Sunflowers

by Melodie Starkey

  He put the camera down, closing his eyes. Even after all these years, it was too easy to remember. How she felt. How she smelled. How she tasted… No. Think of the bad parts. He had to remember the important stuff—the bad stuff. Remember the weeks Sam spent in the hospital in a body cast to help his leg mend. Remember the screaming and stomping tantrums. The throwing things (his computer!) Remember cradling her in his arms in front of the fireplace in winter; how perfectly they molded together. No. Wrong.

  He opened his eyes. The bedroom had gotten mysteriously quiet. He got up to investigate. She was sitting in the rocking chair, Sam swaddled in his blankie and curled on her lap with his eyes closed as she rested her face on his damp hair and rocked slowly, humming and pausing to kiss him. Gus quickly backed into the hallway, then sat down and pressed the butts of his hands against his eyelids. What should he do?

  Frodo nudged Gus’s head with his own, then lay down with a groan. Finally, not wanting her—or Sam for that matter—to see him like this, he got up and headed for his bathroom. After a fast shower, he donned clean jeans and a t-shirt, then checked them again. They hadn’t moved. He backtracked to the living room and fetched her camera, then took their picture. They both looked up at the flash, and he took another as they smiled. Then he asked, “You guys hungry?”

  “Noodles!” Sam answered.

  She grinned and shrugged. “Sure. What’s noodles?”

  “He means ramen. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. I have eggs. Vegetables. Soy sauce.”

  She giggled. “Gone gourmet, huh? Sounds fine. Do we need to help?”

  “One of you needs to put on dry clothes.”

  Sam slid off her lap to obey, revealing how wet her dress was. Gus tried not to look at her, commenting, “You need something dry, too? Help yourself. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  He busied himself with stir-frying celery, water chestnuts, bean sprouts, and mushrooms, and dicing chives and eggs while waiting for the pot of water to start boiling for the noodles. As he turned to set the table, Maureen entered, wearing one of his tee shirts and a pair of gym shorts. “This is a really nice house. You have a cleaning lady, I assume?”

  “No. I just don’t have anyone bitching about it all the time.”

  “So if I had ignored it, it would have gone away?”

  He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I know I was a crappy boyfriend.”

  She nodded. “And I was a harpy. Bad combination. But what a beautiful little boy we made, huh?”

  He turned away. “What do you want to drink? Help yourself.” He gestured in the direction of the fridge.

  Sam galloped in wearing a Batman costume and informed her, “I need grape juice. I need a straw. I’m gonna eat my noodles with sticks. Can you do that?”

  “I sure can. You have extra ones?”

  “Yep. Me an’ Jordy like eatin’ everything with sticks. Works good for hotdogs. But not for the buns. Once I ate pudding with sticks. Gramma says sticks are tederus. She says that’s why me an’ Daddy are too skinny.”

  Maureen grinned and looked at Gus. “I thought you told me you were an orphan.”

  “May have been wishful thinking. You’d love her. She has an opinion to offer about everything.”

  Maureen said to Sam, “Did you know that once upon a time, a very, very, very long time ago, your dad used to be nice to me?”

  Sam tilted his head curiously. “How come you leaved?”

  “Let’s eat,” Gus interrupted.

  “‘Cause he drinks out of the milk bottle?” Sam offered.

  This made her laugh. “Do you still do that?”

  “Yes. And there’s still nothing wrong with it. Sit.”

  Once they were all seated, she said, “This looks wonderful.”

  “I like the eggs the most. I don’t like them green things,” Sam pointed to the chives.

  “Really? I love those.” She scooped some into her bowl of steaming noodles. “What’s your favorite thing to eat?”

  “Mayonnaise.”

  This gave her pause. “Really?”

  “Yep. Love it. I love dippin’ my fish sticks in it. Or French fries.”

  “Not ketchup?”

  “That’s for hamburgers. And mustard for hotdogs.”

  “He’s a condiments purist,” Gus commented.

