Last Christmas (Bound Together)

by Coulson, Marie

  “Wow. A text? That’s cold. No wonder you’re screwed up.”

  I shot her an irritated look. “I’m not screwed up.”

  She shrugged. “Really? Tell me, how many woman have you fucked since you broke up?”

  I didn’t want to answer. I’d already done to adding up and I was well into double figures.

  “A few.”

  “I bet. And tell me, do you actually feel any better?”

  I got off the stool, placed my cup on the counter and kissed her cheek.

  “Thanks for the coffee. I gotta go. And thanks for last night too. I’ll see you around.”

  She smiled and shook her head.

  “Okay, if that’s how you handle it. Great for you. It won’t work though, just so you know. I tried it. I’m still doing it. You’re number forty five for me. And we both know I won’t see you again. I prefer it that way too. I’ll walk you out.”

  I glanced at Boxer and walked cautiously past the beast.

  The girl laughed. “He won’t bite you. I called him off.”

  I gave her a weak smile. Opening the door, I walked into the hallway of her apartment building. She leaned against the frame and placed her hand on my arm.

  “It will get better. But what you’re doing is just making other people as miserable as you. You know how it feels to wake up and feel used, worthless and unwanted?”

  Yeah, I knew exactly how that felt. It’s how I felt every damn day and whenever I thought about Layla.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Anyway, take care of yourself and that mutt.” She smiled and nodded at me.

  “You take care too, Oliver and it’s Alice, by the way.”

  Alice. I was right the first time.

  I smiled and made my way out to the parking lot where my monster was glistening in the morning sunlight.

  Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cell.

  I dialed and it answered on the first ring.

  “Amy? I screwed it all up. Can I come home now?”

  ****

  I walked in my front door and my mom immediately came bustling towards me from the kitchen.

  “Where have you been? I’ve hardly see n you for two weeks. You stay out almost every night and Patrick has been asking me constantly where you are. Are you on drugs?”

  She cupped my face with her hands and pulled my bottom eyelids down with her thumbs. I batted her hands away and groaned.

  “Will you get off of me? I am not on drugs. I’ve just been…busy. That’s all.”

  She gave me a judgmental look. “I hope you used protection with these things that have kept you so busy.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Well duh, I’m not that stupid. Just because you were a screw up doesn’t mean I am.”

  She fisted her hands on her hips and glared at me.

  “Okay Oliver. That’s it. Enough is enough. I don’t care how you talk to me or treat me, I deserve it. I know I have to earn your trust and your respect but I will not sit idly by and watch you destroy yourself over that girl! I knew the moment I met her that she was trouble and I begged her to let you go.”

  “You can hate me, you can never speak to me again but I love you and I will always look out for you. I let you down as a kid and I will not do it again. You need to get your shit together and work this out before you really get hurt or hurt someone else.“

  I was speechless. She was actually making sense. For the first time since we’d reconnected, I actually…felt something for her. It wasn’t love and it definitely wasn’t respect; it was more like…gratitude? She cared about me. She cared enough about me to let me hate her and she still wanted to protect me and help me? Wow.

  I stared at her for a moment and she gave me a sympathetic look.

  “I’m fucked up. I don’t know what to do, think or feel anymore. I need to get away for a while. I’m gonna go stay with Amy and Mel.”

  She nodded weakly.

  “It’s Christmas next Tuesday. Will you be back? And what about your job?”

  I gave her a reassuring smile.

  “I’ll be back for Christmas. I promised Patrick remember? It’s our first Christmas together. And I already asked Mark for some vacation time over the holidays. I’m off till New Year’s.”

  She gave me a cautious look as she gently wrapped her arms around me. I guess she wondered if it was okay. Deciding to cut her some slack, for the first time since we met, I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back. I could feel her body shake slightly as she sniffed through her tears.

  “Shhh, don’t…don’t cry.” I sighed deeply as she buried her face in my chest. She held me so tightly, as though it were for the very last time.

