Drowning (Tears of Sin Series)

by Rachel Firasek

  I sink down beside her. She wraps her arm around me, and I can’t recall a warmer welcome. Well, except for maybe with Seth. “I was so worried about you.”

  “I'm better.” I wrap my fingers around the arm she has draped over my chest and squeeze. “You were right about going crazy if I held everything in.” I really needed to learn how to hold my shit together if I am going to continue living here with her. Row would have me committed if there was ever a chance I’d hurt Molly. “I'm going to clean the studio up this afternoon.”

  She clucks her tongue at me like my third-grade, school teacher when I’d said something about my dad leaving a mark on my leg. “Alice, I was worried because you aren't well. You need to talk to someone.” She fidgets with the edge of her blouse. “Uh, I know a therapist. I've been seeing him for handling my coping. I think you should talk to him.”

  Therapy is lame and all they want to do is rehash the hell I’d lived in all my life. “I don't need therapy. I need for one E. Harrison to stay the hell away from me.”

  Molly flinches at the anger in my voice, but doesn’t say anything in response. She’s frowning like I’m the biggest disappointment of her life. Or maybe that’s just my take on her expression. I don’t know. I’m tired and raw and I just want a change of clothes and my bed.

  Instead, I nudge her. “Besides, it’s not been that bad since my last meltdown.” “Mom won't let me come home until you get therapy.”

  The snort that comes out of me starts off like condescension, but turns to full-on laughter. “I didn't realize she cared.”

  Molly frowns and smacks the couch. “She doesn't. But she doesn't want your behavior to affect me, and she worries that I'll dive into some pity party with you.”

  I didn't think about that. For once, I have to agree with Rowena. No way in hell am I going to let my fucked-up brain mess with Molly’s rehabilitation. “Okay. If you think therapy will help. But I'm not meeting in some stuffy office.”

  “Okay. I'm sure he'll be willing to meet you wherever you like.” She laughs. “Except The Basement.”

  No, that wouldn't work. I can't take someone to the one place I can lose myself. It’s bad enough that I took Seth with me. Look at how that turned out.

  Molly turns to me. “Hey, I heard an ad on the radio about a sky-diving class. I know how much you love jumping. Would you like to take it?”

  “No.” At this point, with everything all jagged and at the surface, there’s nothing I want more than to jump several thousand miles up from a moving missile, but I made a promise, and so far it’s the only one I’ve been able to keep.

  “It would get you out of the house more—”

  “I said no, Mole. Drop it.”

  “Okay.” She keeps dangling that carrot out there, and this little rabbit wants to take a big bite. “Well, listen, I can't stay today, but I'll try to be back tomorrow.”

  I want to beg and plead that she stay. If she doesn't, I'm sure my dad will find his way back. I wonder what it is that has him so urgent to see me, but I can't chance taking the time to ask him. I have to stay away from him. “I'll walk you downstairs.”

  Molly smiles and everything seems right again. She stands and runs a hand up my arm, over my shoulder, gently patting her hand until it settles on my cheek. “Alice, I love you.”

  “Ah, love you too, Mole.” I pull her into a hug and hold on for dear life.

  I help her to the door and open it to Seth’s raised hand. He drops it and grins. “Hi.”

  He’s still just as gorgeous this morning as he was last night. “Seth?” I brush a hand over my curls. I probably look a mess, but I haven’t ever really worried about it before. It’s all weird now that we’ve seen each other naked and didn’t complete the job. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was going to see if you wanted to get some lunch.”

  I blink at him. Lunch? Talking in public? No sex? I don’t know if I can handle that much time with him. He’ll ask more questions, and I still need time to process.

  Molly nudges my shoulder. “I was just going to take Molly downstairs. If you want to meet me down there, we can grab something.”

  “You're saying yes?”

  “Uh, yeah.”

  Molly smiles, and I know that this turn of events has pleased her. She's always been worried about my inability to commit. And I’ve never let her know that it’s not the commitment that scares me. It’s the chance that I’ll let someone close and he’ll be afraid of the damage on my soul.

