To Love and Protect

by Tammy Jo Burns

  Would Clarissa understand how much his service to the country meant to him? She moved among the ton and proved herself a wonderful hostess, but would she be able to move with the same ease among those military men and families he often worked with? It would be almost a year before he would find out. She would not be among society again until the baby was old enough to leave with a nurse.

  The baby. He was going to be a father and responsible for a life that would not be able to care for itself. What kind of danger would the child of a government agent be in? Is that why most agents were men who were single? No family could be held over their heads by their enemies. His chest felt as if a band were constricting around it. Just the idea of anyone coming to harm because of his position terrified him. What if an enemy kidnapped Clare or the baby or both?

  “Justin, are you all right?” He heard her voice from what seemed to be a far ways off. The sound of sloshing water barely registered in his mind. He would not put them in danger. He would send them to Scotland just as soon as possible. Once he saw Lorraine and Franklin captured. Perhaps he should send her back across the border now. No need for her to be involved in this mess with her stepmother. Grams could watch over her. But he wanted her with him, beside him, loving him.

  Beads of sweat broke out on his brow and upper lip. He had already seen some of the horrors of what could become of people who dallied on the wrong side of the government. There was no partiality held for women rather than men. All were treated the same. When someone got in the way, they were eradicated. His stomach churned violently.

  “Justin, look at me,” Clarissa laid a soft, wet hand on his. “What is it?”

  He couldn’t answer. He could only look at her and see horrible flashes of what the future could be. Images raced through his mind of the terrors he had seen and heard about from other agents. His imagination placing Clare’s face on the bodies he saw in his mind. Justin’s stomach churned sickeningly, and he pushed Clarissa out of the way and ran to the chamber pot.

  Clare looked dumbfounded, a towel wrapped around her, pushed unceremoniously onto her bottom as her husband rushed to lose the contents of his stomach. She got to her feet and found a clean cloth and wet it in the cold water from the pitcher on the washstand. After ringing it out she walked over to where Justin still heaved and placed the cloth on his neck.

  He finally leaned back, took the cloth from his neck and wiped his sweating face. They just sat there and looked at one another for a long while, as if they were sizing each other up. She knew he had hated showing such weakness in front of her. He didn’t look sick. He looked worried, scared. A haunted expression had taken up residence in his eyes, and he held his mouth in a firmness she had never seen before.

  “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” He started to rise, but she put her hand on his arm to stop him. “Look, I will be the first to say that this marriage did not start out as I had hoped. I also remember you saying that this would be a true marriage in every way. Well, so far that has been a lie. The only time we speak is when we are in bed...” she broke off, still uncomfortable saying some things around him.

  “Making love,” he prompted.

  “Finding pleasure in one another,” she argued. “What we have done has not been the joining of two hearts, two souls, but rather two people slaking their lust for one another. But if this is to be a true marriage, we have to talk. I can’t take the stress anymore. It’s not good for me. I think that is one reason I collapsed. Between you, my father, and Megan’s problems, I buckled in on myself, shutting everything and everyone out.”

  “And it can’t be good for the bairn,” he added.

  “If there is one.”

  “You said,” he began accusingly before she cut him off.

  “I said my courses had been extremely light. I suggested we wait. You are the one who insisted we take action now. I still do not know. There could be a child, but there could not be,” she walked away from him. “I cannot believe I am talking about my courses to a man,” she muttered to herself.

  “Now this mess is my fault?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That remark you made about waiting,” he pushed up from the floor and began to pace the room. “Do you already know if there is not going to be a babe?”

  “No, Justin, I do not,” she said slowly through her gritted teeth. “I told you, my courses were light. It could mean many things.”

  “Like?”

  “Stress, you bloody idiot,” she retorted, frustration entering her voice.

  “Bloody, bloody hell.” he muttered to himself. “Were you even worried there truly might be a babe, or did you just manipulate me? Are you really a harlot after all, Clare?”

  Before she knew what happened, her hand arced through the air and landed a stinging blow on his cheek. “I told you to wait. I pleaded with Gertie not to ask for your help. Now look at us. Two people that despise each other and are trapped in a loveless marriage.”

  “Typical of the ton, wouldn’t you say?”

  “I can say this, there is going to be a change to our marriage. You will not lay one hand on me, do you understand?”

  “I would never hit you,” he said, purposefully misinterpreting her words and rubbing his red cheek.

  “You will not come to my bed again. Do you understand? I don’t want you anywhere near me.”

  “I will give you a reprieve for the time being, because I imagine you are both tired and sore from our lengthy ride…”

  “How did you find it in your heart to be so generous?”

  “But,” he said loudly, anger punctuating the single syllable, “once we are back in London, we will have a true marriage.”

  “Fine. You want a true marriage? How about we talk for a change.”

  “Talk? About what?”

  “I want to know about you. About what you do at the Foreign Office. Your ambitions.”

  “I work for the government in an official capacity. That is all that you need to know.”

  “Why were you sick earlier? You looked haunted. Are you ill?”

