Volume 5 - The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Asahina had cosplayed as a maid for so long that she was getting good at it. She placed another cup by Koizumi’s side, then gracefully carried the tray over and placed a cup by Nagato’s side.

  “……”

  As always, Nagato had nothing to say, but for Asahina, this silence was just as good as sincere gratitude. As of now, I’ve yet to see the SOS Brigade’s alien and time traveler having a cheerful conversation… No, wait, I’ve never seen Nagato ever having a cheerful conversation with anyone. Forget it, maybe this is a good thing. If Nagato were to suddenly become talkative, I think I’d be scared silly. Besides, if she became like Haruhi, in whose case it’s better for her to shut up, then it’d really be a pity.

  It’s best for silent people to remain silent.

  Playing board games and drinking tea idyllically like this was enough to make one forget that evil actually exists in this world. Yet this brief moment of peace didn’t last for long. In fear of being forgotten, trouble always makes a periodic visit.

  A knock echoed through the door. I lifted my head and watched that bruised, inexpensive door and prepared myself mentally. Why was I preparing myself mentally you say? Because right now the only ones in the club room are the four of us minus Haruhi, and if Haruhi ever knocks, then I’d have to walk to the farthest corner of the room and laugh heartily. In other words, the one knocking on the door is neither Haruhi nor anyone else from the SOS Brigade, but someone else entirely. Whoever it was, I had no idea, but they must have a reason for visiting. This has always been true, as seen with Kimidori-san’s visit that day.

  “Coming.”

  Asahina rushed with little steps in her slippers to answer the door. How professional, it’s as though even she believes herself to be a maid. That’s good… now what the hell was I talking about?

  “Huh?”

  Asahina opened the door and blinked her eyes as if seeing a surprise visitor.

  “Please enter…… um… do you want to enter?”

  Asahina walked two steps backwards, and for some reason shielded her breasts with her arms.

  “No thanks, I only need to say something standing here.”

  The visitor’s response sounded a bit anxious. He stuck his head through the open door and looked around the room.

  “Oh, your commander isn’t here……”

  Concealing his anxiety within his speech is none other than the leader of the room next to ours, the president of the Computer Study Group.

  Since no one else said anything, I ended up having to handle the negotiations. Asahina stood there looking awestruck, Koizumi only sat there and smiled at the president, while Nagato simply continued reading her book.

  “How may we help you?”

  Since he was a senpai, it was only natural to be polite to him. I walked out and stood in front of Asahina. Hmm? Behind the Computer Group president, who hadn’t even stepped over the door line, stood a bunch of male students that seemed to be his lifeless minions. What’s this? It’s still a bit too early to exact revenge.

  When the president noticed it was me coming out, he breathed a sigh of relief and smiled lightly, then straightened his back and said,

  “Here, take this.”

  I didn’t know what he was up to, suddenly handing me a single CD case. Regardless of whether I would accept it or not, there was no reason the Computer Study Group would give things to us for free, so naturally I looked at them suspiciously.

  “No, no, there’s nothing suspicious about it.” The president said. “It’s game software, an original game created by our study group. We distributed it during the school festival, don’t you remember?”

  Sorry, I don’t think I had that much free time then. The only things I could remember from the school festival were the band music concerts and Asahina’s noodle stall waitress costume.

  “I see……”

  The Computer Group president didn’t look dejected, but his brows clearly drooped as he mumbled, “It was because we were in a crap location……”

  If you came here to have a chat, then you can leave now before Haruhi returns and turns this into a big ruckus.

  “Of course I came here for a reason, but it’s best to keep things simple. Then, here I go!”

  The president kept sweating, and kept on holding back when he was about to say something; the lifeless minions behind also nodded their head with a determined expression. Hurry up and say what you want to say.

  “Let’s have a showdown with this game!”

  The president said in a different tone and once again handed the CD box to me.

  Why do we want to have a match with the Computer Study Group with this game? If you’re short on players, then my best advice is to try your luck with other clubs.

  “This isn’t a game!”

  Looks like the president wants to struggle on.

  “This is a showdown! With stakes involved!”

  Then go find Koizumi, I’m sure he’ll be glad to play with you till sunset.

  “No! We want to have a showdown with you!”

  I beg you, please stop using the word “showdown.” It’s not like you don’t know how things get into Haruhi’s ears very quickly, if that hyper-confident, self-centered girl ever hears you……

  “WHOOOAAA!!!”

  “URRRGGGHHH!!!”

  After a series of weird lines, the president disappeared from my vision as he was kicked off to the side.

  “Whoa!?” “President!” “Are you all right?”

  A few seconds later, the lifeless minions began to yell in panic and ran to the side of the president, who was now lying in the corridor, while I moved my gaze slowly.

  “Who the hell are you guys!?”

  Looking at the members of the Computer Study Group with her glittering pupils and opening her beautiful lips was none other than Suzumiya Haruhi.

  After what was basically a sneak attack and making a flying kick on the president, she landed perfectly on the ground and looked extremely pleased with herself.

