The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  “So you’re gonna tell them tonight, right?” Ryan asked me as he slipped into his warm jacket.

  I sighed frustratedly, trying to make it obvious that I was annoyed with him.

  We were in our room getting ready to leave and meet Ava, Lola and Avery at the local bowling alley. Yes, I promised Ryan that I would come out to any friends of mine that I got a chance to tell. That didn’t mean he had to constantly bother me about it. But he was. I could already feel my stomach in my throat. I didn’t need Ryan reminding me about it every five seconds.

  “Yeah, okay?” I said angrily.

  “I’m just making sure.” He said, putting his hands up defensively.

  “Well I’m kind of freaking out.” I informed him, “Can you at least respect that?”

  His face fell to an apologetic expression. “I do respect that, sweetie.” He stepped forward and placed his hands on my chest. I held his waist instinctively.

  “Then stop pressuring me.” I complained.

  To be honest, I was getting a bit frustrated with Ryan’s constant reminders that I had to come out to everyone on the planet. Every time I thought about telling another person about my sexuality, my stomach did a nauseating somersault. I understood Ryan’s “leap of faith” concept, but I truthfully wasn’t feeling ready to tell so many people so quickly.

  “I don’t understand why you can’t just let me deal with all this coming out stuff.” I said, “I mean it’s my life. Can’t you just let me tell people on my own time?”

  He looked down defeatedly. “I understand, Jamie.” He said, “I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was pressuring you. I just wish we could tell our friends about our relationship. I’m so used to being out of the closet, and I instinctively just want to go out and tell all my friends about my new boyfriend. It’s frustrating that I can’t do that.”

  “Well it’s frustrating when you are constantly telling me I have to come out when I’m not ready!” I said forcefully, “And no offense but this isn’t your decision. It’s mine. I’m sorry that we have to hide our relationship, but what if I’m just not ready to tell people?”

  “Well... remember what I said about taking a leap of faith?” He asked.

  “Screw that!” I shouted angrily, “That doesn’t always work, Ryan!”

  He looked upset but he didn’t retort. Instead he just said quietly, “Okay.”

  I felt bad immediately. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared, okay? Can’t you understand that?”

  He nodded and gave me a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay, James. You don’t have to tell them tonight. I’ll just go with the flow from now on, okay?”

  I felt even worse, but I nodded.

  Ryan leaned up and kissed me tenderly. “I love you no matter what.” He whispered.

  I felt my heart expand. My nervousness and stress lifted a bit.

  The two of us left our room, leaving all traces of romantic interaction behind. We both stuffed our hands in our own pockets so that we would resist the urge to hold hands. We talked about casual topics, trying to avoid using terms of endearment for each other. The only place we could ever be affectionate was in our dorm room. And we weren’t there anymore, so we had to pretend to be just friends.

  The bowling alley was within walking distance so we exited the campus and walked the streets of town until we arrived. During our walk, conversation came easily but I noticed that Ryan seemed a bit downcast. His mood had dropped since we left the room. Perhaps it was because of our little disagreement, or maybe it was because we couldn’t be affectionate for the rest of the night. But it worried me.

  When no one was looking, I took my hand out of my pocket and reached over to put my arm around his shoulders. It made us both smile and I felt better.

  Upon entering the bowling alley, I immediately dropped my arm from his shoulders and he seemed to understand. We paid and exchanged our shoes before heading down to Lane 5, where Ava, Lola, and Avery were already bowling.

  Lola had a special glint in her eyes when she saw me and Ryan. I winked at her.

  “Hey guys!” Ryan greeted, running over to hug Ava.

  “Ry-Ry!” Lola exclaimed, throwing her arms around both Ryan and Ava.

  Meanwhile, I walked over to greet Avery. I patted him on the back with a masculine, “Hey, man.”

  “Hey.” He replied, with a laugh in his voice.

  “Hey, Avery!” Ryan smiled brightly, waving.