  “I guess! How about chicken strips?”

  “Choc‘late milkshake.”

  “You dip them in a milkshake?”

  “‘Course. You should try it. Daddy does it, too. I like shrimps dipped in milkshake, too, but Red Lobster ain’t got milkshakes, so I gotta use the sauce. It’s almost mayonnaise.”

  “Tartar sauce?”

  “He’s referring to ranch dressing.”

  “Is Grandma aware of these habits?”

  “Grandma doesn’t believe children should eat seafood at all. Or oriental food. Or in public. She’s a big meat and potatoes and overcooked salty vegetables type.”

  “What’s your favorite?” Sam asked.

  “Mm. Well, I really like strawberries. But I think my absolute favorite is artichokes.”

  “Yes! I love dippin’ ‘em in mayonnaise, too!”

  She shook her head. “No, butter is the perfect artichoke dip.”

  “That’s what Daddy does, too. Do you like broc’li?”

  “Love it.”

  “Me, too. And tree brains with cheese.”

  “Tree brains?”

  “Cauliflower,” Gus explained.

  “Ah. Now I’m going to think that every time I see it.”

  “Watch!” Sam lifted several dripping noodles far over his head, then opened his mouth with his head tipped back and dropped them in, catching them all.

  “Marvelous!”

  “Stop playing and eat,” Gus grumbled.

  Sam laid down his chopsticks and asked gently, “What’s a matter, Daddy?”

  Maureen stopped eating as well. “I should go.”

  “No!” Sam exclaimed.

  Gus shook his head. “Stay. I’m sorry. Everybody eat now.” He took a bite himself, then asked her, “So where do you work these days?”

  “Still at the bank. But I went back to school; got my MBA. I’m an executive now instead of a grunt.”

  “Mm. Tim work there, too?”

  “Tim’s an attorney. How about you? Still playing games?”

  “Yes. And still making tons of money doing it. Plus it lets me stay home. Good for raising a baby.”

  “I ain’t a baby.”

  “Of course not. But you were.”

  “I don’t remember.”

  “That’s okay. I do,” Gus answered with a sideways glance at Maureen, who kept her head ducked, concentrating on her food.

  “Mommy, can we have a brother?”

  She choked, dropping her chopsticks and covering her mouth with her napkin. At first Gus smiled, but when she kept coughing, her face turning red and her eyes watering, he stood up to put his hand on her back. “You okay?”

  She nodded, still coughing.

  “Drink, maybe,” he suggested.

  “I think you gotta squeeze her guts,” Sam offered.

  Now she laughed between coughs, finally sipping her ice tea a few times and getting it under control. Just when she set her glass down, Sam added, “A sister’s okay. If she don’t stink.”

  Gus rounded the table and lifted the boy up, then sat down with him on his lap. “Sam, Mommy and I aren’t together anymore. She has a new life now with Tim, and I have a new life without her. That’s just how it is. Okay?”

  “Don’t you love me?”

  “Of course I…we love you. But that’s got nothing to do with how we feel about each other. Maureen, I could use some help here.”

  She reached over and took Sam’s hands in her own. “Honey, you are the best thing that will ever happen to Daddy and me. But we didn’t know you were on the way when we broke up.” She shrugged. “Maybe we would’ve tried… But he’s right. We’ve both got whole di
fferent lives now. I’m sorry we can’t be a family. But it doesn’t mean we don’t love you, okay?”

  Sam nodded and slipped off Gus’s lap, rushing from the room. Frodo followed. Maureen started to stand, but Gus said, “He needs to be alone now.”

  “Gus, I know you’re never going to forgive me for what I did, but you have to believe me that I’d change all of it if I could. I’m so sorry. And I’ve never stopped regretting it from the moment it happened. I was just so… My whole life was just so out of control then.”

  “And everything’s coming up roses now.”

  “No. It’s not like that. But I’ve being seeing a doctor. Been taking medication. I don’t do that anymore.”

