, screw it, why bother. I could care less if I ever play again. On one of those bad days, I run into David on my way back from the docks.
Later that evening, back at my temporary home in AC, I breathe in the stale air of smoke and focus on the crack in the yellow stained ceiling while replaying the conversation with David in my mind. He seemed as if he was happy to see me at first, at least he pretended to be, but then I probably blew it the second I opened my mouth when he asked if I was ready to go back to playing ball. Instead of just playing it off like I was fine, I proceeded to tell him how screwed up I am, and that I didn’t think I’d ever get back to playing. I’ve always had this problem with spilling too much to David. No wonder he never mentions JJ’s name to me, come to think of it, no one does.
I know they had the fundraiser not that long ago. I overheard my mom talking to Deanna about it on the phone. And I’d bet my life, Mikey was there as well. They must all know I’ve lost it, that’s why no one mentions her name around me.
***
As the months pass, I admit to myself that by now I had hoped she would have come to see me, but she doesn’t, which in turn pisses me off. Screw her. I don’t want to see her anyway. She’s probably moved on, either that, or they all know that I’m fuckin’ crazy and they warned her to stay away. It drives me insane thinking about it. Why the hell can I not ask Mikey about her? Then, a staggering thought enters my mind. What if it’s Mikey that she’s with now? They live in Florida. I’m sure he looks after her. After all, he’s been the one that’s been there for her the last couple of years. All this time, I’ve been thinking to myself that just maybe there would be a chance for us again. I’ve never considered the obvious. Maybe he’s been trying to tell me and I’ve been ignoring the signs.
My heart begins to pound so hard that I can see it popping out of my chest. My mind swirls with unwanted thoughts. I’ve never had contact with her since that night. No one mentions her name to me. I can’t believe I never gave any thought that she may have moved on with my best friend. How do I deal with that? I feel as if I’ve been hit by a Mack Truck; my eyes begin to blur as I drift in and out of a stormy night of sleep.
Chapter 5(Luke)
It takes some time, but they finally approve the house-arrest program. No going back to jail, no going back to the crummy halfway house in AC. I finally have the freedom to sleep in my own bed, watch my own TV, shower in my own private bathroom, and head to the kitchen whenever I’m hungry. I should be ecstatic to finally be home, but I’m still feeling agitated most of the time.
Deanna is home for her summer break, I feel the strain on our relationship and can’t bring myself to talk with her like I used to. I know she remains close with JJ. I can’t help feeling
that De blames me for her not being here. She visited JJ last week in Florida. When she returns, I barely take my eyes off the TV long enough to ask her how her trip went, which in turn, she barely gives me an answer, other than to say it was nice. I can feel her eyes staring at me, waiting for more, when I don’t respond, she turns away and leaves. It’s only after she abruptly leaves the room that I lift my head from the TV, wishing I was able to express to her how I feel.
Summer is more than half gone when Mikey finally has a rare three-day break. He calls to say he’s flying to Florida first to take care of a few things and then he’ll fly to Jersey to spend a few days with me. As soon as he mentions stopping by Florida, my ugly thoughts soon return to, what it is, or who it is, that he’s taking care of?
I can feel myself alienating everyone close to me. I don’t want to, yet I’m unsure how to make it stop. I can’t shake the feeling that they’re all in it together, keeping some big secret from me. I keep myself busy by working long hours during the day. In the evening, I spend a couple of hours working out and practicing. I know it makes my dad feel good to spend time in our backyard, hitting balls and letting me pitch to him. It’s the least I can do. I also spend a good amount of time at my old high school field, watching from afar so that no one sees me as Coach Briggs runs the annual summer baseball camp. My adrenaline gets pumping as I watch Coach run the drills with the new players, especially their new pitcher. He’s a lefty like me, and he’s good. I’ve heard about him, but he needs some work. I see Coach glance in my direction. I quickly turn away and head home. The bracelet firmly attached to my ankle reminds me of who I am now.