  After what was basically a sneak attack and a flying kick on the president, she landed perfectly on the ground, looking extremely pleased with herself.

  Haruhi proudly flicked her hair by her ears and said,

  “So, the Evil Organization has come. You must be the secret group that sees the SOS Brigade as their sworn enemy. I won’t let you get away with it! Because we bear the responsibility of bringing light to the darkness and ridding the world of all evil! Small fry will always be small fry, so hurry up and disappear after making your scene!”

  The president, who seemed to have bumped his head when he fell, moaned in pain, while his members sat by him looking worried. So I think I was the only one who heard Haruhi’s edict.

  “Haruhi, it’s not that I’m criticizing you……”

  Ever since I entered high school, I’ve forgotten how many times I had tried to hold Haruhi back.

  “You should at least hear what he has to say before beating him up. Well, thanks to you, I don’t even know why he came here. All I know is that he wants to have a showdown with us on some computer game……”

  “Kyon! When someone declares a showdown, then it’s decided. This is a declaration of war. Anything else the loser says are excuses! Who cares about what they say even before we beat them!”

  Like a hunter going to check on her prey, Haruhi walked towards the president and said in a disrespectful manner,

  “Oh, it’s you from next door. What’s he doing here anyway?”

  That’s why I said you needed to give him a chance to explain himself. You were the one who sent him flying before he could say anything.

  “That’s because,” Haruhi stuck out her lips, “I thought it was the Student Council coming to drive us from our club room. It’s probably about time they came as well. Really, why do people come to us looking for trouble all the time?”

  “Even if it were the Student Council, there’s no need to send people flying.”

  As I was tryi
ng hard to talk Haruhi out of it……

  “Come to think of it, we still haven’t held that other activity……”

  Koizumi suddenly appeared outside in the corridor and reminded Haruhi about something in deep thought. Must you really be such a busybody?

  “Ugh…… SOS Brigade…… you really are shameful……”

  After moaning for a long time, the president finally managed to stand up, aided by his members carrying him,

  “A, anyway, let’s have a showdown. I know we don’t get along well, so I’ve prepared a written statement. Once you read it, you’ll know what the showdown is about.”

  One of the members took out a stack of photocopied paper and CD boxes, and walked towards us in fear, as though trying to feed the wild lions with raw meat.

  “Thanks.”

  Koizumi smiled and received the papers and CDs.

  “We’ve received the game software, but is there an instruction manual?”

  A second member carried another stack of papers and handed it to Koizumi, then said quietly,

  “President, we’ve completed our task. Let us return to our club room.”

  “Yeah, let’s go back.”

  He nodded weakly.

  “Then, please excuse us……”

  After explaining just part of the events, the president prepared to make his escape, but Haruhi grabbed him by his neck and prevented his getaway.

  “Explain everything properly before you leave! Don’t think you can shut me up with a stupid written statement! Now say it in a language that even this idiot Kyon here can understand!”

  Who are you calling an idiot!?

  As a result, the poor Computer Group president got dragged back into the Literature Club room. Before the other Computer Group members could rescue their president, the door was slammed shut.

  Unlike Haruhi who is active every month of the year, once the school festival finished, everyone else in school reverted back to their normal school lives. However, the Computer Study Group seemed to be unsatisfied with this as well and wanted to make it big. Yet right now their president was sitting here alone on the steel chair looking terrified, looking like a white mage who got separated from his party in a dungeon, and is surrounded by a group of blood-thirsty vampires with his MP all used up. He didn’t even have the mood to enjoy the tea Asahina brewed as Haruhi began her interrogation on him.

  Allow me to briefly list out the points from the interrogation.

  The Computer Study Group president made the following demands:

  1. Showdown with the Computer Group using the computer game they created.

  2. If we win, then the computer sitting on the SOS Brigade’s desk will have to be returned to its original spot.

  3. After all, such an advanced multi-purpose computer is wasted on the SOS Brigade. The computer

  should remain in the Computer Group’s room in order to maximize its potential. So we demand that

  it be returned at once.

  4. When the computer was taken away from us, it has caused a great deal of pain for the president and his members, it’s best to leave this aside. We want to forget it so badly, let’s pretend it never happened.

  5. Due to the reasons above, you must accept our challenge…… Let us battle!

  The stack of written statements that Koizumi handed to me contained some incomprehensible contents which were more or less summarized above. Basically it was a complaint and challenge letter combined into one, but I only managed to read the tidy printed lines in the first page before Haruhi decided to just hear it first hand from the president. What he was trying to say was really simple.

  “If you have no use for the computer, then give it back to us.”

  The president said. Haruhi replied,

  “Of course we’re using it. All the time. We only just used it to edit the movie we made a while ago.”

  To be precise, I was the only one that ever used it.

  “We even made a website.”

  I also made that myself. Besides surfing the internet to kill time and drawing some symbolic emblem that was no different from a scribble, Haruhi hardly ever used the computer.

  “All your website ever has after six months is a front page! And you haven’t updated it in months!”

