22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know

by Rudy Simone

  That said, what about the gifts of autism and Asperger’s? Finally people are beginning to understand that autism doesn’t just mean difficulty expressing emotion, difficulty understanding social cues, body language, etc. It also means that he or she may have gifts. What those gifts are vary from person to person; some may have a mind like a camera or an audio recorder; others have the ability to mimic, sing, paint, write, design, invent, organize, visualize, and more. We’re not all geniuses of course, but even if our talents are modest, most of us can focus on our special interests or tasks with an amazing amount of stamina and focus.

  So why is this book needed? There isn’t a lot of information about female Asperger’s, with only a few notable exceptions springing to mind, including Liane Holliday Willey’s latest, Safety Skills for Asperger Women: How to Save a Perfectly Good Female Life (2011). I’ve included some more in the resources section at the back of the book. As I talked about in my book Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome (2010b), Asperger’s not only presents differently in females, but is perceived differently because of society’s expectations of gender. Within that, each girl, while sharing common spectrum traits, will have a unique profile, personality, and set of abilities. Some of those abilities will be obvious and practical, others may be more obscure and difficult to put to practical use in terms of career or lifestyle, but they are abilities nonetheless. Virtually every spectrum girl will have areas of intense focus and interest, even if those do change abruptly from time to time. How can you, the partner, help those areas flourish so she can create meaning in her life? I’ve said it many times, and it is my personal motto and belief that “validation and support can mean the difference between a painful existence and a life fully expressed.” I know what I’m talking about. I’ve experienced firsthand the pitfalls of an undiagnosed and unsupported life. Running away from home, being arrested, dropping out of school over and over again, two failed marriages and countless relationships that ended badly, losing custody of my child for a while, wandering the globe like a bedouin with no tribe, being beaten up and otherwise assaulted, statutory rape, poverty, and much much more. As light as this book is, and I’ve tried to make it as readable as possible, the issues it discusses are serious, and the consequences dire for an innocent heart. And at the bottom of it all, is the innocence and purity that I have seen in every autistic person with rare exception, and that, only because cruelties have tainted it.

  I’ve finally found, in my late forties, the validation of diagnosis and the support of a truly loving and understanding partner. It is the difference between prison and freedom, between happiness and heartache, between heaven and hell to be quite frank. It’s not that my life is perfect now and I don’t still have meltdowns or struggle with overload on a daily basis. I still go the wrong way when I get out of my car, I still get migraines from flickering fluorescents or sudden loud noises, and even occasionally fall up the down escalator. I still take things literally, even though I’m a comic. I still suffer excruciating shyness and fear of people, despite being on stage. Anxiety is still the basic platform from which I operate. But I know why, and that has made all the difference. That and having someone in my life who says, not only “It’s going to be fine,” but, “You’re fine just the way you are.” My hope in writing this book is to help other Asperger females find that kind of love and support. In Aspergirls, I spoke directly to the women first and then offered advice to those around them. In this book, I speak directly to the partners.

  Lastly, I want to make clear to my gay readers that I include you as well. “Partner” means boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, and I apologize for any use of gender-specific terminology throughout. This is not intended as a slight, just a convenience. I also think that much of the information will be useful to anyone involved with an Aspergirl, whether a relative, friend, or even coworker.

  1

  So, you want to date an Aspergirl?

  Let’s say that you are not the partner of an Aspergirl, but you’ve met one that you quite like. Maybe she has told you she has Asperger’s, or maybe you’ve done a little research and you feel fairly convinced that she may be on the spectrum. She at least has a few traits.

  You are wondering (a) what’s the best way to go about asking her out, and (b) will dating an Aspergirl be as difficult as you may have heard from some sources?

  It is going to be perhaps different than other relationships you’ve had, and will have both rewards and challenges. Apparently, I am told by nonautistic friends (often referred to as neurotypical or NT), there is a courting game, a dance, that men and women do, and they learn it at a young age. Not autistic people or Aspergians, though. Most of us don’t even realize there is a game or a dance until we are much older, so no wonder we never learned the steps properly. You are not dealing with a savvy dater. While she may like you and let you know in no uncertain terms, she might not have a clue that you like her. But regardless, I do think it is important to take it slow.

  From all the women and men I’ve spoken with, it seems that the longest-lasting relationships start out as friendships rather than instant attractions, allowing time to build real understanding and trust. They are often based around mutual or at least compatible interests. This goes against the (young) Aspie’s tendency to be intensely attracted to things like hair and eyes, which are hardly any indication of actual character or compatibility.

  Some happy Aspergirls tell me that their partners seemed to share many of their characteristics, such as being apart from the crowd, eccentric, quiet, gentle. These often turn out to be AS/AS couples, for like often does attract like. Of all my relationships, looking back I can see that many of them were on the spectrum and we sensed a kindred spirit in one another. Of course, if you are NT, you can bring things to the relationship that she does not have within herself, so do not think for a moment that if you aren’t on the spectrum you won’t relate. And you might have many mutual interests besides.

