22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know
Page 1
“In great Rudy style, Ms. Simone shares her frank honesty and first-hand knowledge of what females on the spectrum need, desire, and deserve. She sheds light on the enigma surrounding females with Asperger’s syndrome and shows her readers the whys and wonders behind the female with AS. Thanks to Rudy, I can now see many mutually satisfying relationships possible between Aspergirls and their partners! Right on!”
—Liane Holliday Willey, author of Safety Skills for Asperger Women: How to Save a Perfectly Good Female Life
“I find this book extremely well written in a language that nonautistic individuals can identify with and get the point of what Rudy Simone is trying to convey.”
—Deborah Lipsky, author of From Anxiety to Meltdown and Managing Meltdowns
“Rudy Simone does it again! Like her other books, Rudy provides the direct instruction to empower those desiring better understanding and appreciation of women with Asperger’s syndrome. The ‘Partner’s words’ ending each chapter succinctly summarize and are great at driving home each one of the 22 points. My highest recommendation for anyone wanting a deeper and more meaningful relationship with the female with Asperger’s syndrome in their lives.”
—Stephen M. Shore, EdD, Assistant Professor of Special Education, Adelphi University, internationally known consultant and presenter on issues related to the autism spectrum
“Reading Rudy’s second book concerning 22 things was just as enlightening and informative as her first book. Whether you are male or female this book will speak your language. I love the down-to-earth approach Rudy takes and the plain speak she uses to take us there. I love the all rounded, no bull, tackle the unmentionable and answer the hard questions stuff that Rudy refuses to shun. Being in a relationship myself with an Aspergirl I recognise so many of the day to day issues. I wish I had read 22 Things so many years ago. It would have explained such a lot and saved us from some of the smog. No matter, it’s here now. We need this book!”
—Wendy Lawson, psychologist, qualified counselor, social worker and autism advocate, author of many books on topics relating to autism spectrum disorders
“In her inimitably warm, witty, and disarming style, Rudy Simone casts light on what you need to know about having a relationship with a woman on the spectrum. One of the most damaging stereotypes of autistic people is that they are uninterested in or incapable of intimacy, and Simone demolishes that stereotype while offering practical, down-to-earth tips that will help you navigate the nuances of forging a lasting relationship with an ‘Aspergirl.’ Addressing everything from sex, to sensory issues, to emotional vulnerability, to giving and receiving criticism in a caring and safe way, Simone offers a road map that will help you avoid potential pitfalls with the one you love and start building a life of closeness, passion, and honesty together.”
—Steve Silberman, contributing editor of Wired magazine and neurodiversity blogger for the Public Library of Science
22 Things a Woman with ASPERGER’S SYNDROME Wants Her Partner to Know
Rudy Simone
Foreword by Tony Attwood, PhD
Illustrated by Emma Rios
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia
First published in 2012
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
116 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JB, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA
www.jkp.com
Copyright © Rudy Simone 2012
Foreword copyright © Tony Attwood 2012
Illustrator copyright © Emma Rios 2012
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.
Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978 1 84905 883 4
eISBN 978 0 85700 586 1
Converted to eBook by EasyEPUB
Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgements
Introduction
1 So, you want to date an Aspergirl?
Partner’s words
2 Try feeling this!
Partner’s words
3 She is not broken…you don’t need to fix her
Partner’s words
4 No wire hangers…ever! Why she has control issues
Partner’s words
5 Everyone’s a critic… but she’s better at it than you
Partner’s words
6 Break on through to the other side
Partner’s words
7 It might seem like her special interest is herself
Partner’s words
8 She only needs one friend…and the winner is, you!
Partner’s words
Her words
9 Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true
Partner’s words
10 Home is where her heart is…and her body much of the time
Partner’s words
11 Even if you think of her as a woman, she might not
Partner’s words
12 Her name isn’t Mommy…no matter how much she loves her child
Partner’s words
13 How to turn a hotbed into a hot bed
Partner’s words
14 Why soothing behaviors (formerly known as stimming) are good for her…and you
Partner’s words
15 Jumping for joy… or bouncing, or twirling
Partner’s words
16 Tongue-tied but not twisted…just because she can’t verbalize her emotions, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have them
