Rediscovered Love

by Celeste Carrara

  Rediscovered Love

  By Celeste Carrara

  Published by Celeste Carrara

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  Copyright © 2014 Celeste Carrara. All Rights Reserved. No content may be reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

  First Edition

  ISBN 978-1-62018-158-4

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  This e-book edition was created at FoliumBookStudio.com

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to all the people who helped make this story come to life. It was a labor of love and I couldn't have done it with out you!

  Thank you all so much to my fantastic team!

  My betas, Mary, Elaine, Sera, Amanda, and Tarra. You ladies give your time and never ask anything in return and I am truely grateful!

  My editor, Wendy Chan. You are such a pleasure to work with. Thank you so much for giving me such great advice!

  My cover designer, Secor Technologies, you create fantastic covers for me every single time! Amazing doesn't begin to describe your talent!

  Chapter One

  I never thought I’d have to go back to my childhood home so soon. Putting distance between the old neighborhood and myself was a must. There were too many bad memories. The few good ones weren’t enough to make me stay. I had no choice but to go back. My grandmother had taken a turn for the worse and my father phoned saying she didn’t have much longer to live. I needed to say my goodbyes and I had to do it in person.

  Saying goodbye to a woman who meant so much to me was an unbearable task. Fond memories flooded my mind when I stood next to her hospital bed. She wasn’t coherent, but I hoped she could feel my presence. We were left alone in the room, and I had to tell her how much she meant to me. Even if she couldn’t hear me, even if she couldn’t respond, I had to say how I felt. We never spoke of the turmoil my parents had put me through, but it was time to thank her for all she did.

  Seated next to her bed, it occurred to me how much I took her for granted. She was the one who gave me all the happy memories I had. She tried so hard to shield me from the chaos and dysfunction of my parents. My weekends were spent with her while they had their wars. I knew what was going on, but on those short days with my grandmother, I could forget.

  “Thank you nana, for everything.”

  From an early age, my grandmother had always taught me to never say “goodbye” to her when we departed. She would tell me, “You should say ‘so long’ because we will see each other again.” Softly I kissed her forehead and said, “So long nana, until we see each other again.” The loud sound of the heart monitor broke the silence. She was gone.

  Out in the hall, my father wept openly in my sister’s arms. We hugged in greeting and I tried my best to comfort him.

  “It’s okay, dad. She’s in a better place now. She’s no longer suffering.”

  “I know. You’re right,” he told me after he wiped his tears away. “She waited for you. I knew she wouldn’t let go until she saw you one last time. She loved you so much.”

  With nothing more to offer him other than another hug, I held him until he was ready to let go. Part of me felt sorry for him, but it was only a small part. He had made my grandmother’s life hell and didn’t do any better with mine. An addict had that effect on people, sucking the life out of everyone who loved them despite their disease.

  “Let’s go to the house, dad. We have some phone calls and arrangements to make.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Okay, let’s go.”

  He was sober, which was a welcome surprise. But that didn’t last long. Together we went through the motions preparing for my grandmother’s funeral. It was surreal. My brain didn’t seem to want to digest that she was really gone. She had been sick for a long time, and I had prepared for her death in my mind, but that did nothing to help ease my heart.

  My father called my mother and when I overheard him asking her to come by the house, my heart dropped to my stomach. I couldn’t handle the two of them in one room together. They had been divorced for years, but their dysfunction remained. After I grabbed my purse, I headed out the door to get some fresh air and found myself alone in my car with no one there to comfort me.

  After sitting in my car for nearly fifteen minutes, I decided to go for a drive. The windows were down and the warm air brushed against my face. It was a welcome distraction. Spring had arrived. The birds chirped, flowers bloomed, and the sun shined. It was a deep contrast to how I felt inside. The noises my stomach made couldn’t be ignored and I couldn’t remember when I had last eaten. A favorite pizzeria of mine was close by, so I made my way over. Parking was a bitch in the city so I unlawfully double-parked my car.

  It normally took only minutes to grab a slice and a soda, but I wasn’t so lucky. The place was crowded and the line was long. While I waited, I scanned the restaurant and smiled at some familiar faces. It was unwise of me, but I couldn’t help myself: I looked for Jason’s face. It wouldn’t be a surprise to see him. It was his favorite place too. A piece of me wanted to see him, to run into his arms and have him comfort me. The rational part of me chastised the thought. After three years of being away at college, I still wanted him. I needed him, even though he was never willing to give me what I needed. He broke my heart, yet he still held it.

  Call it destiny or fate’s cruel way of teasing me with what I couldn’t have, but he was there. Jason was there just a few feet away from me as I stood in line waiting for my order. He was alone at a table in the back with his slice of pizza and a Coke. My body reacted without conscious thought. The sweat poured off me. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and I was that infatuated teenager all over again. It was always that way in his presence. He wore a stylish suit, but it didn’t matter what he wore. He always looked good to me. His face was just as I remembered, so damn cute. He had the best smile too, perfect teeth, and dimples. It took every bit of self-control I had to stay in my spot in line. My eyes bored into him in an attempt to will him to look up and notice me. He kept his attention on the papers he had in front of him. People shuffled by, the door opened and closed behind patrons as they entered and exited, but he made no attempts to look anywhere but at his documents.