  “I’m so sorry Oliver. For everything. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most and when I was, I was the worst at the job. But I promise, no matter what, I will always be the mother you deserve now. I won’t screw this up ever again. I love you little dark haired boy.”

  What did she call me? I pulled away and stared at her as a faint but distinct memory, came flooding back to me.

  I remember being very small. I was playing in the backyard and I tripped over my father’s toolbox. All his stuff fell out and sprawled across the lawn. The weather had been bad and the ground was thick with mud. My father came out and oh boy was he mad. He picked me up by the collar and yelled at me. He yelled so loud it made my ears hurt. All I remember next was seeing his belt. I thought he was gonna hit me with it for sure but he didn’t. He didn’t because…she stopped him. I remember that. She took me away from him, into the house and put me in my room. And I remember what she said to me.

  “You mustn’t make him mad sweetheart. You know how he gets when he’s had his special drink. Play in your room and be quiet okay? There’s my good little dark haired boy.”

  Fuck! She cared about me and once, just once in the entire time she was in my life, she’d protected me. I stared at her and I could feel the tears in my own eyes. Maybe there was hope for us yet.

  “What is it Oliver? What’s wrong?”

  I stuttered and stumbled over my words.

  “You…I…I remember when you called me that.”

  She nodded and tears slid silently down her red cheeks.

  “I should have called you that every day for your whole life. I messed it up so badly, Oliver, but when I see the man you are today, I am so proud to be able to call you my son. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will never let you down again. I swear it.”

  I wanted to believe her. I wanted to trust her and what she said. But it was going to take a lot more than a memory to make me put my faith in her again. I felt a little bad for her and even kind of sad to see her so upset. Seeing a woman cry was always something I’d been uncomfortable with, even when they should be.

  I placed my hand on her shoulder and sighed deeply.

  “I should get going. It’s a long drive to Pasadena.”

  “What should I tell Patrick?”

  I shook my head. “It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.”

  She nodded in agreement and opened her mouth to speak but closed it quickly again. There was obviously something she needed to say and I hated it when people never said what they were thinking.

  “What is it? You look like you have something to say.”

  “Ollie, do you think you will ever be able to go see your father? I know the man he was and I know the man he is now but when it’s all said and done…he’s still your father.”

  “You grew up in horrible circumstances, but you had a home, a warm bed at night and food to eat. He wants to see you. It could be your last chance to say all that you need to and get closure. Please tell me you’ll at least think about it?”

  My head fell back and I held my hands over my face. I groaned in exasperation.

  “I’ll think about it. But that’s all I’ll promise.”

  I don’t care how sick he said he was. To me, that asshole had been dead for years. To me, he died the first time he broke my arm, wh
en he scarred me and when he broke bottles over my head at ten years old. I had no sympathy, care or any feeling besides hate for that man.

  The mere mention of him had my blood boiling and my temper raging. I needed to calm down before I spoke to Patrick.

  Turning on my stereo, I walked around my room and packed my overnight bag.

  I heard Patrick come home from school. He always came running in to tell me about his day and today was no exception.

  “Ollie! Ollie!”

  I came out of my room and yelled down the stairs at him.

  “Up here superstar.”

  He ran up the stairs and burst into my room.

  “I got a B in math!”

  He waved a piece of paper in front of me and grinned. Taking it from him I matched his enthusiasm.

  “That’s awesome champ! Way to go.”

  Tilting his head, he spotted my overnight bag and gave me a puzzled look.

  “Where are you going?”

  I looked back at the bag and smiled. I didn’t want me going away to ever be something that made Patrick sad.

  “I’m just going to visit my friends for a few days for the holidays. I’ll be back for Christmas though, I promise.”

  He looked at me, unsure for a moment before throwing his arms around my waist and hugging me tightly. I crouched down in front of him and hugged him back.

