“Hi Jeannette, how are you?” I asked.
“I’m great now that I have Tyler!” she said, letting me know in no uncertain terms that she had laid claim to him.
Tyler took my arm and said, “Jeannette, I’ll be right back, okay?”
She nodded but didn’t look too happy that we were going off on our own to talk.
“Congratulations Tyler. I um, I’m going to miss you next year. So, are you going to Seattle?”
“No, it just wouldn’t be the same…without you, even though you didn’t want to go.”
“I think you should go. It’s what you always wanted. I’ll miss you,” I said with tears starting. “…but please don’t give up your dream because of me.”
“I don’t know…I’ll think about it. I have a few weeks before I have to decide. You must be excited; he’ll be here in less than a week, won’t he?”
“Three days,” I said softly.
“I meant what I said, I’ll always love you. If you ever need me, for anything…”
I hugged him and said, “Thank you. Be happy, you deserve it.”
I walked away and Jeannette immediately ran to Tyler’s side. I looked back and she had thrown herself in his arms and was kissing him. I guess he wasn’t going to have to wait too long for her to be ready, if he had waited at all. I thought I would be jealous, but I wasn’t. I hoped he was happy, but as I turned around one last time to wave, he was still staring at me and Jeannette looked very irritated. She was a cheerleader with a bad reputation, and I hoped he knew what he was doing. Something told me they wouldn’t last.
“How were your finals?” I asked Kellan the night before he was flying home.
“Fine.”
“Just fine, or did you ace them like you usually do?” I said, knowing he had.
“I did okay,” he said quietly.
“What time does your flight get in?” I asked Kellan that night.
“Three-thirty. Abby, we need to talk…”
“Don’t you dare start with me. Please, don’t tell me that you’re going back on your promise.”
“I…I just want to talk.”
“Okay, but you’re not going to change my mind, if that’s what you think.”
“No, I’ve given up on that. You’re even more stubborn than I am.” He sounded different, worried. Neither of us said anything for a minute and I wondered why he sounded so odd.
“Kellan, you do want to be with me, don’t you?” I realized I had never given him the option, I just assumed he wanted me. I sat there shaking, waiting for his reply.
When he didn’t say anything, I said, “Was I wrong? Did I just want you so badly that I imagined you watching me…staring at me? Oh, God…” I was suddenly terrified that I was doing the same thing to him that Tyler had done to me.
“No, Abby. You didn’t imagine it. I guess we can talk later. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Kellan?”
“Trust me, Abby. I want you. It’s just…”
“It’s just, what?”
“I’ll see you tomorrow. I have a car reserved, so you can let the cab driver go once he drops you off, okay? Or, I can just come pick you up.”
“I’ll be there. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
I lied in bed wide awake most of the night. I was usually asleep the second my head hit the pillow, but now I was worried. Had I pressured Kellan into doing something he didn’t want? I thought back to our week together and knew I didn’t imagine it. He looked at me like Tyler did. He just always turned away when I glanced back at him. I still didn’t understand why he finally agreed to my deal, but at the time, I was so relieved and happy, I didn’t think to question it. Why would he agree to sleep with me if he didn’t at least feel some romantic interest in me? “I’m not imagining it! I’m not!” I said out loud and sat up in bed, convinced that Kellan really did want me.
“I’m just checking on you. I thought you had a bad dream,” Joe said from the corner of my room.
I screamed, terrified. I had no idea he was in my room. “What are you doing in here?” I asked, my heart beating a mile a minute. I was wearing one of Kellan’s skimpy t-shirts again and realized I was on top of the blankets. I quickly pulled the old ratty comforter over me.
“I told you, I thought you had a nightmare. I was just checking on you.”
“You have to be asleep before you can have a nightmare. Please leave! I’m fine.”
“Yeah, okay. Goodnight, Abigail.”
I shivered at the thought of him watching me. I guess Tyler was right, I needed to tell Kellan. I got out of bed and pulled the flannel pajamas out from my drawer and put them on in place of Kellan’s shirt. I got back into bed and held Kellan’s shirt close to me, wishing he was there.
“I miss you, Kellan. I love you.” I turned over and closed my eyes, willing myself to go to sleep.
A HARD PROMISE TO KEEP
His flight was right on time, and I told myself this time I was going to be mature and not throw myself into his arms, like usual. Yeah, well, that idea went out the window the second I saw him.
I squeezed him tight, refusing to let go.
“Abby, we’re blocking the gate,” he grinned down at me.
“I don’t care. You’re home and I’m not letting you go!” Yeah, that was subtle.
He actually threw his carry-on bag over his shoulder and picked me up and carried me out of the line and set me down carefully next to baggage claim.
I refused to let go even though he had set me down. He smiled down at me and said, “How could you have possibly gotten even more beautiful in only seven weeks?”
“I grew up. You just weren’t here to notice.”
“Believe me, I’ve noticed.”
