LOL #3 Romantic Comedy Anthology

by Anthology

  He tapped out a message to send back: Don’t forget to wash your hands!

  She responded a minute later.

  Elle: That’s so sweet of you! Hand washing is definitely the best way to cut down on the transmission of germs and disease.

  He was so surprised by her response, he nearly dropped his phone on the floor.

  They were talking about the transmission of germs and disease now? This woman was certainly keeping him on his toes.

  Carter didn’t know, because he hadn’t been paying attention to the timestamps, that this was real Elle—the one his sister had actually set him up with that night.

  The real Elle hadn’t felt well all day, but she’d rested with an afternoon nap and thought she could handle leaving the house.

  Elle’s friend Carmen, who was really more of an acquaintance, had been so excited about the setup with her brother. She’d even chosen the restaurant, giggling over the name, and helped Elle choose her outfit—a chevron stripe stretchy dress in shades of amber and pale yellow. The dress didn’t seem right for a winter’s eve date, but Carmen had insisted her brother would love it.

  An hour earlier, dressed in her yellow dress, Elle had walked out of her rented luxury townhouse, turned to the left, and gotten sick right into a potted miniature pine tree.

  Stomach flu. She crept back inside. Ten minutes passed while she did battle with the porcelain. She messaged Carter to apologize for running late. When he didn’t respond, she phoned the restaurant and asked the staff to relay a message. The woman on the phone had been extremely thorough, and had a charming Canadian accent.

  Now Elle lay on her bed, doped up on a concoction from the medicine cabinet, giggling over the new incoming messages from Carter.

  The fever was making her delirious, and she suddenly felt a bit… frisky.

  Feverish Elle sent him another text: You sound really sexy right now. You make me want to touch myself.

  Carter replied: Are you trying to drive me crazy? Because it’s working. I close my eyes and I see you in that yellow dress, you delicious little bumblebee.

  Elle rolled to her side, coughed up something unsexy, blew her nose, then texted back: This little bumblebee is going to sting you.

  Carter: You can try to kiss me, but you have to catch me first.

  Elle, who could never have guessed he was thinking of another girl, messaged back: I’m going to kiss you, but not on your mouth.

  Carter: You really are Trouble with a capital T. That martini is hitting you hard, isn’t it?

  Elle wiped the flu sweat from her brow and reached for the bottle of Pepto Bismol. She messaged back: I’m taking another shot right now. I’m a bad girl and you’re not the boss of me, Mr. Big Boss Man.

  Carter: Should we… continue this conversation in person?

  Elle: If you’re not afraid of catching what I have, come get some right now. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Come find me.

  Elle crawled out of bed, stumbled to the front door, and unlocked it. Yes, things were happening fast, and maybe she shouldn’t have taken a triple dose of flu medication, but she’d seen enough photos of Carter to know she wanted him.

  She stumbled back to the bed and fell, face-first into the sheets. She wondered, does he even have my address? Then she passed out.

  Meanwhile, as the real Elle drooled on luxury sheets, Carter sat at his table in The Snowy Elephant wondering where the ladies’ room was. Some parts of him were excited.

  According to these messages, the lovely amber-haired girl he’d been dining with was now waiting for him, the door unlocked.

  He looked at the message again.

  Elle: If you’re not afraid of catching what I have, come get some right now. I’ll leave the door unlocked.

  What a night this would be!

  7.

  “Okay, you guys, I did the prank,” Danielle said to the lodge staff gathered around her in the kitchen.

  The Australian ski instructor was pouting, jealous. If Danielle had known it took dinner with another man to get his attention, she would have done it sooner.

  “You sure ate a lot,” said the chef. “How were the jalapeño cheese-poppers?”

  “So good!” Her cheeks reddened at the memory of the hot food. The others mistook her red cheeks for blushing, and started teasing her about having a crush on the guy.

