Leave Me Breathless

by HelenKay Dimon

  “For the record, I’m still lost.”

  The slow and halting speech gave him away. Ben had no idea what she wanted him to say.

  She tried the direct approach. “Scott insists you got kicked out of divorce cases.”

  “Didn’t happen.”

  The cotton sheet bit into her skin as the tip of her forefinger turned purple. “But something did.”

  “Honestly?”

  She was two seconds away from wrapping the sheet around his neck and forcing him to talk. “Uh, yeah, you should always assume I want the truth.”

  “It was not my strength.”

  He said something. She had no idea what. “In English and without the judge bullshit.”

  “I sucked at it.”

  The chuckle escaped before Callie could stop it.

  Ben shot her a dry look. “Thank you for being so supportive.”

  “I’m sorry.” Or she would be as soon as she the doubling over in laughter thing went away. When his scowl deepened, she snorted her amusement to a halt. “Lost control there.”

  “Really?”

  “It’s just so ridiculous. You are the judge stud. The idea of you not being up to the job doesn’t make much sense.”

  “The cases took me by surprise. I expected negotiations over the silver. I got multiday trials about who should have the kids ten minutes more than the other parent and how to divide holidays I’d never even heard of.”

  “Sounds hideous.”

  He folded his arms across his stomach. “And I’m making it sound good.”

  “But you’re talking about the type of cases, not how you were at making those decisions.”

  She tried to imagine him failing at his job and her mind shut off. She’d seen him in action. He controlled the people, the arguments, even the break times. The docket ran according to schedule and his demand for respect from everyone who appeared before him rang clear despite being the youngest judge on the bench.

  “I wasn’t married. Didn’t have kids. What the hell made me qualified to sit in judgment, dividing up stuff and time with kids and then forgetting all about the poor people the next day?”

  The man underestimated his skills. Most people would fall asleep or bang lawyers’ heads together. Not Ben. He remained cool at all times. “You can’t possibly know about all the stupid subjects that come before you now. I swear two lawyers argued about carpet for four hours the other day. You know a lot about carpet, do you?”

  Ben sighed in a way he viewed as indulgent and she viewed as condescending. “That was a contracts case about an expensive real estate development program.”

  She dropped the sheet from her hand. “Like I give a shit. I’m making a point here.”

  “So am I. I didn’t know shit about being in a family, so when it came time to deal with them I messed up. Every night I went home thinking I had sent kids to the wrong house or gave too much money here or there. Poor Emma got a near-daily earful about my hatred for the cases.”

  Callie heard every word. She focused on one. “You have a brother.”

  “What?”

  “How could you not know about being a family?”

  His mouth slammed shut. The free flow of words cut off. “You know what I mean.”

  “No, I don’t. I was an only child raised by a single mom with a dad who moved on before I was five, but I get family.”

  “This was about making decisions.” He tried to wave his hand in dismissal, but she caught it and held it to her chest.

  “Ben.”

  “What?” The snappy retorts returned.

  “What happened?”

  “I just told you I wasn’t good at the job.” Throwing his feet over the side of the mattress, he stood up and reached for his boxer briefs.

  The sudden distance echoed through every part of her. That wall of silence kept getting higher and thicker. Much more and she wouldn’t be able to see any part of him.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, dreading the answer.

  “I thought I’d go to the kitchen and—”

  Her heart detached from her chest and spun into free fall. “Run away.”

  His head shot up. “Excuse me?”

  She didn’t even have the emotional strength to poke at him. It took all her concentration not to curl into a ball. “Why won’t you tell me the truth? After everything that’s happened and all that we’ve shared, I don’t get it.”

  “Some things aren’t up for discussion.”

  The words battered and beat her. With careful movements she stood up, hoping her shaking legs would hold her. From the opposite side of the bed, she broached the one subject she hoped could be taken for granted.

  “What do you think we’re doing here, Ben?”

  His response came brisk and sure. “Dating.”

  That was a good start, but she had to be clear. Her heart staked everything on him. The risk of confusion and pain was just too great. “And?”

  He lifted his hands out to the side. “What?”

  “So, in your world we have sex and see how it goes.”

  His shoulders relaxed. “Exactly.”

  “That’s all I get.”

  “What else do you expect?”

  A future. A promise to try. A whisper of hope for something more. “Well not a proposal or—”

  “Good.”

  The punch knocked her off her feet. She sat down hard on the mattress before her knees collapsed. “Is this how you operate?”

  “I said I want to date you.”

  Shock gave way to bubbling fury. “Lucky me.”

  “What is the matter with you?”

  “Do you really want to know?” That flat affect suggested he didn’t, so she rushed to fill him in. “I love you, you dumbass. Through your stupid hoity talk and criminal stubbornness, I fell for you. I’m sitting here, for the first time ever, thinking about tomorrow and how you fit into that, and you’re talking about a few informal meetings for you to get your rocks off.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  Maybe it wasn’t, but she didn’t care. “Have you ever stayed with a woman past the initial sex stage?”

