Beyond the Checkpoint

by Addison M. Conley

  “Please, don’t say anything,” Lynn pleaded. “I’m sorry. I made a huge mistake, both in getting drunk and bringing you home.”

  A taxi pulled into the driveway.

  “I’m sorry too. I like you, but this is too much drama—even for me.” She bit her lip. “I’m short on cab fare. Can you spot me?”

  Lynn reached in her pocket and pulled out a twenty. She closed the door as the woman dashed away.

  “Ali will never forgive me, and I don’t blame her. How could I be so stupid?”

  She kicked the coffee table, sending pizza and beer cans flying. Flopping on the sofa, she buried her face in her hands. The tears spilled. The harder she tried to stop them, the harder she cried.

  What have I done? I love her.

  Lynn had never said those words to anyone. She felt now that she may never have the chance. She curled up into a ball and sobbed.

  Nothing matters anymore, none of it.

  Ali sped onto the highway out of Sacramento, not caring where she was headed. She fought off the tears the best she could.

  “I’ll be damned if I let her get to me,” she blurted out in the empty car. The song “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace came on the radio, and she cranked it up, singing at the top of her lungs. Lights gleamed in the rearview.

  “Shit.” She put on the blinker and pulled over.

  The trooper took his time approaching the vehicle. After examining her license and documentation, the officer said, “Do you know why I stopped you?”

  “I was speeding. I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be more careful next time. May I please have my ticket?”

  “Ms. Clairmont, you passed my SUV doing twenty miles over the limit.” His eyes were hard, but his mouth was partially turned up as if hiding a smile. Pointing back at the vehicle, his voice became authoritarian. “You know, the big black Ford Interceptor with the contrasting white doors and golden Highway Patrol letters and decal. Oh, and the lights on top. At least you changed lanes with appropriate distance and used your blinker correctly.” His radio crackled with a code. “Stay here and keep your hands on the wheel.”

  The air was sucked out of her lungs. In California, reckless driving came with a hefty fine and possible license suspension. Damn it, why did I have to be so careless?

  He returned and handed back her documentation. “You have no speeding tickets over the past ten years, no prior arrests, and no outstanding warrants.”

  She took a breath and prayed for the best.

  “Please explain to me why you’re in such a hurry.”

  “I found my girlfriend in bed with another woman.” She couldn’t read the look on his face and had no idea if he was an uptight conservative or not, but he asked for the truth, and she gave it. She was tired of hiding. “We’re home on short-term leave from Afghanistan.”

  He wrote a ticket and thrust it toward her. Although she tried to take it, he clinched it tight. “I could arrest you, but I’m giving you a break. I wrote it for fourteen miles over the limit. Slow down. It’s not just your life but others that are at stake.” His gaze bore into her, and Ali expected another lecture. “And Ms. Clairmont, no matter how upset you are about the girlfriend, let it go. Life is unpredictable and short.”

  Stunned, Ali murmured, “Thank you, sir.”

  He started to leave, but turned and held up his hand. “Oh, one more thing. Since you’re obviously distracted while driving, you might want to save the singing for the shower and turn down the radio. Have a nice day.”

  Her anger turned to pain, and tears clouded her vision. She sat in the rental for a long time and let all her pent-up frustrations ooze out.

  “God, how stupid am I to fall in love with such a player. Why can’t I make good choices? I always go after the bad girls, and I always get burned.” Her face hardened. “From now on, I’m focusing on work. To hell with relationships. I don’t need the drama and bullshit.”

  She put the car into gear. “Fuck her. I’ll tour California by myself.”

  Chapter 13

  October 2008 – Kabul, Afghanistan

  “You haven’t talked to me for almost a week since I returned to base.” Lynn’s shoulders slumped.

  Ali’s nostrils flared.

  “I’m so sorry.” Lynn scanned the room then looked down at her boots.

  “Look me in the face!” Ali stepped into Lynn’s personal space. “What happened?”

  Lynn flinched and stepped back. “I’m not sure the server room is where we should be having this conversation.” She jammed her hands deep into her pockets.

