Volume 5 - The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  “Never mind, let’s just take a look around.”

  The loudspeaker played the easy-listening type of festival music like it was chanting. Lured by the music, I led Nagato to the mask stand as I felt the slightly overbearing “glow” of Koizumi.

  “Although it’s a great haul I don’t need this many, just taking one is ok. Mikuru-chan didn’t get any so this is hers.”

  A plastic bag dangling by a string was held in Asahina-san’s hand. Within the bag was an orange standard-fare goldfish, swimming about in a carefree fashion. Every move of Asahina-san, like grabbing on the plastic rope, was absolutely adorable. When I saw her other hand clutching a caramel apple stick, I decided to get one for my little’ol sister. Making her giddy once in a while can’t hurt.

  Haruhi, on the other hand, kept playing around with a water ball with her left hand, and talked to us while her right was holding on a plate full of Takoyaki.

  “One each only.”

  Showing this kind of generosity to us… in this fashion. Just as I was enjoying the Takoyaki dipped in sauce -

  “Eh? Yuki, how’d you get the mask?”

  “It was purchased.”

  Nagato muttered as she stared at the toothpick with the Takoyaki on it. On a side of her head was the mask of silver Ultraman from the Kingdom of Light. What generation is beyond me, but I figure the wavelength must overlap somewhat for this alien, since this of all masks is what made her bring out her frog-mouth style coffer from her sleeve.

  With everything Nagato’s done for me, I felt that I should at least buy such a trinket for her, but Nagato refused and paid out of her own pocket. Hmm… What is her source of income?

  The four corners of the platform were surrounded by women and children dancing to the tune of Tanko-bushi. It looked as if they were members of the women and children society, as the typical laymen coming here for the show won’t really do it and, of course, we wouldn’t as well.

  Asahina-san’s eyes were transfixed upon the group of dancers. She looked as if she were witnessing aborigines welcoming her into an unknown part of the new world.

  “Wa…aah”

  She exclaimed softly. Is the tradition of o-bon dance lost in the future?

  Under the leadership of Haruhi, our motley crew toured the festival together. She made us her peons, saying, “Let’s eat that,” then, “Let’s try this.” Haruhi was enjoying herself, and so it seemed was Asahina-san, which made me happy. I couldn’t tell if Nagato was having a good time, and I don’t give a damn about Koizumi’s experiences.

  Koizumi, from time to time, would fall into this peculiar silence and display his smile without warning… No doubt that his emotions were anything but stable as of late. Perhaps this is the fate that all members of the SOS Brigade must face.

  When it comes to summer vacation, it’s gotta be a grand holiday.

  I would’ve gotten my ticket’s worth just seeing the yukata-clad trio.

  That’s why, the moment Haruhi suggested:

  “Let’s go shoot up some fireworks, fireworks! It’s rare for us to come out in yukata like this so we might as well get all of this done today!”

  This motion received unanimous approval from the SOS Brigade. We purchased those crude fireworks that you give to kids, and headed to the riverbank under a night sky so murky that you could only make out the moon and Mars. We followed Haruhi, who grabbed herself a cheap lighter and a Polaroid camera en-route. Haruhi seemed to be in higher spirits than usual. For some reason, the phrase “you are what you wear” flashed through my mind.

  One would pay no heed to Haruhi’s terrible broad stepping postures upon seeing her swiveling hair tied up behind her head. Evidently, being headstrong is Haruhi’s strength.

  An hour later, I had taken countless photos. There was Asahina-san holding the angel stick with her marble eyes wide open, Haruhi crouching about with both her hands holding the dragon cannon, and Nagato transfixed upon the swerving snake. The SOS Brigade’s summer activity came to an end with this finale.

  Koizumi picked up some shrapnel that had fallen into the stream and put it in a convenience store plastic bag. Haruhi gave him a look and put a finger to her lips—

  “Then tomorrow will be bug-catching.”

  She was determined to exhaust every last item on that itinerary of events.

  “Haruhi, I’m not against it, but did you finish your summer assignments?”

