To Be Your Girl (To Be Yours Book 1)

by Rae Kennedy

  The door slams shut so violently it shakes the walls and I can feel it reverberate through the floor.

  I leave the camera under the tree and go right to bed. I’m so sick of this crying-myself-to-sleep bullshit.

  My eyes are sore when they open in the darkness. It’s 2:37. Then I hear what woke me up. An unmistakable female giggle in the hall. A rustle of clothing. Then they shut the door loudly to Cade’s room.

  CHAPTER 25

  I didn’t know it would hurt so badly. I feel like Cade has ripped all the organs out from my body one by one. I don’t want to hear them. I press my face so hard into my pillow I can barely breathe.

  It’s 2:54. They are still in his room. Normally, I would be hearing the headboard hit the wall by now. But nothing. Then one loud hit bangs against the wall. I hold still, preparing for what will come next. I don’t expect to hear the girl yanking the door open and yelling, “Thanks for the awful evening, asshole,” then stomp down the hall and slam the front door.

  The house is silent again.

  I hear the quiet creak of my door as it swings open. Cade’s silhouette leans in my doorway. I’m a mess. I want him to go away.

  “Hale?” It’s just a whisper.

  I hold very still. Maybe if he thinks I’m asleep he will leave.

  Footsteps pad across the carpet.

  The bed dips behind me as he lies on top of the covers, his body molding tightly against mine. He puts his arm around my shoulder and I can feel his breath at my neck. His body is solid and warm and I love the feel of him against me. I need to ask him to leave.

  I can’t.

  I focus on my breath, trying to keep it steady and quiet but I’m sure I’m trembling.

  “I miss you so much,” he whispers into my neck, so softly I can barely make it out. I’m frozen. “I haven’t been with anyone since you. Fuck, I’ve tried. I can’t. You’re the only one I want.”

  My chest compresses. I hold my breath to keep quiet.

  “If I had known the last time we were together was the last time I would get to hold you, to have you, in my bed...” He swallows hard and nuzzles into my neck. His closeness sends prickles down my spine and makes my tummy twist and flutter.

  I can smell him, feel his breath, the weight of his arm around me, the heat of his body against mine. I didn’t even realize how much I’ve wanted it. Needed it.

  “I would give anything to have you like before, even for just one night,” he whispers.

  I’m still holding my breath.

  Finally, when I need air, I blurt out, “Okay.”

  It comes out of my mouth so faintly, I’m not even sure I said it.

  He stiffens next to me and sits up abruptly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you—” He starts to scoot off the bed when he stills. “What?”

  I can’t turn around to face him, afraid I’ll lose my nerve, but I want it as much as he does.

  “I said okay. Just for tonight.”

  He is silent for a minute. “Are you sure?” he breathes.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  He stands and moves toward the door. “I’m just going to go get a—"

  “No, just stay.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Less than two weeks ago I had his blood inside of me—I’m not worried about contracting a disease. “I’m on the pill,” I whisper to him. I still can’t see him but I can feel him here. In the dark. His energy. His nerves. His heat.

  “Oh.” There’s a sharp intake of breath. He shuts the door and walks back over to the side of the bed behind me. I hear him undo his belt and it hit the ground with his jeans. A couple more articles of clothing fall to the floor. Then he lifts the covers and I feel him slide in. The weight of him pulls my body back against his as he wraps his limbs around me. I’m stock still. Rigid and holding my breath. Anxious, waiting. But he just holds me there. He holds me for what feels like an hour. I start to breathe normally again.

  I feel the lightest touch of his lips to the back of my neck and it makes me sigh. He gently rubs my arm as he traces soft kisses down my neck to my shoulder. Then he kisses right behind my ear, the warmth of his sweet breath giving me goosebumps. He closes his arms around me and pulls me tight to him. His skin is burning through my thin sleepwear and I feel myself sink into him. I let go of the tension in my body and tilt my head, opening up for him and he kisses my neck with more intent. He trails his hand across my stomach to my hip, leaving a path of fire. Every inch of my skin is humming. He tastes my neck as he kisses it. His hand firmly cups my breast and I arch into his touch, needy. His thumb presses a circle around my nipple. It stiffens instantly for him and when he grazes over the tip, a moan escapes my lips. I can feel his breath quicken as he lifts my shirt up and off me.

