Valerie

by Richa Resa

  It was around six in the evening when I was allowed to see him. The nurses have had him cleaned and clean shaven,

  When I got in I saw him lying there on the hospital bed with IV hooked in his arm. I could only see a glimpse of the man that once that once I called my loving father. I sat beside him and my mind filled the thoughts of how much he turned from caring father to an uncaring one. I remembered all the things we did like playing games, running in the park and many other good times.

  My mind lingered on the happy thoughts and I started to thinking more about what life could have been if he didn't change. Would I be like this? Cold? Would life have been simpler and filled with love? Would mom be happy and alive? Just the mere thought of my mom made the anger burn inside me for him. Not wanting to see him I decided to go back home to come back tomorrow.

  Getting out of the hospital I checked my phone to distract me from my thoughts. There were messages from Melanie and my boss. I decided to neglect them. I was in denial but I wished to see Aiden's name flashing on the phone. I didn't know what to feel about him anymore but I was sure that I needed him right now. I was walking back home when I realized that I need to buy some things for the man that I called ‘Dad’. Picking out clothes and some other things, I went home.

  I don't know why, but the house felt so much empty without Aiden. He was the only one who filled this house and my life with some happiness and action. Not willing to dwell on the thoughts of him, I went to sleep early which too was not so easy. Even the bed reminded me of Aiden and me together. It was after too many toss and turns that sleep came to me.

  **************************

  Next morning, I woke up early. I called my boss letting her know about my dad being hospitalized, to her good nature she let me take off for two days considering it as a family emergency. I didn’t have any idea about what I’m going to do with my father but I knew that I still had to see him.

  I made the short journey to the hospital as quick as possible. When I entered his room, I found him staring at the ceiling. He didn't avert his eyes once as I settled myself on the chair beside him. It felt like he didn't care just like old days. I cleared my throat to get any reaction but none came.

  "Dad," I called him softly but his eyes didn't turn and looked anywhere but only at the ceiling. I was losing hope that he even remembered me; that thought somewhere felt like a sting to my heart.

  "It has been years since I heard that," he said in the same voice I have remembered to be his for years. He turned his face and looked at me. All I could see in his eyes was sadness and regret.

  "It has been years since I called you that," I said trying my best to feign a smile.

  "You shouldn't have brought me here. You should have let me die there on the footpath, Val. I’m not worth living, I deserve to die." I could see tears welling up in his eyes. I knew that he meant every word he said, I could see it from his eyes. I wanted to be devoid of emotions and hate him with everything in me but I just couldn't.

  I couldn't wish for him to die.

  "I did it for the sake of good times." It was the only valid reason I had. A small smile lit up his face when I said the word good times.

  "They were the best years of my entire life," he said, smiling. I knew he was reliving those moments in his memories. I don't know why but it hurt too know that they were the best for both of us and yet he was the one who destroyed us. Him smiling like that flared my anger.

  "I thought the best time for you was in the arms of another woman rather than your family," I could feel the bitterness lacing my voice. The smile vanished from his face and regret replaced it.

  "Those were the worst times of my life. Regret and guilt eats me away every day, Val. The worst part is that I hate the man I had become," his voice held this sorrow. It pleaded me for my sympathy. It made me want to comfort him and tell him everything is alright but I just couldn't. A silence enveloped us and all we did was dwell in our own thoughts.

  A knock on the door brought us back to reality. It was the doctor with a nurse following him.

  "Good morning, Mr. Ross, Miss Valerie." the middle-aged doctor bought some happiness and life to the dull room.

  "How is he doing, doctor?" I asked, watching my father’s eyes at me.

  "Your father is doing well, Miss Valerie. The test results just came back as I suspected. He has type two-diabetes and just flu. As I already told yesterday, he has to stay away from alcohol at all costs; even a small amount is hazardous for him. I have prescribed the medicines to bring him back to good health but he needs to be taken care of." The doctor informed, looking at my father who looked anywhere but at us. It felt like he was a child who was being scolded.

