by Carter, TK
I wiped my face and watched the first peep of the sun as it illuminated the watery horizon. I started my chant, “Out with the sadness, in with peace. Out with sadness, in with peace.” I patterned my breathing to match the words and smiled at my progress. The first several weeks, I couldn’t say the words, “out with sadness,” through my sobs. Maybe my therapist is worth a damn after all. To say she didn’t support my decision to give up my baby is an understatement. She could see my point just didn’t agree with my logic. Seemed like semantics to me. I finished my catharsis and started my walk down the beach, the best part of my day. The first morning on the beach, I found a perfect seashell and put it in a glass bowl on the dresser in my room. Every morning, I search for one perfect seashell to add to the collection, which will go in the baby’s room in Missouri. Dani’s already promised me she’ll keep it. I say a special prayer of blessing over my baby’s life and wish for something different every day. Sometimes I tell a story of my pregnancy and envision the story attaching itself to the shell to be whispered to him in his sleep. It makes me feel better—less forgotten.
By the time I found the shell of the day, the full sun was smiling its good morning to me, the baby was kicking, and it was time to go in the house and let Dani feel him punch and wiggle. Watching her face is bittersweet, especially since she cries nearly every time he moves. I often tease her and ask which one of us is experiencing the pregnancy hormones most. I still think it’s me. Totally me. I’m just a better actress.
Katie stood on the beach near my blanket with a cup of coffee and look of awe. “Pretty amazing, huh?”
She gasped. “It’s breathtaking, Lis. My God, will you look at that?”
I walked up to her and shared the view. “I get to do this every morning, and it never looks the same or gets old.”
“How will you ever be satisfied living in Columbia after this?”
I sighed. “I’ve thought the same thing a million times.”
She looked at me. “You are coming back, right?”
I smiled. “Yes, I’m coming back.”
She studied my face longer than I wanted. “Lis . . .”
I cut her off. “Don’t, Katie. Don’t say it. It’s the right thing to do. For everyone involved.”
She sighed. “Okay. I still . . . well, anyway. What are we going to do today?”
I gestured to the ocean and asked, “What more could you want?”
She giggled. “That’s perfectly fine with me. I could be a beach bunny and be perfectly content. It’s just unusual for you not to have a full itinerary in place.”
I shrugged. “Sometimes slowing down and enjoying the moment has its perks.”
“Florida looks good on you, Lis. I mean that.”
I grinned. “And I make Florida look fabulous. Even with this big ol’ belly.”
“Oh it’s such a cute belly, too,” she laughed.
“I have to go in. Stay out here as long as you want. We’re not going anywhere unless you guys decide to.”
“Okay, I’ll be in shortly. I want to sit out there and drink my coffee.”
“I totally understand.”
I walked up the boardwalk, washed my feet, and headed into the house to find Dani. She wiped the counters then moved to stir something on the stove. “Smells good, wifey.”
She turned and grinned. “Thanks. It’s a new recipe, an egg scramble something something. I thought we’d use the breakfast nook this morning and let Katie enjoy the view. What do you think?”
“I think that sounds great, but don’t count on Michelle or Chance. You know they’re probably up there spooning.”
Dani laughed. “I highly doubt that.”
Michelle walked down the stairs. “I heard that, bitch. And we weren’t spooning, we were trying on each other’s clothes and putting on makeup.”
I said, “Okay, now I know you’re lying. Chance hasn’t worn makeup before eight since we got here.”
Michelle padded to the coffee pot and inhaled. “Hello, my sweet, Colombian lover.”
Dani pulled a cup out of the cabinet and handed her the sugar bowl. Michelle waved it off. “No sugar for me, thanks.”
Dani blinked. “You’ve always put sugar in your coffee.”
Michelle smiled. “Yeah, and I carried those sweet little calories around in fat rolls like the caffeinated trophies they were. I still use creamer though. Can’t lose all the luxuries in life.”
Dani pointed to the refrigerator. “Take your pick. We have a whole collection thanks to Chance.”
