Outback Heart

by Palmer, Fiona

  ‘Thanks,’ Troy said, taking it from him. It was ice cold, yet he felt numb to it.

  ‘So, wanna tell me what you’ve done to Indi?’

  Troy jerked his head towards Jasper and studied the look on his face. What does he mean? What does he know?

  After a moment of silence, Jasper spoke. ‘Look, it may be none of my business, and you’ll probably tell me to go to hell, but she’s my only sister and she’s all messed up right now because of you.’

  Troy opened his mouth but Jasper silenced him with a hand.

  ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed – she’s been missing from training and our semi game. Indi loves her football and for her not to turn up is major. She’s trying to cope but she sucks at it.’

  ‘What do you know?’ Troy asked quietly. He was uncomfortable under Jasper’s gaze.

  ‘I know it all, and I know you plan to leave us after the footy wraps up.’

  His mouth dropped open. ‘I . . . I’m waiting till the season ends,’ he said, as if that made it all better.

  ‘It still sucks. It’s hardly been six months and you’re just going to leave, like that?’

  ‘I would have said goodbye,’ he added, but even he could hear the lie. He couldn’t do goodbyes. Slipping away quietly was more his style.

  ‘Look, Indi told me about Peta.’ Jasper dropped his voice. ‘I know you’ve been through a lot and you’re pushing Indi away, but you don’t get it: Indi wants to be with you regardless.’

  ‘Jasper, I don’t want that life for her. I don’t want her to go through what I went through with Peta. Watching someone die? Indi deserves better.’

  ‘What she deserves is to have her own choice. Don’t you realise she’s already been there? She gave up her life to be with our mum, to look after her, to nurse her as she watched her slowly die. You’re not saving Indi from anything she hasn’t already been through. And you know what?’ Jasper said, poking Troy with his finger. ‘Indi would never do any of it differently. She and Mum got really close those last few months. W-we all did.’ His voice stammered. ‘Every moment we had left with Mum was so valuable —’ Jasper cut himself off.

  Troy hadn’t really thought of it like that. Indi with her mum, knowing there was no cure for cancer and watching her slip away. At least Peta had a chance of a new heart. It just didn’t come in time.

  ‘Could you have walked away from Peta? Because that’s what you’re asking Indi to do.’

  ‘I . . . It’s different. Peta and I were already in love. It was too late.’ But realistically he’d known about Peta’s heart from the start and it had never stopped him loving her.

  ‘Indi obviously loves you, so you’re already breaking her heart.’

  Troy glanced off into the darkness. ‘I don’t think so. She seems quite happy with Spud,’ he said. He couldn’t keep the jealousy from his voice. Just thinking about what they could be up to made him sick.

  Jasper began to laugh but he cut it short when he saw how shocked Troy looked. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘She’s not with Spud. Spud’s just being a gentleman.’

  Troy raised an eyebrow, not fully understanding.

  ‘You dick. She saw you, freaked and was crying on Spud’s shoulder. She can’t face you since you rejected her.’

  Jasper’s frankness rattled him. ‘So she’s not . . .?’

  ‘You’re an arsehole. You throw her away and now you’re jealous.’ Jasper started to get angry but then his eyes grew wide as something else dawned on him. ‘Oh, you love her too, don’t you?’ Jasper began to chuckle again. ‘You can’t deny it – your face is a dead giveaway.’

  ‘Shut up,’ Troy growled but it was half-hearted. Inside he was soaring with the news that Indi still loved him. He didn’t want to lose her to another bloke. The thought of letting her go seemed like a brilliant idea but then he’d never pictured her in the arms of someone else either. Oh, how that changed everything.

  ‘So you think I should give it a try? You wouldn’t hate me if I up and died on her tomorrow?’ Troy searched Jasper’s face, waiting for his answer.

  ‘Man, Peta’s death really fucked you up, didn’t it? I’m sorry you had to go through that, but that’s life. People die all the time. We have to move on for them, keep them in our memories, of course, but we’re living for them, don’t you see?’ Jasper touched his finger to Troy’s chest. ‘That heart you have, do you know where it came from?’