  “Shut up about that rich jerk,” the Australian ski instructor said angrily. “I bet he can’t even ski. He looks like the type of narcissistic workaholic who spends a perfectly great skiing day in his rented lodge, huddled over a laptop.”

  Danielle frowned. Over dinner, Carter had admitted that was what he’d done all day. He planned to do some skiing eventually, after clearing out some emails.

  “He’s still a person,” she said, defending him. “Just because he has a bunch of money and doesn’t fight with roommates every night over who gets the good pillow, that doesn’t mean he’s a soulless robot.”

  The Australian ski instructor narrowed his handsome eyes at her. “Dani, you didn’t come here to get sucked back into the robot world. Do you really want to be that guy’s trophy wife? Do you want to bear him three children that’ll get sent off to private school with the other golden-haired trophy children, training to become future soulless robots serving corporate America?”

  The Canadian bartender elbowed him. “There are more than two choices in the world. And if America’s so awful, why did you leave Australia to come here?” She made a DUH face at him. “Is it because all the wildlife in your upside-down country is trying to eat you or kill you?”

  Everybody laughed, and soon the conversation devolved into a pile-on over whose home country was the worst, and therefore had the best people, who could survive such adversity.

  Normally, she’d join in the debate with her friends, but Danielle found herself thinking about Carter.

  It was a shame she would never see him again.

  She excused herself from the group to go find her regular clothes, turned down the hallway leading to the office, and ran smack into Carter’s well-dressed chest.

  He had his jacket on, and a woman’s jacket draped over his arm—the borrowed jacket she’d coat-checked when she’d pretended to arrive.

  He grinned down at her, his emerald eyes more handsome than ever in the dim light of the hallway.

  “You totally tricked me,” he said. “I went into the women’s washroom and all I got were dirty looks.”

  “That’ll teach you not to check the sign on the door,” she replied.

  “But I did find you.” He stretched his arms out, like he was going to hug her, but placed his palms against the wall on either side of her. “Found you and caught you,” he growled.

  Danielle could feel the heat from his body, smell the scent of his aftershave. She was around guys constantly, but Carter was nothing like her male roommates, who smelled like wet goats half the time, thanks to never washing their towels.

  Carter leaned in, like he was going for a kiss, but then touched his forehead against hers and stopped there. They locked gazes.

  All Danielle’s thoughts about roommates and the particular scent of wet goats drifted away. She had no words. Just a gorgeous, wealthy, hunk of a man with his forehead touching hers. His emerald eyes were so beautiful, so deep. Maybe he wasn’t such a jerk after all.

  Time passed, and he didn’t pull his forehead away from hers. Finally, she broke the silence.

  “There’s a winter carnival,” she said. “Walking distance from here.”

  “That sounds fun, but I’m worried if I take my eyes off you, you’ll disappear.”

  She whispered, “I promise I won’t disappear.”

  With that, he pulled back and held out the wool jacket for her to slip on.

  He led the way through the restaurant, and then they were out the door, in the refreshingly brisk night air.

  Eddie, the gap-toothed young man who’d taken over the valet station, gave Danielle a professional nod. She an
d Eddie had shared unwittingly shared a toothbrush for three weeks, but a casual observer would never guess they even knew each other.

  “I don’t need my car yet,” Carter said to Eddie. “We’re going for a walk to this winter carnival I just found out about.”

  Eddie pointed to the path leading through the snowy forest. “There’s the shortcut, sir.”

  Carter extended his elbow to Danielle, every bit the gentleman. “Shall we?” She took his arm.

  It was a crisp, perfect winter night, not too cold or windy. They walked together into the forest, talking about their favorite childhood winter memories, accompanied by the sound of crunching snow under their boots.

  8.

  Carter and Danielle stepped out of the path in the woods, arriving at the winter carnival.

  Compared to the quiet of the snow-blanketed trees, the scene was a riot of blinking colors and movement. The air was layered with the scents of frying miniature donuts, corn dogs, and cotton candy. Barkers called out for all the husbands and boyfriends to try their hand at the games of chance.

