Distant Dreams

by Judith Pella

  “Have you no interest in meeting and marrying a suitable man?” Margaret questioned.

  “Of course,” Carolina replied and thought she saw a shadow of relief in her mother’s eyes. “I just didn’t plan to do it all within the next month!”

  Margaret was clearly perturbed, and even Joseph frowned at Carolina’s outburst. “This isn’t like you, Carolina,” her father said sternly. “I can’t allow you to speak so disrespectfully to your mother.”

  Carolina was a rush of emotions. Her stomach was churning from memories of the tea conversation and especially of her sister’s claim to James. What could she say to her parents at this junction? That she suddenly realized James meant more to her than a tutor? That she was on the verge of considering whether she might actually have feelings for him? The thought sickened her. She couldn’t care about James that way. Virginia was absolutely right. James belonged to her and no other.

  “I’m sorry,” she murmured contritely and felt a cloud of depression settle over her.

  “You are to have a fitting this afternoon,” Margaret said, putting the matter behind them. “Since you seemed incapable of choosing a gown, I made the choice for you.”

  Carolina thought to protest but instead nodded meekly. “Which one did you pick?”

  Margaret smiled. “Well at least that seems to have sparked your interest. I chose the ivory silk with peach tulle. It will complement your dark hair, and the drape of the bodice will accent your figure. No man there will be able to keep his eyes off of you.”

  Joseph patted his wife’s arm. “There now, Mrs. Adams, it will all work out.”

  Margaret smiled. “I need to make an appearance and bid the young ladies hello. If you’ll excuse me, Mr. Adams. Carolina.”

  Carolina waited until her mother had disappeared from the garden. “Oh, Papa, this is so much bother, and I’d really rather it be happening to someone else.” She twisted her hands nervously and wondered how to deal with her fears.

  “My darling,” Joseph said, taking a seat beside his daughter, “this party is an important occasion in your life and in your mother’s life. You’ve been unduly harsh with her, and I would like for you to consider her feelings in this matter. She loves you a great deal, and it is of the utmost concern to her how others receive you.”

  “I know, but . . .”

  “Hear me out.” Joseph was stern but not harsh. “If you can find it in your heart to take an interest in this party, I will offer you a reward of sorts. It will be our little conspiracy to boost your mother’s spirits.”

  “What do you have in mind?” Carolina cocked her head, curious. What was her father up to?

  “Philip Thomas has invited me to come to Baltimore and observe various workings of the railroad.”

  Carolina felt her pulse quicken. What was he suggesting?

  “I propose,” her father continued, “to take you along with me as a birthday gift.”

  “Oh, Papa, truly?” Carolina dared not to even hope.

  “Truly.” Joseph smiled and patted her arm. “You must do your part, however. This party means a great deal to your mother, and I want her to be happy. Please find it in your heart to show interest in your party. Join in with the plans and show some enthusiasm, even if it’s the enthusiasm you feel for the trip that will follow the party. Can you do this?”

  Carolina put her hand atop her father’s. “If it means so much to you, Papa, I will do it even without your promise of a trip. I’ve been selfish and didn’t realize what it meant to Mother. I’ll go right away and apologize.”

  Joseph stood and pulled her along with him. “That’s a good girl.” They walked a space before he added, “The trip still stands. I want to allow you this because I know what it means to you. The actual trip might not take place until late May or even June, but you’ll have that to look forward to.”

  Carolina couldn’t keep the excitement from her voice. “Will we be gone a very long time?”

  “At least a week, maybe two.”

  “Oh, I’m positively speechless, Papa!”

  Joseph laughed and wrapped her arm through his. “Now that is something I thought never to see.”

  “Granny?” Carolina called softly, taking a seat on the stool beside the bed. She gently touched the old woman’s hand.

  “That be yo, Miz Carolina?”

  “It’s me, Granny.” The old woman never bothered to open her eyes, but the hint of a smile played on her lips. “What trouble yo’ in now?”

