To Love and Protect

by Tammy Jo Burns

  Her head throbbed and every time she tried to open her eyes, she had to bend over the chamber pot. Thoroughly exhausted, she lay back on the bed, her hair matted to her sweaty face and neck. She tried to move a hand to her pounding head, but someone promptly caught it and placed it beside her once more.

  “Clarissa, can you talk to me?”

  She heard the sweet sounding voice of her future mother-in-law. She really was a sweet woman. Too bad she had such a rat for a son. Clarissa tried to say yes, but her voice would not work. A blurry shape stood over Clarissa. She could not bring it into focus, but heard Maureen’s voice again.

  “Mamma, come here. Something’s wrong.”

  “What is it?” Another blurry object floated over her.

  “Clarissa, can you hear me?” Matilda demanded. Clarissa tried to respond to her but her mouth and throat would not cooperate. Frustrated tears slipped from her eyes.

  “Calm down,” Maureen soothed. Clarissa felt a cool hand on her forehead. “She’s burning up.”

  “Can you move your fingers?” The women watched as she wiggled the fingers on her right hand but not her left. “I must ask you a delicate question. Could you be pregnant? If yes, lift one finger on your right hand. If no, lift two.” Clarissa lifted two fingers.

  “Have you had your courses?” Clarissa lifted one finger. “Good,” Matilda’s voice sounded relieved. “Now listen, you have taken a nasty fall.” Clarissa tried to nod her head in agreement, but the pounding increased. Tears leaked from her eyes and her stomach churned horribly at the pounding.

  “Get the chamber pot,” Matilda commanded quickly. Clarissa felt herself being turned to heave once more, but her body would give no more. She was just racked over and over by violence of what felt like her body attempting to expel her stomach. When it stopped, the women eased onto her back once more. A cool, wet cloth swiped across her face. The hands and voice soothed her into a state of semi-sleep.

  “The head wound is causing the vomiting,” she heard Matilda say.

  “What can be done?”

  “Nothing right now. I’m worried that more of a bump is not showing. That could mean the bump is pressing inside and could cause more damage. The bump could be causing the paralysis.”

  “Perhaps it is more of a cut than anything,” she heard the countess suggest hopefully.

  “Perhaps,” Justin’s grandmother didn’t sound very hopeful at all.

  Clarissa made a motion with her hand. “I think she wants to ask something,” Maureen said. She heard rummaging in the desk and then a paper placed under her hand and a pencil put in her fingers. Die? She wrote shakily.

  “No dear,” the younger of the two women said. “You’re going to be fine. We’re just a little worried about that gash on your temple. You’re going to be around long enough to give me lots of grandchildren and to cause my son misery for every one of his waking days.” Clarissa heard the teasing note in her voice. A small smile played on her lips until she remembered all that Justin had told Megan and what she had overheard the maids discussing. Then she thought of her father. She felt suffocated by all the deceit. She felt betrayed at every turn. Instead of letting her think about it, her body took over, and she sank into oblivion.

  “I think she’s gone to sleep,” Maureen told her mother.

  “Fainted more like. There was something going on tonight in that dining room. She was mechanical and hardly said a word.”

  “Did you see how Justin and her father kept watching her?”

  “And then that granddaughter of mine having a mysterious headache? She’s never sick. No. Something is definitely going on, and her body is shutting itself down so she won’t have to deal with it. At least there is no child. I fear she would have lost it if there had been when she fell down the stairs and that armor fell on her.”

  “Do you really think she and Justin?”

  “Maureen, what did you and Edward do?” Maureen was surprised to feel a blush steal across her face at her age. “Daughter, I would have been more surprised if nothing had happened,” she said patting the countess’s shoulder.

  “What about the paralysis?”

  “I’ve never seen that before in all my days. We will have to treat what we can and pray for the rest. Now we need to start placing these cold compresses on her bruises, especially her stomach area. We don’t need to fight bleeding as well.” Maureen nodded and began doing as her mother instructed.

