To Love and Protect

by Tammy Jo Burns

  Justin looked at his father, not sure whether to be angry with him or understanding. Didn’t he do the same thing to Clarissa? He couldn’t wait to get his hands on her, to make her his.

  “She refused. We had a terrible row. She was leaving a party, not paying attention to where she was going because she was yelling at me. My heart almost stopped when I saw a runaway team bearing down on her. I ran as fast as I could and knocked her out of the way. We laid on the ground for a long while. Oh, we heard the people coming out to see what happened, but we just lay there. Your mother sat up and looked at me, I turned to her and started crying with a group of strangers looking on. I finally cried for Holly, but in the end I found myself crying over the fact that I nearly lost your mother. That was when I realized I had fallen in love somewhere along the way.”

  Justin slumped down on his bed, his head cradled in his hands. He heard his father move towards him, then felt his hand reassuringly on his shoulder. “Don’t give her up without a fight, son. You love this girl. I can tell. Your mother can tell.” Justin raised his face to his father.

  “How do I get her to forgive me? How do we move on from what happened?” he asked huskily.

  “Beg, plead, cry. Do whatever you have to. Just don’t leave her, or she may never forgive you.” He squeezed Justin’s shoulder.

  “Da’, before you go, there is something that you need to know,” Justin began, ready to make amends of the past. Once Justin had finished retelling Meggy’s tale about Jonathan, the two men looked at each other. “Da’, I had no idea, and when Liam told me, I didn’t want to believe. I lost my best friend and my brother.”

  “I feel there is more to this story.”

  “There is, but it isn’t mine to tell.”

  “Rest, son. Remember that Clarissa is in good hands,” and he left his son alone with his thoughts.

  Maureen waited for him in the hall. “Well?” she queried quietly.

  “I don’t think he will leave now.”

  “You told him about Holly didn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “I pray every night for her.”

  “You do?” he asked curiously.

  “Ever since you told me about her. Then, I thank her for giving you to me.”

  “Maureen,” he moaned quietly as he caught her up in his arms and kissed her hungrily.

  “We talked about Jonathan, as well.”

  “He didn’t know about Jonathan’s problem, did he?”

  “That is why he has pushed Liam away. Meggy saw something and turned to Liam.”

  “And you turned Liam away when he asked for Meggy’s hand.”

  “I listened to my son. He says there is more to the story, but it is not his to tell.”

  “I think we are going to be grandparents,” Maureen guessed.

  “No,” Edward bristled, then looked at his wife. When he saw her nod he said, “I’ll kill McTavish.”

  “No, you won’t. If you remember, we anticipated our wedding vows.”

  “We have to get him back here so they can be married.”

  “Yes, but in the meantime, we know nothing until Megan is ready to tell us.”

  “I thought the difficult years of parenting were behind us.”

  “I should go see if Mamma needs any help with Clarissa,” she whispered as she pulled out of his arms.

  Edward nodded his agreement. “But first, I think you should check on me. I’m running a bit of a fever.”

  “You do look a bit flushed,” she replied softly, and they quietly crept to their room, arm-in-arm.

  Chapter 15

  As the days turned into weeks, Clarissa felt the strength return to her, yet she felt different. No longer did she waste her time and energy on trying to please those around her. She focused entirely on herself and getting back to her full strength. The paralysis slowly eased its hold on her body. Her appetite had yet to return after the illness, and she only ate what Matilda forced her to in order to keep up her energy.

  Every hour she walked around her room. The first time Clarissa accomplished this feat, she made it not five feet from the bed before she had to return, winded. Every day she improved until she made a full circuit of the entire floor her bedroom was located on. Then she moved her walks to the gardens. Her legs would twitch and cramp during the night, forcing her to fight back tears as she worked out the cramps. It was those nights that she often wished that things were better between her and Justin, and he could be there to soothe her aching muscles until she returned to sleep, but they were not, and he didn’t.

  In fact, after that first day, she had refused to see anyone except those tending her. However, no one sent her messages either. By not allowing them to visit her, she was taking the first step toward independence. She was slowly cutting herself off from them. It had to be. She had to protect herself from the hurt and pain she had suffered. She had to know that she could survive in this world on her own.

  One afternoon, Megan ran into Clarissa in the hallway as she made one of her hourly passes, an old, sturdy cane that Seamus had given her, aiding her.

  “May we talk?” Megan asked a bit shyly, not at all her usual flamboyant self.

  “What about?” Clarissa asked, her voice a bit cool, detaching herself from those around her.

  “I feel responsible for your attack. I didn’t mean to get you involved in the middle of a family squabble.”

  “Think nothing of it,” Clarissa brushed off her concern.

  “But, I feel like…”

  “Megan, I said it is fine. I really don’t want to discuss it.” And with that statement, Clarissa turned and walked back to her room. Once she returned, she shut the door, leaning heavily against it. “What I wouldn’t give to have Aunt Gertie to talk to right now,” she muttered under her breath. The seed that she planted within her own mind began to grow. She began to wonder why she couldn’t travel back to London. Her steps carried her back and forth over the hand-woven rug spread out on her floor.

