Diary of Dorkius Maximus in Egypt

by Tim Collins

  ‘No,’ I gasped. It was hard to talk with the brute’s hand crushing my neck. ‘But it’s not important. You can go and ask Caesar about the orders if you don’t believe me.’

  A few minutes later, Mightius skulked back in. Looking down at his feet, he muttered, ‘Caesar wishes it to be known that he has very important business to attend to, so he’ll be relaying all his instructions through Dorkius Maximus from now on.’

  All the soldiers looked at each other in shock. I’d like to say that I acted like a noble Roman and showed no emotion, but actually I grinned from ear to ear.

  Mightius should just count himself lucky I didn’t suddenly remember that Caesar had appointed him as my new footrest.

  October V

  Our soldiers have barricaded the gates of the palace and are standing in rank behind them, ready to defend it when Ptolemy’s army attacks.

  This afternoon, a chant of ‘Romans out,’ started up from the street outside the South Gate. I rushed to Caesar’s room, and found him rubbing noses with Cleopatra. Sure enough, I felt my cheeks heating up.

  ‘There’s an angry mob outside the South Gate,’ I said. ‘What should we do?’

  Cleopatra turned to me. ‘Go up the steps to the right of the gate. You’ll come out on a balcony overlooking them. Explain that I’ve taken over as pharaoh, I’m sure they’ll be fine with it.’

  I did as she said and found myself on a balcony looking down at the crowd. There were a group of men and women jeering and chanting.

  ‘Coo-ee!’ I shouted. ‘Up here!’

  The crowd fell silent and looked at me.

  ‘Who are you?’ asked a man wearing a small round cap on the top of his head.

  ‘I’m Dorkius Maximus of Rome.’

  ‘Go home!’ yelled a woman. ‘We want King Ptolemy. Is it true that you meddling Romans have kicked him off the throne and replaced him with his sister?’

  The protesters BEFORE I spoke

  ‘Sort of,’ I said. ‘But Cleopatra’s much nicer. We did you a favour.’

  ‘We don’t want any favours from Romans,’ shouted a man with a long, black beard.

  A huge cheer went up from the crowd.

  ‘Yeah,’ said the man with the cap. ‘You don’t even worship proper gods with animal heads.’

  A boo went up from the crowd.

  ‘Guys, let’s all take some time out,’ I said. ‘We’re having a period of transition, but I can assure you we Romans have your best interests at heart.’

  I smiled at them, and popped back down the stairs. I’m pretty sure that did the trick.

  October VI

  I popped up to the balcony this morning to check everyone had gone. I found myself looking at an angry crowd that filled the entire street.

  The protesters AFTER I spoke

  ‘Come on guys,’ I said. ‘Like I explained yesterday, everything’s going to be fine.’

  ‘We want Ptolemy back,’ shouted a man with a bald head and ebony skin.

  ‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘Did you ever actually meet him?’

  ‘It’s got nothing to do with you, Roman rat,’ shouted a woman with braided hair. She tossed a squidgy green fruit at me. It splattered on my tunic with a rotten whiff.

  A huge cheer went up from the crowd and a torrent of stinky fruit pelted me. I covered my head and ducked back to the stairs.

  Linos noticed the fruit stains on my tunic, so he’s taken it away to wash in wee. He’s set up a laundry in one of the banqueting halls and is collecting all the palace wee pots.

  ‘It’s just common sense,’ he said. ‘The palace washerwomen left with Ptolemy, and the wee pots weren’t getting emptied, so it seemed like the obvious thing to do. Plus, it was a shame to see all that wee going to waste.’

  October VII

  This morning I was woken up by something that sounded like a monster beating its fists against the South Gate.

  I peeked out through one of the windows and saw a group of soldiers holding a battering ram. Ptolemy was standing next to them. Behind him, rows of troops with large wooden shields lined the street. Some were carrying axes, while others held slings and large stones.

