Diary of Dorkius Maximus in Egypt

by Tim Collins

  November VIII

  I spent this morning on the roof trying to ignore my grumbling stomach. When I saw a large fleet of ships sailing over the horizon, I thought I was imagining things again. But no matter how many times I rubbed my eyes, they didn’t go away.

  THEY’RE ACTUALLY HERE!

  Soon a man with a huge beard rushed in through the North Gate.

  ‘Hi, I am Antipater of Judea,’ he said, grabbing my hand and shaking it forcefully.

  ‘Is Julius around? I expect he’s off fighting, isn’t he? Try keeping him away from the field of battle. Impossible!’

  ‘I’ll just check,’ I said.

  Caesar was reclining on his couch while Cleopatra tucked flowers under his wreath.

  ‘Antipater’s here to see you,’ I said.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Caesar, getting up.

  ‘You might want to ditch the flowers,’ I said.

  Caesar sighed and shook the flowers from his wreath. He took Cleopatra’s hand and led her out.

  I was about to follow them out, when I spotted the bowl of fruit next to the couch. Most of it had been left to go rotten, while the rest of us starved, but the grapes seemed okay, so I scoffed half and sneaked the rest out for Linos.

  November IX

  Antipater’s troops and our soldiers are battling Ptolemy’s men outside the palace right now. I just sneaked on to the roof above the South Gate to watch.

  It was hard to make out what was going on in the blur of swinging metal. I saw an Egyptian soldier clanking his axe on to the breastplate of one of Antipater’s men. I saw a Judean soldier spearing one of Ptolemy’s men against the wall. I saw another of Ptolemy’s men attacking a Roman with a small, curved sword.

  I felt like I should jump down and join in, seeing as though I’m a noble Roman hero with excellent sword skills. But then I remembered that I like having all my limbs.

  In the end, I decided to throw a small pebble at one of Ptolemy’s soldiers. He rubbed his head and looked around, then carried on fighting. It wasn’t exactly devastating, but at least I can say I’ve fought in a war now.

  November X

  We are VICTORIOUS!

  Our men have overcome Ptolemy’s forces, and are currently chasing the ones who fled last night. Ptolemy has scarpered. What a little coward.

  When we took the barricades down from the windows around the South Gate, we saw the people of Alexandria gathered again. This time they had gifts of fresh fruit, meat and bread, rather than rotten stuff to throw.

  I walked up to the balcony.

  ‘We are here to see our gracious pharaoh, Queen Cleopatra,’ said a man with a long, black beard.

  ‘Oh, you like her now she has won, do you?’ I snorted.

  ‘We always liked her,’ said a woman with braided hair. ‘You must be confusing us with some other people.’

  I wasn’t, you know. She was the one who threw that rotten fruit at me.

  I went to fetch Cleopatra. She spent ages getting ready, and then swanned out wearing a massive golden headdress and a shawl of golden feathers. It looked a bit over the top to me, but apparently she wanted to convince everyone she was a goddess called Isis.

  November XIV

  Ptolemy’s servants have begun to skulk back into the palace and pledge their ‘unwavering’ loyalty to Cleopatra. They were on Ptolemy’s side just a few days ago, so they can’t be that unwavering.

  This afternoon Cleopatra announced a huge feast to celebrate her victory. I was quite excited about it ... that is until she insisted that Linos and I wear some ridiculous Cupid outfits.

  We had to tie on stupid fake wings and silly curly wigs. It was SO embarrassing. I know she likes dressing up, but I don’t see why she has to force it on the rest of us.

  The costume made me feel ridiculous at first, but I soon forgot about it when the servants brought the food out. I was STARVING! We had roast boar, stuffed peacock, red mullet, oyster, goose and sea urchin. There were no honey dormice, but I’m not sure I’d have been able to fit them in after all that lot.

  Linos didn’t seem to be eating much, though.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. ‘Aren’t you hungry?’

  ‘I was,’ he said, ‘but the smell of those things is putting me off.’

  He pointed to the table, which was covered with rose petals and lilies. One of the servants reached out and sprinkled cinnamon perfume over them.

  Poor Linos. I know how much he hates nice smells. Maybe he can sneak some of the food back to his wee laundry later.

  November XVI

  I went to the laundry today, but all the wee pots had gone. Linos was slumped in the corner.

  ‘What happened?’ I asked.

  ‘They’ve shut my laundry down now the washerwomen are back,’ said Linos.

  ‘Never mind,’ I said. ‘Look on the bright side, you came up with the tactics that helped us beat Ptolemy. You should be proud of yourself.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ said Linos. ‘I’m not really into politics.’

  Sometimes I wonder if Linos should be more ambitious. Maybe if he tries hard, he could become a noble Roman hero, too. But cleaning is what he enjoys, and I should respect that. He takes just as much pride in removing a stubborn stain as I do in writing a great speech.