Partner’s words
17 Depression—the enemy on our borders
Partner’s words
18 The mood swings…do more than duck
Partner’s words
19 Trust—abuse it and lose it
Partner’s words
20 Is it obsession or is it love?
Her words
21 You may find more in common as you get older
Partner’s words
22 Asperger’s is a reason, not a label, not an excuse
Partner’s words
Last Words
Glossary Of Terms
Bibliography And Other Resources
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ONLINE RESOURCES
OTHER BOOKS BY RUDY SIMONE
Foreword
We know much more about how boys and men express and cope with the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome than we do about girls and women. Boys are usually diagnosed in their early childhood, their features being conspicuous in the classroom and playground, while girls are more likely to be diagnosed in adolescence or adulthood. The reason is
that girls have a more constructive way of coping with and camouflaging their social confusion and difference. They can become avid observers of other children and intellectually decipher what to do in social situations; they learn to imitate other girls, adopting a persona and acting like someone who can succeed in social situations; they become social chameleons. Some girls escape into imagination and create an alternative world. They constructively avoid social interactions and playing with other children, choosing instead to engage in creative solitary play, read fiction or spend time with pets and animals.
For the woman who has the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, there are several pathways to diagnosis, of which you, as her partner, may be aware. She may have been diagnosed as a child or adolescent, in which case she probably benefited from and may still have access to guidance from support services for children and adults with Asperger’s syndrome. Another possibility is that she was diagnosed as an adult when the stress, strain and exhaustion of intellectually analyzing social situations, and acting “normal” but being rejected, bullied and teased, resulted in a secondary mood disorder such as depression, or an anxiety or eating disorder. A third possibility is that she had felt different to other children, and had difficulties with friendships and relationships and finding successful employment and promotion and, by acquiring information on Asperger’s syndrome, recognized that the characteristics explained her own profile of abilities and experiences throughout childhood. A fourth option is that of a family member being diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder; the resulting awareness within the family of the range of expressions of autism, including the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, highlighted that she herself has Asperger’s syndrome. This can include her own child being diagnosed with autism, leading to her recognizing the similarities with her own childhood experiences. A final possibility is that, sometime into the relationship, you as her partner started to recognize difficulties in the relationship that could be explained by Asperger’s syndrome.
For a relationship to occur and flourish there must be qualities in the woman with Asperger’s syndrome (diagnosed or undiagnosed) that are appealing to her partner. There are two types of people who can easily fall in love with someone with the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome. The first are those with a similar profile of abilities, experiences and interests. For example, they both have a great interest in animal welfare and meet as volunteers at an animal refuge; or perhaps they are both librarians, engineers or entomologists. Like attracts like, and both may have similar social, intellectual and relationship needs. The second type are those who are naturally talented in their ability to understand the perspective of others, including the perspective of someone who has Asperger’s syndrome. These people may have careers in the caring professions and be gregarious and empathic by nature. These “extreme neurotypicals” can be magnets for those with Asperger’s syndrome, who seek someone who understands their motivation and thought processes, can provide guidance in social situations and help moderate emotions.
During their adolescence, some girls with Asperger’s syndrome are renowned at school for being extremely well behaved, and are late developers in terms of romantic relationships, having an almost puritanical attitude to intimacy. Their first intimate experiences can be several years later than their peers and their first sexual experiences are with their marriage partners, who may be attracted to their childlike innocence and naivety.
There is an alternative trajectory; adolescent girls with Asperger’s syndrome can develop low self-esteem due to being bullied and teased by peers, and rather than enforce social and moral conventions, decide to actively contravene them, becoming vulnerable at a relatively early age to relationship and sexual predators. They may not have the intuitive ability to identify disreputable characters, but tend to set their relationship expectations very low, and often experience multiple abusive relationships.
A small group of women with Asperger’s syndrome are notorious for being promiscuous and enjoying sex without emotional attachment; but in general women with Asperger’s syndrome are renowned for being loyal and trustworthy, and for having a strong moral code. They may also be admired by their partners due to the positive qualities of Asperger’s syndrome they possess, such as their talents in science, arts or languages, or their ability to care for animals, that enhance the attraction for their partner.
The “fall,” when falling in love with someone who has the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, can be to a great depth initially. The relationship is for a while extremely enjoyable, but love is blind, at least to begin with. Over time, various issues can arise that can lead to an awareness of significant differences in both expectations and communication styles within the relationship. The woman’s coping strategy of imitation and acting the role of a “culturally typical” woman cannot be maintained indefinitely. Eventually her partner sees behind the mask, and recognizes both the daily challenges faced by someone who has Asperger’s syndrome, and the degree of mutual understanding, compromises and guidance that will be needed. This will be a real test of the quality of the relationship.