  The battering ram thudded again, but the gates held firm. We were safe inside the palace for the time being, but I had no idea for how long.

  I ran into Caesar’s room. Cleopatra was helping him arrange flowers in a ceramic pot.

  I decided it would probably be better for morale if I didn’t tell our soldiers what their leader was up to.

  ‘Ptolemy’s outside with his troops,’ I said. ‘What should we do?’

  ‘Ignore him,’ said Cleopatra. ‘It only makes him worse if he knows he’s annoying you.’ Caesar went back to his flower-arranging.

  ‘This is not a family squabble,’ I said. ‘This is WAR! We need to do something.’

  ‘Fine,’ sighed Cleopatra. ‘Here’s a message. Dear Ptolemy, you’re a rancid little burp, who has no more right to the throne of Egypt than a locust. You’ve always loved stealing my things, but I won’t let you steal my country. So why don’t you wander off into the desert and die like the spiteful little jackal you are?’

  I jotted the message down on a scroll and made my way up to the balcony.

  The battering ram was still pounding into the door below me. When he saw me, Ptolemy lifted his hand and the soldiers stopped.

  ‘Don’t tell me they’ve sent you, Dorkius,’ he said. ‘They must be getting desperate.’

  ‘I bring a message from your sister,’ I said.

  I held up my scroll and cleared my throat.

  ‘Let’s see what the old cow has to say for herself,’ said Ptolemy, and as he spoke, he stepped aside to reveal a huge wooden catapult. He nodded at a soldier next to him, who placed a large rock on it.

  I looked down at the words I’d scrawled and felt my pulse beating faster. This time it wasn’t a fruit that was going to get splattered. It was ME.

  ‘She says she likes you very much and wants to thank you for coming to see her,’ I said. I rolled the scroll up again.

  Ptolemy folded his arms. ‘So she’s going to let me back on the throne, then?’

  ‘Not as such,’ I croaked. ‘In fact, she’d quite like it if you went away.’

  Ptolemy nodded and the soldier next to him released the catapult. I threw myself to the floor.

  The rock smashed into the wall above me and bounced back down to the ground. Someone below cried in pain.

  I crawled back along the balcony on my hands and knees, threw myself down the stairs and landed in a heap at the bottom.

  A few of our soldiers spotted me. They sniggered as I tumbled into view and landed on my head. At least I know I can raise morale with personal injury. I could always chop a limb off if things get worse.

  October XIII

  Ptolemy’s forces have been bombarding the palace for almost a week now. Many of the columns have collapsed, and some of the rocks have reached as far as the gardens. If Ptolemy goes on destroying the palace at this rate, I’ll be surprised if he wants it back.

  Mightius has gathered all the remaining food supplies in the throne room and is giving everyone really lame rations.

  All I got for lunch was a slice of stale bread. I tried sneaking back to grab another piece, but General Mightius stopped me.

  I spent the rest of the day looking round the pantries for spare scraps. I spotted a jug of milk in one of them, so I took a swig. It tasted very strange, almost as if someone had mixed it with soap and grit.

  Then I remembered what Suti had said and spat the foul liquid out. This was Cleopatra’s bath milk.

  EEEWWWW!!!

  October XV

  Cleopatra was furious this morning. She had given me one of her headdresses to wash and I gave it back smelling of wee.

  ‘Have you had an accident on this, Dorkius?’ she asked.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘It wasn’t an accident. We often clean clothes with wee back in Rome.’

  ‘You lot are
weird,’ said Cleopatra.

  She thinks WE’RE weird? She’s married to her OWN BROTHER.

  Cleopatra flung the headdress at me. ‘Tell your friend to find some soap and wash this properly. As soon as Ptolemy’s stopped his silly little game I want to parade in front of my people. I’ll need to smell like a goddess, not an incontinent hippo.’

  I kept expecting Caesar to jump in and defend me, but he just nodded along with his stupid girlfriend. He’s SO under her thumb, it’s unbelievable.