  ***

  Matilda stepped into the hall after caring for her patient and saw Justin and Clarissa’s father. Both men looked bleak. She could not feel sorry for them if they were responsible for that poor girl’s condition. She cleared her throat watching as both men looked up at her. Justin quickly got to his feet and then helped the older man.

  “How’s my little girl?” the duke asked. Justin saw his grandmother’s face and leaned heavily against the wall. Hamilton saw his reaction then demanded, “What is it?”

  “She’s not in good shape. She’s running a fever and extremely nauseous. The hit to her temple has me worried, and she has blurred vision. The most important thing you should know is that she is paralyzed on one side of her body. Clarissa cannot speak right now either.”

  “Cannot or will not?” Justin queried.

  “Cannot.” Justin leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling trying to grasp the reality of the situation. Beside him, he could hear the heavy sobs escaping Clarissa’s father.

  “Grams, you should probably know that someone shot at her this afternoon.”

  “What?” Hamilton roared.

  “We thought it best not to tell anyone. Me, Da’, Clare, and the stable hands knew. We felt it best not to worry anyone else.”

  “Someone shot at my little girl, and you thought it best not to tell me?”

  “I am trying to take better care of my future wife than you have your daughter,” Justin snarled, causing Hamilton to pause. “I want to see her,” Justin stated. He sounded much calmer than what he felt.

  “I don’t know if that is such a wise idea,” Grams said.

  “Grams, please, that is my betrothed inside that room.”

  “Her face is a bit drawn down on the left side.”

  “Is the paralysis permanent?”

  “I don’t know. It’s almost as if her body has shut itself down to protect itself.” Both men looked up, guilt etching their faces. “I don’t know that I should let either of you see her. She doesn’t need to be upset for any reason.”

  “There was a misunderstanding this afternoon. She found out something I said to Megan and applied it to herself. I want to tell her that it isn’t true.”

  “I will think about it, but tonight she will have no visitors. She needs her rest.” Both men nodded their agreement and sat back down on the floor. “You won’t do her any good by sitting on the floor.”

  “I’m staying,” her father said, mutinously.

  “I will, too. I might need to get help during the night.”

  “Fine. We’ll call if we need assistance.” Both men nodded and watched the door close.

  “If anything happens to her...” the Clarissa’s father broke off, his voice cracking with emotion.

  “It won’t. She’s a fighter. She has to be, because I can’t imagine a world with her not in it.” When he said those words, Justin realized that his feelings for Clarissa went a lot deeper than merely caring. That was such a lukewarm emotion for what he felt for her. It left him feeling both cold and hot. He lusted after her, for certain. What man wouldn’t? Her beauty shines through even when she is covered in cuts, bruises, or mud. But something bigger stirred Justin when it came to Clarissa. Something he witnessed when he looked at his parents and grandparents. I love her, he thought, stunned. She was his world. The men sat in silence, each sending up their own prayers on behalf of the woman they loved.

  ***

  It was well past midnight before Justin finally talked Hamilton into going to bed.

  “I promise I�
��ll call for you should anything change, one way or the other.”

  “I should be here with her.”

  “You are not going to do her any good if you have a relapse yourself. Go to bed. I’m going to stay with her.”

  “But your grandmother said...”

  “I know. But I have been known to get my way where she is concerned now and then.” In the end, he had helped Clarissa’s father off the floor and saw that he made it to his bedroom, but not before promising one last time to call should there be any change at all. Upon his return, Justin knocked softly on the door before letting himself into her room.

  “I told you not tonight,” his grandmother said, meeting him at the door.

  “I know, but I have to see her. I promise to not say a word. Please Grams, I just want to sit and watch her, if nothing else then to make sure she takes her next breath.”

  “What did you do to that girl?”

  “Something incredibly stupid.”

  “At least you admit that much,” she harrumphed. “You will say nothing cross to her. If she wakens and looks the least bit agitated by your presence, you will remove yourself at once. Do you ken?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Sit down.”

