The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  “I don’t think they’d care to be honest.” Ryan shrugged.

  “But you said they’re upset about you being gay.” I reminded him, “They wouldn’t be too thrilled with you bringing a boy home! Are you crazy?”

  “As long as we don’t make out in front of them, I think they’d just ignore it.” He said, “They’d pretend that we’re just friends. And then we won’t have to be apart over spring break, and you won’t have to see your parents!”

  Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to be with Ryan for spring break. It sounded like a brilliant plan, except for the fact that his parents would never be okay with it. And what about my parents? Would they be okay with me spending spring break at my gay roommates house, even if they didn’t know he was my boyfriend?

  “Ryan... it just doesn’t sound like they’d be okay with it.”

  “Well it can’t hurt to ask them.” He said.

  I couldn’t argue with that.

  “True.” I said.

  Smiling wide, Ryan immediately grabbed his phone from where it was sitting on his bed.

  “You’re asking them now?” I asked, appalled.

  “Yeah, is that a problem?” He smiled in a know-it-all fashion.

  I rolled my eyes playfully, feeling a bit nervous for him.

  He dialed his home phone number and pressed the phone to his ear.

  I turned back to my computer, feeling anxious. I listened while Ryan waited to be connected, and I heard him say “Hi, mommy” into the phone. But instead of letting me listen in to the conversation, Ryan stood up and casually walked out of the room to talk to his mother privately. It partially worried me and partially made me feel a bit more at-ease. I didn’t exactly want to hear the entire conversation, just the verdict at the end.

  I continued to feel nervous, until I remembered what Ryan said. It couldn’t hurt to just ask. Even if his parents weren’t okay with it, nothing bad would happen by simply suggesting it. I relaxed a bit while I waited for Ryan to return.

  When he finally did, he had a smile on his face.

  “They said yes!” He announced.

  “What?” I asked, amazed.

  He shrugged. “Yeah, as long as we don’t kiss in front of them, like I said.”

  “Are you kidding?” I asked, “They were completely fine with it?”

  “Well it took some convincing, but they agreed.” He said, “We can just act like best friends around them and that way they won’t feel uncomfortable.”

  From all the things Ryan had told me about his parents, this was the last thing I expected. I remember the stories Ryan told me, where his parents yelled at him and pretended that it was just a phase. And now he was bringing his boyfriend home for spring break and they were completely fine with it? It seemed crazy.

  “Aren’t you excited?” Ryan asked, “You’ll get to meet them, even if they aren’t entirely pleased to meet you. And I can introduce you to some of my friends from high school, and we can hang out in my town. This is gonna be so much fun!”

  “Yeah, if my parents agree to it.” I reminded him.

  “Why wouldn’t they?” He asked.

  “I told them that you’re gay, remember? And they weren’t that comfortable with it.”

  “Well, if they’re okay with us rooming together, why wouldn’t they be okay with you coming over for spring break?”

  It was so hard to argue with his logic.

  “Alright. I’ll ask them.” I agreed.

  “Do it right now!” He suggested excitedly.

  “Don’t be so pushy!” I said jokingly, grabbing my cell phone.

  He giggled. “Sorry. I’m just excited.”

  I dialed my parents’ number.

  “Hello?” My mom answered.

  “Hey mom.” I said.

  “James!” She exclaimed, “How’ve you been, sweetie?”

  “I’ve been good. How’s everything at home?”

  “Everything’s fine.”

  She went on to explain very detailed stories about my dad’s work and some drama at my little sister’s dance studio. I rolled my eyes.

  “So you’re coming home in a few weeks, right?” She finally asked.

  “Actually, that’s what I called to talk to you about.” I said, “My roommate invited me to come spend spring break at his house.”

  “Oh, that sounds like fun.” She said, “What’s his name again?”

  “Ryan.” I reminded her, “It would be great. That way I wouldn’t have to buy a plane ticket home and back, you know?”

  “That’s true.” She said, “But we won’t get to see you until summer!”

  “I know, Mom.” I groaned, “But it’s fine. Summer will be here before you know it.”