  She knew it was foolish, but she needed to be home in familiar surroundings. If she were able to get her hands on some stable lads clothes, bind her breasts and dirty her face, she could more than likely pass for a boy, at least enough to get her back to London. She could take a horse until she could find passage on a mail coach or rent a coach. She walked over to the dressing table and studied her reflection closely. Clarissa drummed her fingers on the top of the table. If she didn’t have all that hair, it just might work. Hair that Justin had stopped her from cutting off what seemed like ages ago.

  They were not married, and she would not give him the satisfaction of thinking he could control her so easily. In fact, she didn’t know if they would ever marry now. She rang for a maid and for once requested a large meal asking for raw fruits and vegetables, cheeses and breads. She took a pillowcase from her bed and rolled it in the soot of the fireplace to make it look old and dingy. Then she sat at her escritoire and began to compose a letter, not wanting anyone to worry excessively.

  When the maid brought her food, she asked her to tell everyone that she had had an exhausting day and was not to be disturbed. After locking the door, Clarissa walked purposely to the low table that housed all of Matilda’s tools that she had been using to care for her. On the table lay a shiny pair of extremely sharp scissors. Clarissa carefully picked them up and walked to the dressing table, then sat down. Not wanting to cut her hair too short, she carefully began to snip her tresses. The curls framed her face attractively.

  “Who knows, mayhap I’ll start a new fashion,” she mumbled to her reflection. She looked around her at all the golden locks that lay on the floor and tears came to her eyes. Rapidly she blinked them back and glared at herself in the mirror. “Don’t be a ninny. You have made a decision, and it is about time you did something for yourself, by yourself.” Resolved, once more she stood and packed all the food into a pillowcase.

  Finding herself once more at Matilda’s table, she picked up a small, glass container full of
foul smelling, clear salve. She took it and rubbed it through her hair and then pulled her straightened hair into a queue. Clarissa heard the dinner bell ring and knew the family would be going to the evening meal. The stable hands would be in the kitchen eating with the rest of the staff. Now was her opportunity.

  Clarissa gathered up the pillowcase and left her room. She reached the top of the servant’s stairs without incident. She had just begun to descend the stairs when she heard the pounding of footsteps.

  “Justin, leave her be,” she heard Matilda say. Clarissa continued down the staircase, still able to hear the conversation between Southerby and his grandmother.

  “Grams, I cannot do this anymore. I have given her all the space I can. She will not talk to me. She will not talk to Megan. She will not talk to her father. Her anger for me is being taken out on everyone. I don’t care if she yells and screams at me, but dammit she will talk to me.”

  Those words helped Clarissa find a physical strength she didn’t know she had. She flew down the stairs with an agility that surpassed her slow and steady movements of the previous days. She slipped out the servant’s entrance just as she heard Justin yell her name. Behind her there was commotion spilling from the house into the twilight sky. Clarissa made it to the stable and climbed into the loft before Justin gained his entrance.

  Clarissa peered over the edge and watched as Justin angrily approached one of the horses. Sensing his anger, the horse backed away from him, neighing worriedly. Justin brought the horse from his paddock, not bothering to attempt to soothe him. She watched as he bent to retrieve a saddle before another person’s entrance garnered her attention.

  “Son, you can’t go,” Justin’s father said.

  “I can, and I will.”

  “Don’t go in anger. That is what started all this mess in the first place. We haven’t even finished searching the house.”

  “Believe me, you won’t find her in that house. Perhaps if I beat her until she can’t sit down she will learn not to traipse off on her own. Lord knows, one spanking didn’t make it clear enough.”

  “You didn’t!”

  “I did, fat lot of good it did me. She still doesn’t know how to stay in one place.”

  Clarissa felt herself scowling at the younger man.

  “Justin,” his father said reprovingly.

  “I’m going. Gramps has predicted a fierce storm. She has no idea what she is getting herself into.”

  “We’ll send out a search party.”

  “Do that in the morning, if you must, but I’m going now.”

  In the morning, Clarissa fumed silently. Did he think so little of her that he would wait until morning to send out people to search for her? You do not want to be found, she chided herself. Justin finished saddling his horse and was about to mount when his father halted his progress.

  “At least take these extra blankets and food. And send word on your progress.”

  “Aye.” She watched the men briefly hug and Justin whispered something to his father. The man nodded his agreement before pulling back. He watched Justin mount and ride out of the stable before returning to the house.

  Clarissa waited until she was certain that everyone had gone before she made her way down the ladder. She found pants and a shirt and quickly changed. She reached inside the fireplace and rubbed soot all over her exposed skin and in her oiled hair, darkening it. There was a quiet, little mare in the back of the stable that she had ridden before her illness. She saddled her as quickly as possible and stuffed her food-laden pillowcase in a saddlebag and a blanket in the other. Then curling her nose, she used her old clothes and rubbed them in some manure-covered straw and then rubbed it on herself. If she were assaulted, hopefully the smell would turn away her would-be attackers. She pulled a heavy coat off a peg in the back, mounted her horse, and left.