  "Would it be alright to take him back home today?" I questioned and my dad's eyes widened.

  "Yes, you can take him back home. The discharge papers are ready I would ask someone to bring them so all the formalities are down with." He looked at my father once again. “I wish you an early recovery, Mr. Ross," saying that he walked out with the nurse. We stayed silent for a more few seconds after the doctor left.

  "I brought you some clothes. You can change before we leave." I suggested and waited for him to get up. However, he didn't make any move and just stared at me with wide eyes.

  "Where are you taking me, Val?" He asked hesitating.

  "I'm taking you to my house," he lowered his head hearing my words.

  "You don't have to take me anywhere. You are not responsible for me, Val. There is no need for you to take care of me." His voice was filled with guilt as he spoke with his eyes downcast.

  "You are still a father to me and as I told you I’m just doing this for the sake of good times. You don't have to feel anything bad about it.” I let him knew why I was doing all this.

  “It would be really great if you change now." I suggested, giving him the clothes but not looking at him. I knew I sounded cold in the end but I tried my best not to. I just couldn't take out the bitterness and anger that I held for him from past so many years.

  The discharge formalities and other things went smoothly and quick. I took him back to my apartment. We didn't talk at all on our way back. Paying the cab driver, I took him up to my apartment and to the guest room that I had already made ready for him. Settling him inside the room I went to look at my phone only to be disappointed. I didn't find any message from Aiden. He hadn't made any contact since our last fight. I was getting a little desperate to hear his voice that I was willing to call him. I just couldn't do it because it would make me show weak. It would certainly show that I cared about him; harboured feelings for him which I didn't at all. Or did I?

  The rest of the day passed on in silence with dad resting in his room. The only little talk we had was about food and his medications, nothing else. It was in the evening when I found him sitting in the balcony looking at the sunset. Silence usually never bothered me. I was used to it from a long time but it hurt to not be able to talk to someone when you have one person to talk to. I decided to make some green tea and enjoy it with the sunset. I wanted answers from him about why he did all these things but I also knew he won't answer.

  "Tea?" I asked drawing him out from his own world. He gladly took the cup from my hand and averted his eyes back to the setting of the sun

  "Thank you," he whispered as I sat beside him; like the whole day there persisted a silence between us while we watched the sun going down.

  "I never wanted to destroy us as a family,” His words got my attention. “I never thought about doing such a thing. I wanted to live a happy life and grow old with you mother, Elsa. Have more children and play with my grandkids in the future." he told with a dreamy look on his face. His words had to be a lie. He destroyed us and now he regrets doing it. He had no right to.

  "But you did those horrible things, Dad. You broke your whole family, your own dreams; you bought those women to our home; in front of mom. You alone tore yourself apart and the dreams you held and you say you never wanted that t
o happen?” My voice filled with anger and bitterness. He was to be blamed for everything. I could see tears welling up in his eyes and it affected me somewhere, they broke a bit of the ice inside me heart.

  "I know Val. I did all these things. But I couldn't take the pain left from the betrayal. I was hurt, a lot and in my hurt I did the worst things. I destroyed the family we had. I let my rage and anger take over and destroy us. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't look at you and your mother without burning in agony. I just couldn't do it.” He cried out.

  “I felt so betrayed and cheated, that is why I decided to hurt Elsa and you from my actions. I should have acted like a mature person but I didn't and it eats me alive," Tears streamed down his cheeks and he looked so broken as if life was ripped out of his grasp. He was hurt and betrayed but why? How? He had been the one to betray mom. Why was he trying to play the victim now?

  "What are you talking about, Dad? Mom never betrayed you. You did that to her, you gave her pain, not the other way around. Stop blaming it on her!” The anger inside me rose. He looked up at me and the only thing I could see in his eyes was depths and whirlpools of pain. I didn’t like the look in his eyes; it felt as if the truth was going to break me.