  November XX

  We sail for home tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it until I remembered how sick I got on the way here.

  Still, getting back is the important thing. I can’t wait to tell everyone I took part in a real war. I probably won’t mention that all I managed to do was chuck a small pebble off a roof, though.

  While I was packing, Cleopatra came to thank me for introducing her to ‘Seezy Weezy’.

  ‘If there’s anything I can do to pay you back, just let me know,’ she said.

  ‘Actually, there is something,’ I answered. ‘You know how you sometimes make statues of your pharaohs with the bodies of animals? Well, I’d like you to do one of your brother.’

  I grabbed a scroll and sketched my design.

  Cleopatra smiled and nodded. ‘Consider it done.’

  November XXI

  Caesar kissed Cleopatra goodbye for ages before we set sail this morning. He waved from the top of the ship’s tower as we sailed away. He kept on waving even when we were out on the open sea and Alexandria was just a small dot on the horizon.

  Eventually he turned to face forward, took a hanky out of his pocket and dabbed at the corners of his eyes.

  Mightius looked at Caesar in confusion.

  I dabbed the corners of my eyes too and said, ‘That salty sea wind really stings your eyes, doesn’t it?’

  I think Mightius fell for it. I hope he hasn’t realized our great leader has turned into a gibbering lovesick fool.

  November XXVI

  I was standing at the front of the ship today, trying to stop myself from being sick, when Caesar came down from his tower.

  ‘What do you think Cleopatra’s doing right now?’ he asked.

  ‘She’s probably rearranging the furniture in the throne room,’ I said. ‘She mentioned she wanted to do that.’

  ‘Wrong!’ said Caesar. ‘She’s staring out to sea and waiting for my return.’

  He unfurled a scroll. ‘I’ve written a poem,’ he announced. I forced a smile, willing the wind to blow it into the sea. Unfortunately, he cleared his throat and started to read.

  Honestly, I tried to turn away in time, but I didn’t make it. I spewed up all over our great leader once again. At least he deserved it this time.

  December I

  Home at last!

  A couple of Caesar’s guards brought Linos and me home to my parents’ villa this morning. I was expecting my parents to rush out in floods of tears, but they didn’t even bother getting out of bed.

  ‘I’m back,’ I announced. ‘I got lost in the desert and almost died, but I was rescued just in time.’

  I waited for Mum to wrap her arms around me and thank the gods I was ali
ve, but she simply said, ‘That’s nice, dear.’

  ‘Weren’t you worried?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘I told you. The chickens said you’d be fine.’

  Dad was reading a scroll.

  ‘I’m back, Dad,’ I said. ‘I fought in a massive war and we won.’

  ‘Wonderful,’ he muttered, without taking his eyes off the scroll. Then he looked up at me suspiciously.

  ‘YOU fought in a war? And we didn’t lose?’

  ‘I threw some stones,’ I said. ‘I wrote about it in my diary. Would you like to hear?’

  ‘I’d love that,’ he said, leaping out of bed. ‘But I’ve just remembered I’m supposed to be meeting someone right now.’

  I couldn’t believe no one wanted to hear about my time in Egypt. I wandered into the garden to chat to Linos, but I couldn’t even do that, as jealous old Odius was already making him scrub the walls.

  ‘You think you’re too good for cleaning now you’ve been to Egypt,’ Odius sneered at Linos. ‘But you’re not on holiday any more.’ He slouched over to a bench and lay down on it while still ranting on at Linos.

  December IV

  Julius Caesar came round to our house today and asked if he might have a private word with me.

  ‘It’s about my behaviour in Egypt,’ Caesar said. ‘I think I had a bit of a funny turn.’

  ‘That’s putting it mildly,’ I said.

  Caesar looked down at his feet. ‘You won’t tell anyone about the flower-arranging and the harp-playing, will you, Dorkius?’

  ‘Of course not,’ I said – noble Romans don’t tell tales.

  ‘Then there’s just the matter of your reward,’ said Caesar, looking relieved. ‘It would be unusual for me to present the golden crown for military excellence to someone so young, but I could make an exception.’

  December V

  I spent all morning thinking about how brilliant it would be to swan around wearing a golden crown. Imagine how jealous Cornelius would be!

  But then something occurred to me. If I were a true noble hero, wouldn’t I also try and reward the person who helped me?

  By the time Caesar’s messenger arrived, I’d worked out exactly what I wanted.

  December VIII

  When I got home this afternoon, Linos was still scrubbing the atrium walls while Odius looked on. ‘You missed a bit,’ Odius said.

  ‘You might have to finish that yourself, Odius,’ I said. ‘Linos no longer works for us.’

  Linos looked horrified. ‘You’re selling me?’

