To Be Your Girl (To Be Yours Book 1)

by Rae Kennedy

  That sounds...menacing. I sit across from him at our tiny table.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I got a job offer.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “As an executive chef...in the city.”

  It’s not bad news. Relief washes over me. “Cade, that’s awesome! Congratulations.”

  His smile is tight. “It’s at a new restaurant that hasn’t opened yet. It’s going to be fresh and cool.” His eyes light up as he talks about it. “And they want me to create the menu and help hire all of the staff...” He is smiling and it makes me so happy. This is his dream come true.

  “Sounds amazing.” I interlace our fingers across the table.

  He squeezes my hands, but his smile fades. “I need to know, Haley.” He looks at me intensely. “If there is any possibility, no matter how far in the future, of us ever being together.”

  Of course there is, dummy! Right now! I want to be with you right now! I’m just about to yell these words at him when the grave look on his face gives me pause. “Why?”

  “They would basically need me to be available at a moment’s notice. I would need to move there. They want me to start on the first so I would need to leave immediately to find a place to live there downtown.”

  I still don’t understand. “Okay...”

  I let his words sink in, not sure why he is being so grave.

  “If there is even a chance to get you back, I’ll stay. I won’t take the job. I will wait here for you as long as it takes.”

  “Cade, whatever happens with you and me shouldn’t affect this decision. It doesn’t have to be either, or—"

  “No,” he says definitively. “If I’m with you, I’m with you. All the way. Not long distance. I will not leave you again. Ever.”

  I am screaming inside. At the top of my lungs for him to stay. My internal screams are reverberating in my skull, hammering at the bone. I WANT YOU. I LOVE YOU. BE WITH ME. I want to say this but nothing comes out. I am mute. I can’t ask him to stay. In this little college town. Just for me. Not after seeing the glisten in his eyes as he spoke about this new opportunity.

  This is what he has been waiting for. He deserves this. I won’t let him give this up. I won’t be the reason.

  It breaks my heart to lie to him.

  “No.” My voice cracks, I can barely get the word out.

  “What?” His blue eyes search mine, panic rising.

  “There’s no chance...for us.” I have to bite my tongue to keep my expression steady and my jaw from quivering. I can feel the sting behind my eyes and I pray I can keep them in long enough for him to believe me.

  His perfect face breaks. Shattered. I’ve smashed it. His eyes are still searching my face, still begging for a different answer. But I hold my expression steady.

  He stands. His voice trembles a little as he says, “Okay then.”

  He turns his head away as he walks off but I can see him wipe his eye with his thumb.

  I sit at the table, staring at Cade’s coffee until I hear him leave.

  As soon as the door shuts, I start sobbing. Sobs that hurt.

  For the second time, Cade leaves the house with no intention of returning.

  This time, he never comes back.

  CHAPTER 27

  18 MONTHS LATER

  “No, opening night is two weeks from Friday. It absolutely needs to be installed by Tuesday, at the latest.”

  I scroll through different flight itineraries as the man on the other end of the phone continues to be noncommittal about finalizing the install date for our newest exhibit.

  “Hmm,” I say, “you must be very busy. And you’re right—two weeks is a tight timeline. If it is too short of notice for you, I am happy to discuss a finding a new company with Ms. Decker.”

  That gets him to perk right up. He backtracks and assures me his men will be here and the job completed on Monday.

  It’s already almost six o’clock and I should get going if I want to make it to dinner on time. The clicks of my high-heels echo down the marbled hallway. I knock on her door to announce my presence, even though it is already open.

  Claire Decker, head curator at the museum, looks up from her desk. “Haley, come in.”

  She walks around to lean on her desk, the magnificent city landscape through the wall-to-wall windows behind her. Her bangle bracelets chime as she takes off her glasses to look at me from under blunt-cut black bangs.

  “Did you get the installation scheduled yet?”

  “Yes, it is all taken care of.”

  “And it will be done by Wednesday?”

  “It will be done by Tuesday.”