  “You always seem to know me so well,” Carolina sighed. “But it’s not just trouble, I have some wonderful news to tell you as well.”

  “Better de bad first.”

  Carolina nodded and stroked Granny’s hand with her fingertips. “Well, you know that I’m to have a coming-out party.” She didn’t wait for Granny to reply. “I simply dread the very idea. I don’t want to be bothered with the ordeal, yet everyone, including Father, feels I should enjoy this wonderful honor.”

  Granny’s chuckle was a weak, barely audible croak. “If dats de bad, then what’s de good?”

  Carolina smiled. “The good is that Papa says if I am very good about the coming-out party, he’ll take me on a train trip to Baltimore. Oh, Granny, I want that more than anything. Even enough to pretend how happy I am about the party.”

  “And what of yor young mon?”

  Carolina dropped her hold on Granny’s hand. “What young man?”

  “Yor Mr. James.”

  “He’s hardly mine, Granny. He only tutors me and that’s been divine.” She paused, trying to figure out how to rationalize her fear into words. “I suppose I’m afraid it’s all going to come to an end. Mother and Papa expect James to wed Virginia and then, no doubt, move far away and start their own family. I lose my tutor when that happens.”

  “And yor heart,” Granny added.

  Carolina looked at the old woman in complete amazement. When she said nothing, Granny continued.

  “Yo think I need eyes to know dat yo love James Baldwin?”

  “But, Granny, he’s intended for my sister. Whatever gives you the idea . . .”

  “Ders some things what need no explainin’. I hear how yo talk of him. Yo sound jes like Miz Mary when her papa brings her candy.”

  Carolina thought on this for a moment. “But, Granny, I can’t love him. He belongs to Virginia.”

  “Bah. Yo don’ know what mon yor heart will pick. Ain’t gwanna stop lovin’ him jes ’cause he’s yor sister’s mon, are yo?”

  Carolina shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. That’s the problem. I’m supposed to come of age and choose a husband. I’m supposed to put childish notions of going to college behind me. I’m supposed to be somebody else, but inside, I’m not any of the things they want me to be.”

  Granny nodded. “And yo never will be.”

  Carolina sighed. “I suppose I have to find that truth inside, the one you told me only I would know.”

  “If yo want to be happy, yo will. If not, jes let them live yor life for yo.”

  “I can’t,” Carolina said softly. “I can’t let them live it for me, and I’m afraid to strike out and live it for myself. Oh, Granny, why does growing up have to be so hard?”

  31

  Nighttime Dispute

  Joseph Adams draped his waistcoat over the back of a chair and continued undressing. Margaret sat at her dressing table brushing out her long brown hair, chattering about the plans for Carolina’s party. He loved and admired this woman in a way he felt inadequate to express. Their marriage had come about more through arrangement than overwhelming adoration, but love quickly blossomed, and Joseph could not imagine loving another.

  He watched her for a moment after donning his nightshirt. She scarcely seemed to realize his interest. At thirty-eight she was still in her prime, and her figure did not betray her, despite the nine children she’d borne. His desire for her was as great as ever, and the thought of her in these quiet moments of intimacy only f
anned the flames.

  Putting aside the brush, Margaret turned and saw him looking at her in that old familiar way. “I suppose Carolina’s party is not on your mind just now.” Her voice was low and soft.

  “Actually, I was remembering your coming out,” Joseph said. And as she rose, he stepped toward her and took her into his arms. The cranberry velvet dressing gown she wore seemed to bring out the flush in her cheeks. “You were the most beautiful woman in the state. You still are, you know.”

  “Oh, goodness! And you are the best liar.” She laid her head on his shoulder. “But I daresay our daughters alone have long since taken that honor.”

  He touched his lips to hers, heard her sigh, and knew he could never want for more than this. “You will always be my beauty,” he whispered against her ear.

  She brought her arms up around his neck. “You are kind to say so, Mr. Adams.”