  But whether you are Aspie or NT, the key ingredient here is that you enter into this with open eyes. Her good traits may be great traits, but don’t look at the sunlight glistening on the water and tell yourself that it looks calm, because there will be all kinds of things going on under the surface. Even the most self-aware Aspergirls, who face their challenges head on, still have sensory issues, social limits, high intelligence with unexpected cognitive deficits—there are all these things that will challenge you in your ideas of what a woman should be, what she can be and what she is. You may find that the model of your perfect woman you’ve built in your mind will be quickly torn down and reconstructed. You may get quite upset when this starts happening, but if you are somewhat mentally prepared, you will fare much better.

  If you ask her out and she says no, understand that many Aspies have faced a great deal of rejection, adversity, and bullying throughout their lives. As a result, she may be very careful of whom she shares her heart with. My advice is, be friends first and foremost. Even if she is ready to dive into a relationship (as some of us do, whether due to loneliness, excitement at this new suitor, or our own idealism and healthy sexual appetite) proceed with kindness and with caution. Read books, watch documentaries and films on both Asperger’s and autism. Asperger’s is regarded as being on the autism spectrum, but with its own unique challenges. We may be more present in terms of ability to process and communicate, but because our differences and deficits are invisible, expectations are higher in terms of social understanding and abilities. We have a hard time fitting in to society in general, and we often don’t get the support and understanding we need.

  If the time is right for a first date, make it clear where you will be going, whether it is dinner or drinks, what people wear in this place, even what the weather will be. It is probably best if you take the reins since she might have enough anxiety to deal with, without also having to choose the setting. Or, give her a couple options to pick from, not a Chinese menu of a hundred choices. And let it be just th
e two of you, unless you have mutual friends that she would like to invite.

  Do not have sex with her (or try to) right away. She is sensitive, and sometimes obsessive, and might not understand if you change your mind after one go, and decide you don’t want an intimate relationship after all. Or she might be very put off by premature advances. If you do go out with her and decide that she is not someone you could see yourself having a serious relationship with, tell her and move on. If you are friends, stay friends; but if you are not, make a clean break. Never ever use an Aspergirl for sex. Apparently some NT women are okay having purely sexual relationships. I do not think this is common for Asperger females. Not at all. We like our routines too much to have “casual sex” with different partners on a regular basis. And there would be too many adjustments to make.

  If you are the type of person who is overly concerned with what other people think, then you might not do well with an Asperger partner. I once had the perfect boyfriend in every possible way, except for one fatal flaw—he had to keep up with the Joneses, and he hated attracting raised eyebrows. Sometimes, with an Aspie, that will happen. We don’t always do or say what is expected; we can be unconventional, even eccentric. In the eyes of the right person, this is a good trait.

  Still here? The rest of this book will be your guidebook in this new adventure. You wouldn’t visit any exotic land without one, would you?

  Partner’s words

  “The first thing that caught my eye was her creativity. She had her very own unique sense of style and she didn’t really follow whatever was trendy, she just did her own thing. That is one part of her personality that I love, because she isn’t concerned with what everyone else is doing.”

  2

  Try feeling this!

  Did you ever read that story called “The Princess and the Pea” when you were a kid? If not I’ll fill you in. It’s about a girl who was so sensitive, she couldn’t sleep because there was a pea under her mattress. They stacked 20 mattresses and 20 feather beds, and she still could feel it. In the story, this proved she was a real princess. In real life, someone like that would not be seen as royalty, but as a royal pain.

  Not everyone on the spectrum is this sensitive, but most of us do have a heightened sense or two, if not six. If you’ve ever spent so much as one day with your Aspergirl, you will know this is true. Sensory issues are the one thing that every partner of an Aspie should be acutely aware of—as quickly as possible. It’s a prevalent aspect of AS. Strong smells might give her headaches. Fluorescent or flickering lights might make her feel disoriented. Perhaps she can’t touch paper or fold laundry without slathering on hand lotion first. Maybe she only wears soft sweats and t-shirts and still cuts all the tags off. Perhaps she jumps to mute the television the moment those obnoxiously loud commercials come on. Any of this sound familiar?

  This is what is known in everyday terms as a high-maintenance girl. She may not even think she’s high maintenance, because most of our stuff is about what we don’t want. This is the good news—we don’t generally need bling, or designer bags, or cologne, or highfalutin food. We tend to be natural, down-to-earth chicks. How is that high maintenance? But from an outsider’s perspective, sensory issues will at times make her seem difficult or irrational and can affect everything from a trip to the mall to your sex life. They are the underlying factor in a lot of other issues, including social overload.