  “What’s up man? I haven’t seen you in forever!” Avery exclaimed, throwing an arm around Ryan’s shoulders and giving him an older-brother-style noogie.

  “Get off!” Ryan complained, laughing.

  For the next hour or two, the five of us bowled and had a great time. Avery, being the bowling champ of our group, obviously won every game. But to our surprise, Ava did well too. I was having so much fun that I’d completely forgotten about my disagreement with Ryan, and about coming out to my friends. I didn’t remember any of that until we were in the arcade room using up all our quarters on stupid games.

  While trying desperately to win a game of PacMan, Ryan came up and nudged me. “Hey baby.” He said with a sly grin.

  “Shh!” I scolded him, looking around, paranoid as always, “Ryan! Don’t call me that here!”

  He laughed. “Relax, Jamsey. Avery went to get us pizza and the girls went to the bathroom. No one’s gonna overhear us.”

  I felt instant relief. “But still, Ryan! Just don’t!” Then I realized something. “Did you just call me Jamsey?”

  He smiled and giggled. “That’s my new nickname for you.”

  I smiled in spite of myself.

  “So hey...” He said in a quieter voice, his smile turning humble, “I’m really sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to push you or pressure you when you clearly aren’t ready. And it’s okay not to be ready. Don’t worry about telling people until you feel like it’s the right time. You’re right, it’s not my decision. It’s yours.”

  I wanted to kiss him for being such a sweetheart. But obviously, I couldn’t right now. I mentally reminded myself to give him some nice hot sex when we got back to our room tonight.

  “You’re awesome.” I said, as quietly as possible.

  He beamed. “Thanks, Jamsey.”

  “Oh, shut up.” I said jokingly, even though I secretly thought that nickname was cute.

  He laughed.

  The two of us exited the arcade area and found Avery at one of the tables in the dining area. He had plates of pizza slices for each of us.

  “Thanks, buddy.” I said, handing Avery a couple bucks to pay for mine and Ryan’s pizzas.

  “No problem.” He said, “Where are the girls?”

  “In the bathroom, I think.” Ryan answered, sitting down and immediately digging in to his food.

  Once Lola and Ava joined us at the table, we all started up our fun, casual conversation again. After just a minute or two I realized how much I genuinely enjoyed this group of people. They were so laid back (well, besides Lola who was a bit high-strung at times) and they were such honest and nice friends. They were easy to get along with and fun to hang out with. Although I’d just met them at the beginning of this school year, I truly considered them some of my best friends. And of course, Ryan was a bit more than that. Okay, a lot more than that.

  But it got me thinking. If these people really are some of my best friends, why shouldn’t I be telling them my biggest secret? They’re such genuine people, I’m sure they would understand. I mean, they’re completely accepting of Ryan’s sexuality. So why shouldn’t they be accepting of mine? Besides, Lola already knew and it felt a little wrong to be leaving Avery and Ava out of the loop.

  Ryan had been so supportive of me through all of this. While I was in denial, he never pushed me to figure it out. And after I figured it out, he was always there holding my hand to make sure I was okay. Sure, he pressured me a bit to come out of the closet. But he apologized for it, and he was just doing what was best for me in the first pla
ce. He deserved much more than hot sex later tonight. I decided to make his day. In fact, I didn’t even feel that nervous anymore.

  During a break in the conversation, I seized my opportunity.

  “So guys, guess what.” I said suddenly.

  Lola’s eyes widened immediately.

  “What?” Ava asked casually, taking a bite of her pizza.

  I could feel Ryan looking at me, but I looked straight at the others instead.

  “I have something kind of important to tell you.” I said.

  At that point, both Ava and Avery looked up at me curiously. But they saw I was smiling, so they must’ve understood that it wasn’t bad news I was about to tell them. Ava smiled back excitedly. Avery just raised an eyebrow at me curiously.

  I turned to Ryan and smiled lovingly at him. His eyes were wide in surprise but he had a hint of a smile on his lips.