  ‘I have a pretty good idea.’

  ‘Well, how do you think that person would feel to know you’re not really using it? You’re living for two people now, mate. You owe that heart all the emotions it can get, whether it’s love, anger, pain or jealousy. Don’t you know that’s living, and without all that what have you got? Nothing. You’ve shut out everyone who cares about you. You’re hurting them but you’re also hurting yourself. I know you think you’re saving everyone, but you’re not. Not really. Indi could find someone else and lose that person in an accident. Hell, she could get hit by a bus and you’ll be on your own.’

  Jasper did have a point.

  ‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’ Jasper asked.

  ‘Yeah, a sister. Gerry.’ For all he knew she probably had pink hair and tattoos by now, or maybe she had a boyfriend. Heck, maybe she even had a kid?

  ‘What if Gerry died tomorrow, then who have your parents got left? Don’t you think they deserve to at least have some happy memories of you to keep with them? You may not even die and you could have missed out on years and years of good times.’ Jasper sighed. ‘Are you getting anything I’m saying?’

  Troy nodded. He wondered if maybe he’d mellowed over the years, or maybe falling for Indi had changed him. Did this mean he was forgetting everything he went through with Peta? He had to admit that he remembered more of the good times with her and less of the final hospital days. They say that time heals. Maybe they were right?

  Troy didn’t need any more convincing. He felt like he’d just been given a free pass to keep Indi. Closing his eyes, he pictured himself calling his mum, dialling their home number on the farm. His emotions built up as he realised how much he missed them all. For so long he’d denied himself love. He needed to get out of here before he lost his cool. Getting up out of the chair, he kept his eyes firmly on the ground.

  ‘Troy?’ said Jasper. ‘Where you going? Hey, I’m sorry,’ he yelled out as Troy charged away.

  But it was too late, Troy had slipped into the dark, was headed back to his ute. He needed some time alone to think. He’d been this way for so long, he didn’t know how to get the old Troy back.

  Back at his house he sat at the kitchen table, Peta’s photo in his hands, his half-drunk beer in front of him. He touched her face, remembering the feel of her hair, so silky in his hands. He remembered her smile and her infectious laughter. But now he also had visions of Indi in his arms, her laugh and the feel of her hair. Was it possible to love so strongly again in one life?

  Troy pulled down the neck on his jumper and stared at his scar. Peta had once told him he was not defined by his scar, so why, then, had he been living as though he was?

  ‘What would you do, Peta?’ he asked. ‘What would you do?’

  34

  THE smell of freshly baked buns wafted from the door of the bakery. It did nothing to quell the rumbling of Indi’s starving belly. She grabbed a drink and ordered her lunch. ‘Just a chicken and avo focaccia, please, Annie.’

  ‘Sure thing, love.’ Annie’s long grey-streaked hair was plaited to the side, hanging over her shoulder.

  Indi handed her the money and stepped back to wait. There was quite a buzz with the lunchtime rush. Indi could hear two girls chatting at one of the bakery tables. She homed in on the voices: it was Tiffany and her best friend Bec. Tiff was just about to turn eighteen and worked two days a week with Jenny and Phil. Indi’s ears pricked up at the mention of Troy’s name.

  ‘You’re so lucky to work with Troy,’ Bec was saying. Indi could picture her wearing h
er usual short shorts and a tank top, even though it was still cold.

  ‘Well, I was lucky, but yesterday I overheard Jenny talking to Troy. It sounded like he’d handed in his resignation.’

  ‘What?’ sighed Bec.

  ‘I know. I think Jenny wasn’t too happy. I mean, it’s only been six months. But I heard him say he already had a job lined up.’

  ‘Doing what?’

  ‘Don’t know,’ said Tiff. ‘Old Mr Brookman came in wanting bloody sheep drench so I missed out on the rest.’ Tiff lowered her voice and Indi strained harder.

  ‘Oh, man, that sucks.’

  ‘You want to hear something worse?’

  Bec’s friend scoffed. ‘What’s worse than that?’

  ‘Well, this morning Eric told me something.’ Eric was Tiff’s on-again off-again boyfriend.