  He stood there, fallen mouth and dead eyes.

  “I’m guessing a woman starts making claims and getting to know you, and you move the fuck on.”

  “We’ve known each other for about two weeks and you want me to declare my undying devotion.”

  She did. Damn her, she did. “I want you to admit that I mean something to you.”

  “I said I wanted to date.” He made the pathetic offer through clenched teeth.

  Every day he showed her he cared. When it came to telling her his heart and letting her see how he became the man who stood before her, however, he backed off. It would always be like this. That’s the guy he really was. She would push and he would balk. If she wasn’t careful she’d be looking decades later for a tiny crumb of a commitment. She’d be Emma.

  “You’re worse than Mark.” Each word cut into her. “He doesn’t pretend to give a shit.”

  “That’s enough.” Ben whispered his order.

  “You give off the available vibe, but you are anything but. Whatever happened in your past, this precious information you can’t dare share, it’s warped you. Ruined you for a normal future.”

  “I said stop.” He rubbed his forehead as his voice increased in strength.

  Harsh accusations poured out of her. Every inch of her grew numb, but her mind threw out words and comments almost faster than she could say them. “You walk around seemingly together and complete, but inside you are in more pieces than Mark.”

  “Enough!”

  His wild shout rattled the walls.

  She clapped. “At last, a real emotion.”

  “This isn’t funny.”

  “No, Ben. It’s heartbreaking.”

  If possible his face closed up even more. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  The last tie of hope slipped away. Her stomach felt as
if it had been carved out and handed to her. “You said it. Only left one thing out.”

  His look became guarded. “What?”

  “Good-bye.”

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Mark burst into Ben’s office the next morning without knocking. “Why aren’t you answering your cell?”

  Not the person Ben wanted to see. Despite the nuclear fallout of an argument yesterday, Ben counted on Callie showing up with a cooler head. Act like a grown-up and talk the situation out. He had no idea what he’d say in response, but he’d forgive her. They could move on. They could get the relationship—yeah, he admitted there was one—back on track. Dating made sense. Proclamations of love he couldn’t handle. She loved an idea. One that existed for him in fairy tales but not in reality. His parents taught him that firsthand.

  In his head, all the pieces fit together in a neat bundle. But that didn’t explain why going even one day without seeing her ripped him apart. Two hours in, and he had not accomplished a single bit of work this morning. At every noise in the hallway he looked up expecting to see her in his doorway. When Elaine buzzed him with a call, he waited for Callie’s voice on the line. He never expected to miss that snide voice calling him names, but he did.

  She had spun a kind of web around him. No doubt about that. She had him wondering and questioning. Enjoying time together made sense to him. Love never entered the picture. Not that he consciously said no to the possibility. Ben wasn’t afraid of commitment and wasn’t the type of guy who needed a harem hanging on every word to stay happy. The thought of forever simply had never made sense to him. As a kid he saw the two people he trusted most betray each other. As an adult, he saw love rip Emma and Mark apart.

  Violence and pain. No wonder he never felt the temptation and tug of what others called love.

  None of that changed the facts, however. He missed Callie’s ridiculous comments. Hell, after just a few hours away he missed her to the point where his chest ached.

  And was not at all in the mood to deal with Mark’s barking. “The case is over. I can turn off my ringer and enjoy ten minutes of quiet if I want.”

  “Wrong.”

  Biting back a slam, Ben studied his brother’s face. For a guy who solved a huge case, he looked panicked. “What’s going on?”

  Mark stopped in front of Ben’s desk. “I’m not fucking around here. Where is she?”

  “Who?”

  Panic gave way to red-faced anger on Mark’s face. “Don’t be dumb. I’m talking about Callie. Your girlfriend. The woman you can’t seem to live without.”

  Mark’s assessment, even though he yelled it, brought Ben’s mental wanderings to a halt. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “Where. Is. Callie?”

  Damn, hearing her name made Ben’s stomach burn with the pain of loss. “I have no idea.”

  “Ben, now isn’t the time to play games. We have a serious problem.”

  He leaned back in his chair. “Tell me.”

  “It’s Scott.”

  Ben turned the phrase over, but it still didn’t make sense. “I need more than that to catch up here.”

  Exhaling two or three times, Mark visibly controlled his anger. “We took the security tapes back. Scott dropped off the note. Not just the first one. The second one.”

  The enormity of the words sunk in. “Scott threatened Callie?”

  “Scott is the one who convinced Rod to go upstairs to the office and wait for Callie. It looks like Scott set Rod up.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.” Not that the Rod connection fit together, either. Callie was right about that. Thinking about it, she seemed to be right about everything. He feared she saw through him, understood him better than he did.

  He couldn’t worry about that now. He had to focus in.

  Mark rested his hip against the side of Ben’s desk. “Does the last name MacAllister mean anything to you?”

  “Not other than it being Scott’s last name. Should it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Mark, just say what you have to say. If you have a clear question, ask it.”

  “You had a case when you started with the family law court. An ugly divorce. The dad had to pay a lot of money, claimed he couldn’t, and you threw him in jail for contempt.”