  As they moved into the crowd, Danielle tripped over a clump of snow and let go of Carter’s elbow. Carter caught her by grabbing her hand in his, like it was the most natural, normal thing in the world.

  His hand was warm, and she didn’t dare let go.

  They wandered together through the happy crowd, talking about how much they both loved carnivals. They passed by other couples who were sitting on benches, kissing, and when they stopped for a moment on their own bench, Carter leaned in. He seemed about to kiss her, but then shyly turned away.

  One of the booth attendants yelled to get their attention. He urged the couple to come to his game, talking it up while tossing foam balls into miniature basketball hoops and telling them how easy it was.

  “Those games are all rigged,” Danielle said.

  Carter got up and tugged her toward the booth anyway.

  He leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Start picking out your prize now, because I’m going to win it for you.”

  He paid the carnival worker for several balls, and handed the first batch to Danielle. She was still quivering from him whispering in her ear, but managed to toss a few balls in the general direction of the hoops. She missed by a country mile. Carter smiled, but didn’t tease her, except for with his eyes.

  When it was his turn, he squashed the balls between his palms, compressing them slightly. The worker in the booth frowned at this, but didn’t stop him. Danielle realized it must have been the same tactic the worker had surreptitiously used to demonstrate how “easy” the game was, so what could he say?

  Carter sunk three balls in a row, making the game look easy.

  “Pick a prize from the middle row,” the booth guy said with a sigh.

  “Do you see something you like?” Carter asked.

  What she liked was Carter, but she chose a dolphin. The booth worker handed it over with a grumpy look.

  Carter pulled out his wallet again and asked the worker, “You only make money when people lose, right?”

  The guy looked embarrassed, but admitted, “Yes. The prizes come off my commissions.”

  “How much for the whole wall of toys?” He pulled out a handful of bills. “Will this cover it?”

  The guy’s eyebrows raised, and he stammered, “Y-y-yes, sir.”

  “Let’s make everyone a winner tonight. Don’t tell them ahead of time, but if they play, they win.”

  Carter handed over the wad of cash, and the guys shook hands on the deal.

  As they walked away, Carmen said, “That was sweet of you.”

  “It’s all an act to impress you. I’m a rich jerk, remember? I’m sure Carmen told you.”

  “Carmen? Who’s that again?”

  He laughed. “I thought you’d pick the elephant, because of the whole fortune joke.”

  “I like dolphins.”

  “Fair enough.” He squeezed her hand, which was how she realized he was holding her hand again. Their hands were now finding each other on their own.

  They passed by the food kiosks, then joined the line for the carousel.

  “Carmen will be disappointed you didn’t get the elephant,” he said.

  “I’m so lost. What are you talking about?”

  The line moved ahead, and they stepped up onto the carousel and took a shared seat between two giant swans.

  He put his arm around her, along the back of the seat. The carousel began to move. The world swirled around them, all twinkling lights and sugar.

  It was the perfect moment for their first kiss, and both of them sensed it. They turned to each other, tilted their heads, and started to lean in.

  Danielle closed her eyes.

  “Now we’re between two swans,” Carter said.

  She opened her eyes. “I guess so.” The moment for kissing had passed.

  “When Carmen put you up to wearing the yellow dress, didn’t she tell you about the elephant?”

  “Who’s Carmen?”

  “My sister. The one who set us up tonight.”

  The world swirled around them. The carousel wasn’t moving that quickly, but combined with Danielle’s sudden realization that the situation was not what she thought, the ride seemed to be spinning wildly out of control.

  “Carter, I don’t know your sister,” she admitted. “We were playing a prank. I was hungry, and the rest of the staff at the lodge dared me to pretend to be your date who cancelled.” She stared into his eyes, looking for a sign that he was pranking her now. “You knew that, right? And you’re just messing with me, right?”

  His eyes flashed with hurt, then anger. He looked away quickly.