  ‘He said his mum did a shift at the Wildflower shop this morning and Troy was there with a very pretty girl. Actually, she said she was stylish, young and gorgeous,’ Tiff said with disgust.

  ‘Who was she?’

  ‘No idea. She’d never seen her before but apparently they were all over each other, holding hands and hugging all the time. Maybe he’s leaving because he’s got a new woman?’

  ‘Well, I heard a rumour that Troy and Indi might have hooked up.’

  Tiff snorted at her friend. ‘Everyone knows she bats for the other team. She spends all her time at that footy club and she hasn’t even slept with any of them,’ she scoffed.

  ‘Indi,’ called Annie, startling her. Annie waved her lunch order at her. Indi thanked Annie and headed for the door.

  With her heart still racing she headed back to her ute. Bloody small towns and gossip. Indi didn’t know what to believe. Troy had handed in his resignation? He said he would wait until after the finals. Did he think that tomorrow’s prelim game was their last? What if the team found out?

  She was no longer hungry. In fact, she felt a little ill. She threw her lunch onto the passenger side and drove back to work.

  She was working in the open bulkhead today, transferring grain into the cells ready to load into the train wagons. The bulkheads were oval shaped with metal struts on a rough bitumen floor, out in what was once someone’s old paddock. In big yielding years they would need these bulkheads, filling them with high peaks of grain. Later the tarping crew would come out and sew huge canvas tarps over them to protect the grain from the elements and so they could fumigate it if needed. And when they needed that grain it was part of Indi’s job to pull the tarps off, but only sections at a time just in case it rained. You never played with tarps in the wind either. You could easily be lifted off the ground.

  The rest of the crew were still on their lunch break, sitting back in the hut, probably watching TV. Indi took her drink and pulled herself up over the metal struts and climbed up the tarp that covered the grain stack. At the top of the stack she sat down, facing the view of the crop growing in a nearby paddock. Not even the beauty of the countryside around her could lift her spirits today. She watched a big wedgetail eagle soaring through the sky, probably eyeing off a little lamb. She felt like that lamb.

  What was she to do? She didn’t want to miss the guys’ game tomorrow – she couldn’t do that again – but she’d fallen to pieces last Saturday just seeing Troy. Spud had been great, not pushing her to explain, but he’d made her swear she wouldn’t miss their game. At least he’d never made her promise about training. She couldn’t do training. All that time on the sideline with Troy. It would be too much, too painful, too hard. But she was determined to watch the game and be there for the boys. She would focus on Patrick and Jasper. She could do this, right?

  ‘There’s only one way to find out,’ she said. The breeze whisked her words from her mouth and dispersed them through the air. It was a cold and clear day and everything seemed fine from this height. It gave her hope that things would get better.

  35

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here,’ said Troy, as he grabbed her hand again.

  ‘I know, you’ve said that already.’ Gerry smiled at him across the table. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be making me breakfast?’ she asked.

  Troy couldn’t stop gawking at his sister. His beautiful baby sister was all grown up. She was a teenager when he’d last seen her, but now a tall, well-dressed woman sat opposite him. She still had Gerry’s trademark smile and blemish-free skin, but the skilfully applied make-up was throwing him.

  ‘Sorry, it’s just so freaky seeing you all grown up.’

  Gerry laughed. ‘Well, you haven’t changed a bit, big brother. I was worried that the next time I saw you, you’d be . . .’ She couldn’t finish her sentence but Troy fully understood. Her eyes glazed over with pain and he felt like a right prick.

  ‘I know, I’m so sorry. I thought what I was doing was right.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. It’s never too late. I can’t wait to see the look on Mum and Dad’s faces when they see you.’ Gerry clasped her hands together.

  ‘Don’t tell them, okay?’

  ‘Wouldn’t dare. Just don’t forget to pick me up on your way through Perth. I wish I could stay longer and watch your footy team play, but I really have to get back and study. You threw a spanner in my plans when you rang, but I’m glad you called.’

  ‘Me too. It should have been much sooner.’

  ‘Hey, how did you even get my number?’

  Troy flipped the switch on the kettle and sat down. ‘I rang what I thought was your number and when that didn’t work, I rang Freddie.’

