The Love We Breathe

by Adelia Everett

  At this point I couldn’t believe how rude Josh was being, saying all of this right in front of Ryan’s face. What kind of human being would be so rude? I doubted Josh was a human being at all.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Chelsea asked.

  “I mean, don’t get me wrong.” Josh said to her, “With you it’s kinda hot.”

  She looked absolutely disgusted.

  “I mean girl on girl isn’t gross at all.” Josh explained.

  “Hell yeah.” Tanner interjected.

  “But with you,” Josh pointed at Ryan, “And you,” He pointed at Jared, “It’s just disgusting.”

  “But what’s the difference?” Ryan asked, looking truly hurt. Although I’m sure he was used to this kind of verbal harassment, he still looked upset and that worried me.

  Josh struggled to find an explanation and Tanner struggled to help him. But they still somehow managed to appear smooth, as if hating gays was the coolest thing on the planet.

  “It’s just nasty!” Tanner said, “Why would you ever want to be gay?”

  “Well that’s the point.” Jared said angrily, “We didn’t choose it.”

  “Of course you did.” Josh laughed, “You are the one that wants to stick your cock up some other guy’s ass. It’s your choice!”

  That seemed to be the last straw for me. “Dude,” I said in a low growl, “Shut the fuck up.”

  Josh seemed surprised at me. I wasn’t sure why, since he’d heard me defend Ryan before. But he seemed to think it was absurd of me be on the “fag’s” side.

  “What’s your problem?” He asked me.

  I turned the question on him. “No, what’s your problem?”

  “Calm down.” Cynthia said in a stupid ditzy voice, laughing at me.

  “Oh, that’s helpful.” I said sardonically to her.

  “Here’s the thing, James...” Josh said, “Why don’t you just hang out with us more often, so the whole school doesn’t think you’re a fag too or something?”

  At this point, Ben spoke up. “Dude, Josh... that’s not cool.”

  I turned to Ben, who was sitting to my right. He seemed completely comfortable sticking up for me. I smiled at him gratefully and he gave me a look that suggested he knew who was right and who was wrong here.

  “James, you know what I’ve never understood?” Josh asked, “Why do you get so defensive when it comes to talking about gay guys?”

  “Because one of my best friends happens to be a gay guy.” I replied.

  “So you’d consider him your best friend?” Tanner asked, pointing to Ryan.

  Was that so hard for them to understand? It infuriated me that they weren’t able to look past Ryan’s sexuality. If they did, they’d be able to see what an amazing person Ryan truly was. He was so kind and sweet and so much fun to hang out with. He was understanding and kind-hearted. He was strong and confident without being cocky. He was everything I’d ever wanted in a person.

  I loved Ryan. Why shouldn’t I stick up for him? Why shouldn’t I defend him at all costs? If someone was harassing him, even someone that I previously considered a friend, I should be sticking up for him. He was my boyfriend, and I loved him.

  I love him. I love Ryan.

  It seemed so easy to realize. I’d probably loved him all along.

  “Actually,” I said, in response to Tanner’s question, “I’d consider him my boyfriend.”

  I heard Chelsea gasp and in the corner of my eye I could see Ryan looking at me, dumbfounded.

  I stared straight ahead at Josh and Tanner, looking at them with completely confidence even though my heart was about to explode with anxiousness.

  “What?” Tanner asked, looking confused.

  I didn’t know how else to explain it to them, and I kind of wanted to shove it in their faces. So instead of saying anything else, I turned to Ryan who was still staring at me with wide eyes. I leaned over and kissed him, right on the lips, in front of everyone.

  I got lost in the kiss, forgetting where we were for a second or two. I could tell Ryan was shocked, but he still kissed me back. It was much more than just a peck on the lips. I gently placed a hand on his face, caressing down to his neck. I felt him shiver and he grabbed my hand, still kissing me.

  We kept it brief, but stared at each other for at least five seconds after our lips parted. I felt the love through his eyes. He loved me, and I loved him too.

  Then I turned back to reality and faced the reactions of my peers.