  “Tori! Your order’s ready!”

  My name was called and I was brought out of my trance. I was sure he would’ve looked over if he had heard my name called out. Then again, why would he? My existence was a distant memory to him. Too bad it wasn’t the same for me. The memory of him was all too fresh. His hands, his lips, his arms tight around me. The air became thick. I had to leave. My brain fought for air and clarity. My heart longed to go over to Jason and…I didn’t know what. My head won, and I grabbed my order and left the pizzeria in a hurry.

  When I arrived back at my grandmother’s house, I used the key she had given me years before. Her house was a second home to me. I spent many loving weekends there with her, and she made me feel like it was more my home than the one I shared with my parents and sister. Once inside, I could smell the remnants of her perfume. The scent was a comforting one. With a deep breath and heavy exhalation, I went about the motions of preparing my outfit for the next day. A day that would surely be the worst day of my life.

  Chapter Two

  At two o’clock on a sunny Friday afternoon, the mourners arrived at the funeral parlor to pay their respects. The flower displays sent with loved ones’ condolences filled the room with a beautiful floral aroma. My grandmother loved flowers and would’ve gone crazy to see so many there for her. I stood at the front of the room while my father sat in the front row flanked by his girlfriend, his brother, and my sister. They were four peas in a pod, all plagued by the same demons. For my own sanity, I kept my distance. As people came by to pay their respects, t
he room filled to capacity. Soon there was a line out the door. She was loved and respected by so many people, and that warmed my heart.

  Arrangement after arrangement lined the room and I read the cards to help distract myself. My heart nearly stopped when I read the card attached to a huge bouquet of roses. The note read, “With deepest condolences, Jason.”

  A familiar voice interrupted me and I nearly jumped when I realized who it was.

  “Victoria?”

  I couldn’t turn around. Jason’s voice seeped in and so many feelings flooded through me. I had to compose myself and act natural. When I turned to say hello, I realized he wasn’t alone. He stood with four other men. My past haunted me. It was a small neighborhood, and I had been a promiscuous teen. My surprise couldn’t be masked, but Jason, David, Mike, Joey, and Brian greeted me with warm smiles.

  “Hi guys. Thanks for coming. It’s nice to see you all.” With a smile plastered on my face, I tried to hide that I was uncomfortable. Being surrounded by the five of them was unnerving. You’d think I would’ve been used to it. We had all been friends for years despite our history.

  One by one they hugged me and offered their condolences. Jason waited until the others were done and gone before he spoke to me.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Tori. I know what she meant to you. If you need anything, you know I’m here for you.”

  His hug and words were genuine, and he comforted me in a way no one else could. Once released from his hug, I longed to be embraced by him again.

  “Thank you, Jay. That means a lot to me.”

  He gifted me with a small smile that revealed his dimples. I stood there, mesmerized by his looks. He was as handsome as ever. Hazel green eyes, golden brown, thick wavy hair that I once ran my fingers through, and a body that felt so perfect and strong around mine. Silent, I remained in my own head reminiscing about the times we spent as teens, him strumming his guitar, me enraptured by him. We spent many nights together eating cereal by the television watching our favorite music videos. That time always ended with us getting naked. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. He was a talented musician but never pursued it. He was intelligent too. He went to college but dropped out to work and help out his single mother.

  The last time we had seen each other was the night before I left for school. It was supposed to be a quick, simple goodbye. We even stayed outside in his backyard to ensure we wouldn’t end up in bed together. It didn’t work. Bent over a patio table, we had sex one last time. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did.

  Jason was the first person in my life that made me feel good about myself. Even with all my flaws and my crazy family, he made me feel like I was special. Like I was worthy of love and attention. He never criticized me. He encouraged me when I wanted to go away to school and better my life. He gave me hope that I wouldn’t end up like my father. I fell hard for him, but the feelings weren’t mutual.

  His voice brought me back to reality.

  “I’ll speak to you later. There are others waiting to give their condolences.”

  Jason walked away and an old neighbor of mine stepped up and grabbed me for a hug. Then she walked in…

  My mother, in all her glory, strolled in like she owned the place. Teary-eyed but dressed for a gala event, she headed straight for the casket. My feet weren’t quick enough to beat her to it. She had a show to put on and had a captive audience. My grandmother and my mother never got along. Behind her back, my mother called her the devil, yet she cried over her coffin. All eyes were on her. It was exactly the attention she wanted. Everything always had to be about her.

  Emotionally drained and not in the mood to deal with my mother, I allowed my sister to take over. She dragged her to a seat where my mother continued her show of crying uncontrollably. In a daze, I stood to the left of my grandmother and kept my thoughts to myself. My counselor’s words floated through my head. I had no control over her and I needed to let it go. She will never change, and I needed to detach and love her from a distance. My counselor told me to try and find the good when things got tough. At that moment, I struggled. All I saw when I looked at my family were a bunch of toxic people.