I smiled up at him and said, “It’s about time.”
He shook his head and before long we were in his rental car and he was driving toward my house.
“So, how is Tyler?” he asked.
“He’s fine, I guess. I went to his graduation, and he had a date with him.”
“That’s good, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“What does that mean? Were you jealous?”
“No! I was happy for him, until I realized he doesn’t want her.”
“How do you know?”
“She’s um, well…she was all over him, continually hanging on him, but he didn’t seem at all interested in her,” I grinned and then looked up at Kellan. I started to laugh when I realized I still hadn’t let go of Kellan since the moment he landed.
He grinned and hugged me back. “Trust me, Abby, I’m interested. We still need to talk, though.”
“Okay, but something tells me I’m not going to like it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going back on my promise. If that’s what you still want?” he asked.
“Yes, I love you, Kellan. I’ve always loved you.”
“That’s not true. As I recall, we fought like cats and dogs for the first two years at the Filberts.”
“Yeah, but that’s because we were kids.”
“And you hated me!”
“No more than you hated me,” I laughed.
“I hated everyone back then, Abby. I didn’t trust anyone…I had no reason to.”
He pulled into my driveway and turned off the ignition. I started to get out but noticed he was staring straight ahead making no move to get out of the car.
“What’s wrong?”
“I told you, we need to talk. And, this is hard for me,” he said, while clenching the steering wheel with white knuckles.
“Okay, come inside and we’ll talk.”
“I’m not coming inside.”
“What?”
He turned to face me and said, “I can’t stay here for the summer, Abby. I won’t stay with them ever again. I wish you didn’t have to, but there’s not much I can do about that until you’re 18.”
“They’re gone for the weekend, as usual. The
y won’t be back until Monday night. We have the house to ourselves…” I said and blushed.
He looked over at me and I felt the blush spread throughout my face and chest. “I know what you want, Abby, but I just can’t…”
“You said you hadn’t changed your mind…you promised.”
“You didn’t let me finish. Did you honestly think we were just going to jump into bed together? Do you think that I’d take advantage of you like that?”
“That’s exactly what I thought. How can you take advantage of me if I’m more than willing…?”
“Abby, look…I know you think you want…me, but…”
“Stop saying that. I don’t think anything. I know I want you. I tried everything I could think of when you were here over spring break to make you see that…make you notice me. I guess I wasn’t very good at it…”
“So, you were expecting me to sleep with you…here…tonight?”
“Yes,” I said honestly and slid over closer to him, wishing he’d stop talking and finally kiss me. I reached up and gently touched his face, “I love you, Kellan. Believe me, it’s real.”
He pulled back and said, “Sit up Abby, please. I can’t talk to you when you’re this close to me.”
“In case you haven’t figured it out, talking isn’t what I had in mind.” I blushed again, but I didn’t care. I was dying for him to touch me, kiss me.
“Stop!” He sighed and turned to face me. “Okay, I know what I promised you…and I’m going to keep my promise…”
I slid back over to him.
“NO! Stop and listen to me.” He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to focus on whatever it was he was trying to tell me.
“I’m listening,” I said, stung by his rejection.
“Abby,” he turned toward me, “You said that you’ve had these feelings for me for a long time, right?”
“Yes, for the last three or four years. I told you…”
“I know. So, the idea of…us, is something you’ve thought a lot about, right?”
“That’s all I think about.”
“Well, these feelings are new to me. I need a little time to catch up. I know that I promised you that we’d…sleep together,” he swallowed hard. “But, I just can’t jump into bed with you right now. I have a plan…but, you’re going to have to be willing.”
“What sort of plan?” I asked, worried now that I’d never have him.
“We’re going to take things slow.”
“Kellan, we’ve known each other for years…”
“Yeah, but up until last April, I still considered you my little sister.”
“I’m not…”
“I know you’re not my sister, I know we’re not related, I know you’ve grown up…and I know that I have…feelings for you. But I need time to adjust to this. You’ve had three years to come to terms with it. I’ve only had a few weeks. Let me get to know you, okay?”
“It’s not like we’re strangers, we’ve known each other for years.”
“I need some time, Abby.”
“How much time?” I asked suspiciously.
“I don’t know. I can’t answer that.”
“Kellan, are you just trying to get out of it? If you don’t want…”
He put his finger to my mouth and said, “Believe me, I don’t want to get out of anything. I told you, I just need to get to know you…as a young woman. I know the little girl, and I’ve loved her for years. Let me get to know the young woman now, please?”
I nodded. “You’re not just trying to stall?”
“No, I just want to take it slow.”
“Okay. So, then what do we do now?” I asked, knowing what I wanted and thought we’d be doing at that moment.
“We…date,” he said and looked away.
“Date?”
“Yeah, it’s not an uncommon practice. In fact, that’s how most relationships start,” he said with a grin.