  "Your mother cheated on me, Val. She broke our vows. She had an affair with someone in the initial years of our marriage," the world stopped. His words left me stunned. No, he had to be lying. I couldn't believe him. I just couldn't. My mom was sweet, caring, and loving. She never could have done something like that. But the worst was yet to come. His next words stabbed my heart. They knocked the breath out of me and I felt so much pain that it became unable for me to breathe.

  "You are not my daughter, Val, not my blood and flesh. You are just a result of your mother's affair with that bastard. You aren’t mine, Val.” He sobbed.

  “I have no children. I could never have them and that hurt me. I have no one in this world..." he cried out. I looked at him and saw a broken man; A man broken and hurt to an extent which couldn't be repaired. He let the tears shed while holding his head down.

  I felt something wet on my cheeks.

  I raised my hand to wipe it away and only found that I was crying too. I was beyond hurt and my heart writhing in pain. Never in million years was I ready to face something like this.

  I was an illegitimate child. I was nothing. Everything I thought I knew about myself was all a lie. I was nothing. Tears streamed freely down my cheek together with pain drowning me.

  Chapter 5

  Valerie

  I felt betrayed and hurt beyond control. I wanted to rip my heart out and finish it. There was this need inside to kill all the emotions within me. I wished to grow numb but it was hard. I wanted to bring my mother back from the grave and ask her what made her do such a thing. Was Dad not enough for her that she decided to play around? She was the loving wife and a mother, my idol, my everything but now she was nothing. What happened that made her do such a thing? How could she cheat? I needed to know the truth but was afraid of letting my heart be torn apart anymore. All these years, I cursed the wrong person that I knew as my father for my mother's death but who shall I blame it on now, myself or her?

  I didn't care about the cold I felt, about my phone ringing or anything else but the sorrow and pain I held in my heart. Dad sat there in front of me and wept but I didn't know what to say to him. All these years of hatred were for none of his faults. He was betrayed in the worst form by believing a child to be his which I never was. Silent tears cascaded down my cheeks like his and we both wept silently as the sun went down and the moon shone brightly in the dark sky illuminating the world.

  "I should leave, Valerie. I don't think you need to take any of my responsibility for me. I’m nothing to you.” He sobbed. “I’m so sorry for all of this, Valerie. I should have told you all of this way before when you left at the age of eleven, but at that time I was so busy trying to cope myself with the pain of deception and losing your mother that I couldn’t. Ever since she was gone I had blamed myself for her death. I realized I was an idiot who didn't want to hear anyone but feel sorry for myself and make your mother feel the way I did. I had made too many mistakes, Val, and I don't think my life is worth living anymore. I’m glad you found me; at last, I could let this burden off my chest. I’m truly sorry for hurting you and taking your mother away from you. I’m so sorry for everything." He apologized with regret heavy in his voice. He stood up with his eyes on me and then he turned away, moving away from me.

  I felt alone and empty. After so many years, I was feeling something but emptiness. Seeing him walk away, I felt once again like an orphan. I had a father, just had him back in my life but I was losing him too and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

  "Please don't go, Dad.” My words put his steps to a halt. “I know I don't have any right to call ... you that. But... I am so alone. I... don't have anyone left. Mom's gone, Grandma has left the world too. The only person I’m left with who I see as a parent is you, Dad. You are the only one I have left. I know I’m being selfish but please stay for those old times’ sake." I pleaded sobbingly. Bearing this pain was already too hard for me. I couldn’t see the one person I have found after so long, who had raised me in the initial stages of my life, had made me learn to walk, stayed with me when I cried of fear, played with me to, go away. I felt selfish for not letting him go but I needed my father now. I had managed for years to steer clear my mind from him by hating him for his wrongdoings. However, knowing the truth now, I couldn't hate him, not now and neither let him leave me. He turned and looked at me with my teary eyes.

