Volume 5 - The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Not to mention the eight thousand seven hundred and sixty-nine mes who felt this “reset.”

  “Want to play poker?”

  Koizumi started to hand out the cards like an amateur magician. It wouldn’t hurt to entertain him.

  “Fine, what will it be? Forget it if it’s a money game.”

  “Then no money.”

  I only win big when winning doesn’t matter. Royal flush! That’s a first.

  I swore in the back of my mind that if this day were to be repeated, I would be betting bucks for sure.

  Prologue — Autumn

  It was finally the second half of November, and fatigue had taken over my whole body after the end of that school festival.

  Director Haruhi’s cinematographic skills were chaotic, to say the least, yet the movie did quite well at the box office. I had thought she would indulge herself in her own success and cool down, but from start to finish, her pace never slackened.

  Yet the school never stopped providing Haruhi with insane activities that might cause her to think or her subordinates to have to do things. Take the Student Council President election. I was really worried about what to do if Haruhi were to run for that position. I later discovered that Haruhi had the strange belief that the Student Council is the sworn enemy of all little club activities, and was not interested in infiltrating and destroying them from within, nor in taking over as the real master in the shadows.

  Sounds more like she wants to fight this unseen force, if it even exists, head on.

  It took great effort for them to pretend that such a suspicious club as the SOS Brigade never existed, or even just simply to ignore it. I mean, wasn’t it a good thing that we each kept to our own affairs? Yet Haruhi is always full of spirit. It’s just that I didn’t know how she intended to do battle with this unknown enemy.

  However, that sort of expectation was just a mere premonition, because the ones coming to us with flags and banners weren’t assassins sent by the Student Council, but our neighbors bearing the flames of vengeance.

  The Day of Sagittarius

  The vast darkness of space stretched before my eyes.

  It was like wearing goggles and getting lost within the darkness of the Horse-head Nebula: not even a single speck of starlight could be seen. To put it bluntly, it was like a crudely made background. At that moment, I started thinking it would have been a good idea to include some cinematics, but everything in this galaxy, including this space background, had a reason behind it, like logistics, technical constraints, or time.

  “I can’t see anything at all.”

  I began to grumble, since the screen had been showing nothing but darkness; I started wondering if the monitor had gone dead.

  As I was wondering where in the galaxy I was wandering, a bright spot suddenly appeared on the dark screen and began to move forward. I decided to report to my superior.

  “Hey, Haruhi, do you mind slowing down a bit? Your flagship’s too fast.”

  Haruhi gave the following response to my report:

  “Call me Supreme Commander, First Officer. The SOS Brigade possesses the highest military ranks; after all, we’re the greatest ever.”

  As I pondered which of us were the Supreme Commander and First Officer……

  “Commander Suzumiya, Intelligence Officer Nagato reports that the enemy fleet is moving suspiciously. How should we respond?”

  Koizumi, the ass-kisser, reported the facts faithfully. Haruhi’s response was,

  “We’ll just have to give them a surprise attack!”

  A Haruhi-ist command indeed, but no one obeyed her. Or rather, no one dared to obey her, since if we faced the enemy head on, we would end up like the Takeda cavalry as they made their ill-fated triple assault on Tanegashima.

  Asahina raised her hands and asked uncomfortably,

  “Um…… what should I be doing……?”

  “Mikuru-chan, you’ll just get in the way, so just put your supply fleet over there, since I never expected anything from you. Kyon, you, Yuki and Koizumi-kun are in charge of taking on the enemy’s front guard, while I give them a critical hit. A knockout critical hit, that is!”

  Someone, please come and stop this girl!

  I returned my gaze to the screen to reconfirm where my fleet was within the SOS Brigade Fleet. The 15,000 vessels of the were now chasing the in a straight line, the was escorting us at the side, while the ever reliable was now far ahead in search of enemy vessels. As for the which was in charge of supplies… thanks to Asahina’s clumsy piloting skills, her fleet had been lost in space from the beginning.