  “Nothing for you to worry about.”

  She waited for him to finish. He brushed the cloth over his face once more and ruffled his hair. He left the room carrying the chamber pot. She refused to beg him to talk.

  Clarissa stood and moved in front of the fire and began drying off. Prepared to put on her old clothes, she almost jumped when she heard Justin speak.

  “Those packages are fresh clothes for you.”

  Clarissa looked at the scattered packages on the floor. There were a half dozen. She walked over, the bath sheet wrapped around her and knelt on the floor opening them one at a time. There were two dresses and a heavy, warm cloak. Undergarments were in one package and a pair of sturdy shoes in the other. The last package revealed a nightgown. She was so grateful that he thought of it that she almost cried.

  “Thank you for the clothes.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  After she donned the nightgown, she crawled up on the bed and sat cross-legged. Her bare toes peeking out from under her legs. Justin now watched her warily. Why had she ever thought that all there was to Justin was his light-hearted banter and teasing manner? It had only covered up his more serious nature. She watched him thoughtfully, not sure what to do. She didn’t want to push him away, so she decided just to wait.

  Clarissa watched as he reached into a pocket. He brought out something in his cupped hand.

  “I have this for you as well. I’ve been carrying it around, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to give it to you at the ceremony.” He tossed the little box across the room to land on the bed near her lap. She opened the box and a dark gray gem with amber flecks in it sparkled up at her from a ring. Small diamonds encircled the stone.

  “It’s beautiful. What kind of stone is it?”

  “It’s a cairngorm crystal. There is a mountain range in the Eastern Highlands that it is named after and mined from. I t
hought of your eyes when I saw it.”

  “When? I mean, I don’t remember passing a jeweler’s.”

  “I’ve had it since before you fell ill.”

  “Justin,” she sighed, shaking her head sadly. Just then a knock sounded on the door. A maid came in laden with a tray of food and drink. Justin moved a table next to the bed and the girl lay the tray down on it. He thanked her and closed and locked the door behind her. After dragging a chair over, he sat, and they ate in silence.

  “Are you going to talk to me?” Clarissa finally asked unable to stand it anymore.

  “I’m in a dangerous line of work.”

  “You help to keep your country and those that live in it safe.”

  “By doing that, I make enemies. Powerful enemies.”

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “What happens if I make an enemy that decides the way to get to me is through my family? Your life could be in danger. Our child’s life as well.”

  “You forget, my life has been in danger ever since that woman entered my father’s life. What is the difference at this point?”

  “The difference is this. I deal with political assassins. People who will take out anyone and everyone that gets in the way of what they believe. Dealing with a money grubbing woman is like dealing with a mouse compared to a rabid wolf. Besides that, if anything did happen to you or a child, it would be my fault and I couldn’t live with myself knowing that ultimately, I was responsible.”

  “I see.”

  “Do you?”

  “I’m not a simpering miss that does not understand the ramifications of what is going on in our country. My father is a duke. Do you think I truly do not hear the talk that goes on around me, especially when Parliament is in session? Do you think I don’t speculate on the intrigue that persists just within our own government, let alone now that Napoleon is stirring the waters? Or do you think like so many others, I am just a silly woman with nothing between my ears?”

  “Then you understand why I cannot put you in that situation,” he rebuked, ignoring her sarcastic comment. “I cannot risk my family’s life like that.”

  “What is your answer then? Are you going to wrap me in swaddling clothes and hide me away somewhere so that no one will ever be able to find me?”

  “I plan to send you back to Scotland and my parents where I know you will be safe.”

  Anger suffused her. She couldn’t help it. He would stay in London and ship her off to another country all in the name of protecting her. How dare he! She ended up saying the first thing that came to her mind, “You know I could die regardless of where you send me.”

  His face turned a sickening pallor, “What do you mean?”

  “I have already fallen ill once with a mysterious ailment that even your grandmother had never witnessed before. What if it happens again, only when it strikes, it is far worse? What happens if no one is around to save me from a loose boulder? What if there is a babe? Am I prone to be like my mother and die in childbirth? What if Lorraine and Franklin do find us? What if you aren’t around to protect me like you think you always have to? I could die anywhere, anytime.” She could hear her voice waver on those words. She watched Justin clench his fists.

  “None of that will happen.” She could hear the determination that laced his voice.

  “How do you know? We didn’t think mother would die either. She was young and in good health.”

  “That is another reason I want to send you to Scotland. Grams is the best midwife there is.”

  “You do not understand. Mother had the best midwife money could buy. When they had to call the surgeon, she had the best then, too. But you know what happened? She still died, and so did my brother. You can only prevent so much before destiny steps in.”

  “That was why you were crying the other night, wasn’t it? You were thinking about your mother. I heard you cry out.”

  “I cried about several things last night, and I thought you were asleep.”

  “I had been. You’re scared, aren’t you?”

  “I don’t want to die, Justin. But I don’t want to be in another country, away from you, on the off chance that something might happen to me. We can’t make a marriage work from two different countries. I would rather have you by my side in whatever moments we have than be separated from you.”