  I reach behind, feeling his strong thighs pressed against mine. My hands glide up his smooth skin to his round behind. He is completely naked behind me and my heart is racing inside my ribs. Gripping his butt, I pull him even closer to me. I can feel his rigid member dig into my rear as his hands at my tender breasts and his lips at my neck become more frantic.

  I slide my hand between us, to feel him. The hum between my legs responds with a sharp zing to my toes. I grip him at the base and he growls against the back of my ear. He clutches at my hip as I rub my palm against his throbbing cock. My clit is aching and I squeeze my legs together to dull the tingling.

  Cade releases my hip to slide my panties down. I have no control over my body. My hips are shaking and my tummy is quivering with the overwhelming need between my thighs.

  Cade reaches around between my legs, finding my slippery wetness, “Is this what you need, baby?” Just as he places the most excruciating firm touch to my engorged little bead, I cry out. He continues touching me, his two fingers sliding between my swollen folds. “You’re so beautiful,” he says. Then his fingers plunge inside of me with no effort and I moan as I grind on his hand. His fingers spread, stretching me. A deep pressure builds inside me and I can’t control my breathing.

  “Cade. Please. Now.”

  With his fingers still inside me, I feel the large blunt head of his prick at my entrance. He pauses there for a moment. Cade lets out a deep breath and I feel him enter me, just barely. Just an inch more he slips in between his fingers. I now have him and two of his fingers in me and I am panting. I’ve never been so stretched. It is new and intense. He moves deeper into me as he slides his fingers out slowly. I can feel every bulge and knuckle of his fingers rub along my sensitive opening as they exit and I groan with the sensation.

  He rests his head on mine, cheek to cheek as he wraps one arm across my ribs just under my breasts and holds my hip steady with the other. Slowly, he fills me. I gasp as I try to steady my breath.

  “Wow.” He shudders behind me. “I’ve never done this before. You feel amazing.”

  I think he is all the way in but then, somehow, he pushes in deeper. Deeper. “Christ.” His voice is hoarse, shaky. He clutches me to him as we focus on the feel of each other. Skin to skin. Heat in heat.

  Holding my hip firmly, he eases out almost all of the way. We breathe in together. He rocks in and out of me again, rubbing perfectly against my inner sensitive spot and heady pleasure rolls up into my belly.

  I’m trying not to think about what this means. About us. It’s just for tonight. But, God I love this. Being with him.

  His lips are at my cheek and I can feel him start to breathe erratically. I let out more gasps and ohs as he continues to drag up and down along that sweet spot, slowly but directly. Electric shocks zap into my hip bones and shoot down my legs. My lips are swollen and tingling. My clit is painfully erect, throbbing and desperate for more. I push back against him as he enters me, forcing him in faster, harder. He takes the hint and meets my pace. I arch my back to push our pelvises deeper together, squeezing his steel inside of me at the apex of the motion.

  “Fuck.” His whisper is ragged and there’s a deep rumble in his chest when I tighten around his co
ck again.

  He releases his vise-grip on my hip, reaches down my front and lifts my leg over his. I am spread wide and this allows him deeper inside me. He slides his fingers to my aching bud and I cry out when he touches it. My whole body is on fire and it’s concentrated in the little button under his fingers that are massaging and circling it. He thrusts into me with more force and I’m getting dizzy from the feel of him and my screaming. Then he rolls my clit between his two fingers and I buck with the severe jolt of pure sensation it sends through my body. I’m about to explode.

  “Look at me,” he says.

  I turn to look into his eyes. They are an inch from me but I can barely make them out.

  “I need to see you when you come.” He is still entering me from behind powerfully and the buildup is agonizing, just below the surface, growing.