  “This is kind of embarrassing for me...” I said, turning back to the others, “But... the truth is...”

  “What...?” Lola asked.

  “You know very well what.” I teased.

  She gasped.

  “What?” Ava asked, and Avery echoed her.

  “The truth is...” It was so hard to spit out, “Ryan and I are actually together now.”

  “Oh come on.” Avery rolled his eyes disbelievingly.

  “No it’s true.” I said embarrassedly, blushing and looking down.

  Ava squealed, just as Lola had squealed when I told her.

  Avery sounded dumbfounded. “Seriously?”

  I nodded, afraid to look up at him.

  “James... you’re gay?” He asked.

  I bit my lip and found the courage to look up at him. For some reason, I expected to see a look of disgust on his face. But I was met with something much more friendly. He had on a somewhat shocked smile and his eyes were wide. His expression could only be described as the face of someone who’d just heard some very exciting good news.

  I smiled at him and nodded.

  “I had no idea!” He said.

  “Neither did I.” I admitted.

  Ava and Lola were simply squealing with delight and gabbing away with each other about how cute of a couple Ryan and I would make.

  “Wait, you can’t be serious!” Ava said after a moment, smiling with her jaw on the floor.

  “He is serious.” Ryan replied, looking only at me.

  “No way!” Ava squealed.

  “That’s awesome, you guys.” Avery said, nodding in approval.

  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face even if I wanted to. Three of my very best friends now knew my biggest secret, and they were completely accepting. Not only that, but they were excited to hear about my relationship with Ryan. It was the best feeling in the whole world.

  “So wait, what about Loryn?” Avery asked, confused, “I totally thought you were straight.”

  “Yeah, I was a bit... confused at the time.” I admitted, “But no, I’m not straight at all. Not even bi. Loryn was kind of a... mistake. No offense to her, of course.”

  “Mind if I have her?” Avery said jokingly, with a sly smirk.

  We all laughed.

  “I still don’t believe it.” Avery said after a few seconds.

  “Prove it!” Ava encouraged.

  “Yeah! Kiss him, James!” Lola suggested.

  I turned to Ryan and bit my lip with a smile. I saw him blush but I could tell he really wanted me to kiss him. So I went for it. I didn’t care who was watching. I was on top of the world at the moment, and no one could ruin my good mood.

  I gave Ryan a short yet tender kiss, and when I backed away we gazed at each other for a moment. His blue eyes were twinkling with happiness.

  Ava and Lola clapped excitedly at our kiss.

  “Awww.” Avery said.

  It was easily one of the best nights of my life so far.

  When Ryan and I were walking back to Nickerson Hall later that night, we had our hands stuffed in our pockets as usual. But at the moment, I didn’t care who saw our public displays of affection. The campus was nearly empty, since pretty much everyone was in their rooms already. I reached over and dragged Ryan’s arm out of his pocket so I could hold his hand. We intertwined our fingers and strolled through campus with our hands locked together, clearly a couple.

  That sickeningly beautiful smile appeared on his face again. I couldn’t stop staring at him. His eyes were gorgeous in the moonlight.

  “Thank you, James.” He said.

  “For what?” I asked.

  He looked at me, as if the answer should be obvious. “Everything.” He said simply.

  We didn’t let go of each other’s hands until we were safely back inside our dorm room. And yes, we did have hot sex.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  .

  In our dorm room on a quiet Sunday, Ryan was laying on his bed doing homework and I was at my desk browsing the internet. I turned to stare at Ryan for a moment. He didn’t notice, since he was too busy shuffling papers around. He was laying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows working on math problems. He had his feet in the air and a pencil in his hand. He looked adorable, from his cute button-up flannel to his rolled up jeans.

  I watched him write his name and the date on a piece of paper. I was so distracted by his appearance that it scared me when he gasped loudly.

  “What?” I asked.

  “It’s almost spring break!” He exclaimed, sounding disappointed.

  “Why is that bad?” I asked, laughing. I was quite excited to be taking a break from schoolwork.