  October XVIII

  I sipped some water this afternoon, but it tasted so horrible I had to spit it back out again. When I peered into my cup, I saw the water was dark brown.

  I assumed Cleopatra had been bathing in it, and went off to have a word with her about wasting our precious supplies. But on the way I bumped into Mightius, who said all our water had been poisoned by Ptolemy.

  I told Caesar about it, but he said he only drinks wine now, so it doesn’t affect him. That lovestruck fool has no idea how serious things are. A fat lot of good his wine will be when all his soldiers die of thirst and Ptolemy’s men storm the palace.

  Why did I ever listen to Suti? Bringing Cleopatra back here was the worst idea EVER. Until just a couple of weeks ago, Caesar was the finest military thinker in the world. Now he’s about as much use as a mummified cat. Maybe Cleopatra has used one of those hooks to scrape his brains out through his nose.

  October XIX

  GREAT NEWS! Linos has fixed the water.

  I went to the laundry and showed him a cup of the stuff this morning. At first he didn’t seem too bothered, but then I pointed out that if we had no water, no one would be able to wee and his laundry would have to close.

  His eyes widened with alarm and he grabbed the cup and gave it a sniff. I was surprised he could smell anything above the tangy pong of urine in the banqueting hall.

  ‘This has got sea water in it,’ he said. ‘Ptolemy must have diverted the sea into our water supply. We need to dig in the ground until we strike fresh water.’

  I explained the plan to Mightius, who assigned soldiers to dig in all the gardens. A couple of hours later, one of the teams found a spring, and we built a well using a rope and some pots.

  Mightius told me to congratulate Caesar on his brilliant idea. If only he knew who the real hero was. Me. Well ... actually, it was Linos.

  October XXV

  Ptolemy’s men are still lobbing stones. I’m starting to think I’m the only one who understands just how bad things are.

  Cleopatra can’t see that her brother is a dangerous psycho and not just a spoilt kid having a tantrum. Caesar’s gone so soft he doesn’t care what’s going on. Mightius doesn’t know that Caesar has lost his marbles. The other soldiers trust Mightius. And even Linos is so happy to have his own laundry he doesn’t seem worried.

  We can’t just lounge around here waiting for the reinforcements to arrive. What if the messenger we sent to Antipater in Judea never got there? Maybe NO ONE is coming to help us!

  On the other hand, I can’t just send our soldiers out to fight Ptolemy’s army. We’re completely outnumbered. They’d get slaughtered and the little brat would march straight into our palace and kill the rest of us.

  Except he’d probably keep me alive just to torture me.

  October XXVI

  I went to the laundry this morning to explain my worries to Linos. He stopped tramping for a minute and stroked his chin.

  ‘Do you remember that time we played Latrones against Ptolemy?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m hardly likely to have forgotten after that hissy fit he threw,’ I said.

  ‘During the game, Ptolemy got really excited about the idea of surrounding his enemies on all sides,’ said Linos. ‘He said they’d have no chance in a real war. Maybe that’s what he’s doing now,’ Linos continued, ‘surrounding us so the reinforcements can’t get through and we starve to death in here.’

  ‘But what can we do about it?’ I asked. ‘He has loads more troops than we do.’

  ‘We just need to use our soldiers more cleverly,’ said Linos. ‘We should launch a surprise attack to gain control of the lighthouse and the harbour. Then we can put up barricades and hold the area until the ships carrying Roman soldiers from Judea arrive.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ I said.

  I ran back to Caesar’s room to tell him the plan. Cleopatra was teaching him how to play the harp, so I decided not to bother.

  October XXVII

  I explained the plan to Mightius, pretending it had come from Caesar, of course. We climbed on to the roof of the palace and looked out at the harbour.

  A map of where we are

  Just as Linos had guessed, Ptolemy’s troops were all around us. They were stationed along the harbour and its walkways, on Pharos Island and around the lighthouse. We would have to send out most of our men if we wanted to take all that area back.