Within the relationship, communication is often problematic. For someone with Asperger’s syndrome, conversation may be primarily to exchange information rather than feelings, and the truth is often more important than compromise or agreement. In addition, people who have Asperger’s syndrome often have great difficulty disclosing and expressing their inner thoughts and feelings. They struggle to achieve a concept of an inner self, and have difficulty answering the question “Who am I?” Thus, self-reflection and self-insight to facilitate communication at a deeper level can be elusive. Over time, the typical partner fails to really get to know the inner thoughts and feelings of his or her partner.
We recognize that the emotional repair mechanisms of someone with Asperger’s syndrome can be different to those employed by other people, with a greater reliance on emotional repair and emotional safety in solitude. For example, there may be intense enjoyment in time spent engaged in a special interest as a counter balance or thought blocker for negative emotions. The person may choose to spend time with animals to alleviate distress. The typical partner’s first choice for emotional repair, however, may be a conversation where feelings are disclosed and shared, or an exchange of gestures and words of affection that act as a soothing and a powerful emotional repair mechanism. For both partners, there will need to be a mutual recognition and acceptance of their different ways of emotionally de-stressing, repairing and recovering.
There can also be differences in the need for social experiences. If both partners have the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome, they may agree on the frequency and duration of social engagements—both wanting to leave a party at the same time, for example. However, while extreme neurotypicals can find socializing energizing and enthralling, the same situation can be boring and exhausting for the person with Asperger’s syndrome. When a lack of disclosure of inner thoughts and feelings is combined with a reluctance to socialize with friends, the neurotypical partner can feel lonely.
There are other characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome that can affect the relationship. Daily experiences can be affected by the person’s sensory sensitivity, especially if she reacts in an extreme way to the adrenalin shock when surprised by a sudden loud noise, for example. Intimacy can be affected by the woman’s tactile and olfactory sensitivity; and friendship may be compromised by her being very sensitive to the negative emotional “energy” in a social gathering. She may demonstrate a lack of respect or recognition of conventional social and sexual boundaries, and may not follow society’s expectations of femininity—for example, she may prefer to wear practical, comfortable, somewhat “masculine” clothing rather than dressing in a fashionable or feminine way. She may also have an aversion for the tactile and sensory aspects of makeup and perfume.
While we have considerable literature to help couples where a male partner has the characteristics of
Asperger’s syndrome, this is the first book to describe, explore and provide hope and practical advice for a relationship where a woman has these characteristics. Rudy Simone boldly goes where no author has gone before with insight and enterprise. This book will revive and rescue relationships.
Tony Attwood
Minds & Hearts Clinic
Brisbane, Australia
Acknowledgements
I’d like to thank the women and men who generously shared their experiences and thoughts, with transparency and trust: Ann Marie, Audra, Brandy, Brandy, Charlie, Dan, Danielle, Dannye, Donna, Erica, Faye, Fiona, Heather, Hylda, Jennifer, Joanne, Jordan, Karen, Leith, Mike, Natasha, Pam, Sabrina, Sarah, Sean, Sharron, Shyam, Suzanne, Tamora, Tim and Zolf. Forgive those I missed. You all helped me put into words what is often difficult to express, particularly when the need is greatest. I’d also like to give a special nod to Jessica, who has changed my life and the lives of so many others by giving authors a voice.
Introduction
Since my first book 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome (2009) came out, I have received many requests to write a companion piece, about being in a relationship with an Asperger female. The requests were mostly from AS women. Females, whether they have AS or not, tend to want to figure out relationships. Trouble is, AS females are not so good at that. While men seem to be hard-wired to figure things out, rather than people, my own male partner is much more adept at social relationships than I am. Lucky for me. Not all men are or are even willing to try. This tilts the whole concept of gender roles in relationships on its ear. When you are in a relationship with an Aspergirl, you may need to take the reins socially, and you will need to be sensitive to the special needs inherent in autism. Ignorance is not an option. Denial is not an option—you can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.
Many people have asked me, “What good is a label?” Why label something Asperger’s or autism if the person doesn’t seem that affected? The operant word here is “seem.” Nobody knows what goes on in a person’s interior life moment to moment, and just because they’ve learned to play ball very well, doesn’t mean it’s not putting an incredible amount of stress and strain on them emotionally, mentally, and physically. Hence the meltdowns. Anyone who’s spent a significant amount of time with an autistic adult or child will have witnessed one. This hurricane of emotion, pain, and fury, is indicative of the amount of turmoil that is going on inside, which is usually brewing beneath the surface. If you love someone with autism or Asperger’s, you owe it to yourself to know what things make that storm rise to critical level and what things you both can do to avoid it. Whether it is sensory overload, social difficulties, or cognitive confusion, every problem, every challenge has a solution.