  “I made double sure the attendant is busy, and the noise will muffle the words. Talk!” Ali inched forward.

  “I…I drank too much.”

  “That’s the best you can do? You’re all neat and professional here and—what? Your place was trash. That chick was trash. Who’s the real Lynn? Is that what you want your life to be? Trash?”

  “No.” Lynn ran her hands through her hair and stared off to the side. Her eyes were misty. “I’m so sorry. It was a dreadful mistake. Hell, I was so drunk that I don’t even know if I really slept with her.”

  “I need a better answer than that. Do you have an alcohol problem, an addiction to sex, or both?” Lynn’s jaw dropped, and Ali threw up her hands. “You know, I don’t fucking care. We’re on different teams, and someone else can help you out. I’m too busy with the general’s projects.”

  Lynn mumbled something, but the door to the server room flew open. Henderson dropped a box inside the door.

  “There you are, Major. The colonel’s got four people looking all over for you, and he’s not in a good mood. Something’s going on at J-Bad.”

  Lynn gave Ali another sympathetic look. “I’m sorry. I truly am.”

  Henderson grabbed Lynn’s arm. “You’d better go now.”

  “You two go. I have something to check on.” Ali’s jaw hurt from clenching. She turned and leaned over a control panel. When the door closed, she smacked her hand on the hard metal.

  Fuck her. I’m done.

  Ali marched outside and took a long walk before going back to her desk.

  “Hey, Ali. How was lunch?”

  She didn’t look at Vicki. “Okay. Did we get any feedback on the project?”

  “The general loves the threat analysis and air support pieces, but he wants an updated map with additional ingress and egress routes. I don’t know why.” She pointed to the screens. “Overall, it’s a pretty solid package. Everything okay?”

  “Yeah. What’s going on at Jalalabad?”

  “Don’t know for sure. Someone got hurt in town, but you know there’s always something going on at FOB Fenty. Only this time, Special Forces asked for Lynn by name. Looks like she might be there a couple of weeks.” Vicki quietly said, “Should we be worried?”

  “Special Forces are the kick-ass elite. Nothing to worry about. Do they need any help from us?” Ali displayed a report on the computer screen and started typing notes. She ignored the several seconds of silence and waited for Vicki’s reply.

  “No. But oddly enough, I was privy to the conversation between Lynn and the colonel. I was delivering papers to the colonel from the general, and the assistant led me into the room. It was weird. Every time the colonel spoke, Lynn argued back that it was essential for Henderson to go. I’ve never seen her like that. If Special Forces hadn’t asked for her by name, she would have been toast. As I was leaving, he agreed on sending Henderson, then mentioned a letter of reprimand. Gee, she sure pissed him off.”

  Ali took a deep breath and locked the computer screen. “Let’s hope nothing serious is going down.”

  “You sure everything is okay? You’ve been upset since your return. Lynn’s weird too.”

  “Everything’s fine. I’ll be back in a second.” Ali walked away. Lynn you lying, cheating… Ali choked back the thoughts and hung her head. Admit it. A piece of me still cares.

  Nearly a week had passed since Lynn had gone to FOB Fent
y in Jalalabad, and Ali was still in a funk. Outwardly, she pretended not to care. Inwardly, grief and anger spun around faster than a hand mixer.

  Paul peppered her with questions that she dodged as best she could, but she had avoided him enough. They had to talk.

  Her footsteps were heavy as she trudged up the stairs to the fourth floor. The staircase was worn and laden with dust that collected faster than it could be swept away. Sort of like my life.

  Her nose wrinkled with the smell of something she searched to describe, something stale and unpleasant. Stepping into the corridor to Paul’s office, the scent of lemon from the recently moped tile floor filled her. Ah, much better. She took a few deep breaths as she walked toward Paul’s open door.

  “Congratulations on your promotion Captain Taylor. I’m sorry to have missed your party.”