  “What the fuck?” Josh exclaimed, nearly standing up and holding onto Tanner, as if he were about to fall over in shock. But he was smiling as if it were some hilarious joke. He and Tanner wore the same expression. Cynthia looked at me and Ryan in disgust and made a fake gagging gesture.

  Chelsea and Jared, on the other hand, looked completely enthralled. Chelsea smiled at me with admiration and Jared looked like he was about to squeal, as if our kiss had been the cutest thing he’d ever seen.

  My back was facing Ben, and I was too afraid to turn around and see his reaction. So instead I looked to Josh and Tanner. I gave them a look of confidence, keeping my chin up as if to ask, what?

  But inside I was thinking, what the hell did I just do?

  “Dude, that was fake right?” Josh asked, covering his gaping mouth with his hand.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “That was just a joke right?” He asked, “I mean you’re not really a fag are you?”

  I laughed at his stupidity. “I don’t exactly condone the use of that word, but yes I am gay.”

  I heard Ben chuckle beside me. I turned to him and saw him smile at me encouragingly. He gave me a look as if to say, you showed them. My heart swelled. It was good to have an understanding friend. I smiled back at him before turning back to Josh and Tanner.

  “You’re joking right?” Tanner asked.

  “Nope.” I said, smiling.

  “Ryan is your... boyfriend?”

  “Yes.” I clarified.

  “Yeah right.” Josh said, rolling his eyes, “You’re not a fag.”

  I laughed again. “Actually... I love him.”

  I saw Ryan exhale sharply out of the corner of my eye.

  “And if you don’t like it,” I continued, looking at Josh, “That’s your problem.”

  Although my eyes stayed locked on Josh, I felt Ryan take my hand. He squeezed it.

  “Dude, you’re seriously fucked up.” Josh said, laughing. He and Cynthia stood up, and Tanner followed suit, “Let’s get the fuck away from these fags.”

  “Is that the only insult you can come up with?” I asked.

  “Queer, fruit, homo, cock-sucker, butt-pirate, whatever you want!” He retorted.

  I simply laughed.

  “Let’s go, Ben.” Josh said, starting to walk away from the table.

  “No, I’m gonna hang with them.” Ben said.

  I smiled gratefully.

  “But...” Josh said, looking around at all of us, “They’re all gay...”

  I didn’t realize it until he said it, but it was true. Me, Ryan, Chelsea, and Jared were all gay. Well, Chelsea was bisexual but that still half counts.

  “Yeah and I’d rather hang out with them, thanks.” Ben said passive-aggressively.

  Josh snorted and the three of them walked away.

  Ryan immediately leaned into me. “Are you insane?” He asked.

  “I guess so.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with my Jamie?” He asked, smiling widely.

  “I’m still the same Jamie.” I said, “I just... got more confident, that’s all.”

  “Way to go, James!” Chelsea exclaimed, her eyes wide.

  “You guys are so cute!” Jared squealed.

  I turned to Ben. “Dude... thanks for sticking up for us.” I said.

  “James...” He said, “To be honest, I’ve been annoyed with Josh and Tanner a lot lately. And this just seemed like the last straw.”

  “But still.”
I said, “Thanks.”

  “I would never criticize you, man.” He said, “I mean... I had no idea you were gay at all. But even so, it’s alright with me.”

  I smiled.

  Ryan tapped me on the shoulder and motioned across the room. Josh was standing with a big group of people, some of whom I knew and some of whom I didn’t. He was talking excitedly and pointing in our direction with a look of disgust on his face.

  “I guess Josh decided to out you to the rest of the world.” Ryan said, looking apologetic.

  I shrugged. “Whatever. I’m sick of hiding anyway. He’s just getting the job done for me.”

  “Thanks, Josh!” Ben shouted.

  We all laughed.

  Ryan suddenly stood up. “James, come here.” He said, pulling me up with him and dragging me out of the room.

  “We’ll be back, I guess.” I said to the others.