  ***

  Clarissa rode hard the first hour, once she had gotten far enough away from the house that no one would hear the clopping of the horses’ hooves. Since then, they had slowed to a walk since she knew that Justin was ahead of her, probably several villages by now, and that a search party would not be sent out until at least tomorrow. If ever, she thought cynically.

  He probably only went after her because she had bested him in getting away. She wanted to scream out her frustration at him, but instead let out a low, almost inaudible growl. Clarissa looked down and noticed her horse’s head began to droop. She looked up at the night sky and saw that the full moon was already past its zenith. It must be late indeed. All of a sudden she struggled to suppress a yawn.

  She shook her head to wake up and nudged the horse into a canter. They were passing a dark copse of trees when she thought she heard a rustle from deep within. Her breath hitched slightly until she saw a rabbit hop out from the underbrush.

  “You gave me a fright,” she told the furry little creature that twitched its nose looking around dazed, as if it had just been awakened. She was so absorbed with the expression on the face of the rabbit that she did not see the dark figure that stepped out from the trees. The person grabbed her horse’s bridle and jerked the reins from her hands. She frantically grabbed at the pummel trying to keep her seat.

  She saw him reach up to her as if in slow motion. Knowing that her life depended on her actions, Clarissa kicked free of the stirrup and kicked the man in the chest. He bent over to catch his breath and she slid off the other side, running into the trees on the other side of the road. They were less dense, but hopefully they would provide enough shelter for her to hide.

  Clarissa had only taken a few steps when she heard the crunching of dead leaves and snapping of twigs behind her with every step the man took. Already drained of energy, Clarissa continued to run on her fast depleting stock of adrenaline. Her left leg dragged behind her slightly, causing her gait to be awkward. She tripped on the trunk of a small tree that had fallen and went flying, landing on her belly.

  Steely hands grabbed her upper arms and rolled her over. Clarissa kicked and screamed, trying to scratch at the man when he let go of one arm to silence her by covering her mouth.

  “Shut up,” the man growled. In response, she bit down on his hand, hard. He followed with an oath she had never in her life heard before. “Damn you, Clare, would you stop before you do permanent injury to one of us?”

  Her fighting slowed as she realized the voice sounded very familiar, and that he knew her name. “Justin?”

  “Thank, goodness,” he sat back on his heels, rubbing his palm against his thigh.

  “Do you mind letting go of me?” she asked, her tone cold and impersonal.

  “I don’t think so. Damn, but you stink,” he said as a breeze picked up.

  “Let me go and I’ll leave so you no longer have to smell me.”

  “No. I don’t care at this point if you smell like rotting food. You are not leaving my sight.” He stood and hauled her to her feet beside him. “What if I had been the person that shot at you that day?”

  “Where do you think you’re taking me?” she demanded to know, avoiding his question. He pulled her struggling form back towards the road. “I will not return to your parents’ house.”

  “I wouldn’t take you back there.”

  “Oh. Where are we going?”

  “London.”

  “Oh.”

  “You sound disappointed. Isn’t that where you wanted to go?”

  “Yes,” she raised her chin a notch, the moonlight making her hair sparkle.

  “You know, you merely had to ask me. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.” She remained silent and attempted once more to free her arm from his grip. “I already told you, you are not leaving my sight.”

  “I will not run.”

  “How can I trust you? You never stay where you have been directed. I believe this is the second time you have run off on your own.” Not waiting for a response, he put her on his horse before tying the mare to his. Then he climbed up behind her. “Did you roll around in horse sh
it?” he asked before nudging the horses into a canter. She refused to answer, but then he did not expect one.

  ***

  Hours later, Clarissa’s body ached from the continuous bouncing of the horse’s gait. Her head had begun to throb ages ago and now felt like a tiny demon had taken up hammering inside her brain. Clarissa’s stomach roiled with the pounding in her head. Instead of complaining, she just firmed her lips and tried to make her mind go blank.

  Justin could feel Clarissa’s body stiffening against his. Anger still pounded through him at her asinine move. What in the hell had she thought she was doing? Did she really hate him that much? He had hoped he could convince her to love him, but now he didn’t know if there was any hope of that, and he refused to lock her into a marriage where she would grow to hate him even more than she already did.

  He pulled off the road and onto a winding path. Clarissa shivered in his arms as the temperature began to drop. He could feel the goose flesh rise on her arms, yet she did not complain. Justin wanted to comfort her, but knew she would only reject his efforts, so he just continued the grueling pace. He watched as the hunting lodge’s silhouette could be seen as they rounded a bend. It was not grand like the lodges in England, but it was comfortable and would protect them from the storm that he could feel moving in.

  “Where are we?” she questioned him suspiciously.

  “My family’s hunting lodge.”

  “I don’t think this is such a good idea,” she said worriedly, shivering.

  Justin pulled the horse to a stop and got down before dragging her down after him.

  “I don’t really care what you think at this moment. If you had thought before you left the house, neither one of us would be out here. A storm is fast approaching, and by morning, snow will be covering the ground. I will hear no more of what you think, do you understand?” He ignored the mutinous look he gave her.