  Ryan looked up at me. “We won’t see each other.” He frowned and stuck out his lower lip.

  I hadn’t realized that. Sadness and dread immediately devoured the excitement I had for spring break. We’d only be apart for eight or nine days, but we hadn’t been apart for more than a few hours since we’d been dating. It was probably unhealthy for us to spend so much time together, but it would feel wrong to be away from him.

  I really hadn’t realized how much time had gone by in our relationship. I’d asked him to be my official boyfriend on January 20th, and it was already March. Our two-month anniversary was in a few days. Of course, we hadn’t really celebrated our one-month anniversary and I didn’t expect the next one to be any different. But it was slightly surprising to realize that two months had already passed.

  Spring break was from April 7th to the 15th. We had a few weeks to go, but it still seemed like it was right around the corner. I realized how much I didn’t want to leave Ryan.

  “I wish we could spend spring break together.” I said.

  He nodded sadly and turned back to his math problems.

  As I looked back to my computer screen I started thinking about my spring break plans while unconsciously scrolling through the internet. I thought about giving my high school friends a call once I got home to see if they wanted to hang out. I thought about how it would be nice to see my little brother and sister again. I thought about how excited I was to see my parents.

  But then a red flag came up in my mind. My high school friends. My siblings. My parents. They would all be asking questions about how my second semester of college has been going so far. They would all be asking about what I’ve been up to. Besides schoolwork, the only thing I’ve been doing is hanging out with Ryan. And I’d have to tell them that. And my family would realize that I’ve just been hanging out with a gay guy this whole time. And they’d ask questions about that. And I’d have to tell them...

  I’d have to tell them that Ryan and I are more than just friends.

  I’d have to come out to them.

  The most terrible feeling of dread I’d ever felt came over me in an instant. It was a million times worse than the dread I felt before I told Ava, Lola, and Avery.

  “Ryan...” I complained, “I can’t go home!”

  I could tell he was about to ask why not, but then his expression changed when he realized the predicament I was in.

  “O
h, it’ll be okay James.” He said, “You don’t have to tell them over spring break. You can wait.”

  “But... they’ll be asking about school and everything...” I said, “And they’ll ask what I’ve been up to... and what am I supposed to tell them?”

  “Just say you’ve been busy with schoolwork!” He suggested, “Tell them you’ve been hanging with your friends and stuff.”

  “They don’t even know that I broke up with Loryn.” I reminded him.

  “So tell them you did, and make it sound like you’re single now.”

  “But what if they ask if I have a girlfriend?”

  “Then tell them you don’t.” He said simply, “Cause it’s true. You don’t have a girlfriend.”

  I nodded, but that dread was still bubbling in my stomach. “I just don’t want to see them.” I said, “I don’t want to go home at all.”

  Ryan sighed and stared off into space, lost in thought.

  The thought of having to come out to my parents was entirely overwhelming. I knew that they would at least be disappointed. But that was probably best case scenario. In reality, they would probably be livid, disgusted, ashamed. They would disown me or tell their friends that they only had two children instead of three. They would scold me for setting a bad example for my little siblings. They would refuse to accept Ryan as my boyfriend.

  I cringed, imagining their reaction.

  It did make me feel better, knowing that Ryan wouldn’t be disappointed if I put off telling them. I didn’t have to come out to them over spring break. But still, seeing them would drive me crazy. I went from being totally excited for spring break to being filled with dread.

  “James, why don’t you come to my house for spring break!” Ryan suggested excitedly.

  “What?” I asked immediately, laughing at the ridiculousness of that idea.

  “Yeah!” He said, sitting up with wide eyes and a huge smile, “You can meet some of my friends from high school and stuff!”

  “Ryan...” I laughed, “Are you insane?”

  “What’s the big deal?”

  “I thought I remember you saying that your parents aren’t very supportive.” I said, “Why would they ever be okay with you bringing your boyfriend home for spring break?”