  Ryan dragged me through the party, apparently looking for a quiet and private place where we could talk. Unsatisfied with all the rooms downstairs, he took me upstairs to one of the bedrooms. I felt a bit dirty, but I knew we probably wouldn’t be having sex up here.

  As soon as he closed the door he turned to me.

  “Did you really mean that?” He asked.

  “What?”

  “I mean... I won’t be upset if you didn’t.” He said, looking at the ground, “I was just wondering. When you said you loved me...”

  “Oh that?” I asked, “Yeah, I meant it.”

  He looked back up at me. “Really?”

  I grabbed his waist and pulled him toward me. He put his hands on my chest and continued to look up at me with wide eyes.

  “Ryan...” I said softly, leaning down to kiss him.

  It was a brief kiss, but it filled my heart again.

  “I love you.” I whispered in his ear.

  “James...” He whispered back. My name in that voice was almost too much for my heart to handle.

  We held each other for a moment, and I savored the feeling of his chest pressed up against mine and his hands caressing my neck.

  When he pulled away to look at me, I noticed that his eyes were watering slightly. I felt a pang of worry until I realized he was smiling.

  “I love you, too.” He said.

  I felt a huge grin spread across my face.

  “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that?” He asked me.

  I chuckled slightly.

  “I’m so happy, James.” He said, gazing into my eyes.

  “So am I.” I said.

  And it was true.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  .

  Before I had even gotten used to the fact that I was out of the closet at school, spring break rolled around. It was nice to be able to take a break from the random stares of students on campus who used to be my friends. But it was almost as if I didn’t really get a break. Here I was, about to dive into the fire and meet Ryan’s homophobic parents for the first time. The stress from school simply changed into a different kind of stress. A nervous kind. And that didn’t make me entirely excited for spring break.

  Ryan and I took the train to his parent’s house, which was roughly two hours away from our school. Well, it would’ve been two hours in a car. The train ride was much faster, which didn’t help calm my nerves at all. Ryan was somewhat helpful, half laughing at me for being so nervous and half comforting me. But his laughter made me laugh, and he ultimately did a good job of making me feel better.

  The big question still rolling around in my head was, why were his parents so permissive in letting me stay for spring break? If they were such big unsupportive homophobes, why would they allow their gay son’s boyfriend to stay over for a week? It was slightly confusing to me.

  Maybe it was just a trick. Maybe they were just acting nice, and then when I got there they’d murder me and skin me and crucify me.

  Okay, maybe that was a bit extreme.

  We finally arrived in Ryan’s hometown and exited the train station with our luggage in tow. His father was supposed to pick us up at the station, so Ryan and I found ourselves waiting in the parking lot for a few minutes. It was a dreary day with dark clouds above and icy wind that stung our cheeks. We kept each other warm with hugs until Ryan got scared that his dad might see.

  Finally, we saw a black SUV pull up and Ryan said, “There he is.”

  Ryan’s father pulled into a parking spot and put the car in park without turning it off. He stepped out of the vehicle and walked over to hug Ryan with a smile on his face.

  “Hey, buddy.” He said, giving his son a manly slap on the back.

  Ryan’s dad was a burly-looking man in his forties. He had a bald head, but wore a baseball cap to cover it. He wore a plaid red flannel, almost like a lumberjack. What a lumberjack would be doing in Southern California, I’m not sure. But he had a friendly smile.

  “Hey, Dad.” Ryan greeted. I noticed that he purposefully dropped his voice lower than it usually was. Was he trying to “act straight” for his dad?

  “And you must be James!” Ryan’s dad said, turning to me and thrusting out his hand for a shake.

  A bit surprised at his friendliness, I shook his hand and said, “Nice to meet you, Mr. McMahon.”

  He shocked me even more by saying, “No, please. Call me Tim.”

  We smiled at each other.

  “Well, let’s hurry and get in the car before it rains!” Tim said, opening the trunk of the car.

  While stuffing my suitcase in the trunk, I covertly gave Ryan a wide-eyed look with a hint of a smile as if to ask why his dad was being so nice. Ryan simply shrugged.