  I don’t think I can contain it anymore. His hand is entirely slick with my wetness as he presses against my swollen bead. He rubs it fast and gives it a little tug. I break around him. He covers my lips with his as I scream into his mouth. Waves crashing around us, our mouths are swollen and burning as his tongue penetrates me as I come. I feel myself contract around his cock inside of me.

  “Ahh,” he gasps out, panting against my lips. I can only moan and cry as another wave breaks in me and I feel it burst, hot and wet all over us. Cade is in pain, his eyes are shut and he is biting his lip, hard, as I start to come down. He pulls out of me. I am gasping for air and quivering all over with aftershocks and spasms multiplying under my skin.

  I still feel like I am floating when Cade rolls me onto my back. He brings me solidly back to earth as he lies over top of me, his weight pressing me to the mattress. My legs spread to allow his hips to settle against mine. He is still hard.

  “Did you come?” I ask.

  “It took everything in my power not to.” He holds my face in his hands. I can feel our hearts beating rapidly together. “I’m going to make this last all night.” His eyes are heavy with lust and he smiles a small crooked grin at me. “If that’s all right with you.”

  Yes, it is all right. I kiss him in response. He caresses my jaw with his hands as we kiss. Our lips are tender yet firm against one another, massaging, pulling, sucking, nipping. I part my lips so he can slip inside and our tongues dance together, rolling and twisting around, slowly. I can taste just a hint of blood from his bitten lip.

  My hands are fisted in his hair and I wrap my legs instinctively around his waist. Our bodies are pressed together—slick with sweat, they slip together easily. His stiff erection enters me again. We don’t break the kiss as he presses in and out of me, slowly and rhythmically. His fullness inside of me is wonderful. His hands at my face are gentle. I love his touch. I love feeling the weight of his body against mine. I love his lips, kissing mine. I love him inside of me.

  I love him. I love Cade.

  We are completely wrapped in each other. Every inch of skin touching more skin. His deliberate pace gradually picks up and each time he fills me to the hilt, the air knocks out of me. He keeps me in his embrace and his lips on mine, even as I start moaning under the pressure building again in my stomach and his thrusts come quicker, stronger. I can’t catch my breath. I am overcome with sensation. Cade’s mouth, his weight, his heat, his scent. I feel myself going.

  “Come with me?” I barely pant out.

  He nods, sweat glistening on his brow. “Yes.”

  I let go as it overtakes me. Cade holds me tighter, keeping me together as he falls apart over me, grunting and shuddering, emptying himself in me.

  He is looking right into my eyes, his voice raspy. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I don’t even think before I say it, still coming down from my high. His smile is the most gorgeous I’ve ever seen, blissful.

  He holds me to his chest as he rolls on to his back. I nestle into the space just below his shoulder. I can feel his heartbeat. He pulls the covers up over us and kisses my forehead. His breathing slows and I watch his chest rise and fall as I listen to his soft exhale of air.

  It’s 5:47 and my mind is racing. Being here, with him, like this is...perfect. I’m exactly where I want to be, but the idea of being with Cade scares me more than anything. It’s like when you break a bone—after it heals that spot is even stronger, but the rest of the bone is weaker, more vulnerable to breaking than before. Then, if it does break again, it will never break as cleanly as before. The second break is ugly. A mess. It will never heal as fully either. I’m scared that he’s going to break me again, and this time I won’t be able to take it.

  I listen to him sleep a bit longer. After this, I can’t imagine ever telling him no again, but I’m not ready to say yes.

  I slip out of the covers. I miss his warmth as soon as my feet touch the floor. I throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt. Before I leave, I look at him in my bed. He is peaceful. Beautiful. I want to give in to him, but I don’t know how.

  I go for a long, freezing bike ride to clear my head.

  CHAPTER 26

  I needed the air. The ride succeeds in giving me a runny nose, purple ears, and in dulling my anxiety. Exercise always makes me feel better. I realize that it is okay to listen to my head, but it is also all right to listen to my heart, that whatever decision I make will be the right one. I also realize that I don’t need to make the decision right now. I feel better taking the pressure off of myself. Cade said he can wait. That’s all I need—time.