  "Val, I’m not your real father. Also, I don't think you need me, dear. You have already done so much for yourself, on your own. You don’t need me." He said kneeling down to my level.

  "I know. I know it very much now but I’m being selfish and asking for you something like this, knowing that it pains you to know that I’m a result of your love's betrayal. But it's hard for me now. I have lived alone all these years, without anyone looking out for me, without any parent's love or any fatherly love, without you. I need someone to care for me, Dad. It's hard living like this. I have just got you back, dad, please don't leave me. Please don't; not this time. Please stay.”

  “I beg for you to stay Dad. Please stay for those times we have shared the daughter-father bond for .... Just please stay, Dad. Please." I begged him by joining my hands in front of me. I wished with all my heart for him to stay. I poured my heart out in front of him. Silence passed for minutes and my heart beat rose preparing itself for the feeling of being rejected by the fatherly love, for someone to care for me as a child. Tears streamed down both our faces.

  "I will stay, Val. I will stay," he said, holding my hands and lowering them down.

  "Stop begging Val. You are my child, my daughter. I’m so sorry that it took me so long to understand this.” he sobbed.

  “You will always be my daughter. My child maybe not by blood but by the fatherly bond I share with you; I have made you walk your first step, made you smile when you feel down, became a kid with you and raised you in your early stages." He said with a small smile on his lips looking at me adoringly as few tears rolled down his cheeks.

  "I have even changed your diapers too," he said chuckling. Even I laughed at this while crying.

  "I remember holding you for the first time when you were born, all pink and crying. I saw you as my world, my daughter, my star. You were everything to me. But I let you down; I let your mother down and myself, Val. I should have been a man and tried to reason with your mother but I didn't. I just ruined everything. Your mother loved me and even stayed when I broke her heart, tortured her with my actions. I was just a foolish man, blinded with the mask of betrayal and revenge. I had paid the price by losing her and even you, Val. I’m so sorry, my child. Please forgive me." He said with pained eyes looking straight at me. Seeing this, I did the one and only thing; I hugged my dad and cried with him. It was true he was my father not by blood but he would always s
tay with me as one in my own life. I don't care if about whom my biological father was but Bryan will always be my father.

  "I forgive you, Dad. I don't hate you. I forgive you," My father held as I cried my heart out. I had been all alone, trying to take care of myself, trying to fight everyone but now I had my one and only parent left to be with me.

  “Stop crying, Val. I don't think it's good for my health. Your old man has just got out from the hospital you know." He chuckled. I detached myself from him and looked straight at him. He had grown old with time as expected to be, wrinkles being formed on his face, his hair gone thinner with time but his eyes held the same sparkle that I remember he once had whenever he was with me.

  "No more crying, kiddo," He wiped away my tears. I nodded to him with a small smile on my lips and happiness flourishing in my heart. He stood up and brought his hand forward.

  "Come on kiddo." He said with a wide smile, wiping away the last remnants of both our tears. I gladly took his hand and stood up.

  "Why don't you freshen up while this father of yours works his magic in the kitchen?" He suggested. I was not sure to let him allow that or not. I was his daughter and he has just gotten out of the hospital and this was not something he was supposed to do. However, if I said no then he would feel bad or might take it to be something else.

  "Don't think too much about it, Val. I can cook and I’m fine enough to do so and more than happy to have my daughter back. Don't worry about me. Just go freshen up and come out then. Okay?" He said with happiness sparkling in his eyes.

  "Are you sure, Dad? I can cook, you know. It's no big deal” Before I could say more, Dad cut me off.

  "Go inside, kiddo and take a bath. That's your father's order. Understood?" I laughed at hearing this.

  There were times when I was stubborn and he would always say this to let me know that there was nothing more left to discuss. I nodded my head in affirmation and made way to my room to pick some clothes. I could see him happy and seeing that was the happiest thing for me.