I dreaded the thought of four more hours of stress and wished I could go home, take a nap, and deal with this later. But since that wasn’t really plausible, or even such a great idea under the current circumstances, I packed my phone back into my purse and went inside to face whatever the afternoon was going to bring.
I stayed in my office the rest of the day wanting to be available if Jack decided to talk to me, but his door remained closed. Fortunately the afternoon was quiet and no one else came in demanding to speak with him.
At 4:00 I heard the door finally open and he stepped into my office, briefcase in hand. I looked up and offered a hesitant smile. He didn’t smile back.
“I’m leaving for the day. I’ll see you Tuesday.” It was the most he had said to me all day, but he didn’t wait for a response and turned to walk out.
The smile left my face. He’d see me Tuesday? What the hell? We almost always spent time together on the weekend - and he seemed to have completely forgotten that I was supposed to be staying at his house for the next few days. My bag was already packed and in my car.
“Jack?” I called to his retreating back.
He turned halfway around and looked irritated. “Yeah.”
“Have I done something to make you mad?”
He stared down at his shoes and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck before looking me in the eye for the first time today. “No, Angie. You haven’t done a damn thing.”
And then he was gone.
Stunned and holding back sudden tears, I stared blankly at the space he had previously occupied and whispered to the empty room, “See ya, Jack.”
***
The rain that had threatened all day finally broke through the clouds while I was driving home. The darkening sky and the chill in the air seemed an apt ending to this perfectly fucked up day.
I drove home by rote, immersed in thoughts of Jack and his strange behavior. I didn’t know if I should call him, or maybe drop by his house, to force a confrontation, or if I should just let it be and wait for him to come to me. I decided it would be best to let it go for tonight and then attempt a conversation tomorrow, after we’d both had a good night’s sleep.
I ran through the rain and let myself in the front door while my stomach simultaneously roiled with nerves and growled with hunger. The headache was trying to come back and I wanted nothing more than to give up on this day completely and crawl into my bed.
Instead, I threw the overnight bag I wouldn’t be needing back into my bedroom and took two more aspirin. I was suddenly craving comfort food, so I got started on making a large casserole dish of macaroni and cheese. It was one of Jack’s favorites and, out of habit, I made three times more than I would ever eat in one sitting - because I never knew when he was going to show up at my door, hoping to be fed. By the time I pulled it out of the oven, and seeing that it was browned just the way Jack liked it, I was fighting back tears. Normally, if he wasn’t already waiting at my table, his fork at the ready, I would be calling him and teasing him with descriptions of what I was having for dinner. And then he would come right over.
But there wasn’t much chance of that happening today. Even though I had technically been with him all day, I missed him. I couldn’t stand the thought of him being so angry with me, but I couldn’t make it better if I didn’t know what the problem was. I remembered all that my parents had said about losing close friendships when two people drifted apart. The thought of that happening to Jack and me had been frightening enough, but an abrupt ending, which is what this felt like, was infinitely worse.
An unexpected knock at the front door made me jump and I hurried across the living room to peek out the side of the still-closed curtains. Jack’s Jeep was in the driveway and he was standing on my porch with his head down.
The fact that he was standing on my uncovered porch, in the rain, waiting for me to answer the door, caused both a sudden wave of nausea and a sense of foreboding. He had a key and he never hesitated to use it, barging right in at all hours of the day and night. He was always welcome and he knew it.
I scrambled to the door and pulled it open, praying things were about to be made right, but knowing deep down they weren’t.
“Hey,” I said. “What are you doing standing on the porch? Come in.” I held the door open while he walked through, but he didn’t answer.
“Are you hungry? I made macaroni and cheese.” I was trying desperately to pretend that everything was normal but the serious look on his face told me it was not – and it might never be again.
“No, thank you. I’m not staying.”
I closed the door and moved around to stand in front of him. “What’s wrong, Jack?” I asked in a trembling voice, bracing myself for his answer.
He raised his head and looked at me and it wasn’t anger I saw in his eyes. It was pain and sadness and, if I didn’t know him better, I might think he was trying not to cry.
“Look, Angie, I’ve swallowed my pride to come here in the first place and now that I have, I’m going to have to swallow it further and put all my cards on the table.”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said while the fear and nausea both intensified.
“I know you don’t and that’s really the problem.” He looked down again, collecting his thoughts, and then met my eyes. “When I thought you slept with Luke last night, I felt like you had shoved a knife directly into my heart and then twisted it.”
“I didn’t sleep with him,” I began, not addressing the bigger issue in that statement, but he cut me off.
“I know that now, but that’s not really the point.”
The thought that I had unintentionally hurt Jack, the person who meant more to me than anyone ever had, or ever would, was repugnant to me. I wanted to go to him, put my arms around him and feel his arms around me while I begged his forgiveness. But I sensed he wouldn’t welcome the contact, so I stayed where I was, pulled in a deep breath and waited for it.