  “Seth, it was really good to see you again.” She leans forward and runs her hand up his chest to his cheek, then around to his neck. I don't get mad, I know this is how she has to communicate now. Seth lowers his head, and she whispers something in his ear.

  He blushes and backs away. “I'll meet you downstairs, Alice.”

  I lock up and tug Molly into the hall. She lets me have a few moments to gather my thoughts before she begins peppering me with questions. “So, you like this guy?”

  “Yeah. I do.”

  “He likes you. I can tell.”

  “How?”

  “He just does.” Halfway to the elevator, she stops. “Alice, don't mess this up. Let it happen.”

  I want it to happen so stinking bad my gut aches at night. I don’t tell her I pretty much stripped and threw myself at him. She probably wouldn’t be all that surprised to hear it anyway.

  We wait for the elevator, and I will it to hurry. “I'm trying.”

  “Try really hard.” She leans against me and I sway back, the same way we used to do.

  “Okay, shit. Get off my back.” I grin around the snap, even though I mean it. “I'm sorry. Just, I'm really working on it.”

  We ride down in silence and I help her through the lobby and out to the car waiting. David rushes around. Secretly, I think he has a bit of a crush on Molly.

  “David has it from here. Go have fun. You haven't had fun in months.” She leans out the backdoor. “Just be a kid for a few days. Mom will chill, and I'll be back before you know it.”

  “Love you, Mole.”

  “You too, squirt.”

  The car pulls out into traffic, and I turn to wait for Seth in the lobby, but he's already coming out of the building, and man is he fucking beautiful. I'm even sadder that Molly can't see him, and we can't spend hours going on and on about him.

  He smiles at me, and I lose my breath. “Are you ready?”

  “Yeah.” My voice is shaky.

  He tilts his head and watches me. He’s going to see the nerves skating under my skin. I take a deep breath and lock my hands behind my back.

  “Wanna walk?”

  “Sure.” I glance up the road to my favorite place. “Is the Lace Cup okay?”

  “Sure.”

  The Lace Cup is a boutique cafe a block away and other than the name, I'm not sure that the owner has any clue that they aren't quite pulling off shabby chic. It's mostly just shabby, but the pie is great. Our walk is passed with quick glances at each other, soft smiles, and an occasional hand brushing the other.

  Seth holds the door open and places his fingers on my lower back as we enter. I trip over the threshold and that hand clutches my shirt, keeping me from face planting. “Steady there, stumbles.”

  My nickname would of course personify my failures.

  We find a table and Ms. Miriam rushes to take our order. She’s very fond of my sister and I, and the feeling’s mutual.

  “Alice. Why honey, it’s been days since we’ve seen you. How’s Molly doing?”

  I toy with the edge of the menu. “She’s great. Uh, Ms. Miriam, this is Seth. He owns the condos we live in.”

  The elderly woman takes a pen from behind her ear and jots down a note on her order pad. “Seth, it’s so good to meet you.” She places the note in front of him. “Now, you take that with you and look at it later. Alone. Don’t be telling Alice what it says either. It’s a game we like to play here at the Lace Cup.”

  “I don’t know. She
can be awfully tricky.” Seth grins at me, and I thump him with the toe of my shoe under the table. “See? Tricky?”

  “You’re going to show me that later.” I point my fork at him, but he smirks back.

  Ms. Miriam smacks me on the head with her pad. “Be good, girl, or I won’t give you any lemon meringue.”

  I give her my sweetest smile. “Can I have a tea and your largest slice of pie, pretty please.”

  “Gah, who could ever say no to that face.”

  Seth nods his head, but he’s watching me with a focus that brushes away my cheesy expression. “I can’t.”

  Miriam clicks her tongue and rushes off. She didn’t get Seth’s order, but it doesn’t matter, somehow she’ll know and get everything right.

  He toys with the salt shaker, tossing it back and forth between his hands. I’m mesmerized by the tiny grains of salt flicking out onto the table.

  “So, are you feeling better today?” His strained voice startles me out of my trance.

  “Yes, the rest was good. Thanks.”

  Seth straightens in his seat. “Can we talk?”