  Her face softens into a smile. “Have you booked flights for my meeting in London next month?”

  “Not yet.” Shit.

  “Good. I was wondering... If you’re available, if you’d like to join me. I’d love to have your opinion on some of the pieces for our next collection.”

  “That would be amazing, I’d love to.”

  “Terrific. You have a good eye. I loved the photography portfolio you sent with your resume.”

  “That means so much coming from you, thank you.”

  * * *

  I practically skip down the sidewalk as I make my way to the restaurant. A notification dings in my purse and I check my phone.

  Ben: I had a great time on our date Saturday

  Me: Me too

  Okay, maybe not great, but by first-date standards, it had been nice.

  Ben: I’d love to go out again. Are you free on Friday?

  Me: I’m busy with a wedding this weekend, but next week sometime?

  Ben: Great, I’ll give you a call

  I always say yes to a second date, as first dates tend to be awkward, as a rule. But in the last year, I’ve yet to accept a third. Something has always been...missing.

  To be fair, I don’t think any man will ever make me feel the way Cade did. I try not to think about him. About where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with. Is he happy, is he sad, is he...in love? I can’t go there. I’ve gotten through the last year and a half by pushing thoughts of Cade out of my head and focusing on things like school, finding a job, and now, helping Court with her wedding and finding a place to live. And it feels good. I’ve been taking care of myself. I’m responsible for my own success and my own happiness.

  * * *

  “Cheers to the bride!”

  We all clank our wine glasses but before I can down the last of my Riesling, Court chimes in, “And to Haley! For finally effing graduating and getting a great job!”

  I smile at her from over the rim of my glass as the rest of the girls toast to me as well. It still amazes me how Court is always the light in any room, the center of everyone’s collective adoration and attention, yet she constantly puts her spotlight on those around her, making them feel important. Maybe that’s why she has become my very best friend. Anyway, her spotlight-shedding attempt doesn’t work. We are all here for her, to celebrate her wedding this weekend.

  Court is positively glowing and I couldn’t be happier for her. Truly I am. But seeing how blissfully happy she is and how truly in love she is, only serves to remind me of my own pathetic love life.

  The server comes to retrieve our empty plates and to refill our glasses. There is a clinking of dishes and silverware. The girls are all chatting, full from our glorious four-course feast. Court said she had been dying to go to this restaurant in the city for forever, so I made the reservations and surprised her.

  The restaurant is in an old warehouse building—the space is huge. It has fifteen-foot-high ceilings with thick steel beams and old pipes and ductwork all painted black above the aged brick walls. The windows to the street are tall, floor-to-ceiling, framed in black with intricately carved moldings. The floors are old and beat-up wide plank wood with gouges, scrapes, scuffs, and screws all over. The space is moodily lit, with hundreds of single droplet pendants hanging at various heights from the ceiling, creating a
sparkling cluster of stars above our heads. I love it. Almost as much as the food. It was so good I could not stop eating. Now I am stuffed.

  I am telling Court this when she looks up over my shoulder and her eyes go wide. A feeling I can’t describe cascades over me. It’s like a chill that is prickly, but warm—familiar, even.

  Then large warm hands are on my shoulders. Even after eighteen months, I know his scent, his touch. I can’t believe how quickly my body reacts to him. My heart beating, my cheeks flushing. Cade.

  I turn my head, and there he is.

  He is wearing his head chef’s uniform. This is his restaurant. My heart stops.

  He looks right into my eyes and smiles. His big, breathtaking smile.

  “Hey, you.”

  The knot in my throat is choking but I manage to get out a small, “Hi.”

  “Cade! I thought we might see you tonight.” Court beams. Cade smiles at us. She knew? Of course she did. “Hey, thanks for hooking us up with your friend’s band for the wedding!”

  “No problem.” He still has his hands on my shoulders. “How did everyone enjoy their meal?”