  I really had no right to say this, since I hadn’t even picked up my pen yet. Haruhi suddenly looked dumbfounded.

  “What the hell are you talking about? I only need three days tops to get those done, piece of cake. I had them done by July, actually. Get rid of the tedious stuff so you can really enjoy yourself, that’s the way to really enjoy summer!”

  When Haruhi gets serious, that little mound of work is nothing. Why did God give her such a brilliant brain? This shows that God isn’t fair.

  Haruhi handed her order out to us with a relentless glare:

  “Hear this? Tomorrow, everyone’s gotta bring along a bug catching net and a cage. Oh yeah, let’s see who’s gonna catch the most. Whoever wins gets to be the leader for a day.”

  I didn’t care for that title. Wait. Is it ok as long as it’s bugs?

  “Hmm… cicadas only! That’s right. This is the SOS Brigade Cicada Hunt Competition. As for rules… No type restriction, one is one and wins by the numbers.”

  Haruhi, who only needed her own approval, started to fool around with the Brigade fan as if it were a net. Net and cages… I should still have a set in the storage room somewhere in my home.

  With that, when I finally returned home, I realized that I’d forgotten to get myself an apple stick.

  For some reason, although I’d nailed a Teru teru bozu just to make sure it would be pouring, it had to be totally clear in the down the day after. No doubt the cicadas would be jittery over the highest temperature in the summer.

  “Cicadas are edible right? It might taste real good if we fry them into tempura. Ahh, this suddenly occurs to me, tempura’s great because of the flour coating maybe? If it is, then cicada tempura must be tasty.”

  You try that yourself!

  The scene of five high school students of uneven height heading off together with a net and a cage each to go after bugs can only be described as somewhat bizarre.

  We gathered ourselves before noon. In order to search for greens, we found ourselves at North High, since the school is on top of a hill that has trees but not much else. This makes it a good place for bugs, as they operate in forests or woods. From the looks of it, even if I live in a fairly busy city, it’s not so dismal that cicadas won’t cry.

  Trunk after trunk was packed with the screeching bugs as if there were an infestation of cicadas. It was grab-as-you-go there. Asahina-san found a harvest with just a couple of furious swipes with her net. This shows that cicadas there did not realize that humans are the animal to watch for most of all. Fine, then, today is shock therapy time.

  I bent to look at the still cicadas within the cage after filling it in no time. I have no idea how many years they’d stayed underground, but no doubt they did not toil to maturity just to be fried by Haruhi. I felt a sense of melancholy from the weakening cries of the summer bugs, and the sin of deceit crept in on me. I apologize for destroying your homes with paved cement roads. I hope you can somewhat forgive mankind’s insolence.

  I knew that it was impossible for Haruhi to hear my mental soliloquy, but that woman said the following:

  “The spirit of catch-and-release is still much needed. Let’s spare ‘em. Maybe in the future they’ll return the favor.”

  I felt weak the moment I imagine man-sized cicadas knocking at our doors. If there were insects that would return the favor after witnessing us capturing their brethren and setting them free later on, they would be as idiotic as insects. If they came for revenge, I think they would actually be smarter.

  Haruhi opened the cage and shook it left and right.

&n
bsp; “Go! Go back to the mountains!”

  Jijiji~ the cicadas crowded and pushed inside the cage as they scrambled to fly out. Asahina let out a cute cry as she knelt down. The swarm twirled around her for quite some time and swept past the still head of Nagato, following a spiral pattern or in a line as they disappeared into a sky dyed red from the setting sun.

  I opened the cage like Haruhi did. I felt as if I were Pandora, who opened that box delivered by Hermes accidentally. The thought of keeping at least one cicada hit me only after all the cicadas had vanished into thin air.

  The event for the following day was part-time work.

  Haruhi somehow managed to find work, and made sure that we all had a share. That one-day employment was—

  “W… Welcome!”

  Asahina-san seemed to squeeze out the greeting.

  “C’mon, everybody line up! Ahhahh… Don’t push!”