I anticipate Mikey’s arrival. My feelings are so mixed up. I miss hanging out with him, but at the same time, I feel distant towards him; like I don’t know him at all anymore. It annoys me when I watch him walk in… happy, cheery and optimistic. Especially if JJ is the reason he’s happy, cheery and optimistic. Everyone loves when Mikey comes home. Even my mom gets a look of relief on her face when he walks through the door. Good ole Mikey.
Mikey gives us an update on his promotion to the Triple A Durham Bulls. I sincerely can’t help being happy for him. It’s the one thing I’m honest about. There is no jealously where baseball is concerned. There is nothing I want more than to see him succeed. He’s worked hard for it, he earned it. I respect him for that. No one knows more than me how much time is dedicated to get to where he is.
“Yo, bud, ya want to go hit some balls down at the field?” he asks.
“Yeah sure, give me sec. I got to check in,” I answer, picking up my cell to put the call in that I’m heading out. I have permission to leave my home as long as I stay in a specific radius of the house.
We grab our bags and a bucket of balls just like old times and head down to the field. I practice my pitching, while Mikey catches. Instantly, we get back to our usual rhythm as if no time has passed between us.
“Yo, man, you are throwin’ some heat. You haven’t missed a beat. Your fastballs gotta be clockin’ bout 96-98. Your power breakin’ ball is devastating. You still got all that nasty stuff goin’ on.”
“Thanks, man. It feels good, I guess,” I say with a bit of hesitance. Being on the field with Mikey, practicing like we used to, makes me forget all of my issues. Things just seem to click and it gets my adrenaline kicked up in full gear.
“Let me try hittin’ a few,” he says excitedly, grabbing his bat from the bag.
I pitch while he swings away. “You’re hittin them!” I holler out, watching as one soars across the sky, finally landing somewhere in the football field.
“Yeah, well, that’s ‘cause I know you. I know what you’re gonna throw, and… I’m strugglin’ right now. I’m telling you, man, seriously, there isn’t anyone throwin’ what you’re throwin’ out there. I’ve faced a lot of guys over the last couple years. You’ve got it all over them.”
The compliment makes me smile, the first real smile in a long time. We continue to take turns, hitting, catching, and throwing the ball around; taking and offering advice to each other just like old times. When the sun begins to set, we finally realize how much time has passed.
“Yo, I better get back. I turn into a pumpkin if I’m not home by a certain time,” I tease, hating that we have to end our fun.
“Then we better get goin’,” Mikey agrees as he tosses the loose balls into the bucket.
As we walk the familiar route back to our house, Mikey mentions something about his stopover in Florida, which in turn, sends me back to what’s now becoming my normal crappy self. For some reason, the good times don’t last for long.
“Why did you say you had to stopover in Florida, again?” I question in my Mr. Hyde voice.
Mikey looks at me in a funny way, the tone of my voice catching him off guard. I’m sure he’s wondering what brought on the sudden mood change.
“I hadn’t been home since April and I had to check on a few things,” he says casually, shrugging his shoulders.
“I’ll bet. Check on a few things,” I reply sarcastically with a cynical laugh.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He laughs, shrugging off my sarcasm.
“Check on a few things or check on someone?” I ask, not bothering to hide my sudden aggression towards him.
“Luke, if you want to ask me somethin’, go ahead. What’s on your mind?” He stands in front of me, blocking me from moving forward, forcing me to stop while he stares me in the eyes.
“Are you fuckin’ her?!” I blurt out angrily, glaring back.
“What? Who?” Mikey asks defensively, momentarily looking confused.
“You know who. Don’t fuck with me, be honest!” I shout as we stand at the end of the street. My anger gets the best of me as we stand face-to-face. I know I crossed the line as soon as the words spill from my mouth.