  “We’ll still see each other.”

  “When? Between your assignments? Do you truly think your director will let you hie off to see me whenever you want?”

  “We will find away.”

  “You’re kidding yourself, and I’m too tired to argue with you. If this is what you want, fine. But know this, I’m not going to waste my energy trying to make a marriage work to someone who won’t even be around. And I will help capture Lorraine and Franklin regardless of your dictates. If you are not going to be around to try to be a husband, then I should be able to do what I want. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to bed and please do not bother me tonight or any other night.”

  “Is that what I have been doing? Bothering you?”

  “Do not twist my words. Until you decide to face our marriage like an adult, and realize that there is more to it than sex and dictates from you as to where I will spend the future, this is a marriage in name only.”

  “I can make you change your mind.”

  “No, you can’t. If you try, I will hate you for it until I draw my last breath. Do you understand?” Not waiting for a response, she crawled to the far side of the bed and burrowed under the covers. Silent, angry tears fell from her lashes. She heard a low oath followed by the slamming door. So much for this bed bringing a long and happy marriage to all newlyweds, she thought bitterly, as she watched the firelight and shadows dance on the wall and lull her to sleep.

  ***

  Don’t bother me. The words echoed through Justin’s mind as he escaped the room, then the inn. The frigid air hit him in the face making him shiver. Did she find his lovemaking a nuisance? His neck and shoulders ached from the tension that had crept into his body. She would not get involved looking for Lorraine and Franklin. He forbade it, and if he had to buy locks and chains and imprison her within their house, then dammit, that is what he would do.

  Justin walked the length of the village, when he found an alehouse filled with raucous laughter. This place did not even have a wench to serve the men. It was a place where only men could be seen and heard. Refreshing from what he had just left. He paid the barkeep a substantial amount of money to see that his glass never fell empty and then moved to a corner of the room.

  The ale did not help to relieve his anger and frustration. It only kept it simmering just below the surface. When the barkeep finally made his way over to refill his mug, he practically growled at the man.

  “Don’t leave it so long next time.”

  “Yes, sir,” the man replied bringing him a pitcher so that he could keep himself replenished.

  When had his life spun so out of control? Yes, he had been looking for a wife, but not overly hard. He enjoyed working to keep their country safe. Now he would have to rethink his future. He did not want Clarissa to come to harm.

  Someday, though, there would be children. Their marriage would not be one in name only forever, and when that happened there would inevitably be children. Her mother had died in childbirth. The thought kept playing in his mind like a bad nightmare. His ale sloshed over the top of his mug as his hand shook. Justin plopped it back on the table and ran his hands over his face and around the back of his neck. When had he found that Clarissa meant so much to him that just the thought of her no longer in his life scared the hell out of him?

  Raucous laughter came from the bar area and Justin shot the group of men a withering glare before continuing with his drink and thoughts. What had happened to Clarissa lately? No longer was she the meek and mild woman that he had met during the Little Season. Now she was most unruly. She spoke her mind and did not back down from her beliefs. How would she deal with society now
that this change had overcome her? Would she still be able to play the games that society often played? Not that he cared, but it could prove to be difficult with the position he held. Often times he had to investigate members of society, and being one of them made it very easy to infiltrate their ranks.

  “Did you see that pretty little filly that came into town today?” Justin vaguely heard the man ask the others.

  “Which one?”

  “There was only one, ye bloody fool. Her hair was short but looked like spun gold. Reminded me of a harlot I once knew.” Justin’s body perked up when he realized they were insulting his wife.

  “Do ya think she’s just as good as the harlot?”

  “I ‘magine I could have her screamin’ me name before the night was over,” the man snickered. A red haze covered Justin’s vision. He stood, pushing his chair back with a loud scrape that drew the men’s attention.

  “That’s my wife you’re talking about.”

  “Well, there ye go, Ed. Ask him if she’s as good as she looks.” The man turned and took a big chug of ale.

  “You miserable bastard,” Justin swore. He moved stealthily across the room and watched as the other men grabbed their mugs and moved to the perimeter of the room. Justin grabbed the man by the shoulder and swung him back around, knocking his mug from his hand to crash on the floor in the process. “I said,” he pronounced slowly, “that is my wife you’re talking about.”

  “There’s your answer, Ed. If she were any good, he wouldn’t be here and in such a sour mood,” the man threw his head back laughing.

  Justin lost what little control he had at that moment. He reared back and brought his fist to the man’s jaw. A cracking sound filled the air followed by the man spitting out a few of his barely there teeth. He stomped on Justin’s foot and then kicked him in the knee. Justin cried out in agony at the pain that lanced through it.

  The two men began exchanging blows. The men standing around the perimeter were cheering and placing bets on who would win the match. The barkeep kept a tally of who broke what. Both men were losing their energy, when the villager got Justin in a stranglehold from behind. Knowing he had to get out of it or die of suffocation, he used some of the moves they had been taught from the Orient. Before anyone knew it, the villager lay in the middle of the floor, unconscious.