  “I only speak the truth, madam. You have captured my heart for all time.”

  She broke away, smiled alluringly at him, and slipped off the robe. “Perhaps we should put out the lamp.”

  He nodded and quickly went to the task.

  “You know,” Margaret said, slipping beneath the covers, “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Carolina isn’t married within the year. She’s such a lovely thing in her new gown, the fellows will just naturally flock to her side.”

  Darkness permeated the room, and Joseph went to the window to draw back the drapes to let in the moonlight. “Carolina isn’t like Virginia or even Georgia. Already at thirteen, Georgia is avidly seeking suitors, at least when she can stop long enough to come down from the trees. But Carolina is talking of going to college.”

  “College is out of the question,” Margaret said harshly, breaking the mood of their earlier moment. “Carolina will marry properly and set up a household. It was barely tolerable to allow this tutelage, and were it not for the benefit to Virginia’s marriage plans, I would never have agreed.”

  Joseph got into the bed and felt her immediately stiffen when he reached out for her. “There’s no need to discuss this now, is there, my dear?” he cooed. “I thought we had a much more interesting topic to share.”

  “You can’t just sweep this under the rug and hope it will go away, Joseph Adams. Carolina is spoiled and overindulged. She believes the world should change its rules simply because she finds them amiss. That is not something I will sit back and allow.”

  Joseph realized there was no putting this discussion off. “You have four other daughters to so guide; what will it harm to allow one to follow her own path? I had rather fancied the idea of sending her to a university or college. There are several schools of fine reputation that are now allowing women to attend. True, most do not allow for any degree to be attained, but nevertheless the education could be had for a price.”

  “That price would be your daughter’s reputation! Is that what you want?”

  “Shouldn’t Carolina be allowed to make that choice?” Joseph asked hesitantly. “I mean . . . that is to say, is she not the one who will have to endure the consequences of her decision?”

  “Carolina isn’t the only one who would be affected by this decision. People would question our sensibility in allowing such a thing, and you still have three daughters and two sons who haven’t yet chosen mates. How can they hope to marry properly if the reputation of this family is sullied by a thing such as sending a woman to college?”

  Joseph lay back against his pillow and sighed deeply. “Must what others think always influence our choices and decisions? Is not the path of least resistance often also the more boring and uneventful choice?”

  “Proper behavior and solid moral conduct has little to do with boredom. Carolina is an accomplished young woman. Let her take that with her into a marriage of means and high repute.”

  “And put aside all that she dreams of?” Joseph’s voice took on an edge of rising ire.

  Margaret immediately picked up on her husband’s mood. “You have done this,” she said haughtily. “You have created this scandalous situation, and now you have no idea what to do with it. If you allow it to continue, she’ll be fit for nothing but growing old with her books. I insist that after her coming out, you put an end to the tutoring.” She turned to offer him her back, making clear that she was through discussing the matter.

  Joseph’s temper was held in check as he answered, “No, I will not. I cannot take away the one real pleasure in her life. I will try to understand your reluctance in regard to college, and I will say no more on that matter for now. But I have promised Carolina a trip to Baltimore, where she can better immerse herself in her love of the railroad, and I will not take back that promise.”

  Margaret turned on him in a single motion. “You can’t be serious! You can’t subject our daughter, a young genteel woman, to the type of lowlife hooligans who work for the railroad.”

  “What do you know of it, Margaret? You barely even saw the locomotive at the celebration, and you’ve been nowhere near the railroad since. Are you not harshly judging something you know nothing about? I hardly propose to drop our daughter into a sea of cutthroats and no-accounts. She won’t be out of my sight, and the pleasure it will bring her is something I can give, even if I can’t give her the world’s acceptance of her dreams.”

  “I suppose your mind is made up.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “And it matters little that I object to this trip and this continued education?”

  “It matters, but I cannot change my mind on the subject.”

  “Very well,” she said.

