Rediscovered Love

by Celeste Carrara

  “Hey Tori, wanna come with me to the bar?” Amanda asked.

  She had perfect timing.

  “Sure!” I responded. I rose to follow her but before I could, Jason pulled me to him for a kiss. He stuck his tongue in my mouth, and it was as if he wanted all the guys to know I was his. Part of me hated him for what he did; the other part of me hated myself at how easily I fell back into his arms.

  At the bar, I knew Amanda wanted to get me alone to grill me about Jason. If she felt I was a threat, finding out I was back with Jason would make her feel a hell of a lot better about me being around her man.

  “So Tori, does this mean you and Jason are back together?” Amanda asked.

  “Amanda, you know that Mike and I happened a really long time ago. We’ve been just friends since we were teenagers.”

  “Yeah, I know. But I also know you were his first and he was yours and usually that means there’s a special bond there.”

  “Not for me, Amanda. I just never felt that way for Mike. Don’t get me wrong, at the time I was into him but it was never love, just teenage infatuation. It’s always been Jason for me.”

  “I’m confused, and Tori, please don’t take this the wrong way. I hope for us to be friends, but I can’t help my curiosity. Haven’t you been with all the guys? How is it you can say it’s always been Jason when clearly it hasn’t?”

  Was there no respect for secrets anymore? She knew Mike was my first and knew I slept with Brian. The guys must’ve really thought I would never come back. It wasn’t where I’d expected our conversation to go and it really wasn’t any of her business, but for some reason I answered her.

  “Let me explain. Joey was my first boyfriend and we were really young and kind of grew up together. After we broke up, we remained friends. It was hard not to when we lived next to each other. Mike and I dated after that, and yes, we were each other’s first, but it didn’t last long. It took a while for us to get back to being friends, but we did. Then I dated David and that was just for a short time. You have to understand these guys were all I knew. They were my best friends, and yeah, teenage hormones brought us together sometimes, but there was more to our bond.”

  I couldn’t believe how open I was with her, but she was easy to talk to.

  “I don’t know how much Mike has told you, but I had a really tough childhood. The guys know that and they’ve always looked out for me and took care of me. As for Jason and I, we started dating on and off from the time I was fourteen. It didn’t officially end until I moved away to go to school. What just happened with us was pretty typical. We just cannot be without each other. Well, that’s how it used to be anyway. I don’t know what it is now.”

  She looked at me sympathetically. “As an outsider looking in, here’s what I think. They all love you in their own way, even Mike.”

  With my hand on her arm, I tried to correct her. She wouldn’t have it.

  “No, Tori, it’s okay. Let me finish. I was just going to add that I think you’re part of their past and they’ll always have feelings for you.”

  She grabbed the drink that the bartender handed her and we walked back to the guys. As I sat next to Jason and looked at him, I was unsettled by my feelings. Regret, goddamn regret kept creeping in and there was nothing I could do about it.

  Chapter Eight

  “It’s late, I think we should get going,” Jason said to me.

  Surprised, I answered, “We?”

  With a smile he said, “Yeah.”

  He wanted me to go home with him, and there was nothing that would stop me from doing so, not even the look that David gave me. Not even the feeling in the pit in my stomach. I had other motives. It was time for Jason to tell me about the girl he was in a relationship with.

  “See you guys later,” Joey said.

  “Have a good night, guys,” Mike added.

  With a smile, Brian told us, “Have fun you two.”

  It was David’s turn to say goodbye, and he shook Jason’s hand and said, “Later bro.”

  He kissed me on my cheek and casually said goodbye. He pretended he didn’t care, but I saw right through his act. I felt terrible but still followed Jason to his car. Once inside, I sat and nervously played with the buckle on my bag.

  “What’s the matter? You seem nervous.”

  “I’m not, I’m good.”

  He reached over and grabbed my hand, and I didn’t protest. My jealousy got the best of me and I had to ask about his ex-girlfriend. “What was her name?”

  Confused, he asked, “What was whose name?”

  “I wanna know the name of the girl you replaced me with. Wait…actually, scratch that. You didn’t replace me with her. You gave her what you never gave me. An actual commitment.”

  Annoyed, he said, “Do we really have to talk about this now?”

  “Yeah, did you think I wouldn’t bring it up? Or did you think I wouldn’t have found out about her?”

  “I don’t know what I thought,” he said as he pulled the car over.

  We looked at each other for a few quiet minutes.

  “Casey was just a girl I met at a conference. We hit it off. She was just at the right place at the right time I guess. Before I knew it, we were in a relationship. I think part of me did it just to see if I could. I didn’t think I was capable of it.”

  I admitted, “I wish it was me. I wish you had given me that chance. It’s all I ever wanted.”

  More serious than he had ever been, he stared in my eyes and said, “I know, Tori, I know. I’m sorry.”

  My heart raced and my hands shook. My head was spinning with questions. “What do you want now?”