Michelle asked, “What are you cooking? That smells fantastic.”
I answered. “It’s an egg scramble something something Dani found online.” Dani turned and pointed the wooden spoon at me. I laughed. “Hey, I was just quoting you. I’m sure that’s the technical name for it.”
Dani shook her head. “We’re going to call it the Dani Surprise. How’s that?” She winked at Michelle and spooned the meal into four dishes. She left some in the skillet in case Chance made an appearance. I said, “If she isn’t down by the time we’re done eating, it’s mine.”
Dani waved. “At that point it will be fair game. I’m going to go ask Katie if she wants to join us.”
Michelle and I grabbed our bowls and drinks then headed into the breakfast nook. Michelle whistled. “Man, this place just gets better and better.” She chose a seat facing the windows and bounced up and down in the chair. “Comfy. Love this big, round table, too. Nice touch.”
“I’m telling ya, they thought of everything.”
She shoveled a bite into her mouth. “I don’t even want to know how much this cost a month.”
I chuckled. “Your table manners are phenomenal.”
She flipped me the bird and wiped her mouth. “Does it have a workout room?”
I frowned and sat back in my chair. “No, actually, I don’t think it does. Wait, does the indoor pool count?”
Michelle laughed. “Yes, I suppose I’ll have to make do with that.” She rolled her eyes.
“It doesn’t get much use, honestly. We spend so much time on the beach, it seems silly to swim inside.”
“You’ll have to give me the grand tour outside after breakfast.”
Katie squealed when she and Dani walked into the nook. “Isn’t this the coolest room ever? I think I’d spend most of my time in here. This is so amazing.” She touched the tropical plants that lined the glass walls and stared at the waves. “I don’t know how you’d ever be satisfied living anywhere else after this.”
Dani hummed. “It’s going to be a huge adjustment, that’s for sure. I spend a lot of time in here. It’s funny; we all have our little places. Alissa likes a blanket on the beach, Chance likes her balcony, and I like this room. But, we all know I’ve never been fond of sweating.”
We laughed as they took their seats and started eating. Katie asked, “So how’s Chance doing with the whole Tony thing?”
I cleared my throat. “Well? She has good days and better days. She’s going to be fine, though.”
“Has she heard from him?” Katie asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t think so. And she’d tell me if she did, so I’m going to say a confident no.”
Michelle asked, “So is the plan still for you guys to come home May thirtieth?”
Dani took the reins on this one. The eternal planner. And I thought I was bad. “That’s all going to depend on Alissa’s recovery. But if she goes early, we could always leave early.”
“What if she’s late?” Katie asked.
“Oh she’s not going to be late,” Dani said. “If we don’t have any action by the fourth, we’re looking at induction.”
Michelle laughed. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”
“We have a schedule to keep, ya know.” I smiled and tapped my wrist.
Dani winced. “Ouch.”
I rubbed her hand. “Oh, now, I didn’t mean that to be mean. We’ve always teased you.”
She smiled, but I knew I�
��d pricked a wound. She looked at Michelle. “She can’t go too much past the fourth because we have to be out of the house by the thirtieth. It’s already rented for the rest of the summer.” She glanced at me then focused on her breakfast.
Katie saw the tension and went into smooth-it-over mode. “Well, I think you are both handling this very well. I know Alissa’s fully aware of the move-out date, and I know Dani is sympathetic to the situation, and the doctors will make the best decision based off Alissa’s progress at the time. We just need to make sure the little fellow is fully cooked before he comes out of the oven.”
Michelle asked, “Any progress on the name?”
I groaned. “No, we can’t find one we agree on. I like modern; she likes traditional.”
Michelle shrugged. “Okay, split the difference. One of you pick the first name and the other pick the middle name.”
I stared at Michelle and wondered marveled at her intermittent genius streak. I grinned at Dani. “I can’t believe we never thought of that.”
Dani laughed. “Me neither.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Okay, but who picks what?”