  ‘Not quite,’ I said. ‘Julius Caesar has bought your freedom.’

  Linos stood up, letting his dirty washcloth splat on to the ground. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

  Odius was scowling. ‘How come he gets to go free and I don’t?’

  ‘Because he helped save Caesar,’ I said. ‘The only thing you’ve ever tried to save is effort.’

  ‘What do I do now?’ asked a bewildered Linos. ‘I don’t know much about being free.’

  ‘You could come and look at the other thing Caesar has given you,’ I said.

  I led Linos down the street to the small plot of land Caesar had awarded to Linos.

  Linos gasped. A huge yard stretched out in front of us, and it was completely full of piles of dirty clothes and tubs of fresh wee.

  ‘This is the greatest laundry I’ve EVER seen,’ said Linos.

  ‘And it’s all yours,’ I said, pointing to the words carved into the wall. They read: ‘Linos’s Wee Laundry’.

  ‘Yippee!’ shouted Linos. He jumped straight into one of the pots and started stamping away.

  I wiped a tear from my eye, partly because I was happy, and partly because of the smell.

  A golden crown might have made me look like a noble Roman hero. But helping Linos made me truly feel like one.

  Ancient Roman and Egyptian words and names

  Dorkius’s scrolls probably contain some words and names that you won’t know. Here are some brief explanations:

  Anubis – A god with a man’s body and the head of a dog or jackal. He was in charge of protecting people on their journey to the afterlife, a sort of guide dog for the dead.

  Cleopatra VII – An Egyptian Queen who ruled between 51BC and 30BC. She squabbled for power with her younger brother, Ptolemy XIII, but triumphed after Julius Caesar fell in love with her and took her side. She was one of the world’s greatest beauties according to legend, although Dorkius doesn’t seem to have agreed. Maybe he caught her on a bad-hair day.

  Drachma – The currency that was used in Ancient Egypt at the time.

  Hieroglyphs – A form of Ancient Egyptian writing that used pictures instead of letters. By the time of Cleopatra, it was used for carving into stone and painting on tombs. Although doodling pictures might sound easier than writing words, the system was incredibly complicated and featured over 700 characters. Plus, you’d fail all your lessons if you couldn’t draw.

  Incense – Substances such as plant resins that give off a pleasant smell when burned.

  Isis – One of the great gods of Egypt. Isis was the wife of Osiris, the ruler of the underworld, and the mother of Horus, who looked like a man with a falcon’s head. Cleopatra believed she was Isis, though thankfully none of her children had falcon’s heads. Her nose was a bit of a beak, though.

  Julius Caesar – Fearless Roman leader and, according to Dorkius, soppy lovebird. Find out how Dorkius and Linos saved Caesar from assassins in Diary of Dorkius Maximus.

  Latrones and Senet – Ancient board games. Latrones was played in Rome and Senet was played in Egypt.

  Library of Alexandria – The greatest library of the ancient world. It held over 500,000 scrolls, including every text ever written in Greek. So if you spent long enough in there, you’d actually know everything. Obviously, there was a lot less history and computer science to know back then, but it’s still pretty impressive.

  Lighthouse of Alexandria – Also called the Pharos of Alexandria, this was a huge limestone tower with a furnace on top to guide ships into port. It was one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

  Mummies – Dead bodies that were pickled and wrapped in bandages to preserve them for the afterlife. Mummies are the cheapest Hallowe’en costume, as all you have to do is wrap yourself in (unused) toilet roll. Just make sure you don’t use up the last roll in the house.

  Ptolemy XIII – An Egyptian pharaoh who was meant to share power with his sister Cleopatra, but had her exiled so he could rule alone, even though he was only 12 years old at the time. When Julius Caesar sided with Cleopatra, Ptolemy raised an army and tried to retake the throne. Caesar and Cleopatra held him off until reinforcements arrived. Ptolemy fled, and is thought to have drowned while crossing the Nile, which all goes to show what happens if you refuse to share.

  Pyramids – Massive tombs built for Egyptian pharaohs, which they stuffed with all their possessions so they could use them in the next life. This is no longer acceptable, and it would now be considered very selfish to ask to be buried with your phone, TV and Xbox.

  Siege of Alexandria – A siege that occurred in Alexandria between the forces of Julius Caesar, Cleopatra and Ptolemy XIII. Historians believe that the siege took place over the winter between 48 and 47BC.

  A Note On Roman Numerals

  Ancient Romans didn’t use the numerals we usually use today. They used a combination of the letters I, V, X, L, C, D and M. Roman numerals are still used on posh watches and movie sequels.

  Here’s a quick guide:

  Follow Dorkius in another hilarious adventure as he uncovers a plot to kill Julius Caesar.

  Will he save Rome?

 

 

 
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