  “Ah~~!! W…where should I go?”

  Asahina made a sound close to sobbing; she was helpless as usual.

  As long as you’re behind us, any direction will do. Just wander wherever you please. Although it’s just a fleet on the screen, I do not wish for a fleet bearing your name to appear on the casualty list.

  Suddenly, changes began to appear on the screen. The surveillance vessels sent out by the had now transmitted data to my fleet, which was linked to them. Besides indicating our fleet’s vessels, the dark screen now also showed the enemy vessels that Nagato had detected.

  “Haruhi, fall back,” I said. “They’ve split up their fleet and are probably searching for your position. As a Commander, you ought to act like one and command behind the front lines.”

  “What on earth are you talking about?”

  Haruhi’s lips now pursed in irritation.

  “Are you trying to leave me out of this battle? How mean! I want to fire deathrays and missiles along with everyone else as well!”

  I gave the command for the to speed up slightly and said,

  “Haruhi, listen, once your fleet is hit, we’re finished. Just look, the enemy’s vessels in front are all just pawns, while their flagship is probably hiding behind giving commands. You don’t see people sending their Kings out to the battlefield in chess, do you? Besides, we’ve only just begun the battle.”

  “Erm… you may be right…”

  Haruhi looked a bit embarrassed and stared at me like a cat begging for food.

  “Then, I’ll let you guys handle the situation for now. When you come into contact with any enemy vessels, just fire away. There’s no way we can lose to those bastards, absolutely no way. If we lose, the SOS Brigade’s reputation will be in tatters. Besides, I just can’t stand them being above me!”

  “Commander. Intelligence Officer Nagato’s has engaged the enemy and gone to battle stations. I too wish for Your Excellency to command us all from the back.”

  Koizumi sounded serious, but it’s hard to take this guy seriously when he’s smiling so cheerfully.

  “Oh… really?”

  She crossed her arms and sat on the commander's seat, showing the expression of a high-ranking rookie commander who is only there because of her birthright and not her commanding ability.

  Haruhi was now in seventh heaven thanks to Koizumi’s ass-kissing. She crossed her arms and sat on the commander’s seat, showing the expression of a high-ranking rookie commander who is only there because of her birthright and not her commanding ability.

  “Since Advising Officer Koizumi says so, I’ll take his advice. Everyone, go out and kill them all! Show those Computer Study Group people the consequences of trying to be too clever. Our battle objective is total annihilation! Grind them all into stardust!”

  There was nothing wrong with her aim in achieving total victory, but it’s best not to forget that they were the ones who initiated this battle, so they probably had some cards up their sleeves.

  In my opinion, the SOS Brigade’s chances of victory were slimmer than the Japanese navy’s were at Leyte Gulf. There are no ifs in history; even though we were now evenly matched in the number of fleets, we would still lose. So it would probably be best to surrender right away.

  “Sigh, don’t think we can do that either.”

  I rolled up my sleeves and reconfirmed the enemy intelligence on my scr
een. As expected from Nagato, all the enemy fleets, save the commander’s fleet, had now been located. The responsibility of leading our fleet to victory now rested on me (having involuntarily been given the ridiculously exaggerated title of First Officer) using my wits and fingers.

  What strategy should we use?

  “First of all…… here!”

  I stared into the LCD monitor of my notebook PC, and tried to speculate where Commander Haruhi’s intentions would lead us.

  But before getting into that, I’d better explain our current situation to everyone first. It’s always good to sort out one’s thoughts, in order to make the correct decision. Yes, let’s start from there.

  It all began a week ago.

  One autumn day after school.

  It was days after the school festival had ended, and the school had returned to its usual peaceful mood.

  The sentence above was just a cliché, since, to put it bluntly, we’d merely returned to where we were before the school festival. Despite this, I wasn’t the only one who was grateful things had ended so peacefully.