“The point is, I’m tired of fucking around, putting my life on hold, while I watch you wasting yours with guys you don’t even care about. What’s wrong with me, Angie? What is it about me, specifically, that makes almost anyone else a better choice for you?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. I love you.” I could barely get the whispered words out. He couldn’t be any clearer about the purpose of his visit and my thoughts were racing as I tried to think how I was going to make this right without hurting him further.
“Really?” His tone was sarcastic and he was scowling at me. “You love me but you can’t see me as being anything other than a friend. Is that right?”
Oh, God. I needed to tell him. To explain. To make him understand why I couldn’t give him what he was asking for. I wanted him. And, more importantly, I needed him in my life. If he was gone, I didn’t know how I could go on. And that wasn’t melodrama; that was fact.
“No! No, that’s not right. But there are things you don’t know and I – “
“Stop.” He held up his hand and looked down again. He rubbed his fingertips to the center of his forehead a few times before dropping his hand and looking back up. “I know you have some big secret. And it’s also pretty clear that whatever that secret is, it only applies to you having a relationship with me. Because it doesn’t seem to stop you from fucking everyone else.”
“Jack…” I drew back as if he had slapped me, shocked that he could say something so cruel.
His hand came up again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” He took a deep breath before going on. “The thing is, Angie, I’m not asking you for a one-night stand, or even for some fucked up friends with benefits arrangement. What we have together is bigger than that. I know it and I think you know it, too.”
“Yes, I know it.” I was still whispering and he didn’t acknowledge my response.
“It’s time, Angie,” he said quietly. “You need to make a decision. I think you already know I’m in love with you - and I can’t imagine ever being with any
one else - but I need to move forward with my life. I’d prefer to move forward with you, but if you can’t do that, you need to tell me.”
I sucked in a breath and let it out raggedly, fear and longing combining in weird ways, and I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t want you to think this is an ultimatum,” he said. “I’m not trying to force you into doing something you don’t want to do. All I’m asking is for you to really think about this. Admit that what we have together is what some people spend their whole lives looking for and never find. Think about all that we mean to each other and then decide if keeping your secret is worth giving that up.”
The hurt look was back on his face and I bit down hard on my bottom lip and couldn’t respond. He drew in a deep breath and let out an exasperated sigh before continuing.
“I don’t expect an answer right now but, honestly? You’re breaking my heart. I can’t go on pretending to be your friend when we both know I want all of you.”
I pressed my hands to my mouth as I shuddered against the tears that were threatening. I got myself under control enough to ask, “What are you saying? Are you saying it’s all or nothing?”
“Yeah, I guess I am. Either we move forward together or we have to stop having any kind of personal relationship at all. I can’t do this anymore.”
“I just don’t know what to do. I love you so much, Jack. You know that. But I don’t know if I can…” I trailed off, not sure how to complete that sentence, and the tears broke through.
“Angie.” He took me firmly by the shoulders, forcing me to look at him but maintaining his distance. “You have to trust me. If we don’t have trust, then there isn’t any point to all of this anyway, is there? I can’t help you solve this problem if I don’t know what it is.”
He released my shoulders, straightened his own, and stepped back even further. “You can’t keep putting off making this decision. It’s time to act like an adult, Angie. Talk to me about it. Nothing ever gets resolved by keeping things to yourself. I’ll be home all weekend if you want to discuss it. But do not come to me to talk in circles. Either trust me with your secret or, if you decide you can’t do that, then show me the courtesy of coming to me in person to tell me our relationship is over. Can you do that?”
I nodded silently and took a step forward, instinctively seeking the comfort I had always found in his arms.
But he turned his back to me and walked out the door.
I stood there, in the exact same spot he had left me, for several minutes, my head reeling and my heart breaking. I didn’t want to think about this now. It was too much. I couldn’t seem to put any kind of order to the thoughts that were jumbling together inside my head, so I stopped trying.
I walked stiffly to the kitchen, covered the macaroni and cheese with foil and put it in the refrigerator. I walked through the house, checking locks and closing blinds, aware, even if Jack seemed to have forgotten, that there were still people out there who might try to hurt me.
I returned to the living room and my eyes were drawn to the picture of Jack and me that was now hanging above my couch. God, I loved him so much. Could we really always be that happy together? I wanted to think so, and yet…
Act like an adult. You have to make a decision.
Jack’s words replayed in my head and I knew he was right. I couldn’t keep putting off thinking about things I didn’t want to deal with. Putting off dealing with what Steve had done was what landed me in this situation in the first place.
I got my purse from the kitchen and pulled out my iPod. Listening to my music, paying attention to lyrics, and tuning out everything else sometimes helped me to sort things out. I knew that was probably a weird way of going about the decision-making process, but sitting quietly, being soothed by the music, had always had a way of untangling my mixed-up thoughts and emotions.