  He waved her in. “You didn’t miss much. Although, I lucked out.” He leaned back, smiling ear to ear, and rocked. “Camp Eggers’ chow hall had wings—BBQ, Cajun, smoked, and one with a blend of sriracha sauce, butter, lime zest, and cilantro. Simply delish. Now, sit your bones down. You’ve been running around like crazy since you got back.” Paul reached into the desk drawer and tossed out a bag of cookies. “My secret stash. I’ll make some decaf. Sit and relax.”

  “I love these.” The chocolate-hazelnut cookies reminded Ali of Lynn. The time they dipped apple slices into Nutella. She stilled her breathing and gritted her teeth as the hurt punched through her. “Is the colonel in?”

  “Not today. He’s at the embassy for a meeting and plans to have dinner with the ambassador. So, unless it’s urgent, you’ll have to settle for me.” Paul gently closed the door. “We need to talk.”

  “Yeah, I guess we do.”

  Paul put his hands gently on Ali’s shoulders. “Sit and tell me what the devil is going on. You’ve been tight-lipped too long, and it’s wearing on you. It looks like you haven’t slept in days.”

  Ali took a deep breath. “She cheated. The first day I went to her house, a half-naked woman was coming out of the bedroom with her boobs exposed.”

  “I’m sorry, Ali. What are you going to do?”

  “Me? Fuck Lynn. I don’t need her.” She covered her face with her hand.

  “Look, sweetie. I know you got that sailor mouth to hide the fact that you’re twice as smart as most of the men on this base, but you don’t fool me about your brains or your heart. You love her.”

  Ali put up her index finger. “Did. Not anymore.”

  “Did you talk to her?”

  “I tried, but all she said was, ‘I’m so sorry,’ and, ‘I got too drunk.’ She sounded guilty. Paul, I can’t get involved with someone that’s jumping in and out of everyone’s bed, and I have no tolerance for drunkenness.”

  He shook his head. “So, she confessed to sleeping around?”

  “I saw it with my own eyes.”

  “You saw one episode.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “The point is you’ve both been through some traumatic events. I’m not defending her behavior, but Lynn hasn’t been the same since the failed op.” He squeezed Ali’s hand. “I’m sure she regrets hurting you.”

  “Maybe, but I don’t give a damn anymore.”

  “Are you certain about that?”

  “Whose side are you on?”

  “Ali, there’s a possibility that she’s acting out to hide PTSD.”

  The phone rang. He held up his finger as he answered. “Colonel Fitzgerald’s office, Captain Taylor speaking. How may I help you?” Paul nodded and twisted his lips. “I’ll be sure to give her the message, Major…roger…out.”

  Paul poured them a cup of decaf and laid out the cookies. “Major Abbott says the deadline has been delayed until tomorrow. And to answer your question, I’m on your side, sweetie.”

  “That checkpoint attack scared the shit out of me, but I didn’t go shack up the minute some floozy came along. What makes you think she has PTSD? She was upset the first couple of nights after the failed op but seemed to adjust. Well, she dove into work at least.”

  “But pushed you away. Honey, this is our first deployment, and this is her third. You’ve been through one awful event, and no one died. Lynn’s been through several and has seen death up close. I think she finally cracked.” Paul sipped his coffee. “If so, then that could explain her actions in California. It’s common for people with PTSD to be reckless and develop substance abuse. They try to hide, but sooner or later the façade comes crashing down.”

  “I agree she’s been acting depressed and isolating herself, but she made it through the psych tests.”

  “Lots of people lie. It’s stupid, but they think admitting they need help makes them weak. To be truthful, I don’t know how much longer Lynn can continue. You know they sent her back from J-Bad this morning, right?”

  “No. What happened?”

  Paul bit his lip. “My confidential source said Henderson reported that Lynn barely seemed cognizant of her actions. In her off time, she was in the rec center playing video games for hours.”

  Ali wrinkled her brow. “She doesn’t like video games.”

  “Apparently, she sucks at them too. Henderson went to check on her, and Lynn didn’t even notice him walk into the room. I guess they have to log in at J-Bad, and the books had her there for hours instead of sleeping. Anyway, my source said Henderson told her to turn herself in for shrink sessions or he would.”

  “Oh my God. That doesn’t sound like Lynn at all.”