  He did and stared. On the side of her head that had the gash, the blood discolored her hair. They had been afraid to wash it for fear of hurting her more. Her face looked pale and drawn, and as his grandmother had warned him, the left side pulled down a bit. Her left hand curled awkwardly as if it were being drawn into itself. That is the hand that he took in his. He let her fingers wrap around the palm of his hand, and gently, rhythmically stroked them.

  “Grams, how is her head?”

  “I think the gash is just that. There seems to be no bruising except at the cut.”

  “The battleaxe had a little blood on it.”

  “It must have cut her as it fell. She’s lucky that’s all it did.” Justin merely nodded knowing that what she said was true. He had come so close to losing her because of a stupid piece of ancient armor. Could still lose her in more ways than one. Justin sat there throughout the night. He did not leave her side nor relinquish her hand at any point during his sentinel.

  A stream of light penetrating her eyes woke her. She lifted her right hand to cover them, but felt it promptly caught and placed back at her side by a firm, masculine grip.

  “Grams needs to check your eyes,” a dark blurry figure said that sounded suspiciously like Justin. She tried to pull her hand from his, but found herself too weak to succeed.

  “Her eyes are slightly better but still too dilated. We will have to wake her and check again in a few hours.”

  “Clarissa, can you hear me?” Justin asked, a hint of panic in his voice. “She lifted two fingers Grams. What does that mean?”

  His grandmother chuckled, before answering, “No.”

  “Funny girl,” he said, giving her limp hand a squeeze. “Yes is?”

  “One finger.”

  “Grams...”

  “No.”

  “Please. There are some things I need to say to her in private that I would rather you not hear.” Two fingers rapidly shot into the air on Clarissa’s right hand. “Clarissa, please. There was a misunderstanding, and I want to explain myself.” Again two rapid-fire fingers raised. Her eyes began to dart around the room as if looking for assistance.

  She could feel her body tensing in retaliation to his presence. Her cheeks were flushed, and she could feel her heart rate increasing. Her breathing had become short and choppy. Everything began to blur together.

  “Justin, you have to leave.”

  “But I need to tell her...”

  “You’re going to have to wait...”

  “Grams, what’s happening?” The old woman stood with her back to Clarissa, but she quickly saw the horror in her grandson’s eyes. She turned around and began barking commands to Justin. Clarissa was caught in the throes of some kind of seizure. He held her as his grandmother directed and could feel the tenseness of her muscles beneath his hand. She no longer felt like the soft woman he had made love to, but instead she felt as if she could topple a mighty oak.

  As the tremors eased, he held her to him rocking her back and forth. He couldn’t stop the tears that gathered at his eyes. Her father might blame himself, but Justin knew that his careless and angry words to his sister had been the death knell. Now he didn’t know how to ever make amends or win her back.

  ***

  Clarissa felt herself swimming up to consciousness as if through a thick fog. Every muscle in her body felt sore, as if she had tried to lift a house from its foundation. Her back ached where she had fallen, and her stomach hurt from the big thing that had fallen on her. She remained unsure as to what it had been. Her head throbbed, and her mouth felt parched.

  Strong arms were holding her rocking her back and forth. She felt something warm and wet splash on her cheek. She felt frustrated at not being able to see who held her.

  “Clare, I’m so sorry for what I said,” she heard Justin say. His chest rumbled beneath her cheek. Did he know that she was lucid enough to hear what he said, or was this a moment of complete abandon? “I have been angry at Liam for so long for telling me such horrible things about my brother. When I saw him kissing Megan, I lost it. I was angry with Megan for letting Liam take advantage of her, be part of her life when our brother lay dead in a foreign country,” he kissed the top of her head. “I never meant for you to think that what I said to her was meant for you. Hell, I didn’t truly mean it for Meggy. I have been so angry with Liam for so long. I thought he spoke lies of Jonathan, but Meggy finally made me listen to the truth this evening.