  All the girls moan at how great everything was. He absentmindedly rubs small circles into my back with his thumbs as the flock gushes and flirts with him. He steps away from me, his warm hands going with him as Court introduces him to everyone at the table—her little sister, Gracie, and a few coworkers. He shakes each of their hands. He smiles at them and I swear each girl either giggles, bats her eyes at him, or just drops her panties and offers herself to him right there on the table.

  Okay, I may have made that up. But, basically. I have no right to feel so possessive of him, but don’t they know that he’s mine? Or was. Which, in girl code, is the same fucking thing.

  He is making conversation with Court and her coworkers and I can’t help but stare at him. I’m watching the sharp angle of his jaw as he talks and the movements of his hands. It was much easier to push him out of my mind when he was just a memory. Now, with him standing here in front of me, I can’t stop the flood of emotion that hits me. The connection I have to him—I can feel it, and I’m drawn to him. Hearing his voice, having his hands on me just for a minute, smelling the rainstorm on his skin, makes me realize how dull my life has been.

  Cade turns his face toward me, and I think he catches me staring at him.

  “So, Haley, are you ladies just out for a night on the town or are you sticking around for a little while?”

  Before I can answer, Court tells him, “Actually, she lives here now.”

  His eyebrows rise in surprise. His lips take a sharp downward turn before he recovers them into a nice smile. “Oh, really?”

  “Well, technically I don’t yet, I have to find a place to live first.”

  “That’s great, Hale.” His smile is genuine and it makes my insides melt. “Hey, do you still have the same number?” He says it sort of off-handedly and it takes me by surprise.

  “Yeah.”

  “Cool. Well,” Cade addresses the table, “it was nice meeting you ladies, but I should get back to work.” The women collectively protest. He nods to Court and gives my shoulder a squeeze as he passes. “Really good to see you.”

  After he leaves, the girls resume their chatting. Court looks at me. Grinning mischievously.

  “He is still crazy about you.”

  I roll my eyes at her, waving her off. “He is not.”

  Could he be?

  * * *

  The next morning, I am still trying to sleep off my wine-induced headache, grateful I have the next few days off, when my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number. It is my rule to never answer a number I don’t know. If it is important, I am confident they will leave a message. Another rule of mine in regards to the phone is never to answer it before I am up out of bed. And it is, what the hell time is it? 10:42, holy fuck. The phone is still buzzing—then I have a panicked thought that it is someone at the HR department or Claire calling. I reach for my phone and hit the screen just before it goes to voicemail.

  “Hello?” I sound like a frog—hence why I don’t freaking answer the phone while I’m still in bed.

  On the other end, I hear chuckling. “I thought I waited late enough, sorry.” His deep, amused voice slaps me the fuck awake.

  “Cade?”

  “Morning.” More laughter.

  “I’m totally up.”

  “Hale. C’mon. I know your morning voice.” When he says it, it hits me like a truck. He still knows me more intimately than anyone.

  “Fine. I’m still in bed, but I’m awake. Swear.”

  “Good. Wanna get your ass out of bed and meet me for lunch? Catch up a little?”

  I remember Court’s words from last night and I am suddenly sweating in my sheets. Never mind hearing Cade’s voice while I am mostly naked has my whole body on alert. “Sure.”

  * * *

  I take advantage of the warm weather and wear a cute little skirt and my nude heels that make my legs look longer. As I walk toward the café, I feel like I am going to throw up.

  I spot him already seated at one of the tiny outdoor tables, sunglasses on his head, reading a menu. Just as he looks up toward me, I stumble over a crack in the sidewalk. Dammit heels! Get it together.

  “Hey!” His face lights up and he stands as I reach the table. He brings me in, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. My arms encircle his waist, probably tighter than is appropriate. We hold the embrace just a second longer than a friendly hug and I take the opportunity to press against his solid chest and smell his great Cade smell.

  We sit and order. I get the smoked ham, mozzarella, and apricot Panini after Cade tells me I’ll love it.

  “So, you’re moving to the big, bad city, huh?”