  “Hey, come on. It’s just a few days. You look after mom while I’m gone okay? You’re the man of the house. You’re the boss.”

  He smiled at me “Does that mean I get to stay up late and ride the monster like you do?” I chuckled.

  “No. You still have to go to bed and you’re way too young to be driving. But, it does mean that I trust you to be responsible and behave yourself. You can call me anytime. My number’s by the phone.”

  Grabbing my bag, I headed down stairs as he followed behind me. Mom was waiting by the door and smiled at us as we walked down.

  “Be safe and call when you arrive. Understand? “I gave her a playful salute and turned to Patrick.

  “Be good alright?” He gave me a salute of his own and I laughed, hard.

  I hated leaving him, but I was in a bad place and my head was all over. I couldn’t be the brother I should be or a role model he could be proud of till I got my shit together. I just hoped that Amy and Mel weren’t still mad at me.

  Chapter 11

  Home

  The drive to Pasadena seemed to fly by. I thought the ride would help clear my head, but it didn’t and by the time I pulled up outside the girls’ apartment, I was more confused than ever.

  I knocked on the door and held my breath. Please don’t still be mad. Please don’t still be mad. Amy opened the door and cocked her head to the side.

  I sighed and rubbed my eyes with my finger and thumb.

  “I fucked up Amy. Can I come home now?”

  She gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded. “Of course you can. You always could.”

  I walked in and threw my bag on the couch. Mel was sitting in her usual chair and as I walked in, she immediately got up and threw her arms around me. “Oh rock star. I’m so glad to see you. Are you okay?”

  Slumping down onto the couch, I rested my elbows on my knees and held my head in my hands. Amy and Mel sat on either side of me and draped an arm around my shoulders.

  “I fucked it up. I thought I could get the old Ollie back but it looks like he got ripped out of me right around the time Layla showed up. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

  Mel rested her head on my shoulder. “You just need to figure out what you want. Find a new dream and maybe go back to college.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. All I know is that I’m fucking miserable. I have banged, fucked and screwed every girl I met and I still can’t fill this fucking hole in the pit of my stomach.”

  Amy let out a long breath. “Ollie, why don’t you come with us to Mel’s parent’s this weekend? We’re leaving tomorrow to stay there while they’re on their annual trip to the mountains.”

  I stared at her in disbelief. “You’re kidding right?”

  She gave me a confused look before turning to Mel, I guess hoping for answers. Mel rolled her eyes at her. “Oh Amy, come on. Yes Ollie, come stay in the house right next door to Layla’s family home and the place you spent one of the happiest Christmas’ of your life!”

  Amy winced. “Oh shit. I’m sorry Ollie, I forgot. You can totally stay here if you want.”

  I thought about my options they’d given me and though I really didn’t want the trip down memory lane, I didn’t want to be alone either. Taking the lesser of two evils, I agreed to go to Mel’s house. I mean, it’s not like Layla was going to be there. She and Mr. Millions were spending Christmas in Paris or London or Rome. Or wherever the fuck else he was taking her.

  “No, I’ll come. I’d rather be in pain there with you guys than here on my own.”

  ****

  Pulling into the driveway at Mel’s place, I took off my helmet and stared at the house. Layla’s house. The door I’d kissed her up against. The driveway I’d chased her down after her parents caught us that night and the lights her father had hung by himself this year. My heart ached as a whole barrage of memories came flooding back to me.

  Mel caught me staring and called out to me. “Hey spunk punk, help me get the bags?”

  I shot her a quick smile and headed over to the car to help her unload.

  “Don’t torture yourself Ollie. Help me get this shit inside and we can order some pizza. Sound good?”

  I gave her a peck on the cheek and hauled a very large Louis Vuitton case out of the trunk.

  “Sounds perfect.”

  ****

  Lying on the floor, I laughed as Amy groaned and moaned, rolling around beside me. “I told you not to eat that last slice. Know your limits grasshopper.” Mel belched loudly from the couch.