She gave me an evil grin. “Either way, I win, because I can always call him what I want.”
I yelled, “Doh! I’ll never best you.”
She giggled and did a fist pump. “Yes!”
Katie gaped at Dani. “Did you just do a fist pump? I’ve never seen that from you ever.”
“These two are wearing off on me.”
“Okay, traditional names,” Michelle said. “Well obviously, Daniel is out. That’s just too weird having two people in the house with the same name.”
Katie cut her off, “Because you know people will call him Danny.”
I said, “Yes, but that could be handy. Call out one name and two people come running.”
Dani shook her head. “No, Daniel was eliminated in round one. I’ll grab my journal and tell you what I’ve considered.” She stood and took her and Katie’s plate to the kitchen. Michelle and I were nearing a serious game of rock/paper/scissors to see who got Chance’s portion if she didn’t make it down in time. She had ten minutes to appear. Dani reappeared with her journal and a pen and flipped to the back. “Dang, I’m almost out of paper in this thing.”
Katie asked, “Damn, girl, have you written a play-by-play action while you’re here?”
Dani smiled. “No, I just wanted to make sure to document our vacation and the baby’s progress.” She shrugged. “It’s been fun. Okay, so the names that have made it to the final round are—”
Michelle pounded on the table. “Drumroll, please.”
Dani read her list: “Jacob, Isaac, Nathan, Leland, Joel, and Elliot.”
Michelle mimicked her best E.T. voice. “Elliot . . .”
I laughed. “Right? Every time I hear that name, I think of that little alien and Drew Barrymore.”
Katie said, “Isaac’s a little too . . .symbolic. Let’s scratch that one.”
I frowned and asked, “Why?” I saw Michelle and Katie exchange glances and bite their lips. “What’s the story with Isaac?”
Michelle pointed to Katie, “You’re better at the bible stuff than me. I’ll probably mess the whole thing up and tell her Isaac was the dude in the lion’s den.”
Katie laughed. “You’re safe. That was Daniel, and that name’s been scratched already.” She cleared her throat and looked at me. “Isaac was the first son—a miracle child born to Abraham and Sarah. They were like, old. One hundred, nineties, something like that.”
“In their nineties? Go Abraham.”
Katie put her face in her hands. “Oh lord, no, you can’t make sexual jokes about Abraham. That’s just . . . wow.” She chuckled. “Okay, so when Isaac was still a boy, I always pictured him being like twelve, I don’t know why. Anyway, God tells Abraham to take Isaac up the mountain and sacrifice him.” I felt my stomach drop. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Katie continued, “Don’t worry, he doesn’t kill him. God grabs Abraham’s hand before he can kill him and praises him for his willingness to be faithful.”
I whispered, “You’re right. Little too close to home. Scratch Isaac.”
Dani lined through Isaac and bit her lip. The atmosphere in the room changed with that story; I know it wasn’t just me. Reality is a straight-up bitch even when it parallels a story in the bible. Dani said, “Okay that leaves Jacob, Nathan, Leland, Joel, and Elliot.”
Katie said, “For a similar reason, let’s scratch Jacob, too.”
Dani made another scratch on the paper. “Were Nathan, Leland, Joel, or Elliot involved in anything scandalous in the bible?” She leveled her eyes at Katie then glanced at Michelle. They both shook their heads and looked at me. “Alissa, why don’t you share the names you’ve come up with so we can start pairing them with these four I’ve got?”
I squirmed in my chair. “I feel like if I answer this wrong, I’m going to lose my recess.”
Dani slammed her chair backward and snapped the journal closed. “Perhaps we should revisit this later.”
I jumped up. “Whoa, Dani, what’s the problem?”
“You are all looking at me like I’m this evil, awful person for following through with this horrible plan to steal away with your baby the day it’s born. Let’s just out the elephant standing in every room in this house, shall we? You are the one who got knocked up with a baby you didn’t want. I’m the one who has been robbed of the privilege of having a baby of my own. This was supposed to be the perfect solution to an impossible situation. Yet I’m constantly walking on these glass shards of your decision, and I am tired of it.”