  “Well...” She sighed, considering it for a moment, “Alright.” She sounded disappointed, but she’d given me permission and that was all that mattered.

  “Yes!” I mouthed to Ryan in triumph.

  He clapped his hands excitedly.

  “Wait...” Mom said, “Your roommate Ryan... isn’t he the gay one?”

  Shit...

  “Yes, Mom.” I said, in an annoyed voice.

  “And you’re spending spring break with him?” She asked, sounding uncertain.

  “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” I asked.

  “Well...” She said skeptically, “Isn’t that a little odd?”

  “Mom, I’m already living with him.” I said, “Why would spending spring break with him be any different?”

  “Hey that’s what I said!” Ryan interrupted.

  “Because...” Mom responded, unable to give a valid point.

  “Mom, he’s my friend!” I told her, “My best friend!”

  Although there was more to it than that, I wasn’t lying to her.

  “Okay.” She said, sighing again.

  “Thanks Mom.” I said, “I’ll see you over summer break though, okay?”

  “Alright.” She said, “I’ll have to ask your dad if it’s okay with him, and if it’s not I’ll call you back. But I’m sure he’ll be fine with it too.”

  “Okay.” I smiled, “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Love you, James.”

  “Love you too.”

  I hung up the phone and threw my arms up excitedly.

  “Yes!” I exclaimed.

  “I’m so excited!” Ryan said, coming over to sit in my lap, “We’re gonna have a lot of fun.”

  I laughed suggestively. “What kind of fun?”

  He snickered and kissed me.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  .

  A week before spring break, Tanner called me up to invite me another party. I hadn’t been to any parties yet this semester, but my wild teenage party-animal demeanor had died down exponentially since high school graduation. For some reason, Tanner really wanted me to go.

  “Please, man? It’ll be so much fun! We haven’t hung out with you in forever!” He persuaded.

  “No, I don’t really feel like it.” I insisted.

  “Oh, come on!” He whined.

  I don’t know why he was so intent on getting me to join them. It was just another one of those fraternity rages with alcohol and half-naked girls and dancing. There would probably be some pot there too, which was definitely not my kind of thing. Tanner, Josh, and Ben would all be present at this party. And while it was true that I hadn’t hung out with them in a long time, there was a reason for that. They were starting to get on my nerves. More specifically just Josh and Tanner.

  “I’m just kinda tired, Tanner.” I lied, “I’m not really in the mood for a party.”

  “What can I do to get you to come with us?” He asked.

  I thought about it for a minute. It seemed like he wasn’t willing to give up any time soon. I don’t know why it was so important to him that I join the fun. Maybe Tanner was getting sick of Josh as well and needed another buddy with him. Josh was kind of an asshole sometimes.

  Since Tanner refused to let me miss out, I
decided hesitantly that I might as well just go. But I wasn’t about to pass up Tanner’s offer to do anything to get me to come.

  “Please, I’ll do anything!” He said.

  I came up with a brilliant plan. “Can I bring Ryan?” I asked.

  Tanner hesitated for a second. “Well... I don’t know, man. Are you sure he’d even want to come? I mean, I’m positive that he doesn’t know anyone that’s gonna be at this party. He’d just be hanging out with you the whole time.”

  “That’s fine with me.” I said.

  “I don’t know, James.” Tanner said, sounding uncertain, “Josh might not be okay with it. I mean this party is kind of exclusive. Josh only got permission to bring three or four people.”

  “So Ryan will be the fourth.”

  “Well, he’s bringing Cynthia too.”

  Surprisingly, Josh and Cynthia were still dating. It was odd that she hadn’t found out about him cheating on her dozens of times.

  “Can’t Ryan come?” I begged, “Please?”

  “Well... why?” Tanner asked.

  “Cause in my experience, whenever I go to a party with you guys, Josh ends up humping Cynthia on the dance floor, you end up getting wasted and hanging around every girl in the entire building, and Ben and I are always left alone.” I explained. I knew it was a bit harsh, but I didn’t really care. I was pissed, and he needed to know.