  The job that Haruhi stuffed down our throats was to attract customers for an annual sale at a local supermarket.

  We met without a clue as to what we were in for and suited up in the uniforms that Haruhi handed to us. After that, we had been carrying out promotion activities since ten in the morning.

  By the way, all of us were stuffed into costumes.

  Why is this happening… Why must I be embarrassed like this? Asahina-san’s duty is to cheer people up with hundreds of getups… Koizumi, Nagato, what is with you two? Would it kill you to raise even the slightest of objections? Why would you simply bear that woman’s whims?

  “Plese line upu~ Thank juu for your cooperation!”

  Hearing Asahina-san’s thick tongued voice beneath a green uniform that covered her body only made me sweat like a pig.

  We were all dressed up as frogs. To be more precise, frogs that give out balloons to children. This supermarket does this kind of thing every year for its anniversary — handing out free balloons to the infants that accompany the customers.

  Kids are kids. They squirm in excitement after receiving this kind of petty gift which is designed to fool them. Hey, dumb kid over there, take a balloon. It’s a red balloon, just take it.

  Asahina-san the tree frog proved the most popular. As an aside, Koizumi was a golden frog and I was a toad (What else would I be?). Nagato the amazon hornfrog operated the pump that filled up the balloons, which the three of us handed out. Haruhi, however, sat in the shade in casual attire. If we were all to be paid on the same wage, I would be lashing out right about now.

  It appeared that the owner of the store was an acquaintance of Haruhi. The fellow greeted her with a smile whenever she called out “uncle~” oh-so-sweetly.

  The balloons were all handed out within two hours. Save Haruhi, all of us shed our exoskeletons to vent the heat inside the rest area that looked like a storage room. At that moment, I understood the feelings of snakes that shed their skin. It is a rarity for me to experience that sigh of relief.

  Nagato took off the frog suit quickly, while Asahina-san and Koizumi were totally dampened and literally shook off their suits. They remained silent for a long while.

  “Fuu~”

  I didn’t even have the energy to enjoy Asahina-san wearing a thin sport vest and a short skirt as she sat down.

  “Good job!—”

  I had a sudden urge to bury Haruhi from head to toe in a scorching desert when she appeared licking an ice cream.

  Evidently, our wages had been pledged to the treefrog suit. I realized that Haruhi had the suit in her mind all along when she calmly announced this news. I should have seen it as she squeezed the empty suit under her armpit with an expression like that of a knight awarded with thousands of gold bullion. The wages never existed.

  “What’s so bad about this? I’ve really wanted it. Now this dream has come true. Uncle says that he’ll hand this to me on the account of Mikuru-chan. Mikuru-chan, I will hand you a self-made badge. You’ll have to wait though since I haven’t made it yet.”

  Thus, one more piece of garbage could be added to Asahina-san’s possessions. I imagined that junk must be a cuff that has “badge” written on it.

  Thus, one more piece of garbage could be added to Asahina-san’s possessions. I imagined that junk must be a cuff that has “badge” written on it.

  However—

  “This frog is going to be a keepsake in the Brigade classroom. Mikuru-chan, you can wear this whenever you like. I grant you this privilege!”

  I couldn’t show my anger because I was just so suffused with rage from Haruhi’s expressions at that moment.

  I was bushed. Nonstop activities, first with swimming, then bug catching, and finally the sauna bath in costumes, would drive the healthiest of high school males to the ground.

  This is why I asked for nothing more than sound sleep for the night. I could still feel the peace from Arcadia when the mobile phone rang.

  There is nothing more infuriating than a pointless midnight call that disturbs your sleep. Whoever makes calls during the heat of the night must lack common sense, and out of everyone I know, only Haruhi lacks common sense. I really wanted to scream at that woman for waking me from my dazed sleep. To my surprise, when I pressed the talk button, the voice that came through belonged to—

  “…Uuu(cry)… Uuu(soft cry)…”

  The cry of a woman gave me goosebumps. My senses returned to me suddenly. Shoot, wrong number.