  “I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but I will call off our engagement if it will restore your health. I will take full blame for it, so that your reputation will not be harmed. Just please don’t die. I would rather have you in this world without me than not at all.” She felt his lips caress hers then he gently laid her back on the bed.

  She watched as his fuzzy form turned towards the door and opened it. He paused and turn back to look at her before walking into the hall and shutting it. A woman came into her line of vision. She could see the swishing of the skirt around her ankles.

  “What was that all about?” Matilda asked, even though she knew that Clarissa could not answer her. “You gave us a scare, you know,” she continued. “It has been a long while since I’ve seen anyone in the throes of a seizure as you were.” Clarissa felt shock cross her face. “Don’t worry,” Matilda patted her paralyzed hand, “I’ll take care of you.” Clarissa made her fingers give a small squeeze. “Do that again,” Matilda commanded. Clarissa complied. “Well, well, perhaps you’re on the road to recovery.”

  Clarissa closed her eyes, replaying Justin’s words over and over in her mind. Did she want him to call off the engagement? If she were honest with herself, no. She had been hurt by his words and the secret agreement between him and her father. She shouldn’t have taken what he said in regards to a different situation and applied it to herself. But, didn’t people’s true colors come out in fits of rage and passion? Confusion swamped her. She still had her father to deal with.

  Determinedly she pushed all thoughts from her mind. She would first focus on getting well. Then she would deal with everything else, one disaster at a time. She made herself squeeze her hand shut once more. It was weak, even she could tell that, but one small step at a time. She wiggled her toes twice before going to sleep exhausted from everything that had happened to her today.

  ***

  Justin went to his room, and began throwing clothes onto his bed. He pulled out a bag to put them into when his door quietly opened and shut.

  “Leave me alone,” he said, not bothering to look at who stood there, watching him.

  “No.” He was actually a bit surprised when he heard his father’s voice, expecting Meggy instead, almost certain she would be demanding to know how Clarissa faired.

  “Da’
, I don’t want to talk. I’m going back to London. I’m only making her worse.”

  “Son, don’t make me hit you to knock sense into you. It has been a long time since I’ve been in a brawl, and I would not look forward to the bruises I would inevitably have if I took you on.”

  “Then let me leave.”

  “No. Why do you think that girl is in the shape she’s in?”

  “Because I’ve hurt her.”

  “If she didn’t care so much about you, do you think you could have hurt her so badly?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does. Dammit, you aren’t the only one responsible, but you are going to be the only one to turn tail and run,” his father said, trying a different tactic.

  “I’m not running. I want her to get well. She will not get well as long as I’m around.”

  “She will. I don’t claim to know what happened. All I know is that girl loves you, or what happened wouldn’t have hurt her so badly. Do you understand that, or are you too thickheaded to grasp what I’m saying.”

  “You didn’t hold her while she was having that fit. I thought she was going to die in my arms,” his voice choked on the words.

  “Better in your arms than away from you, isn’t it?”

  Justin looked at his father, his face devoid of emotion. “I love her, Da’. I don’t know when it happened or why. But I do know one thing. I cannot bear to watch her die in front of me.”

  “Son, before I met your mother, I fancied myself in love with our neighbor’s daughter. Her name was Holly. She was born in winter, and her mother was a bit eccentric. She was such a sweet girl. Brown hair and laughing brown eyes. Always cared about everyone else. We were out riding one day and a storm came up on us. The thunder spooked her horse and reared, throwing her,” his voice turned husky as he spoke. “She died in my arms. I didn’t even have time to get help. One minute she was there, the next she wasn’t.”

  “Does mother know?”

  “Yes. I threw myself into the life of a true rake after Holly’s death. Swearing off any commitment to women so as not to have to feel that pain again. In fact, I never cried over her, not even as I held her on that field.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Then my father sent me to Edinburgh to meet with an investor, and I saw your mother. She was nothing like Holly. You see, I wanted to be a true rake and have your mother and then walk away.”