She took a breath before continuing. “I’m not the bad guy, here. There is no bad guy in this situation. There are two women eager to love the same little miracle, so personally, I think Isaac would be the perfect name! And Katie and Michelle? I realize you’re both mothers and think Alissa is making a huge mistake. And I also know that Alissa, herself, wonders if she’s making a huge mistake. However, no one has ever once considered if I’ve wondered that myself.
A single tear ran down Dani’s cheek. “You see me as this greedy, salivating baby snatcher with no care outside of getting what I want. Do you not know how much this is going to shred her the day she hands the baby to me? Because I do. The happiest day of my life is also going to break my heart, because my best friend’s heart is going to break. I haven’t spent my life in a career where I have to read people because I like the desk. So I would appreciate it if you would all quit with this bullshit of holding your breath when I speak about the baby and stop treating me like I’m too stupid to know what you’re thinking.” She picked up the chair and her journal and stormed past a wide-eyed Chance.
Chance turned to watch Dani run up the stairs then turned to look at me. “Did Dani just say bullshit?”
I shook my head and tried not to laugh at Chance’s well-timed icebreaker. I took a deep breath. “She said a lot of things. Holy shit.”
Chance took a sip of her coffee. “Yeah, I heard. Which one of you gets their ass kicked first?”
Katie and Michelle looked at each other and sighed. Michelle said, “Katie, you go first and wear her out.”
Katie put her head in her hands. “This is bad. This is really bad.”
Chance frowned. “No, it’s not. I’ve been waiting for her to blow for a while. I’m kinda surprised it happened with you two here, but then again I’m not. You two make life normal again. Like we’re all sitting in someone’s living room back home.” She took a drink of her coffee. “Not a soul at this table can be pissed about what she said. Take your ass chewing and be done with it. I’ve been guilty of it, too, so I take my part as well.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“What can we do to make up to her?” Katie asked.
I felt my eyes widen with the idea that blasted to the front of my brain. “Oh! What if we throw her a baby shower?”
Chance said, “Lis, we’re trying not to buy a bunch of stuf
f here. The Navigator was packed tight on the way down. We won’t have much room for anything else.”
Michelle said, “We could still do cake and punch.”
Katie said, “If the baby is going to be born around the first and you’re not leaving until the thirtieth, you’re going to need all kinds of stuff in that time.”
I looked at Chance. “We could get a crib and changing table then donate it before we leave.”
Katie said, “You’re going to need a bathtub, diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, lotion, soap, clothes, a car seat, pacifiers . . .”
I looked at Chance and squealed. “Can we? Can we? Can we?”
She looked at Katie. “You’re in charge of refreshments. Cake, punch, those cute little mints that no one ever eats, and cake pops. I have to have cake pops today. Michelle, you need to make a list of everything Katie just said plus whatever food she wants and keep it in your hand until we get in the car. Alissa, you clean up the kitchen from breakfast and go get ready. I’m going to go lie to Dani and tell her you guys are all upset so I’m taking you out for a bit. We leave in thirty minutes. Go!”
Chairs scooted away from the table as everyone went about their missions. I cleared the table and thanked God over and over for something to do to stay in motion and not let Dani’s words sink into my guilt-ridden soul.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Chance
I knocked on Dani’s door and didn’t wait for her to answer. I opened the door. “Hey, sister. You okay?”
Dani sat in the rocking chair by the window and sniffled. “Yes.”
I closed the door. “You’re not the bad guy, Dani, so you need to get that out of your head. I know looks can be deceiving and that this situation is uncomfortable at best, but I think you’re handling it very well. I’m surprised it took you this long to blow up, sister.”
Dani shook her head. “I should go apologize.”
I put my hand up. “No, just let them all think about what you said and take time to cool off. I’m going to throw on some clothes and take them out for a bit. Then we’ll all congregate back here for a big group hug.”