  She leaned back with a smile. ‘Ah, Freddie. I love him to bits. You know he’s always ringing me or dropping by to see how I’m going. I don’t know whether he just took it upon himself to be my big brother, or whether being closer to me helped him feel closer to you.’

  ‘Wow, really? He never said. He’s amazing, that bloke.’ He owed Freddie so much. Now was the time to make up for that.

  ‘He’s always idolised you. Even when we were younger I could see it. He just wanted to be you. Friendships like that don’t come around very often,’ Gerry said.

  Troy was shocked. It was so hard to get used to this grown-up, clever woman. He closed his mouth and got up to finish making their coffees.

  ‘I’m really proud of you, Gerry,’ he said, as he glanced back at her while stirring in sugar. Her smile nearly broke his heart and he felt tears well up again. He’d cried so much since he first saw her get out of her car yesterday. They both had. He had to keep promising her that he wasn’t disappearing again. And to prove it he asked her to stay the night.

  Even in yesterday’s creased dress she was still a vision. ‘So, really no boyfriend? I find that hard to believe,’ he said, putting their cups on the table and sitting down.

  ‘Troy boy, I have no time for a guy. I’m devoting everything to nursing and what time I take off I spend with my friends. To tell you the truth, I’m not looking. Just having fun.’

  ‘So when’s the last time you went back to the farm?’ They’d talked all day and half the night but Troy kept finding more questions for her.

  ‘At Christmas. Mum had a present under the tree just in case you decided to pop in. So expect to be dragged inside and loaded up with all the gifts. They’re still there wrapped and waiting for you.’

  Troy ran his hand through his hair. ‘They’ll probably skin me alive when I show my face.’

  ‘No. They’ll cry happy tears, just like I did.’ Gerry took a sip of her coffee. ‘You know, I really like this little town with its fancy rock. I can see why you like it here. It makes me miss the farm.’ She leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. ‘So, what about this girl Indi? When are you going to sweep her off her feet and tell her how you really feel?’

  Troy glanced at the picture of Peta and smiled. ‘I don’t know if I’ll sweep her off her feet – she’d probably deck me – but I’ll catch up with her today at the game and tell her. I should probably have done it soon
er but I needed to see you first. This has been a massive step for me, but it was the right step.’

  Gerry reached across the table, squeezed his hand. As she did she saw her watch. ‘Oh, crap. I really need to get back to Perth and you need to get ready for your big game.’

  ‘I wish you could stay another night.’ He dropped his lip and sulked.

  ‘Sorry, bro. That puppy dog routine never worked on me. Mum maybe, but never me.’ She laughed as he pouted and feigned hurt.

  ‘All right. Luckily I’ll see you again soon. Do you need fuel? I’ll take you down to the roadhouse and fill up your car.’

  ‘No, you don’t have to do that,’ she said.

  ‘Come on. I was at uni once, remember? I bet you’re always short of cash.’ She smiled sheepishly. ‘See. All right, breakfast first. Bacon and eggs? Or are you on a diet?’ He wasn’t sure. It worried him to think he didn’t have a bloody clue. She’d had a salad at the Wildlife park and had cooked up a stir-fry last night.

  ‘No, I’m good. I try not to eat too much junk food but because I’m saving my pennies and studying all the time, my diet tends to consist of two-minute noodles. So bacon and eggs sound great. Thanks.’

  ‘I’m onto it.’ Troy got up to pull the ingredients from his fridge and kept looking back over his shoulder. It was surreal. His sister was here, in his house. Already he found himself counting down the days until he could get to Perth to see her again. He felt so alive that his chest ached with all the emotions he’d spent the last few years trying to bury. He’d been half a man then. It was so easy to see what he’d been missing. Finally he’d found himself.

  36

  INDI’S plans of ignoring Troy died the moment she saw his silhouette in the change room doorway.

  She’d been on edge all morning, sick with nerves. Luckily Jasper’s pre-game nerves were enough to take the focus off her. ‘Jasper, there are only so many times you can pace through the house,’ she said to him. ‘How about you come and help me make the scones for afternoon tea?’