  “Oh come on, that’s not true.”

  “It is. So why don’t you do me a favor and let me bring another friend so that Ben and I actually have someone to hang out with.”

  I heard a sigh from the other end of the line. Finally, Tanner said, “Alright... I might have to clear it with Josh but I guess it’s okay...”

  I silently rejoiced.

  Later that night, Ryan and I headed up to the party. We were supposed to be meeting Josh, Tanner, and Ben there. So before we stepped inside, I took a minute to talk to Ryan.

  “Hey so... remember to act like we’re just friends.” I said, lowering my voice and trying to sound as sweet as possible, “I know it sucks and I’m sorry. But I’m not ready to tell these people yet.”

  I thought Ryan would complain and argue with me, but to my pleasant surprise, he simply nodded and said, “Don’t worry, I totally understand.”

  “Really?” I asked, taken aback.

  “Yeah.” He said, understanding my surprise, “I know I’ve been pushy. But I’m trying not to be because I know how hard this is for you.”

  I smiled. “Thank you, Ry.”

  “No problem. The point is...” He sighed. “I love you.”

  I felt my heart jump.

  “I love you, and I’m willing to wait for you.” He said.

  I couldn’t wipe the smile of my face. I felt an overwhelming relief. Although Ryan had already apologized for being so pushy, I’d still felt pressured for the last few weeks. But now that he’d really clarified that he was willing to wait, a huge amount of stress disappeared from my shoulders.

  I still hadn’t told him that I loved him, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that either. So instead of saying it, I held him close to me and said, “You’re the best.”

  He seemed more than satisfied with that.

  We entered the building and assumed the position of “just friends.” We kept our hands off of each other. We stayed at least a foot away from each other at all times. We kept our hands in our pockets. What I found to be the most difficult was trying to keep from staring at him, but I think I did pretty well.

  Immediately our ears were flooded with the loud bass of the music blasting from the main room. It was almost exactly the same as the party I’d gone to last semester. Dim lights, drunk dancers, hardcore electronic music. It was hard to have any kind of decent conversation in the main room since the music was so loud. But once Ryan and I headed into one of the smaller rooms, it was much easier to hear.

  I introduced him to a few people that I knew through Josh and Tanner. I kept introducing him as my “roommate,” and he seemed comfortable with that. Finally, I found Ben standing in a corner of the room. He had a drink in his hand that he wasn’t really drinking, and he was nervously talking to a pretty girl. I smirked.

  I didn’t want to interrupt so I stood with Ryan and watched Ben’s conversation with the girl play out. She didn’t seem too interested and ended up walking away with a friendly wave to him. Ryan and I approached him then.

  “So what she’s not into shy guys?” I asked Ben jokingly.

  “Guess not.” Ben sighed, taking a sip of his drink, “Thank God you’re here.”

  “How’s it been so far?” I asked, “We just got here.”

  “You know this isn’t really my thing...” Ben said, giving me a look that suggested Josh and Tanner had dragged him here.

  “Yeah me either.” I agreed.

  “Hey, Ryan!” Ben greeted, giving Ryan a slap on the back, “How’ve you been, man?”

  Ben was a million times nicer to Ryan than Josh and Tanner were. While Josh would constantly call Ryan a fag and refuse to be near him, Ben was always friendly. He definitely wasn’t a homophobe, and it made me feel a bit better about coming out to him.

  “I’ve been good, how are you?” Ryan asked.

  “I’m alright, I just hate parties like this.” Ben replied.

  “Where’s Josh?” I asked.

  “I think he’s... upstairs with Cynthia.” Ben answered, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

  “I didn’t need to know that.” Ryan interjected.

  I laughed in agreement.

  Behind Ryan, I saw Chelsea and Jared across the room heading over to us. I smiled. I didn’t mind them as much as I used to. They were some of the nicest people I’d ever met. Now that I was comfortable with my sexuality, I felt like I had some sort of bond with them since we were all part of the same community.