  “I thought that's what we were doing.” I’m so not going to like this conversation.

  “Okay, so let's try this.” He reaches across the table and grabs my hand. I glance down at his black nails and smile. He laughs. “I liked your present, by the way. I think I’ll keep the nails. It’ll freak the hell out of Gabe.” We both laugh, and I’m hit with how odd it is to just sit here and hold hands. A little too intimate.

  “Why music?” I blurt it out because I'm uncomfortable with all the focus on me. Especially after last night.

  “Uh, well, my mom. I guess. She played guitar and could sing the sinners into church. I remember her voice. It was...brilliance.” He speaks of her with so much love, and I instantly hate her for being so weak and leaving them. “I got in band in school and just stayed with it. What about you? Why art?”

  He watches me, and I hold very still so that I won't give away how uncomfortable this is making me. My lips part and without my permission, the truth whispers out. “I can escape.”

  Miriam scuttles back over to the table with two slices of lemon pie. “Enjoy.” She must feel the tension too. I’ve never seen her rush off before.

  “That's it?”

  How do I explain this? I’ve never had to tell anyone why I do what I do. “You shut out the half of your brain that reasons when you're focused on art. It's the same with your music. When you focus on just the music, do you get lost? Time stops? The world quiets?”

  He’s nodding his head before I even finish. “Yeah, wow.” He looks at me like I’m his other half, and he’s just now getting it. “So, do you play anything?”

  “Well, you know about the piano,” I twitch in my seat, hoping to find a position that doesn’t make me feel so displayed, “and I play a few other instruments.”

  His eyebrows dart up. “Really? Why don't I know this yet?”

  “You just asked.” I take my hand from his and sip from my soda. “My mother was a famous concert pianist. Roberta Sanchez rocked the stage for about nine years until she took a job as a private tutor to E. Harrison's daughter, Molly. Molly was three. He wanted her to have the best, so he bought the best.”

  “And then they had an affair?”

  I shrug. I rake my fork through my pie, smearing it on the plate. “Who knows what it was? She feared him. It could have been rape, blackmail even. I tend to believe it like that more than that she could ever love someone like him.”

  His fingers tense around his glass of tea. “You are so nonchalant about the situation.”

  “No, I'm angry.” Royally pissed is more like it. “But it doesn't do me any good. I have to keep living. If I do nothing else, I will not let him win.”

  Seth sits back and sighs. “Alice...” Whatever he was going to say, he stops and redirects. “So, do you sing?”

  I don’t want to answer that question. I don’t exactly know why, but it’s like I’m giving him every little part of myself. I’d tried to show him the night at The Basement. I thought it would have been a good way for us to connect, but now it feels weird telling him.

  So I shrug and look away, taking a large bite of pie. If my mouth’s full, I can’t answer him.

  “Oh.” His shoulder's droop. He chews on the inside of his cheek, and I know I’m making this difficult on him. “Molly was back this morning.”

  “Yes, she snuck out. It's really ridiculous because she's twenty-four. She shouldn't have to sneak away to go back to her own house.”

  “Her parents are that controlling?” He takes a large bite of pie while I’m thinking of a way to answer him. He groans when the sweet tart flavor hits his tongue. “This is so good.”

  I nod. “They don't control. They manipulate. Every situation to their advantage. In some ways, Rowena is worse than Harrison.” I feel the cold edge of sadness creeping in. I need to get away from this talk. “Hey? Do you want to do something fun today?”

  His mouth twists, and one dark brow raises. “What?”

  “Let's go to the cliffs.”

  “Widow's Peak?”

  “Yep. It's a great place to clear the air.”

  He drops some dollars on the table and stands. “That sounds great. Let me go grab a blanket, and we'll go.”

  “A blanket?”

  “Yeah, to sit on up there.”

  I pinch his shirt and laugh. “You are such a girl. What? Are you afraid of a little dirt?”

  “No, silly, I was hoping to kiss you.” His eyes dart to my mouth. “Maybe do more. But now you've gone and killed all the romance.”

  Well shit. “Ha, you just didn't want to sit on the dirt.”