  Margaret’s voice quivered and Joseph feared she might cry. Reaching out to her, Joseph was stunned when she slapped his hands away and once again turned her back to him.

  “You want no part of me on this subject,” she stated in a sobbing voice, “therefore you get no part of me.”

  She sobbed inconsolably while Joseph wondered if he’d done the right thing. He had given Carolina his promise, and he couldn’t take it back as though it meant nothing. But, on the other hand, he saw how grieved his dear wife was over the same issue and felt he had to be loyal to his love for her.

  Putting his hand under his head and staring up at the ceiling, Joseph wondered if he’d made all the wrong decisions. Had he created a monster in Carolina by opening her mind to the world? Had it been cruel to give her a brief glimpse into the heart of her desires, only to put down a gate and forbid her to go any further?

  Perhaps Margaret was right. Perhaps he should announce after the party that since she was of age, James Baldwin’s tutelage would no longer be needed. That of course would not sit well with Virginia. There seemed to be no easy answer in the matter. All he had wanted was to give something special to Carolina.

  He imagined his dark-eyed daughter’s response to ending her education. She would be devastated, and the sorrow in her eyes would no doubt bring back memories of a time when he laid his own dreams to rest. Still, he could not allow this thing to stand between him and Margaret. He loved his wife and could hardly bear to hear her cry.

  Reaching out, he pulled her, unwilling, into his arms. Stroking her hair he simply held her while she controlled her tears and lay rigid against him. “I cannot bear for this to be between us,” he murmured. “I love you and my heart is ever yours. Don’t hate me for poor choices. I’ve always struggled to make the right ones.”

  It seemed right to humble himself before Margaret. She relaxed against him but remained silent. Joseph didn’t want to press the issue too hard, and after kissing her lightly on the forehead, he held her close and fell into a fitful sleep.

  Sometime during the night, Joseph awoke with a start and realized the source of the anxiety that was keeping him from a peaceful night’s rest. “Father God,” he prayed, “I should have sought you out on this before, but it seemed a small matter, and I thought myself capable of dealing with it. Human wisdom fails me, and I fear I have caused more problems than would have been the case if I would
have put the matter in your hands to begin with.”

  Margaret sighed against him but remained in a deep sleep.

  “I have hurt her,” he continued, “and it was not my desire to do so. Please forgive me and help her to forgive me as well. Guide me in the matter of Carolina’s education. She has such desires and hopes for the future, and I fear quelling those, as mine were, by denying her the objects of her dreams. Show me the way. Teach me what I am to do.” He faded off to sleep, the prayerful words still on his lips. “Show . . . me . . . the . . . way.”

  32

  Indecision

  James entered the family sitting room to find Virginia seated alone before the blazing hearth. She seemed so perfectly arranged there on the elegant velvet divan that it was as if she’d planned this time for them to be alone—and perhaps she had. James knew she was anxiously awaiting some word of commitment from him, but as of yet he’d found it difficult to give. To take on Virginia Adams as wife meant he would clearly be in for changes in his life. Changes he wasn’t certain he was ready for.

  Turning sparking blue eyes on him, Virginia smiled coyly. “I wondered if you would make your way here.” Her voice was alluring, beckoning James forward.

  “Your mother told me I would find you here,” he said, knowing full well he’d been the object of a conspiracy between mother and daughter to bring him to this room. “And how could I resist the possibility of having you to myself for a few moments?”

  Virginia blushed appropriately at his bold statement and motioned to the settee. “Please join me.”

  James accommodated her, feeling a strange confusion of emotions. She was beautiful and alluring, and he knew himself to be most fortunate that she was interested in him. He studied the delicate features of her face—the small upturned nose, dainty rose-colored lips, flushed high cheeks, and pale blue eyes.

  “You look beautiful tonight,” he said, before even realizing the words were out of his mouth.

  “Thank you.” Virginia lowered her eyes coquettishly. “I wore this gown especially for you.”