  Chelsea came over and tapped Ryan on the shoulder to surprise him. He whipped around and excitedly gave her a huge hug. He did the same for Jared who was standing right next to her.

  Before I knew what was happening, Chelsea then came over to me and gave me a one-armed hug.

  “Hey, James!” She greeted.

  “Chelsea.” I smiled, “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”

  “I know, huh!” She smiled back, but there was hint of mischievousness in her grin. She winked at me.

  Oh. She knows about me and Ryan.

  I winked back. Ryan probably told her that we were together, and that was completely fine with me. I didn’t know Chelsea very well, and she was bisexual so of course she wouldn’t be freaked out or anything. Plus, it wasn’t like she was gonna tell all of my friends that I’m gay. She didn’t even know any of my friends besides Ryan.

  “Hi James.” Jared said, giving me a wave.

  I waved back and smiled, trying to be as friendly as possible. I liked Chelsea and Jared. In fact, part of me wanted to be as close to them as Ryan was. I certainly preferred them to Josh and Tanner. I couldn’t even put my finger on why I was still friends with Josh and Tanner. Maybe if I just came out to them, they’d start ignoring me and I wouldn’t have to hang out with them anymore. Maybe telling them wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But I was still nervous, so I tried to keep from thinking about it for too long.

  In one of the rooms, there were three or four big tables set up. Somehow, we all ended up sitting at one of them. Me, Ryan, Ben, Chelsea, Jared, Tanner, Josh, and Cynthia. I guess Josh and Cynthia had... finished whatever they were doing upstairs. I cringed at the disgusting thought.

  Although we were all sitting at the same table, we all seemed to be separated into cliques. Chelsea, Jared, and Ryan were chatting away merrily, happy to see each other. Ben and I were sort of joining in on their conversation, while casually chatting on our own. Josh and Tanner were talking, and Cynthia was just sitting on Josh’s lap staring off into space like a ditzy doll.

  Finally Josh, who was sitting across from me, acknowledged my existence.

  �
�So James,” He said loudly over the chatter around us and the music coming from the other room, “I haven’t seen you in a while. What’s been going on?”

  I shrugged. “Not much. I’ve been busy with classes.” It was annoying trying to talk to him while Cynthia was sitting in his lap and stroking his hair.

  “How come you haven’t hung out with us in so long?” Tanner asked. He was sitting next to Josh like his little crony or something. I didn’t realize it until then, but I was starting to see both of them in a really negative way. I’d probably felt a bit upset with them ever since they said all those rude things about Ryan.

  If I’m gay, why am I friends with two giant homophobes?

  “I don’t know.” I said in response to Tanner’s question, “Just been busy, like I said.”

  “Busy hanging out with him?” Josh said sarcastically, pointing to Ryan.

  Luckily, Ryan was too busy chatting with Chelsea and Jared to notice Josh pointing at him. But that didn’t stop me from being pissed at Josh.

  “Dude, what’s your problem?” I asked, getting angry.

  Cynthia made a face at me, as if I were a freak or something.

  Josh laughed to himself. “I’m sorry, James. But I don’t see why anyone would wanna hang out with a gay guy all day. That’s just weird.”

  Jared heard that. “Why is that weird?” He asked Josh.

  Jared was usually quiet, and it was unusual to hear him speak so sharply to someone he hardly knew. I guess he was able to be loud whenever he needed to stick up for himself. I admired that.

  At Jared’s question, both Chelsea and Ryan tuned into the conversation as well.

  “What’s weird?” Ryan asked, confused.

  “Josh thinks it’s weird for me to be hanging out with a gay guy.” I explained, giving Josh a passive-aggressive look.

  “Is it a crime for me to think that?” Josh asked defensively, raising his voice and looking to Tanner for help, “I mean it is kinda weird!”

  “What’s so weird about it? Please, explain.” I said.

  “Cause he’s gay!” Josh laughed as if it should be obvious, “And you’re straight! I mean what does he do all day, shop? Listen to Lady Gaga? Fuck a bunch of guys in the ass?”