  W E JOKE LIKE LIFELONG FRIENDS all the way to the cliffs. She doesn't know it, but I'm fighting myself like crazy. I want to bring up her dad. I have a million questions, and the protector in me wants to make sure that he pays for hurting her.

  “Seth?”

  “Yeah?”

  She glances forward, a smile tipping up the corner of her mouth. “We're here.”

  I haven't been paying attention and slam on the brakes, stopping only a few feet from the edge of the bluffs. We both slam forward, snapping against the seatbelts and jerking back against the bench. “Holy fuck! Alice, are you okay?”

  She giggles. “I'm fine, but you don't look so good.”

  “Shit, I almost killed us.” I put the truck in reverse and back up to give us some measure of safety. She jumps out and bounces a few times, then takes a deep breath of the clean lake air. “You really do love it here.”

  “Yes! Who wouldn't?”

  We lay the blanket on the ground and lose our shoes. It's just warm enough to still need T-shirts and shorts. She's in jeans that make her ass look great, but I'm pretty sure that she only wears them to cover the horrible scars lacing her thighs. I'm having a hard time keeping my anger from her. I like Alice. I care for her, but that just makes everything worse. What kind of a person can hurt a woman like her? She's too sweet. Yeah, she has a hard shell, but she's brutally real.

  “Why don't you sing to me?” She drops her head on my arm, and we're lying side by side, staring into the clouds and listening to the waves. The sweet scent from her hair mixes with the scent of the water. Fresh and inviting.

  “Uh, nah. I'm working on something, but it's not ready.”

  She sighs but lets it go. “Okay, tell me about your dad.”

  I lace a hand in hers and pull it to my chest, beating a rhythm against the inside of her palm with my finger. She fits perfectly against me. “He's hard. Focused. He works a lot. He’s corporate real estate, so he’s either always gone, or at the office.”

  She rolls to the side and traces our linked hands to my heart. “What's he like in here?”

  That’s a good question, and I wish I knew the answer. “I'm not sure anymore. He used to be great.” I trace a finger over her eyebrow, batting at the silver loop she’s wearing there. The silver
used to repel me, but that was before I knew how brave, how smart, and how beautiful she really is. Now, it’s just another sexy part of her.

  “Have you reminded him that you need him to be there for you?”

  “Nah.” Somewhere during the day she’d turned the interrogation on me, and I’m about ready to call it to a halt. All this digging and she’ll bring up memories that will ruin what I have planned for her.

  “Sometimes people forget. They just get so focused that they forget everyone else. Plus, it's a really good way to cope with loss.” She probably knew that first hand.

  “Maybe you're right.”

  “I know I am.”

  I glance down, and she's watching me. I roll us until I'm half laying on her and kiss her bottom lip. It's just a whisper, a tease of what will come next. I'm testing her. I don't want her to flip out on me. She parts her lips, and her eyes drop to mine. She wants this. Me. I go for the kill and slide my tongue against her. She groans, and it's all I can do to keep from grinding against her stomach. I break from her mouth and kiss a path to her collar bone where I suck, marking her. She's mine, and I want everyone to know it.

  She arches her back, pressing her breasts against my chest and my dick shifts against her leg. Damn, she’s so fucking hot. I kiss her with teeth and tongue and sucks, and she matches me.

  I lower my hands to frame her waist and lift her to me. She whimpers, and I ease up.

  “No, don't stop.”

  Her hands are frantic against the back of my shirt. She scrapes her nails against my shoulders. She bites the side of my neck, and I'm all twisted thumbs. I drag her shirt up and over her lacy bra, revealing the small perfection of her breasts. The bra snap twists in my hand, and she laughs but helps me get it off. I love that even though she’s covered in horrible reminders of her tragic life, she’s trusting enough to be open with me. When I cover her small breasts with my hands, she bucks against me.

  “Oh, God, Alice.”

  “Yes. Don’t stop.” Her hands clutch at my back like I’m her lifeline.

  “Are you sure?” If she says no, I’m going to have to jump off the cliffs and cool off in the chilly lake. If she says yes, I’m going to make sure she never forgets where I’ve been.