  The president retorted furiously. So he’s the one who regularly visits that website and increases the visitor number count. I see, this would explain why he got trapped inside a giant cave cricket once. He really is concerned at how much we use the computer.

  “But when I asked you guys for a computer, you said OK. Kyon, you remember as well right?”

  Did I remember? Yes, I can remember clearly Asahina kneeling on the floor sobbing, poor girl. But I didn’t pay much attention at all to what the president said then. Even if he did agree, he was mentally devastated then, so that transaction probably doesn’t count.

  “Objection! I’m now making a serious protestation!”

  Looks like the president is serious this time. He crossed his arms and shut his mouth, with the determined look of a warrior prepared to die on the battlefield. I thought he has given up after half a year already, but his inner flame was still burning brightly.

  “Hmm……” Haruhi smiled and nodded. “All right, since you so want to have a showdown with us, then I’ll accept your challenge. We’re betting on the computer right? What are you placing your stakes on?”

  “The computer over there, of course, what else would it be? If we lose, then that computer stays with you.”

  “That computer already belongs to us. There’s not much fun in reclaiming what’s already ours, find something else to bet on!”

  For some reason I was moved by Haruhi’s words, she can always find a way to turn any illegally obtained object into her legal possession. Does she intend to become a professional thief?

  However, the president didn’t get angry. Instead, he gave a stiff smile,

  “All right. If you win, then we’ll give you a new…… right, we’ll give you four computers. They’re all notebooks, if you’re fine with them……”

  How brave of you to raise the stakes. Haruhi never expected he would say that,

  “Really? Are you sure?”

  She jumped off from the commander’s desk and stared at the president’s face.

  “Are you serious about this? If you don’t keep your word, I won’t forgive you!”

  “You have my word, I’ll even sign a declaration of intent.”

  Seeing the defiant look on the president, I suddenly understood a bit where his confidence came from.

  For some time Nagato had been staring at the CD in her hand. What kind of game it contained, I did not know, but one thing was for sure, the Computer Group had poured all their knowledge into making this game. Leaving aside the question of whether the Computer Group are all expert gamers, they probably think they can crush the amateur SOS Brigade. I think so as well. In a real competition, no matter what game it was, it’s unlikely we would win. We only won that baseball game thanks to Nagato’s magic bat, and not because of our abilities.

  However, there’s obviously someone in our brigade that just doesn’t get it.

  “You don’t have any girls in your club, do you?”

  Haruhi asked such a meaningless question all of a sudden.

  “We don’t, so what?” The president answered.

  “Don’t you want any female members?”

  “……N…no.”

  The president tried his best to keep composed, while Haruhi smiled evilly like an old lecher,

  “If you win, then I’ll reward you with this girl.”

  She pointed at Nagato’s face.

  “I bet you want a girl in your club, don’t you? Yuki’s very useful, she has a great memory, and behaves herself more than any one of us here.”

  You moron! How can you make such a proposal? They offered four computers, while we only offered a person, isn’t that too little? Besides, there’s no way the four computers can
match Nagato, though I don’t think you know that yet.

  “……”

  Nagato sure looked calm even though she was being used as a betting stake. Without moving, she turned her gaze towards me, past Haruhi and landed on the president’s face.

  “Huh…… b…but……”

  “What now? You telling me you want to pick Mikuru-chan instead? Or maybe you think your four computers aren’t enough to buy Nagato-san? Very well, let’s have a secondary prize. If we win, you’ll have to change your club name to ‘SOS Brigade North High Second Branch’.”

  “Eh…… wha…… I……”

  Asahina stuttered at hearing Haruhi’s words, and instantly froze on the spot.

  “You can go be their trophy if we lose.”

  I indignantly turned to Haruhi,

  “Stop treating Nagato and Asahina-san as though they’re objects! Why can’t you bet on yourself? There’s a limit to obnoxiousness!”

  “What are you talking about? The commander is the SOS Brigade’s holiest and most symbolic existence and cannot be desecrated! The commander represents the very nature of the SOS Brigade! Besides those that I’ve chosen, I don’t intend to step down from this position!”

  Are you saying you’re going to continue your rule over this realm even after you graduate?

  “Besides, no one can make an equivalent trade for me! Not even if they search the corners of the earth!”

  Haruhi unreasonably dodged my attacks, pointing first at the silent Nagato and the awestruck Asahina as she walked towards the president.

  “Now choose! Which one do you want?”

  As she said that, she glanced towards me and added,

  “If in the end you still want to choose me…… then all right, you can pick me as well!”

  As expected from the president, who wasn’t fooled at all by Haruhi’s foolish taunts. I followed his line of vision and noticed him glancing at Nagato many times. This I could understand.

  Carrying the crucifiable crime of groping Asahina, the ex-convict naturally didn’t feel qualified to pick the victim of his crime. On the other hand, Taniguchi told me that Nagato actually has a lot of secret admirers, maybe this sort of silent bookish girl is the president’s type? The fact that he didn’t dare raise his head in front of Asahina was another indication. And he was still being careful to maintain his image, not wanting to openly declare “I want a girl in my club.” So it’s natural that he picked Nagato.