“So, you want to date…first?” I asked, as if this was a foreign idea.
He smiled, “Yeah, why is this so surprising?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t think you’d want to date me…” I said, knowing that was ridiculous.
“So, you thought that the only thing I’d want from you was sex?” he asked, irritated.
“No, that’s not it. Until spring break, I never thought you’d want me for anything…”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, because I was a skinny, gangly, ugly kid.”
“So, you think the only reason I want you now is because the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan?”
“Isn’t it? I mean, I know you’ve always loved me…no matter what I looked like…but you never looked at me before like you looked at me that first night you came back home.”
“You’re right. I can’t take my eyes off of you. But, you’re wrong, too. I never thought of you as the ugly duckling, Abby. I just always thought of you as my kid sister. And, no matter how beautiful you are, I never would have pushed for anything more than what we’ve always been. I’m sure I would have wanted you, but I would have never made the first move…or any move.”
“So, you really don’t want…me?” I said, and looked down.
He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes and said, “I’ve never wanted anyone more, because not only do I see how beautiful you are on the outside, I know how beautiful you are on the inside. I was mesmerized when I saw you at the restaurant that night. You’re perfect Abby, and I fought it so hard because I know you deserve better.”
“There is no one better, Kellan. There never will be,” I said with tears in my eyes.
“Well, if you still want to go through with this…”
“I’m going to hold you to your promise,” I said emphatically.
“Okay then, Abby, would you like to go out with me tonight?”
I smiled up at him and said, “I thought you’d never ask. What time should I be ready?”
“I’ll be here at 6:30.”
“What should I wear?”
“We’re going to that new Italian restaurant we talked about last time I was here.”
“Okay, I’ll be ready. But, where are you going?”
“I um, I rented an apartment for the summer. It’s just a few blocks over.”
I sighed, “I really wanted you to stay here.”
“I know, but from this moment on, we’re dating…and we’re taking things slow. I’ll pick you up and I’ll bring you home.”
I sighed, “You’re going to stretch this out all summer, aren’t you?”
He walked me to my door and looked at me, scanning me from head to toe and said, “Believe me, I don’t want to wait any more than you do.”
“Then, why are we?” I asked again, knowing I was going to get a lecture. I was wrong.
“Because, I can’t screw this up, you’re too important to me.”
I reached up and hugged him, “I’ll be ready at 6:30.” I pulled back and looked at him, “And, Kellan…you can’t screw it up, because I couldn’t possibly love you any more than I do now.”
“Don’t be so sure, I’ve screwed up every relationship I’ve ever been in.”
“No, you haven’t. I’m still here.” I touched his cheek softly before he got back into his car and I watched him drive away.
DATING KELLAN
True to his word, he was at my door at 6:30 on the dot.
“Hi,” I smiled when I opened the door.
“Abby, what are you wearing? Are you crazy…do you know how many men…?”
“Kellan!” I interrupted. “I thought this was a date?”
“It is but…”
“So, would you normally yell at your date about what she was wearing?”
“No, sorry.”
“Good, so then, we’re going to start over. I’m going to close the door and you’re going to knock and when I open the door…”
“I get it, I’ll try to remember it’s a date.”
I sm
iled at him and closed the door. He knocked and when I opened the door again, I smiled and said, “Hi.”
“You look incredible,” he grinned, trying to make up for yelling at me.
“Thank you.” I grabbed my bag and closed the door behind me.
The Italian restaurant was beautiful and the food was exceptional. The waitress was a little too friendly, but Kellan never took his eyes off of me.
He was fidgeting a lot, and not acting quite like himself. I stared at him and finally said, “Kellan, you act like you don’t know me. You can’t be nervous, it’s just me.”
He looked me in the eye and said, “I know it’s you, that’s why I’m nervous.”
“How can I possibly be making you nervous?”
“Actually, I’m not nervous…I’m terrified.”
“Of what?” I asked, confused.
“Abby, aren’t you worried about…us? What happens if this doesn’t work? What happens to us?”
“What do you mean?”
“If this goes any further, and we fail…as a couple, then what happens? I can’t lose you. You and I, we’re all we have,” he said, looking as terrified as he said he was.
“Then, I guess failing isn’t an option.”
“You’re the only person I’ve ever been able to count on, Abby. You’re the only person who loves me for me. We’ve been there for each other for over seven years now. That’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone.”
I thought about what he said and reached out and took his hand. “Kellan, our relationship has already changed.”
“It’s not too late though…we haven’t messed it up with sex…yet.”
“Is that what you think’s going to happen? We’re going to sleep together and then what, hate each other?”
“It’s not crazy, Abby. It happens…all the time. I’m not sure I’m willing to risk losing you by sleeping with you. I don’t want to hurt you,” he said honestly.
“The only way you can hurt me, is if you stop loving me. I know you haven’t said you’re in love with me, but I do know you love me.”
“Of course I love you.”
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