  Since the others hadn’t confessed to me fully, I had no idea what they were really thinking, except that Koizumi’s trademark smile now carried more relief than usual, while Nagato’s blank expression was a guarantee for a job well done.

  For some time, especially recently, I have treated the intense reading of this bookworm as a sign that peace has returned. If Nagato had begun doing weird stuff, or started showing a sense of helplessness, then I’d have had to start writing my will and memoirs. I don’t suppose the word “unexpected” exists in Nagato’s vocabulary. So when I see her sitting in the corner of the Literature Room reading her foreign science fiction novels, I can say with confidence that it is a sure sign that horrible nightmares won’t be coming here.

  On the other hand, the pretty fake maid continued to serve tea meaninglessly in her usual costume. It’s hard to believe she’s from the future, as she never seems to know anything about the past. With a serious look, she began brewing some warm Japanese tea. I have no idea where Asahina learned all this, but she seems to know the correct temperature for brewing all sorts of tea leaves. And she wasn’t brewing with the hot water from the electric flask, but with tap water boiled with a kettle.

  She held a thermometer in one hand, opened the kettle lid with her other hand and stuck the thermometer into the kettle, studying it intently. I just couldn’t see her as someone from the future. Something was just not right. Come to think of it, nothing was right with the headquarters of the SOS Brigade, because everything in it was so weird. The only thing that was normal was my own consciousness telling me that I really do exist. Man, I feel like René Descartes right now.

  This club room once belonged to the Literature Club, but for some time now it had been the lair for Suzumiya Haruhi and her henchmen. I’m probably an important figure myself, if I can remain sane in such a warped dimension. Now that I think about it, the other members in this brigade (besides me) are each backed by a mysterious force, while Haruhi, the commander herself, is full of mysteries. I’m the only one here with an objective mind, and I get frustrated every time I realize that.

  The lunatic four vs. the objective one—no matter how you look at it, the ratio’s just not right. I wish someone would come and share my mental burden with me, just one person would do. After all, it’s not like I have a habit of making some witty remarks every now and then. Sometimes I’d like to stay quiet for once. Why does that responsibility always have to fall on my shoulders? I feel like singing a melancholic tune to vent my frustration on the unfairness of this world. But I don’t want to drag Taniguchi and Kunikida into this. It’s not that I pity them, but they’re just not up to it. I don’t think they have the suitable vocabulary and reflexes to resist Haruhi… I should say they’re a bit mental like Tsuruya-san. Damn it! Is this world run by maniacs?

  “Hmm.”

  I crossed my arms and mumbled as if in deep thought. I wasn’t troubled with what move I should make next in my Go game with Koizumi. There was no difficulty at all in pushing Koizumi’s black pieces to the brink of defeat. If I were to be compared with a board game fanatic like Koizumi, who is honestly quite bad at all of them, then I’d truly be troubled. But that’s not what I was troubled about. What I was troubled with was whether this world is normal or not. Because according to my hypothesis, in a mad world, only the insane can live their lives normally; even the most mentally sane would be driven mad sooner or later. I think I should commend myself for being able to exist peacefully as a normal high school student in this whirlpool that is the SOS Brigade, where normal rules don’t apply. I ought to be praised just for this alone.

  “Allow me to give you some words of praise, then.”

  Koizumi managed to elegantly place his piece down on the Go board and gracefully took one of my white pieces away. He may have made his move, but from his current situation, it was only a matter of time before he found himself in a quagmire.

  “Thanks, but no thanks.”

  I replied, and placed my hands into the container carrying the Go pieces. Amidst the clattering noise of the pieces being mixed around, Koizumi gave a look of sincerity in praising me. This made me even more irritated.

  “Somehow, I don’t feel happy at all being praised by a guy like you. Instead, I’m rather disturbed at what you might be plotting. Let me make this clear: I’m not one of your pawns. If you think I’m going to obediently follow your script, then you’re sadly mistaken.”

