“I was supposed to be there for you…and I ended up getting more stitches than you did. Some big brother I turned out to be.”
“You are not my brother! You don’t owe me anything, Kellan. And, you did help me. I did need stitches and I wouldn’t have got them without you. Thank you. Where did you get a fake ID?”
“I bought it from this guy at school, a while back.”
“Why do you need it?”
“To get in to bar…” he stopped, thinking better than to tell me he was drinking at 17.
“You drink?” I asked, not missing a beat.
“No, not really. But, I do like to go out with my friends, and sometimes we go to bars…and clubs,” he admitted, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to lie to me.
“Clubs? What kind of clubs?” I asked.
“Just…clubs. You know, to meet people.” He looked away.
“Meet people? Oh, you mean girls?”
“It’s no big deal.”
“It must be, if you need to be 21to get in. But, if you’re not drinking, then why go?”
“What are you, my mother?” he grinned.
“No, I’m just trying to figure out why you need an ID that says your 21 if you don’t drink. What else do they do at those clubs?” I asked, wondering what the big secret was.
“I don’t do anything…”
“But you go…with your friends?”
“Yeah, sometimes. I told you, it’s no big deal. Now, just drop it.”
“But, I don’t understand…” I pressed, wanting to know what the big draw was.
“We go for the girls…okay?” he snapped.
“Oh, so you go with girls? Do they have fake ID’s too?” I asked naively.
“No, we go to watch the girls that work there. Now, just drop it, okay?”
“What do you watch them do?” I asked, pushing him further.
“Abby, they don’t really…do anything, they just…they’re pretty.”
“They’re pretty? So, what? Pretty girls follow you around all the time. They flock to you, why do you need to go looking for them?”
“These are…older girls.”
“Older? You mean like Nancy?” I asked, feeling ill.
“NO! They’re, oh, Abby, just drop it. It’s not important.”
“It must be…”
“Abby, they’re topless…get it now?” he said, irritated at me.
“Topless? Oh, so you just want to see boobs?”
“Oh my God, I am not having this conversation with my little sister.”
“For the last time, we are not siblings. But, what’s so fascinating about boobs?”
“Drop it. This conversation is over, and frankly it shouldn’t have ever started. I’m sorry you saw the damned ID.”
I thought about him going to those clubs and watching half-naked women and looked down at my own chest. I was about as flat as a tortilla, and I wasn’t pretty. I didn’t know why, but I was jealous of those pretty, big breasted women that Kellan found so exciting. And, even though Kellan had told me time and time again that I was pretty, I knew he was just being nice. I wished, just once, that he really felt that way…that he thought I was pretty. As pretty as those topless girls he went to a lot of trouble to see.
KELLAN’S LAST YEAR AT THE FILBERT’S
Kellan’s last year at the Filbert’s was filled with ups and downs for me. On one hand, I was happy that he was escaping Nancy and Joe. But, on the other hand, I hated to see him go. I knew I was going to lose not only my best friend, but my only friend and those mixed emotions made my moods fluctuate constantly.
Nancy and Joe were spending more time away from home and as the weeks and months rolled by, Kellan and I found ourselves constantly alone. I didn’t mind, because when they were gone, they weren’t yelling at us.
I woke up feeling a bit different one morning a few weeks before Kellan’s 18th birthday. I was already feeling down because I knew he was going to be leaving soon. He had already graduated high school and I knew he was only sticking around on my account. He didn’t want to leave me, but I knew he was still dying to go and venture out on his own.
It was Saturday morning and even though I was almost fourteen, I still looked forward to Saturday morning cartoons. Kellan had spent most of the night with his current girlfriend. Joe and Nancy were gone, again. Kellan said they were out spending the money the state gave them to take care of us, and since they hadn’t bought anything for us in months, I tended to believe him.
My clothes were threadbare and my only pair of shoes had holes in the bottom. I dressed in a pair of jeans that I’d had so long, I finally grew into the length, but the pockets were hanging off the back and the hem was ragged, but they still fit my slim frame. I added an old t-shirt to my ensemble and headed into the kitchen to get something to eat before returning to my cartoons.
I stopped at the doorway to the kitchen when I saw Kellan rummaging through cupboards wearing just a pair of old shorts with no shirt. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes, I just watched him. I didn’t understand why, but I found I just couldn’t take my eyes off of him. His new girlfriend had him working out at their home gym and I watched as every muscle in his arms and back flexed as he opened each cupboard. After a few minutes, he slammed the last cupboard shut and swore under his breath.
“What’s wrong, Kellan?” I finally asked.
He turned toward me and said, “Those two are off gambling away our money and there’s not a scrap of food in the house to eat!”
“I think there’s cereal in the cupboard behind you,” I said, trying to soften his mood.
“Yeah, a stale box of generic cheerios, but there’s no milk.”
“Oh. Well, you’re going back to Brianna’s house aren’t you?”
“Yeah, but what are you going to eat?”
“I don’t need anything. I’m not really hungry. I don’t feel great, anyway.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know. My stomach hurts.”