  What causes this? Her ears/eyes/nose/tongue/skin probably look just like everyone else’s. If she takes a hearing or vision test, she may test normal. It’s the brain, my dears, that magnificent lump of grey matter between our ears which wreaks so much havoc. Our brain, the autistic brain, has its own little set of superhighways that allow certain things to speed along like a Japanese bullet train, while other roads are down for construction or haven’t even been built yet. We process differently. Can a loud sound cause physical pain? Yes. Can it kill us? Probably not, but it still hurts. A lot.

  Put yourself in our shoes. A cat sitting in front of a television does not see a program—it sees flickering lines only. This is because their eyes process differently. An autistic person senses things differently than a nonautistic. She really isn’t kidding, exaggerating, or making it up. I once threw up in a doctor’s office because the busy pattern of the wallpaper in the tiny room gave me motion sickness, and I wasn’t even ill! Just because you don’t experience this, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening to the Asperger female. Women tend to be more sensitive in these matters anyhow. An autistic female can be the epitome of that.

  The brain is a flexible organ, and over time some of these sensory things will lessen in intensity. Food aversions particularly seem to fade with age, and as long as we expose ourselves to new things and to challenges, others will too. Other things might become worse with age, or maybe we just become more self-aware. Then as we get older still, the senses become duller, so that what bothers us at 20 or 40 might not even be noticeable in our golden years. Yay! Something to look forward to!

  What happens when too many of our sensory buttons get pushed? We get overloaded, and if we don’t catch it in time we blow. Trouble is, we may not even know it’s happening ourselves. An autistic infant will have a meltdown in the cereal aisle of the supermarket, but usually the adult will do it in the parking lot, after the stress of concentrating, processing, and keeping it together in a busy, confined space. Transitions are important. When you leave a loud and busy place, and get in the car, if she says she needs the radio off for a while, or the window open, she means it. If she doesn’t want to talk for a while and needs total quiet, don’t petulantly ask “Why? What’s wrong with you? Why’s it always got to be about you?” Not a good idea. Instead, allow her time to decompress. Of course, compromise is important in any relationship, but during crucial moments it’s not always immediately possible. Imagine you’ve just run a race and you’re hot and sweaty and out of breath and someone gets in your face and wants something from you. She may not have run a race but her mind has, and her senses. She needs a few minutes to recoup. After a while, you will be able to close the window, or put your music back on, or whatever it is you need.

  Sensory issues can be managed by her and supported by you. Her sensory kitbag might consist of earplugs, headphones, lavender sachet, stress ball, hat, glove, glasses, whatever else she needs to cushion herself from the world (a bottle of tequila is probably not a good idea). You might even try having headphones in the car, so one of you can have music while the other has quiet. A smartphone or portable computer will enable her to pursue her special interests, always a balm for the ruffled Aspie soul.

  Like every issue in this book, it’s a two-way street. Negotiations need to be done in advance. If you want to hold hands and she doesn’t like the feeling, maybe she can bring gloves, for example. You can try to be quieter and she can either wear earplugs or desensitize herself (through therapy or practice). You can both adapt to the sensory issues and meet in the middle, you can live together even when you have different sensory needs, if you have tools and patience, as opposed to a “my way or the highway” attitude—that goes for both of you.

  My own partner was a great help to me in the beginning, reminding me to bring my artillery every time we went out. After a while, much of this became second nature, and his support has made me much less self-conscious. As a result, my stress levels have gone down and so has my need for so many sensory defenses. When our needs are met, they take on less significance than when they are not.

  There is a definite plus side to this sensory sensitivity—if there was a gas leak in your building, she’d be the first to sniff it out and raise the alarm. She can tell you if you are wearing too much cologne, and in some cases, skin sensitivity can make her very responsive to your slightest touch! That is not a bad thing, once you know how to touch her. We’ll talk more about that in another chapter.

  Partner’s words

  “She has a good sense of taste and smell, and can figure out what ingredien
ts are in a dish. If I like something we ate in a restaurant, she can usually reconstruct it.”

  3

  She is not broken…you don’t need to fix her

  It is amazing to me when I hear women say that they have Asperger’s, and one or more of their kids have it, but their husband hasn’t read a single book on it, because they “live with it.” If that’s the case, the relationship/family is not benefiting from the wisdom and experience of others who’ve been there. It’s important to read about, discuss, even attend conferences on autism spectrum conditions (ASCs). While you can pick up quite a lot by osmosis, if you have a prejudice against Asperger’s, your defenses will be up and you will notice the negatives a lot more than the positives. You might even be looking at the positives in a negative light.

  Your woman will never be cured, and there is no pill that will make it go away. There are medications and holistic concoctions that may help control the anxiety, ways and therapies to modify behavior, but there is no cure for autism. Most of us don’t want there to be. While we all want to help reach the children who are isolated and suffering because they cannot communicate, we all know from Temple Grandin’s example that with the right teachers and support, not only can even those children be brought into the light, they can become one of the lights of this world.