“I’m not even goin’ to answer that. Just because you’ve been living with a bunch of fuckin’ animals the last couple of years, doesn’t give you the right to treat everyone like shit. If you even have to ask me that, then fuck you! Honestly, I’m sick of your bullshit! Everyone’s been walkin’ on eggshells around you since you’ve been home. You’ve got your mom and your sister’s stomachs in knots; they don’t know what the hell to say to you, always afraid to upset you! Stop feelin’ fuckin’ sorry for yourself and get on with your life! You’re fuckin’ twenty-one-years-old. You still have your whole life ahead of you!” he shouts, pointing his finger in my face, bumping my shoulder as he storms past me.
I lean back against the blue Ford pick-up at the end of our street and lower my head. I’m already regretting what I’ve implied. We’ve never argued like that before. I stay awhile longer, embarrassed to face everyone at home. When I finally get the nerve to go inside, my mom is in the kitchen, standing by the door.
“What happened?” she asks nervously.
“Nothing,” I answer, hanging my head low as I head for the steps, taking two at a time. I lay on my bed, feeling like a complete jerk-off as I mull over the last couple of months in my head.
What is wrong with me? He’s right. I’ve barely talked with anyone since I’ve been home. I mean, really talk. It’s all been superficial bullshit. Anytime anyone tries to ask anything of importance, I clam up and head to my room.
After awhile I make my way downstairs, wanting to apologize. “Where’d Mikey go?” I ask my mom sheepishly while she pretends to be immersed in a re-run of CSI on TV.
“He went for a walk with Deanna,” she replies.
***
(Mikey)
As we stroll along the water, there is a slight breeze rolling off the ocean, cooling the air just a bit as Deanna tries to keep up with my brisk strides. The steam coming from my body has nothing to do with the heat.
“Can you believe that shit?” I ask, referring to Luke’s accusation.
“Why would he say that? What is wrong with him?” she asks with her voice full of angst as she keeps a slight jog to keep up with me.
&nb
sp; “He’s fuckin’ nuts! That’s what’s wrong with him. He’s lost it,” I answer, full of hostility.
“God, Mikey, don’t say that,” She chastises, fearing it may be true. “What can we do? I don’t even know what to say to him anymore.”
I hear her voice quiver and I glance down at her beautiful, chestnut, misted eyes. My heart softens when I see her face, and I stop in my tracks to pull her into my arms, holding her tightly. I know it frightens her, thinking we’ll never have the same Luke we know back again. It kills me watching her be this upset. I want to take all of that away from her.
“He’s gonna be fine,” I say, holding her close while rubbing her back. “Maybe it’s a good thing he got that off his chest. At least he showed some type of emotion. It’s better than him walkin’ around acting as if he doesn’t give a shit about anything,” I offer, trying to reassure her.
I wrap her small, soft hand in mine and she holds onto it tightly. We begin to walk again, this time at a more relaxed pace.
“You know what? I think you’re right. What should we do?” she asks diligently after thinking it over for a few minutes.
“Nothing. Let him work through it. We can only just be there for him when he’s ready to talk,” I answer, happy to hear her enthusiasm.
“Are you two going to be alright?” she asks, looking up at me curiously.
“DeDe, c’mon. Do you really think I’d let somethin’ like that come between us? Big deal, he flipped out. It’s about time. He’s usually so damn low-key. I’m over it already.” I give her a wink and a smile.
I can sense her body calming itself down as she interlocks her arm with mine and holds on tightly while we make our way back to the house. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do to make things better for her. I want her to always be able to depend on me. Nothing brings me more pleasure than seeing her smile. It’s been that way for me for as long as I can remember.
Maria is having a cup of coffee when we burst through the kitchen door, laughing hysterically and trying to catch our breath. We’re always competing. I gave her a good head start before we raced the rest of the way home. Just as she is about to reach for the door, thinking she has beat me, I push her aside and take the lead. As much as I love making her smile, I equally love when she pretends to be pissed at me.