  “I am so proud of you. The student has surpassed the teacher.” She fisted her hand and did a little air punch.

  “Hell yeah! Five slices and he’s all ‘oh God I can’t eat another bite’ while I’m over here all ‘fuck yeah! Eight slices bitches!’”

  I chuckled and shook my head at her. “Wanna put a movie on?”

  Mel and Amy had gone to the store while I unpacked and had picked up some movies for us to watch.

  “Sure. Amy, put one on.”

  Grumbling, Amy slid and crawled over to the tv and put on the movie at the top of the pile.

  “What is it Amy?”

  Amy shrugged. “Just a random thriller I picked up. Sounded good though.”

  I stared at the screen and as the opening titles came on, I took in a sharp breath.

  It was the same movie I had taken Layla to that first trip to the movies. I held my hand to my chest absentmindedly. She’d spent most of the movie with her head buried there and I could still remember the sound of her breathing whenever it got too scary.

  A cushion hit me on the back of the head and I snapped my head round to glare at Mel. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I said could you go get the popcorn?”

  I shook the thoughts of Layla and the movies from my head, got to my feet and headed for the kitchen.

  Standing in front of the microwave, I gripped the edge of the counter tightly.

  A pair of arms wrapped around my waist and a body pressed into my back.

  “I’m sorry I was so mean to you, Ollie. You were right who you see and what you do is your business.”

  I turned and hugged Amy to my chest tightly.

  “No, you were right. I thought I knew what I was doing but I was totally fucked up to think it could make me feel better or take the pain away.”

  “Shhh. You didn’t fuck it up. You got lost and went on the rebound, Ollie. It’s normal. Everybody does it. Come watch the movie with us. You’ll feel better.”

  I shook my head. “I doubt it. That’s the movie I took Layla to.” She gave me an apologetic look.

  “Oh
, well that’s okay; we can totally switch it off and…”

  I smiled at her and held up my hand to silence her talking. “No it’s cool. I was gonna take a walk anyway. I think I can still find my way around. You guys watch the movie and I’ll be back soon.”

  “You sure?”

  I nodded enthusiastically.

  “Abso-fuckin-lutely.”

  The microwave pinged and I released my hold on her. I took the bag of popcorn out and handed it to Amy. “I’m gonna head out then. I’ll be back in like an hour.”

  We walked into the living room and Mel eyed me curiously. “You’re not watching the movie with us?”

  I shook my head. “Nah, you watch. I was thinking of taking a walk so I’m gonna head out. I’ll be back in a little while. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which these days, gives you a lot of free reign.” I winked at the two of them and smiled as I watched my friends cozy up on the couch together.

  God I missed that.

  ****

  I walked for about thirty minutes around the streets near Mel’s place before heading to the one place I knew I would end up, whether I tried to avoid it or not.

  It was past nine in the evening and the whole park was silent. Walking across the lush grass I saw our spot and stopped dead in my tracks. I closed my eyes tightly before opening them and heading for the large tree in the middle of the lawn.

  I stared at the engraving and held my hand over the letters. Tears were in my eyes and I was glad that I was alone because as I turned my back against the tree and slumped to the ground, I cried. For the first time since that night I caught Layla coming home from that asshole’s place, I cried. I wasn’t sobbing or bawling, no shit like that. I just…cried.

  I missed her and even though I knew I shouldn’t. Even though every breath in my body screamed I shouldn’t, I still loved her.

  I rested my head against the wood behind me and swiped my tears away before standing up.

  I brushed myself down and turned to look at the tree one last time. Sentimental shit. It meant nothing to her and it should mean nothing to you anymore. Forget it.

  God, if it were only that fucking simple I wouldn’t be in this mess. Cursing myself under my breath, I hit my fist hard against the tree. I slammed into it over and over till my knuckles dripped with blood.