I sat on the floor with my head tilted back against the couch and closed my eyes. And then I just listened. I didn’t try to force any thoughts; I waited for the music to speak to me.
Darkness fell across the room and still I sat there, smiling to myself at the happy memories some of the songs evoked – memories of old friends and good times; of my parents and growing up; and, especially, memories of Jack.
I had been sitting there in the darkness for quite some time and was drifting off to sleep when a lyric caught my attention. I sat up straight, restarted Isn’t it Time by The Babys, and listened carefully. It was an old song, a song that had grown on me because it was one of my mother’s many favorites - and now it was fairly screaming at me.
I listened all the way through, then started it over and listened again while my heart pounded. I had my answer: Losing this love really would be my mistake.
I stood up as quickly as my stiff legs would allow and tossed the iPod onto the couch. Then I grabbed my purse and drove through the rain to Jack’s house.
Chapter 25
Using my key, I let myself in through the back door, removed my wet shoes and dropped my purse on the kitchen counter. The house was dark and quiet and I assumed Jack had already gone to bed.
I moved silently and purposefully through the house, but when I reached Jack’s bedroom my resolve faltered and I paused in the doorway. The light from the motion detector I had activated when I entered the back yard was shining through the unclosed blinds, illuminating Jack, asleep in the middle of his king-sized bed.
He was sprawled out on his stomach, facing away from me. The blankets were pooled at his naked waist, exposing just the waistband of his underwear, and he had both arms wrapped around his pillow. I moved to the side of the bed and stood there, biting my thumbnail and looking down at him.
As if sensing my presence, he suddenly rolled to his side and looked up at me.
“Angie?” His earlier anger seemed forgotten as he sat up. “What are you doing here, honey? Are you okay?”
I hesitated in my response, knowing I had to tell him the full truth, but wondering how best to begin. The light from the motion detector abruptly shut off and we were left in semi-darkness. Jack reached out to switch on his bedside lamp and I found my voice.
“Don’t,” I said. “Leave the light off.” Saying what I had to say in darkness seemed easier and more appropriate.
He kicked off the blanket and started to get out of the bed. “Honey. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Please don’t get up.” He stopped moving, ran a hand through his hair, and then settled himself up against the headboard.
“You’ve made a decision,” he stated quietly.
I pulled in a deep breath to steady myself, and nodded. “Yes. The thing is, I do trust you, Jack, and I realize now I owe it to you – to us - to tell you the whole truth. But this is something I’ve never told anyone and it’s difficult for me to say. So I really need you to try to understand what I’m telling you and why. I need you to just listen until I’ve said everything that I have to say. Okay?”
He nodded and said softly, “Okay, honey.”
I released another deep breath and then just blurted out the words I had never even allowed myself to think. “When my relationship with Steve ended, he raped me.”
Jack sucked in a breath and visibly flinched but stayed silent, staring at me through widened eyes as I continued on.
“He forcibly held me down and he raped me. It was painful and terrifying and humiliating and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it from happening. I was completely helpless.” I had to break the eye contact as the memories hit me, so I paused and looked at the wall over Jack’s head for a second before returning my eyes to his. Varying emotions, ranging from anger to concern, were flickering over his face and I knew he was fighting his instincts to get up and comfort me.
“And the worst part of all that, even more than all of the pain and humiliation, was that feeling of being powerless against someone stronger than me. And afterwards, it scared me to think that pretty much any man could just take control over my body whenever he felt
like it, whether I wanted it or not. And that knowledge changed me and it changed how I looked at men and intimacy and, especially, trust.”
Jack started to get up again. “Angie, I - ”
“No,” I said, stopping him with an upraised hand. “Please, let me finish.”
His eyes locked to mine and he slowly sat back.
The next part suddenly seemed even harder to say than the first. My heart was hurting, knowing if we couldn’t work this out I might never again be with Jack alone like this, just the two of us, as we had been so many times in the past. I blinked away tears and steeled myself to continue.
“But through all that – all the time I spent deliberately staying away from men while I was trying to get myself together – there was you. You cared about me, you never tried to take what I didn’t want to give and you loved me. And, most importantly, I always knew you would never hurt me. Without even knowing you were doing it, you helped me heal and I loved you for it.”
I swallowed hard and beat back some more tears. “And what I finally realized this week is that I’m in love with you and probably have been for quite some time. But realizing that and being able to do something about it are two very different things. I’m afraid it might be impossible for us to be together.”
“Angie, nothing is impossible.” He pulled away from the headboard and leaned forward, looking at me earnestly. “Tell me what you need. Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you. Anything.”
“I wish it was that simple.” I took the few steps to the bed, sat down on the edge and took hold of his hand, needing the physical contact. His thumb moved back and forth across the back of my hand as he listened. “If we were to be together, I would want you to be happy. And I would want that more than anything else. But I’m afraid that, in the end, you wouldn’t be fully happy with me because I’ll never be able to give you what you need.”
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