  “I don’t know. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I’m being honest. You just got back after being gone for three years. What did you expect? Look, I will always have feelings for you, but I just can’t take it to the next level. Relationships just aren’t for me.”

  Slapping him, cursing at him, and storming out of the car were all things I considered, but I kept my cool. I should’ve known better than to put myself where I was. My anger was not at him, it was at myself. He didn’t want a relationship with me. What else was new? In that moment, as I listened to him speak, I felt disgusted and sorry for him. He would be alone forever. He would let his fear of commitment ruin his life and he would never know what it’s like to really love someone. My disgust for myself was for allowing him to use me.

  “Why did you wait until now to finally be honest with me? You just wanted to fuck me one last time?”

  “That’s not fair. You know how things are with us. It’s always been like this.”

  “Yes, but not anymore, Jason. I’ve changed a lot since I left. You just caught me during a momentary lapse of judgment. Being back here and being around my family, losing my grandmother, and then seeing you and the guys. It was all too much, and I slipped. I fell back into the routine and got caught up with you, but if I really think about it, I don’t want a relationship with you either. Hell, I don’t even really know you anymore. But it’s clear your feelings for me are the same as they have always been. I deserve better.”

  He looked at me, confused, and I have to admit, I was so proud of my revelation. It was true. I didn’t know him anymore and if he just wanted a casual sexual relationship, then he would have to look elsewhere.

  “You mean David? Is David better?”

  “What?”

  “Tell me.”

  “David has nothing to do with the fact that I’m sick of being used by you. He is not the reason that I finally found my self-esteem, Jason. This is ridiculous.”

  He adjusted himself in his seat. With his hands on the steering wheel, he kept his eyes on the parked car in front of us. His expression was unreadable. He remained quiet, and I wasn’t sure what to do. I sat there and stared at him and waited for him to say something.

  “What did you do that night when you left Butch’s?”

  “What? Nothing!”

  “Tell me.”
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  “Nothing! David drove me home. Nothing happened, Jason. We just talked. God, you really don’t know me at all!”

  “I do know you, Tori. I know you wouldn’t do anything with him, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t want to. I know he wanted to.”

  “David would never do anything to jeopardize your friendship. You’re his best friend and he loves you like a brother. Was tonight just about showing him that he couldn’t have me, but you could anytime you want?”

  His silence was all the answer I needed.

  “You’re such a dick.”

  “I think I should just take you home.”

  “Yeah, take me home.”

  We drove for a while before he spoke again. With a calm voice he said, “Tori, I don’t want things to end like this. We’ve known each other too long. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never wanted the things you did. I’m sorry if you think I was using you. I never thought of it that way. Tonight wasn’t about David. Well, maybe it was a little. But I was thinking with my dick and it was wrong. And as for David, I’m not stupid. I know there’s something between you two. But I have no right to get mad about it. It’s none of my business what you do or who you do it with.”

  I didn’t know what to say. It was not how I thought the night would go, but it was for the best. It was time to close this chapter of my life for good. He drove me home and before I could get out of the car, he stopped me.

  “I only want the best for you, Tori. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who can give you everything you need. I’m sorry I’m not that person.”

  “It’s just not meant to be for us. I shouldn’t have tried to force it all the time. I’ve learned a lot and I have no regrets. Take care of yourself Jason. Thanks for the ride.”

  He couldn’t say anything more because I didn’t give him an opportunity to. I left and closed the car door behind me in a hurry. Truthfully, I just wanted to get away from him. I didn’t want him to see me cry. My tears came hard and I couldn’t discern why that was so. I really didn’t want to be with Jason anymore. I knew I deserved better. It was letting that fantasy go that was the hardest part. So many things I had to let go of. My grandmother, the fantasy of having a happily ever after with Jason, the hope that one day my father and sister would be sober, the optimism that one day I could have a mother who was really there for me. It was all too much to bear and I cried and cried until I couldn’t anymore.

  Chapter Nine

  It took me a good week to finally stop crying about all my misfortunes. Jason was nothing more than a thing of the past and I was happy to no longer carry those feelings for him. Yes, he would always hold a special place in my heart because he was good to me when I needed him. He was the only one who was there for me at the most vulnerable time of my life, when I was a teenager still trying to find myself and navigate the dysfunction of my family. He made me feel loved and I clung onto that for dear life. When I really thought long and hard about it, I couldn’t think of one reason why I would want to be with him now. That was a wonderful realization and it set me free. I didn’t really want him. It was all about what he provided for me as a kid. I needed him then, not now. Thank goodness for my counselor in Boston. She was available by video chat and helped me get back on my feet.

  Time passed and I busied myself with my job and even took on extra hours. It was August and school would start up soon. There were a few things I needed to pick up for my dorm room so I headed to the store to shop. The shopping plaza was busy with other college students buying supplies as well as other shoppers. The home improvement store was packed as well, but I was lucky enough to find a parking spot in that lot which wasn’t too far from where I had to go. When I exited my car, I spotted David loading up his truck.