  As I looked harder around the room, I saw Jason and the guys sitting with other friends we grew up with. The guys were the only bright spot in my childhood besides my grandmother. It was so kind of them to show up after not having seen nor heard from me in so long. It was only after the first year I was gone that we all drifted apart. We didn’t even so much as post on each other’s Facebook walls anymore, yet there they were.

  The priest came in and led the crowd in a prayer. My thoughts kept drifting and I was unable to focus. When the priest was done, people said their goodbyes one by one. When it was Jason’s turn, he held me tight and whispered in my ear. His breath fluttered against it and I wanted to melt away with him. I needed him.

  “I’m sorry we had to see each other under these circumstances, Tori. Call if you need anything.”

  All I could do was nod as he pulled away.

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  ***

  As if the heavens smiled down on me, the sunbeams warmed my face. The pallbearers carried my grandmother’s casket past me and into the church. I stood stoic on the church steps. I held the tears back. I wasn’t the type to lose my shit in public. The church filled up quickly as the mass started. My grandmother was a deeply religious woman, and she wanted a Catholic funeral. We had arranged for the works - the church, the choir, the priest, and everything else. It always surprised me that her religious beliefs never penetrated my brain. Mass bored me as a child. My grandmother always had a toy in her bag to entertain me with during the readings. The memory brought a smile to my face and I wished she were there to comfort me. The choir began and brought me back from my daydreaming. The song they played caused my heart to race. It was her favorite, Ave Maria.

  The female singer’s voice rang out in the church. There was nowhere to hide. It undid me. The tears that came were furious. Perhaps I should’ve let them go earlier because they flowed in an unstoppable stream. There was nothing I could do to control them. The song continued as the casket rolled down the aisle of the church. One by one we filed out behind it. It seemed everyone had someone to lean on or a shoulder to cry on except me. Alone, I walked to the exit with my sunglasses on in an attempt to mask my tears.

  Once outside, I caught sight of all the limos and cars that had gathered and stopped traffic. People packed the stairs in front of the church and the sidewalk to get a glimpse of the casket as it made its way to the hearse. The sight was staggering. I could still hear Ave Maria from outside. My body shook with a pain I could not explain. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was alone, so utterly alone. All the wrongs in my life replayed in my mind and my grandmother’s death suddenly felt so unfair. How could the one good thing in my life be taken away? Then I spotted them. My friends, gathered together in their suits with somber looks on their faces, there for me like they always were. Maybe I wasn’t so alone after all.

  Chapter Three

  There wasn’t a knock on the door or a ring of the bell. My father burst through the house with my sister and uncle trailing behind him. It wasn’t my house, but it wasn’t theirs either, and the intrusion annoyed me.

  “What are you all doing here? What time is it?”

  My father answered, “It’s noon, and we’re here to look for the will.”

  I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. Caught off guard, I was speechless. My sister made coffee while my father and his brother rummaged through the house looking for the paperwork. My butt was stuck to the couch, mouth shut, because I couldn’t think of a thing to say. The woman wasn’t buried for a day and there they were looking for their share of her belongings.

  There was a jewelry case only my sister and I knew about, and I waited to see if she would make a move for it. She did, and on the kitchen table she emptied its contents. It was hard to hold back my tears, but I managed. With t
ears in her eyes my sister finally spoke to me.

  “Tori, I know you were her favorite, but she was my grandmother too and I loved her. I think we should split up her jewelry between our cousins and ourselves. Don’t you think that’s what she would have wanted?”

  Her words shocked me. I couldn’t find a reason to argue with her. My uncle’s children, though a lot younger and not as close to my grandmother as I was, deserved to have some keepsakes. So did my sister. Together we started the process of going through our grandmother’s belongings.

  My sister said, “You should take her wedding band and engagement ring. She wore them every day, they were a part of her, and she would’ve wanted you to have them.”

  With tears I took the rings from her. As I slipped them on my finger, I couldn’t believe they were a perfect fit. It was a small comfort to think my grandfather and grandmother were back together again.

  “Thanks, Maggie. Here, you should take her watch. Remember how she taught us how to tell time with it? We didn’t believe her that we could do it without numbers.”

  We shared a laugh at the memory. I missed my sister so much. The little girl that used to play with me and protect me was long gone. She had become my worst nightmare. She had turned into our father. She had so much promise too. So much going for her, and she threw it all away. That’s what I was most angry about when it came to my sister. She saw what I saw. We came from the same house. How could she repeat that life? Why didn’t she want more or better for herself?

  “Tori, I’m proud of you. Grandma was too. You finally broke the cycle of fuck ups in our family.”

  She said it with a laugh, but that didn’t mask the pain I could hear underneath it. She was like a lost soul, trapped in a life she knew was wrong but was helpless to change.