He looked at my clothes and shoes and sighed. “This is ridiculous. Come on, you’re coming with me,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with him to his room.
He grabbed a shirt out of his closet and threw it on. “Where are we going?” I asked.
“We’re going to Brianna’s.”
“I thought you didn’t like me hanging around with you and your girlfriend.”
“Well, not always. But, I would like you to be able to eat.” He looked down at my shoes again and said, “When was the last time you got a new pair…or a new ‘used’ pair of shoes?”
“I don’t know. These are okay,” I said, not liking to complain.
“Let’s go,” he said, and once again pulled me along with him.
We walked down the street toward town. “I thought we were going to Brianna’s?” I asked when I noticed we were walking away from her house.
“We’re going shopping first.”
“Huh?”
“Just come on.”
He took me shopping and bought me a new pair of jeans and a couple new shirts.
“You don’t have to spend your money on me. I’m fine,” I said, trying to stop him from spending the money he made from his part-time job. I knew he was saving for college and I knew he hadn’t managed to save much since he was always buying groceries.
“Who else is going to do it!” he said through gritted teeth.
I didn’t say anything. I felt really guilty, but I knew there was no use arguing with him when he was in this mood.
“What else do you need?” he asked before leaving the girls department.
“I don’t need anything.”
“How about underwear?”
I blushed. “No, I’m fine.”
“Yeah, right. When was the last time…if ever, that Nancy bought you underwear?” he asked.
“She gives me her old ones,” I said, embarrassed.
“GROSS! And, they can’t possibly fit you,
” he walked over to the undergarment section and sighed. “I’m a little out of my element here.” He looked over at me, and said, “What do you weigh now?”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t weigh even close to 100 pounds yet.” He grabbed me around the waist and picked me up. “Maybe 80 pounds….I’m guessing.” He went back to reading underwear packages and said, “Here, this should do it.”
I took the package of pretty pink underwear from him and said, “You don’t have to do…”
“I think…” he interrupted me, but then stammered, “Um, it’s probably about time for…other kind of underwear…”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Maybe…a bra,” he said nervously.
I blushed bright red and turned away from him.
“Don’t be embarrassed. But, now I’m really out of my element…I know how to take them off,” he grinned, and then frowned. “But, buying them is a little out of my comfort zone.”
“I don’t need one.” I refused to turn around.
He ignored me and said, “Maybe I should call Brianna…”
“NO!” I said, finally turning to face him. “Please don’t do that.” I was mortified.
“Okay, okay. But, you’re almost 14, you should have…UGH! You need one…or two.”
“I’m fine,” I argued and started to walk away.
“Abby, I don’t want to embarrass you, and I know Nancy won’t buy you anything, but you need one. So pick one out. You can try it on in the dressing room. Don’t worry, I won’t go with you.”
I knew he wasn’t going to give up, so I grabbed one off the rack and said, “Fine, I picked one out, can we go now?” I was bright red.
“I don’t think that one’s going to fit.” He was shaking his head at me.
He started searching through the racks and an associate walked by, “May I help you?” she asked, looking at Kellan with a coy smirk.
“Yeah, that would be great. She needs a bra, and I have no idea what size…”
“Kellan!”
“You’re getting one. Either I’m going to pick one out…that you’ll hate, or you need to let her help you,” he stood there daring me to argue with him.
I finally nodded and he said, “I’ll wait for you in the shoe department.” He walked away and I looked up at the sales lady, not sure what to say.
“Well, let’s see. I’ll bet you’re about a 32A, let’s start there,” she said, rummaging through the racks and handing me a handful of different bras.
“Any one is fine.”
“You should try them on, bras are all different. You’d be surprised,” she said, handing me a few more. “Um, who was the guy with you? Your brother, maybe?” she asked.
“Sort of,” I said, still mortified, and in no mood to explain my and Kellan’s unusual relationship.
“Is he seeing anyone?” she asked.
“Yeah, he has a girlfriend.”
“Oh, too bad. He’s gorgeous.”
I looked up at her and said, “That’s what his girlfriend says. Can I go now?” I asked, picking out two bras I thought were pretty.
“Are you sure that you don’t want to try them on?”
“I’m sure. They’ll be fine.”
“Okay. My name’s Misty if your brother asks,” she smiled.
“I’ll be sure to tell him,” I sighed and walked toward the shoe department, while doing my best to roll the two bras into an indistinguishable clump of fabric.
“Did she help you?” Kellan asked.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“What do you mean, you guess?” he asked.
“She was more interested in you, I think.”
“What?”
I sighed and said, “She said to tell you her name’s Misty and she thinks you’re gorgeous.”
“Great, did she help you find a bra, though?” he asked.
“Yes. Now, can we go?”
“Not till you pick out some shoes.”
“Kellan, you’re already spending a fortune. I don’t…” I saw the look again; I sighed and said, “Okay, I’ll find a pair.”
We finally left the store after he had spent a fortune on me.
“You can change into your new clothes when we get to Brianna’s house.”