  “This is all a joke,” he said flatly.

  “I’m having a really nice night,” she squeaked.

  He withdrew his arm from behind her back like she was a bag of stinking garbage.

  “Who the hell are you?” he demanded.

  The lights swam around her, and Danielle fought the urge to cry. “I’m Danielle. People call me Dani.”

  “Sure,” he said coldly as he looked around, avoiding eye contact.

  She tried to explain, “Your real blind date, Elle, got sick, and—”

  “This isn’t yours.” He grabbed the stuffed dolphin from her hands. “This is Elle’s dolphin.” His stern tone showed he wasn’t joking.

  Danielle didn’t know whether to apologize or laugh in his face. He was acting like such a jerk. She scowled at the stuffed dolphin and resisted the urge to tell Carter where he could stick it.

  The carousel ride went on and on.

  Danielle kept her arms crossed and her body angled away from Carter, shutting him out. How could she have looked at his stupid face and had her heart soar? He was obviously a rich jerk who didn’t deserve her friendship, let alone her love.

  The ride finally slowed, grinding toward a stop.

  “Finally,” he said with his rich-jerk voice.

  Danielle jumped to her feet and scrambled to escape the still-moving carousel. She wove around disembarking couples and hit the ground, jumped over the low security rope, and ran as fast as she could. The cold wind in her hair felt good, and her anger made her fly.

  She disappeared, invisible in the crowd.

  9.

  At that exact same moment, in another part of the world, behind a green door that you could walk by every day of your life and never see, a group of magic wielders gathered in a witches’ pub named The Dragon’s Tail.

  One of the witches paused in her knitting and yelled at the giant TV screen on the wall, “Don’t run away, Danielle! You don’t really want to be invisible forever, do you?”

  A dozen witches gathered around the pub’s tables, muttering their opinions while the large screen displayed a live image of Danielle, running away from the carousel, and then a shot of Carter, sitting between two swans and frowning at a stuffed dolphin like a chump.

  “You dummy!” the Dice Witch ranted at the screen. “Carter, get
up and chase after her!”

  The Knitting Witch shrugged and went back to her knitting. “Well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

  “I’m not giving up on these two,” the Dice Witch said.

  Someone at another table yelled, “These two suck! They had their chance and they screwed it up. Change the channel!”

  Another witch cackled and yelled, “Yeah, change the channel! These two are too dumb to help! Put on Real Housewives!”

  The Dice Witch got to her feet and waved her arms, trying to get everyone’s attention. “We can’t give up on these two! Carter has a good heart, I just know it. I can’t intervene again, but one of you can. Please?”

  She looked around the pub. The other witches looked down at their hands or checked their cell phones, avoiding eye contact. It had been a busy month, and everyone had been putting in overtime. They were all tired, and nobody wanted more paperwork.

  The Dice Witch hated to beg, and she hated owing people favors, so she slowly took her seat again. The rowdy table with the Drama Witches had gotten the remote control and they were about to change the TV channel.

  The Dice Witch ordered a drink to drown her sorrows, then looked up at the TV screen just in time to see the dim light of hope blink out of Carter’s eyes. He tossed the stuffed dolphin in a trash can, pushed his hands into his pockets, and started walking through the carnival crowd.

  10.

  Danielle ran all the way back to the lodge. Her cheeks were damp, but she pretended the moisture was from falling snow.

  She changed into her comfortable jeans and sweatshirt, tossed the yellow dress back into the Lost and Found, then scrubbed the glamorous makeup off her face in the women’s washroom.

  The dinner rush was over, so she found most of the staff in the kitchen, eager to hear about the second half of the prank-date. Danielle relayed what had happened. In her version, the whole thing was a big joke and she didn’t feel anything at all for Carter, who was never once referred to by name, but only as The Rich Jerk.

  The group agreed that the first half of the prank had gone really well, but the second half almost made them wonder if they should be more serious about their jobs and not mess around with people so much.