  Butterflies. I had butterflies in my stomach when I saw him. He was so gorgeous even though he wore nothing more than jeans, a t-shirt, and work boots. He looked so hot as his muscles bulged when he lifted up bags of something I couldn’t make out. As I made my way towards him, I checked my reflection on the window of a parked car. All seemed good, so I headed straight in his direction.

  “Hey Tori. How are you?” he asked as he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.

  “I’m fine. How are you?”

  “Good. Just grabbing a few things for a job site I’m working on. What are you up to?”

  “I’m picking up some things for school.”

  “Oh, when do you start?”

  “Two weeks.”

  “Oh wow, that’s soon.”

  He sounded disappointed, and that excited me. “Yeah.” It was all I could come up with.

  “Listen, I heard about you and Jason, and I’m sorry. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. How are you doing?”

  “Actually David, I’m fantastic. The best thing that ever happened was Jason and I going our separate ways.”

  Unconvinced he asked, “Really?”

  “Yes, really.” I told him with a smile.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “What?”

  “Are you hungry? It’s just about lunchtime. Let me buy you lunch.”

  Food was the last thing on my mind when I stood next to him, but a chance to spend more time with him was something I wouldn’t pass up.

  “Yeah, sure. You can buy me lunch.”

  “Hop in. I’ll drive.” He said.

  We went to a casual restaurant that was really a glorified pizzeria. We were seated and the waiter took our orders. David studied me for a moment before he spoke.

  “So talk to me. What really happened with Jason? He said you wanted more from him again and when he said no, you told him you were done with him.”

  “Listen, I don’t want to spend our entire lunch talking about Jason. I’m over it and I’m over him.”

  “How can you say that? It was always Jason for you, and now you’re over him? Just like that?”

  “Yes. Just like that. I woke up. When you think about it, what did Jason and I really have? We had a past riddled with hook ups and break ups. We didn’t have a real relationship. And we were just kids. Before I came back to town, it had been three years since we’ve spoken or seen each other. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend for part of that time. Hell, I didn’t even know he got into the insurance business or who he even worked for. I know nothing about him as an adult.”

  The waiter set my salad in front of me and gave David his pizza.

  “But Tori, he’s always been the one for you. When we were just teenagers, you were always so sure, you never gave up on him, you always took him back because you said he was the one for you. Then when you got back, you two picked up right where you left off.”

  “Exactly! Like an old habit. Don’t get me wrong; Jason will always have a special place in my heart. But I’m not a kid anymore. I’ve grown up a lot while I was gone. When I was out in Boston, I took advantage of the on-campus counselors. I learned a lot about myself, but when I came home, all of it went out the window! I fell back into Jason’s arms again, but that’s because that was always my role when I lived here. I got caught up in it again.”

  “Are you telling me that you guys are really over? Like, for good?”

  “I’m saying that what my counselors have been trying to tell me for all these years finally made sense. I held onto Jason because he was the only positive thing in my life at a time when I was in turmoil. I’m not there anymore. He isn’t the one for me. I don’t want him and he could never give me what I need.”

  “What do you need?”

  Our food sat untouched in front of us. He looked at me so intently and my heart raced. “I need to be with a guy who isn’t afraid to express his feelings. Someone who will love me and commit to me and not be scared.”

  “I’ll probably go to hell and I’m sure I may be the shittiest best friend ever, but I don’t want to lose my chance of having something real. I’ve had my share of superficial relationships and I’m tired of it. I’m sick of not acting on what I feel for you.
I know I can give you all the things you need.”

  There was no way he couldn’t hear my heart beating with the way it pounded. “David, I don’t even know how to respond.”

  “Just tell me you’ll give me a chance. We can keep it quiet, see where it goes. If it doesn’t work out, at least we tried. But if it does, well, we’ll deal with that later. I know you have feelings for me, Tori. I can see it in the way you look at me. And that night at your house, I know that if I kissed you, you wouldn’t have pulled away.”

  He was right and I didn’t want to lie to him. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have pulled away. I wanted you to kiss me so badly.”

  “You know what we need to do? We need to go out, alone. Out of this neighborhood, away from everyone. Can you go out tonight?”

  I couldn’t say no. “Yeah, I can go out tonight. What time should I be ready?”

  “I’ll be by your house at eight. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, that sounds good.”

  I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding and ate my salad. For the first time since being back home, I felt happy and excited. Our lunch was great and he dropped me off back at the store when it was over. It was hard to concentrate on my shopping. All I could think was I was going on a date with David. David!

  Chapter Ten

  It was exactly eight o’clock when David’s car pulled into my driveway. I was so excited I met him outside. It was a warm summer night and I did my best to look good for him. My efforts didn’t go unnoticed.

  “You look beautiful.”

  “Thank you. You look pretty good yourself.” I said bashfully.

  He held the door open for me and I slid into my seat. The cool air that blew through the vents felt great.

  “Where are we going?” I asked after we pulled away from my house.

  “Dinner at Carmine’s.”