“Okay,” I said. I stared up at him and said, “Thank you for the clothes and the shoes…and stuff,” I blushed again.
“You’re welcome. I um, I wanted to tell you something…” he sounded sad, and I knew what was coming.
“You’re leaving, huh?” I asked, trying my best to keep the tears at bay.
“Yeah. Brianna and I are moving in together…” he said, but stopped, like there was more bad news coming, but he didn’t want to tell me.
“And?” I asked, afraid to hear, but needing to know.
“We’re starting college in the fall…in two months.”
“Okay?” I said, still knowing there was more.
“We’re going to Yale,” he said, knowing it was going to kill me.
“Yale?” I said, the tears starting.
“Don’t cry. I’ll visit…as much as I can. And you can call me anytime. Brianna’s parents are leasing her a house, so I won’t have to worry about rent…”
I tried to stop crying, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to leave, but I knew it was going to happen. But, as hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop crying. The tears were pouring down my face and finally he stopped walking and hugged me. We sat down on the curb and he said, “I swear I’m not leaving you. I love you…you know that right?”
I looked up at him, “You…love me?” I asked.
“Of course I do. I know I’ve always said that we’re not siblings, but I love you as much as I would if you were my real sister.”
“Oh,” I said, sniffling.
“I promise that you’ll be able to get a hold of me…I swear it! I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t pass up this opportunity. I got a scholarship…to YALE!” he almost shouted.
I knew he was right. He worked very hard to get exceptional grades and he deserved to go, so I forced myself to stop crying and hugged him.
“Just don’t forget about me. I want you to go, really,” I lied.
“I’m going to get another part-time job and I’ll send you money…you know, so you can buy…stuff, when you need it. Okay?”
“I don’t want your money, Kellan. I want you to be happy. I’m happy for you, really,” I smiled.
“You deserve to be happy, too. I wish I could take you with me…” he sighed. “I really hate leaving you here…with them!”
“I was fine before you got here, I’ll be fine when you’re gone. In another…four…years, I get to leave, too!” I almost faltered when I said the word ‘four,’ realizing that was a long time with the Filbert’s without having Kellan to stand up for me and pick me up when I fell.
He stood up and offered me his hand to help me up. I felt funny again, just not right. My stomach felt weird, but I sloughed it off as being heart-broken over losing my only friend.
We made it to Brianna’s house in a few minutes, both lost in our own thoughts. When Brianna opened the door she lunged at Kellan and jumped into his arms.
“I missed you!” she said, obviously thrilled to see him.
They kissed for a few minutes, while I stared at the ground. Finally, a man came to the door and cleared his throat.
“Sorry, Daddy,” Brianna said, grinning.
“We were just sitting down to lunch. Why don’t you…” he stopped when he saw me and said, “You must be Abby. I’m Dave, Brianna’s dad. Come on in.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“We’ve heard a lot about you. Kellan’s very proud of you,” Brianna’s father said, leading me through their elegant home.
“Abby, why don’t you go change?” Kellan said, handing me the bags of clothes he bought for me.
“Oh, okay,” I said, looking around, not sure where the bathroom was.
&nb
sp; “It’s down the hall and to your right,” Brianna said, smiling at me. She was always nice to me and she obviously adored Kellan. And as nice as she was to both of us, I still couldn’t find it in my heart to like her. I didn’t know why, but I hated it when she kissed him, hugged him, touched him…or was even anywhere near him.
“Thanks,” I said and wandered down the hall.
I was still feeling strange when I headed into the bathroom. I stripped off my old ratty T-shirt and put on one of the new ones and then pulled off my old jeans and underwear and noticed blood in my panties. As I stared down at the bright red blood, I started to panic. I sat down on the toilet and relieved myself only to find more blood on the toilet paper. I sat there, terrified, not knowing what to do.
I had no idea what was wrong with me, and other than Kellan, I had no one to ask. I didn’t feel comfortable telling Kellan what was wrong with me…especially since I didn’t know what was wrong. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I really didn’t have anyone else. My stomach really hurt now, pain coming in waves. I wadded up some toilet paper and stuck them back in my old underwear, not wanting to get my new underwear dirty. Then I slipped back into my old raggedy jeans and sat down on the closed lid of the toilet. I sat there for a while, not sure what to do. I wanted Kellan, but I was too embarrassed to tell him what was wrong.
I must have been in there for a long time because Kellan finally came knocking on the bathroom door, “Hey, what are you doing in there? You’ve been in there for almost 30 minutes. Are you okay?”
The second I heard his voice, I started to cry. “I’m okay…” I sniffled.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Noth…nothing,” I sobbed.
“Open the door…you’re scaring me, now,” he ordered.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to stop the tears.
“Abby, open the door, NOW!” he shouted.
“Is she alright?” I heard Brianna ask him.
“I don’t know. She won’t open the door.” He yelled at me again, “Abby, open the door, now…please.”
“We have a key. I’ll go get it. Maybe I should talk to her,” Brianna said.
“Yeah, maybe,” he said, staring at the closed door.
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