  “Ali, I saw Lynn briefly as she was preparing to leave for a psych session at Eggers. Dark circles were under her eyes, and she didn’t smile. Rumors are spreading, and the recent is they may discharge her on medical.” Paul put the cup down and held Ali’s hand. “Talk to her Ali. Maybe you can help.”

  “Or maybe I’ll make it worse.” Ali cringed from her own bitterness.

  “Ali, if you completely cut off everyone who has ever hurt you, then what do you have left?”

  “Peace.”

  “I think you know better than that. You’ll end up a lonely shell because we’re all full of shortcomings.”

  Paul sipped his coffee, and his gaze lingered, waiting for her to state the obvious.

  She wet her lips. “You’re right, Paul.”

  “My mother is always right, and she told me that avoidance solves nothing. Talking and forgiving is the only way to set yourself free.” He patted his chest. “You won’t be the same, and your relationship will change, but you can salvage the good and move on. Hopefully, that will be as a couple and not separate.” He was now inches from her, and she couldn’t escape his scrutiny. “You’ll feel empty without going through life’s checkpoints. Don’t get lost, looking back and wishing things had gone better, or you had done this or that. Make it better now. Talk to her.”

  “You sound like a psychologist.”

  He chuckled. “It does run in my family. My grandfather was a psychiatrist.”

  “Good Lord, you’ve been analyzing me since day one.”

  “Yep.” He sported a gorgeous smile. “My family taught me to be proud of my heritage,” his eyes gleamed, “and how to pick good friends. I hate to see you in pain, but only you can change that.”

  Walking away from Paul’s building, the conversation kept replaying in Ali’s mind. Have I misread Lynn so badly? She gathered her jacket around her against the cold of the October night.

  “Ali!” She jumped as Vicki grabbed her sleeve and guided her away from the main road. “Lynn’s in trouble. She’s a lot worse than before R&R. I’ve never seen her like this—ever—not even outside of work. She’s really lost it.”

  “Oh God, I just thought she was pulling away from me, then in California…”

  “Don’t beat yourself up. We all misread her. Hell, I thought she simply needed a little time and would bounce back after the trip home. She had us all fooled when she passed the initial psych exams but completely fell apart at J-Bad.”

  “When
does she get back from psych?”

  “She might be back now. You should check. I have to get back to the Operations Center.”

  Ali sprinted the rest of the way and took the steps up two at a time. Her pulse raced as she reached the third floor. She took a deep breath before tapping on the door.

  “Lynn, are you in there? Please answer.” Lynn cracked the door but didn’t say a word. “Please let me in. I’m sorry I’ve been awful to you. Please, let’s talk.”

  “I’m leaving in two hours and need to pack.”

  Trembling, Ali leaned in close. “I was infuriated and upset, but I forgive you. Please forgive me. I know you’re hurting.” Lynn didn’t answer. “Please. We’ll both feel worse if it ends this way.”

  Lynn swung the door open and continued to pack. Everything she owned was spread out on the bed and small table. Two gorilla boxes were partially full. It was still hard to believe things had escalated this far so fast.

  “I’m sorry,” Ali choked out the words as she closed the door. She lightly touched Lynn’s back. “I didn’t know how badly the failed op affected you.”

  Lynn stopped folding, then slowly put her shirt in the box and turned to face Ali. Her color was ashen, and her blue eyes were circled with darkness. She wasn’t the strong woman Ali knew.

  “Oh God Lynn, I’m so sorry.” Ali embraced her.

  Lynn only returned the affection after Ali began to cry.

  “I shouldn’t have been a bitch to you. You said the woman meant nothing, but all I wanted to do was punish you and wallow in my anger and self-pity.”

  Lynn grasped her shoulders and pushed her out to arm’s length. “I feel miserable about California, but you’re not at fault. I’ve been sliding down. I tried to take care of things on my own, but I…I…I just couldn’t.” The tone of Lynn’s voice was raw, and tears clouded her eyes. “You’re better off without me anyway. I don’t know if there’s any way of coming back from this.”

  “Don’t say that! You’re strong and intelligent. You’ll get through this.”