  Once we were all settled into the car with our seatbelts buckled and the heater blasting warm air into our faces, Ryan’s dad drove out of the parking lot and towards the direction of their home.

  “So how’s school been, you guys?” Tim asked, “Having fun?”

  I held in a snicker at his use of words. Ryan and I most certainly did have lots of fun at school. If you know what I mean.

  Ryan, who was sitting in the passenger’s seat, answered the question. “Yeah it’s been great. Not much has happened since winter break.”

  I was about to speak up and argue that lots of things had happened since winter break. For instance, we had officially started our relationship since then. But then I remembered that any talk about our relationship would probably make for an awkward conversation with Tim listening in. So I kept my mouth shut.

  “Still doing well in all your classes?” Tim asked Ryan.

  “Yeah pretty much.” Ryan answered. I knew it was a lie. He’d been getting poor grades in his chemistry class the last few weeks. There was no specific reason for it, he just hated chemistry.

  “What about you, James?” Tim asked, speaking up so I could hear from the backseat, “Doing well in school?”

  “I think so.” I answered. I was getting mostly good grades. I had a three-point-something at least.

  “What are you majoring in?” He asked.

  “I’m undecided at the moment.” I said, “But I might be majoring in business.”

  “Ah, see Ry?” Tim said, giving Ryan a manly punch in the shoulder, “That’s what you should major in. It’s so much more practical than that acting stuff you’re into.”

  Ryan merely snorted in response. I noticed that he tried his hardest not to flinch at his dad’s playful punch.

  I thought it was a bit rude of Tim to suggest that Ryan’s potential career choice was impractical. Ryan had always expressed a love for theater and performing arts. I didn’t know how good he was at acting, since I’d never seen him perform. But it shouldn’t matter how good he is or not. If he loves doing it, he should pursue it.

  I spoke up, sort of in Ryan’s defense, “Well I don’t necessarily want to major in business.” I said, “That’s just what my parents want for me.”

  “Oh.” Tim said, “Well what would you like to major in, then?”

  I thought about it
for a second but couldn’t come up with an answer. “You know, I’m really not sure.” I replied.

  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. There were so many different career options, and so many different majors to choose from. Yet I wasn’t sure which ones fit with me and which ones didn’t. I definitely knew that a business major wasn’t what I wanted, but that was the logical choice. Although Tim was wrong in his assumptions, he was right in suggesting that a business major was practical. But I didn’t want that kind of a career.

  “You could do something in photography.” Ryan suggested, “You always love to take pictures.”

  That was true. I was always getting out my camera and taking pictures of whatever appealing images I saw. Whether it was a nice sunset or a group of my friends laughing or just a picture of Ryan, I’d snap it to keep it in my memories. Truthfully, I knew nothing about professional photography at all. I didn’t have a great camera, or great editing software. I didn’t know the difference between pretty pictures and real, meaningful photography. But I could learn about all that stuff.

  “Yeah...” I said, “That’s actually a good idea, Ry.”

  After a few more minutes of random pointless talk about school, we pulled up in what I assumed to be Ryan’s driveway.

  The house was quite nice looking, with green paint on the exterior and a canary yellow door with a basket of red flowers nailed to the center of it. It would’ve looked better on a sunny day. The dark clouds overhead made the house look like it was trying to hard to be happy in a sad world.

  The lawn was nicely manicured and the rose bushes in front of the house were perfectly shaped. There was a basketball hoop in the driveway, but it looked rusted and old, like it hadn’t been used in many years. Perhaps Tim had tried to force a sporty side onto Ryan when he was a kid. The Ryan I knew today was far from athletic. In fact, he despised sports.

  “Welcome home!” Tim said as we exited the car. I wasn’t sure if he was saying it to me or to Ryan or to no one in particular.

  He popped the trunk and we lugged our suitcases out. Before we could even start heading down the brick path from the driveway to the front door, a woman who I assumed to be Ryan’s mother came out of the house with a big smile.