  “When you say ‘you,’ to whom are you referring? I’m innocent, really. This is all just because you and Suzumiya-san keep coming up with strange events. My presence alone is the best evidence for that.”

  If Koizumi hadn’t transferred over, then Haruhi wouldn’t have chosen him to join the SOS Brigade. Her interest in “Koizumi Itsuki” had nothing to do with his gender, personality, behavior or appearance, but simply the fact that he was a transfer student, and nothing else. Serves him right. Of all the times to transfer, he had to transfer right after that weird girl had enrolled. Or perhaps he transferred on purpose just so he could approach Haruhi? If he is the esper wonderboy that Haruhi has been looking for all her life, then he should be avoiding her as though she’s a highly radioactive substance, randomly giving off Cherenkov radiation.

  “That was in the past.”

  Koizumi glanced at the Go piece in his hand.

  “Indeed, the original plan was to quietly observe her from behind the scenes without her knowing. I was petrified with terror when Suzumiya-san came straight to my class looking for me, then brought me to this room after school that day. And when she announced that the purpose of the club is to look for aliens, time travelers, and espers and play with them, what else could I do besides smile?”

  Koizumi continued nostalgically,

  “But things are different now. I may have been a mysterious transfer student back then, but I’ve lost that attribute already. I’m sure Suzumiya-san thinks so as well.”

  “So what? In my eyes, you’re still pretty mysterious.”

  Koizumi looked around the room like a cat that loves narrow spaces: he first fixed his gaze for a while on Nagato who was busy reading, then on Asahina, who was paying close attention to the kettle. Then his gaze returned to its original spot.

  Haruhi wasn’t in, since she had cleaning duty that day, or Koizumi and I wouldn’t have been chatting away in a relaxed manner.

  In a club room with the commander absent, Koizumi smiled gently like an experienced vet about to cure a wounded bird and said,

  “Right now, I, Nagato-san, Asahina-san, and you have now become the wonderful members of the SOS Brigade, nothing more, nothing less. I’m sure Suzumiya-san must be thinking the same way as well.”

  “May I ask what’s your definition of ‘nothing more, nothing less’? Is there some meaning to that?”

  “Of course there is a meaning. Paranormal existences like aliens and dimensional travelers are consid
ered more than just members, while everyone else is less significant than us members.”

  Then Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya-san and my sister are considered less significant than members? I’m not trying to plead for them, but the thought of them being worth less than I am sure is discomforting.

  “It’s simple, really. If their existence meant a lot to Suzumiya-san, then they would already be members by now and would be here in this room as we speak. But the fact that they’re not means that they aren’t important in the eyes of Suzumiya-san.

  “They only mean as much to her as the ordinary passerby. Really, after talking so much, we still couldn’t avoid using the consequential theory.”

  “Then what about dimensional travelers? Have they not arrived yet?”

  “Judging from the results, they probably don’t exist. If they did, then they would be summoned to this room by chance or by fate.”

  “They’d better not come. I don’t want to be sucked into an alternate dimension.”

  As I placed my white piece down and devoured Koizumi’s pieces, a tea cup was being placed by the Go board with the victor decided.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting. Please enjoy your tea.”

  Smiling like a gentle coach who had managed to lead her rag-tag school baseball team to the regional championships, Asahina stood by the table and said,

  “I bought a new brand of tea leaves called ‘Karigane.’ It’s easy to brew, but it’s really expensive.”

  Asahina-san, you shouldn’t be paying for those tea leaves with your own money; make sure you remember to ask Haruhi to reimburse your expenses. There’s really no need to be so picky over what tea leaves to brew with because, as long as it’s made by the hands of Asahina, even a cup of tap water can taste better than Evian’s pure mineral water for me.

  “Hee hee, then please try out the tea.”

  Asahina had cosplayed as a maid for so long that she was getting good at it. She placed another cup by Koizumi's side, then gracefully carried the tray over and placed a cup by Nagato’s side.