  “Yeah. I just started as the assistant to the head curator at the Museum of Natural History.”

  “Right out of school. That’s great! Sounds exactly like what you always wanted.”

  “I’m pretty excited about it.”

  “Now you’re apartment hunting?”

  “Yep. I’m starting out at base salary, so I think I’m going to have to find a roommate. I can’t afford anything I’ve looked at so far.”

  “Hmm.” He looks a bit concerned, but then our food arrives and my stomach grumbles as the server sets my plate in front of me.

  So we eat. The sandwich is amazing. The shoestring fries are also divine, the perfect amount of exterior crisp versus soft potato insides and all salty goodness. As we eat, we fall into easy conversation about Tuck’s new job, Cade’s new menu at the restaurant, and that I ended up minoring in photography. I don’t tell him he was the reason.

  Our plates are long gone and the check is on the table. But neither one of us makes a move. He looks like he wants to ask me something.

  “So...” I say. I don’t want our time to end, but there isn’t much else to do.

  “So.” He nods. He takes a drink and pretty nonchalantly asks, “Are you seeing anyone right now?”

  My heart starts pumping up into my ears. I don’t know what I had been waiting to happen, but this is it. I shake my head, smiling shyly. “No.”

  He nods at me, contemplating. “I am.”

  Wait, what? My heart stops. Then I can feel it shattering inside of me. I try to keep a light look on my face. “Oh yeah?” I smile. I’m happy for him. So fucking happy.

  “Yeah, I’ve been seeing her for a few months.” A few months? “She’s a great girl. Her name is Julia.”

  I hate the way he smiles when he talks about her.

  He is telling me about her, but I am not listening. I am staring at him, just focusing on keeping this stupid ass smile on my face. But I can feel it slipping. I am no good at hiding emotion. I should have never gotten my hopes up. I shouldn’t have come here. I feel a tickle in my throat and the pit of my stomach hurts.

  He tilts his head at me. “What’s wrong?”

  I’m about to lie. Say nothing is wrong. I’m great.
But I’m not. I’m dying inside and I can’t hold it in.

  “I lied.”

  “You lied?” He looks confused. “So you are seeing someone?”

  “No. I lied a year and a half ago. When I told you there was no chance for us to be together, I lied.” I can tell he’s still processing what I’m saying. So I continue. “I came home that very day with the intention of getting back together with you. I wanted to be with you more than anything. But it would have been selfish to hold you back. Moving here, this job, was your dream. So I lied.”

  He sits back in his chair as my words sink in. “Selfish?” He runs his hands through his hair, distraught. “You murdered me that day.” The look on his face stabs me right in the chest. He’s overwhelmed. He stands, rubbing the back of his neck. “My...fuck... My dream? Don’t you know?” His light blue eyes plead with me. “My dream was you. You.” He pulls out his wallet and lays enough cash for both of our meals on the table. “I’m sorry.”

  He doesn’t look at me. Then he turns and walks away. I sit there, numb, watching as his figure, hands in his pockets, gets smaller and smaller until he is lost with the other pedestrians on the street.

  CHAPTER 28

  “He’s seeing someone.”

  “What? Oh no, Haley, I’m so sorry.” Court steps out from behind the partition. She is breathtaking in her dress. It is soft white with a deep V-neckline that’s tight to her waist then flows to the floor. She already had her final fitting, but she couldn’t resist trying it on again when we came to pick it up from the shop.

  “It’s okay.”

  She tilts her head, a little crease forming between her brows. “Hale...”

  “Really. I’m fine. I’m glad he’s happy.” I do wish him happiness. “Anyway, enough about me. It’s your special time. You look beautiful.”

  “Thank you. I can’t believe the wedding is only days away.”

  “Are you nervous?”

  She smoothes out the bodice of her dress in the mirror, her angelic face completely serene. “Not even a little.” She turns to me, tall and elegant. “I better change and get this dress home. It’s a long drive. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? You can stay with us—it’ll be better than the hotel.”