  Just as I was about to toss my phone—

  “Kyon-kun…”

  Although the throat was choked up, I could still identify the voice of Asahina-san.

  Goosebumps broke out once more, but it had a different meaning this time.

  “Hello, is that Asahina-san?”

  Was she bidding me farewell with this call? Kaguya-hime needed to return to the Lunar palace? I was well aware that “here” was but a temporary dwelling for Asahina-san and that she must return to the future someday. Would the time be now? I would not agree with simply uttering a farewell before leaving.

  Although the woman on the other end of the line was—

  “It’s me… Uwaaa, it’s horrible… Uuu… Ugu… If this keeps up… I… Uwaaa…”

  I couldn’t understand a word that was coming from her. She was slurring like an elementary schoolchild, and she mixed her sniffings in between, so I couldn’t decipher anything. Just as I was at a loss for words—

  “Hello, this is Koizumi.”

  The crisp voice replaced the cries of Asahina-san.

  What? Those two are together at this time of the day? Why am I not there? Koizumi, you have exactly five seconds to keep your head glued to your neck in which you can give me a satisfying and comprehensible answer to all of this.

  “Something has occurred. This is rather troublesome, so Asahina-san contacted me in advance out of urgency.”

  Contacting you instead of me? This rather left a bitter taste in my mouth.

  “This is due to your inability to resolve the issue even if you are approached first… No, I apologize. In reality, I can do nothing since the situation is quite perilous.”

  I scratched my head.

  “Did Haruhi trigger Armageddon?”

  “Strictly speaking, no; rather, it could be said as a complete negation of that. We have been thrust into a situation in which Armageddon will never come.”

  Huh? Am I dreaming, or not? Just what are you trying to say?

  Koizumi continued, despite my confusion.

  “I have just contacted Nagato-san. As I have predicted, she seems to be well aware of the situation. You will understand the details if you ask Nagato-san. That sums up the situation. Could you come and meet us right now? Of course, I will not notify Suzumiya-san.”

  Of course I could. Whoever would leave a weeping Asahina-san behind should see worse than being burnt at the stake sevenfold.

  Koizumi informed me of the location, which was right in front of the station. It seemed that the area was the SOS-reserved meeting spot.

  As such, by the time I’d changed, stumbled o
ut to the courtyard, jumped onto my bicycle, and then dashed to the meeting spot, three shadows were already awaiting my arrival. The streets were not totally deserted, as I still spotted a few pedestrians who seemed to be students. Thanks to them, we could mix in with this crowd and head to some rave party. It’s just that I was getting tired.

  Asahina-san was in a squatting position when I got to the station. Flanking her were Koizumi, donned in simple attire, and Nagato, in sailor uniform. Asahina-san’s top and bottom simply did not match; perhaps she wore whatever she grabbed. No doubt she either was too panicked to have noticed, or the situation was so grievous that her wardrobe was the last thing on her mind.

  The taller of the wingmen noticed my arrival and raised a hand to greet me.

  “Just what has happened?”

  The soft streetlights illuminated the mild façade of Koizumi.

  “I apologize for asking you to appear at this hour. However, the situation has left Asahina-san in her current state.”

  Asahina-san, who had curled into a ball, cried like a melting snowman. The damp face with a flattened mouth lifted up to look at me, and those beautiful wet cheeks were clearly visible. That seductive look would leave me doing anything for her.

  “Uuu… Kyon-kun, I…”

  Asahina-san sniffled and muttered to herself:

  “I cannot return to the future anymore…”

  “To lay it all on the table, what has transpired is just this: We have found ourselves in an endless recursion of time.”

  Koizumi seemed to have too small a table with too few items. Does he really understand what he says?

  “I understand. There is no clearer explanation for this matter. I have discussed the topic with Asahina-san…”

  Couldn’t you wait until I arrived before engaging in discussion?

  “We found that the flow of time in the world as of late is erratic. This is to the credit of Asahina-san; if not for her, I could not be certain of this fact.”

  Certain of what?