  The house is still quiet when I get back.

  I don’t think Cade has moved even an inch. He is in the same position as when I left him. As I undress, he starts to stir, and with a big stretch, peeks his eyes open.

  “Where’ve you been?” He yawns.

  “Couldn’t sleep.”

  He looks at the clock as he sits up, the covers falling to reveal all of his sexy, taught pecs and abs and his intricate sleeves. “I have to go into the restaurant in a bit. You want breakfast?”

  “No, I think I’m going to try and go back to bed.”

  He smiles at me goofily, still half asleep, his hair all mussed from the pillow. It reminds me of seven-year-old Cade. His smile grows wide and I can tell he is thinking about last night.

  “You love me.”

  I can’t help but smile at him and nod. His eyes light up and it tears me apart.

  “That was never the issue between us,” I remind him.

  A crease appears above his nose and it kills me to see his grin dissolve. He stands and the sight of his gloriously naked body makes my knees shake a little. He walks over to me, smoothes my hair with his hand, and kisses my forehead.

  “Get some rest, Haley.” Then he leaves, closing the door behind him and I feel just as lost as I did last night.

  * * *

  I end up sleeping until late in the afternoon. When I wake up, the house is empty and I’m still confused about last night. About everything. I need to talk it out with someone, but I’m certainly not going to divulge details about my sex life with Tuck, or my mom, or Nenee. I text Court.

  Me: Are you still home for break or have you come back in town yet?

  Court: Still here at home, everything okay?

  Me: I could just use a friend to talk to...Cade.

  Court: I was going to head back in a couple of days but I’ll leave in the morning.

  Now I feel bad. I wasn’t trying to get her to cut her vacation time short.

  Me: It can wait. Don’t change your plans for me.

  Court: Too late, already packing. If I leave by 8 I can meet you at the Bistro on 3rd St by 10. Brunch?

  Me: Sure.

  * * *

  I take a sip of my bubbly, sweet mimosa when I spot Court at the door. Her stunning face lights up and she waves at me, the sunlight glowing off her blonde hair.

  She gives me a hug and sits across from me, immediately waving the server over to us. Addressing him by name, she orders us two more mimosas, requesting hers with grapefruit instead of orange juice. She
gives him the sweetest smile and he hurries off, then returns amazingly fast with our drinks, a plate of fruit on the house and takes our order attentively. I guess I should dine with Court more often.

  I tell her everything about what’s happened since the accident. She listens closely while tearing pieces of cinnamon roll off and eating them with her fingers.

  “I thought you were crazy about him.”

  “I am.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Court sits back and raises her eyebrows. She’s not buying it. “Well, I’ve got all day for you to figure it out.”

  I stare at my eggs benedict for a moment. It’s not as good as Cade’s. I look up at Court, all of her attention focused on me. “I’m scared, okay? He left me. He hurt me so much I don’t know if I can trust him. What if he hurts me again? I don’t think I can take it.”

  She considers my words as she finishes her second mimosa. “Maybe he will. But what if he doesn’t? Wouldn’t that be worth the risk?”

  Yes. “It’s the risk that’s scary. I can’t love him without being completely vulnerable to him again.”

  She is smiling at me. Her eyes are round, like glass marbles reflecting a brilliant blue sky. “Isn’t that the only way to love?”

  * * *

  On the walk home, my heart is pounding. Butterflies flutter in my stomach, the whole gamut. I am going to tell Cade I want to be together. Together. For real. Cade and me. Tuck approved. My feet start to speed up. A little skip and a hop are thrown in here and there. I can’t get home fast enough. My cheeks are starting to hurt from the grin spread across my face.

  I burst through the door and run straight for the kitchen, knowing he will be there. But when I land in the kitchen, breathless, Cade is sitting at the table, staring at a steaming cup of coffee with a somber look on his face.

  “Cade!”

  He looks up at me, but the hard look on his face doesn’t ease.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “We need to talk.”