  ‘Are you sure Caesar wants to risk this?’ asked Mightius. ‘Ptolemy could capture the palace if we fail.’

  ‘Antipater’s reinforcements won’t reach us if we don’t,’ I said. ‘We have to try Linos’s plan.’

  When Mightius looked at me in confusion, I spluttered, ‘I mean, we have to try Caesar’s plan.’ I felt my cheeks heat up.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘Your cheeks have gone red.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘Just excited about the battle.’

  I stared down at the harbour, desperately hoping that Mightius wouldn’t go to Caesar’s room to discuss the plan with him. Not only would he find out I was lying, but he’d see our glorious leader playing the harp. Mightius might lose the will to live.

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘We attack at dawn.’

  October XXVIII

  I’m currently lying on the roof of the palace and looking down at the harbour. Our men are sweeping along it, slashing away at Ptolemy’s troops. Come on, Rome!

  UPDATE

  The battle’s still going strong. It’s so exciting to watch, I keep forgetting that we could lose and Ptolemy’s men could storm the palace. If it looks like that’s going to happen, I might steal some more make-up from Cleopatra’s room and disguise myself as a loyal Ptolemy supporter.

  UPDATE

  Our men have made it on to Pharos Island. Ptolemy’s troops are trapped. A few of them are trying to swim to safety, but our soldiers are shooting arrows at them.

  THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

  Now Ptolemy’s soldiers are bobbing about like tunics in urine.

  The rest of our men are setting up barricades along the harbour so Ptolemy can’t get any reinforcements through.

  UPDATE

  The rest of Ptolemy’s men are trying to flee into the lighthouse, but our troops are following them inside and flinging them off the top, one by one.

  UPDATE

  WE WON! Hooray for Rome! I never doubted for a second that we’d win. Except for when I considered switching sides a few hours ago.

  October XXIX

  This morning Mightius asked me to find out what Caesar wanted to do with all the empty Egyptian ships now we have captured the harbour.

  I pretended to walk towards Caesar’s room, but nipped into the laundry to ask Linos.

  ‘Mightius wants to know what we should do with the ships,’ I said. ‘Any ideas?’

  Linos pointed at a huge pile of tunics next to the pot. ‘Errrr, can I think about it later?’

  ‘It’s sort of important,’ I said.

  He stopped tramping for a second and folded his arms. ‘If I were playing Latrones, and I’d surrounded the other player’s piece, I’d remove it from the board.’

  ‘So what should we do?’ I asked.

  ‘Burn the ships,’ he said. ‘That way Ptolemy can’t use them against us even if he does get the harbour back.’

  GENIUS! I rushed back to Mightius to pass on ‘Caesar’s’ advice.

  UPDATE

  I’m now watching the ships burn from the palace roof. The flames are so hig
h and fierce, it looks like the sea itself is on fire. I’d love to see Ptolemy’s face when he works out what we’ve done. Maybe I’ll get an artist to paint THAT on the wall of the throne room.

  UPDATE

  The flames have died down now. All that’s left in the harbour, apart from our ship, are a few charred bits of wood.

  Ptolemy must have worked out what we’ve done, because he’s bombarding the palace with rocks again. Throw all the stones you like, Make-Up Boy, it’s not going to bring your ships back.

  UPDATE

  Mightius tells me that before the fire went out, it spread to a huge pile of scrolls in the harbour that were meant for the library.

  I feel bad about destroying all that knowledge. It can never be replaced. But at least it means there’s less to learn now. I’m sure the pupils of the future will thank me.

  November VII

  Bad news – our food has run out. I spent all day on the roof staring out to sea, looking for Antipater’s ships. When it was almost dark, I thought I saw something on the horizon. I peered into the dusk, but no ships. Do you get mirages at sea?

  So that’s it for another day. If this is the final entry in my journal, it means the reinforcements didn’t arrive in time and we all died of starvation. Either that or I got so hungry I ate the rest of my scrolls.