  “That happened more than once.” Memories of sad stories played out in Ben’s mind. Some fathers turned to lies to keep from paying alimony and child support. Never mind their kids didn’t have food or a safe place to live. These men just couldn’t tolerate the idea of giving over what they viewed as their money alone to their ex-wives.

  “Well, this time the guy was Scott’s dad. He claims the divorce broke him.”

  Ben searched his mind for details but couldn’t grab them. Except for the murder, no individual case stuck out. He had blocked out so much of that part of the job. Seeing pain in kids’ eyes reminded him of his own tortured childhood, and his mind shut off. He crammed down on his compassion and rushed decisions for fear of growing to care too much about the people who moved in and out of his courtroom with painful tales that grew worse with each hearing.

  When the administrative judge had offered a new assignment, Ben said yes before knowing what it was. “I hated that work.”

  “I’m not saying you did anything wrong. From a quick look at the file it appears Scott’s dad hid assets so the mother would get nothing. He cried poor, bankrupted his own company, and blamed his wife for ruining him.”

  “You mean his wife and me.”

  Mark rapped his knuckles against the desk. “My concern is Scott.”

  “Where is he?”

  “That’s the problem. I don’t know. When we stormed the elevators to grab Rod, Scott slipped out of the courthouse. No one has seen him since.”

  Ben sensed Mark held something back. Something huge and potentially awful. “Okay.”

  “No, it’s not, because I can’t reach Callie. Not at home. Not here. She was his final target, and she’s not responding to messages. Could she be at your place?”

  Guilt fell over him like a blanket. “She’s never been to my house.”

  Everything inside Ben slammed to a halt. Breathing. Thinking. Stupid worries about how to describe their relationship, what title to give it, slid away. All that mattered was her safety. He wanted her right there, with him, fighting and kicking. Suddenly, on the verge of losing her, he wanted her forever.

  “Ben, do you know where she is?”

  Ben looked at his brother, letting him see all of the pain and self-hatred there. “No.”

  Mark blew out a long breath. “Okay.”

  “You think…” The words stuck in Ben’s throat, refusing to form into the rest of the sentence.

  “Yeah, she’s in trouble. Big trouble.”

  Chapter Twenty-five

  For more than an hour, Callie ignored the constant ringing, first the home phone and then the cell. To get some needed peace, she threw her work phone in the toilet. Seeing Mark’s number in the window was just a reminder of all she’d lost. Like a kick to the stomach, she’d think of Mark and her mind would wander to Ben. Then the tears would start. She knew she’d move to the anger stage eventually. She was too busy drowning in loss and sorrow to get there just yet.

  Then she heard the insistent knocking. In her desperate haze, she stumbled to the door and opened it without thinking. Despite her vow to not care, she secretly hoped Ben would appear. That he had come to his senses and returned to grovel.

  She’d make him do it, too. Even if it turned out to be a fraction of her blinding pain, that worked for her.

  Instead, Scott. Door open. Her without a gun. Her brain in a funk. Tears still clogging her throat. She’d never been this vulnerable.

  Her mind scrambled to come up with a strategy. She pushed out thoughts of Ben and his stupidity, of her lonely future and the stretch of unemployment ahead of her. Everything, every second and ounce of strength, turned to Scott.

  Forget Rod. Her instinct
s had been right. Scott was the stalker. She saw the truth stamped across his face. From the thin line of his lips to the madness in his eyes, she knew with a dead certainty he wanted to hurt her so as to hurt Ben.

  She forced a lightness she didn’t feel into her voice. “Hi.”

  Scott looked older, meaner. More self-assured and less like the dedicated clerk who liked to chat with her in the afternoons between dockets. “May I come in?”

  She judged the distance between, then figured out slamming the door on his face wouldn’t work. Running past him screaming into the hall didn’t have much of a shot, either. Not before he lunged and she lost.

  “Of course.” She gestured for him to come inside.

  He took two steps and then turned to face her, his back to the door and his body blocking her exit. “You were a surprise.”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “His ties to Emma were pretty obvious.” He stood with his hands behind his back. The stance seemed casual, vulnerable even, but something in it telegraphed a preparedness for battle. A desire to engage and fight.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “They came to work together, went to dinner. Hell, good old Ben even chased away her fiancé to make room for himself. The stud judge was in fine form there. I know because I watched it all go down from the safety of my law school a few blocks away.”

  Not judge. Ben and Emma. From the timeline he referenced, Scott was coming unglued right before her eyes. It was as if evil walked in and wiped out everything good and decent. He sneered. His voice dripped with disgust. Even being younger, he scared the hell out of her. Crazy was hard to beat no matter the age and height.

  Callie decided to play dumb. Stall for time while she forced her head into the moment to come up with a solid plan. Maybe she could steer him toward the kitchen and make a run at the knives.

  Since she didn’t have anything else, she went for it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Scott’s head fell to the side. Then came the tsk-tsk sound. “We’re past this, don’t you think?”