  “Do what?”

  “Cycle like that, you know? Snap. I’ve been ‘stabilized’.” She chuckled. “Feels more like neutralized. Remember that old Pink Floyd song ‘Comfortably Numb’? That’s how it feels.”

  He was frowning. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Bipolar. You couldn’t tell?”

  “I thought you were just a bitch.”

  She laughed. “Thanks!” Then she sobered. “Gus, I need to see him. Please?”

  “Why?”

  “He’s my child!”

  “He’s been your child for almost six years now. Why haven’t you needed to see him before?”

  “I have never stopped thinking about him. But I knew how bad I’d messed up. And I never imagined he’d be so… I never imagined him as anything but a baby. You’ve done such a great job…” She looked at her lap. “Thank you for not telling him.”

  He closed his eyes and sighed. “I need time. This is hard for me. I know he needs you, but… Give me some time.”

  She nodded and dabbed her eyes with her napkin. “Thank you. Thanks for today—for this.”

  “Mm. Give me your phone number. I’ll give you ours. Call first next time, please?”

  She nodded eagerly. After exchanging numbers, she asked, “Can I say goodbye?”

  “All right. They’re probably in my room.” He led her down the hall. Sure enough, the boy and the big dog were lying together on his bed.

  She crossed over and touched his hair. “Hey, Sammy. I’m taking off now. But I’ll come see you again pretty soon, okay?”

  He nodded, keeping his face against Frodo’s chest.

  “Thanks for having me to lunch and showing me your room. That was fun.”

  He nodded again.

  “Okay. I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

  He raised one hand and waved it. She took the hand and kissed it, then hurried out. Gus followed her to the door, handing over her camera and car keys. “Can you send me the pictures? Do you still remember my email?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do.” She touched his chest and sighed. “I remember a lot. Regret a lot. Talk to you later.” She headed to her car, pausing to wave to the teenagers who were still hanging around down the street.

  Gus shut the door and leaned on it for a moment, then pushed off and returned to the bedroom. Without speaking, he stretched out next to the boy and pulled him into his arms.

  After awhile Sam mumbled, “Daddy?”

  He loosened his hold a little. “Yeah?”

  “Before I was a baby, did you used to love Mommy?”

  “I did. Yes. And she loved me. But we were just too different. We had too different of ideas on how things should be, and we were both too stubborn to compromise.”

  “Are you sorry ‘bout that?”

  “I am. But that doesn’t matter now. Being sorry about it isn’t going to change things. I don’t want you getting your hopes up. Okay? Your mom is happy with her new life, even though she’s very sorry about you.”

  Sam played with Gus’s fingers for awhile the way he had done as a baby—he half expected him to cram them in his mouth—then suddenly said, “I don’t want a new daddy.”

  “That’s good. Because you’re stuck with this old one.”

  “Tim don’t gotta be my new dad?”

  “When they get married, Tim will be your step-dad. I still get top rank. That’s forever, okay?”

  He didn’t answer, nestling his face into Gus’s armpit.

  “Sam?”

  “I think we needa take a nap now. Can you sing the boa constrictor song?”

  “Hardly nap music.”

  “But it makes me happy.”

  “Okay. Lie back.” He kissed his hair, then started singing, “’I’m being swallowed by a boa constrictor…’”

  Chapter 27

  Gus had just sat back down at his computer after checking on Sam and getting a cold beer when there was a light knock at the door. Before he could get to it to answer, it opened part way, and Frank stuck his head in. “Bad time?”

  “No. Please. Come in. Beer?”

  “You know that’s really the only reason I come visit you.”

  Gus grinned and led him to the kitchen. “What’s up?”

  “My question. I hear the missing mother showed up today.”

  “Man, I can’t get away with anything around here, can I?”

  “It’s because we care about you.”

  He smiled and nodded. “I know. And it’s nice. So, as long as you know, tell me what I should do.”

  “Do?”

  “She wants to spend time with him. He’s thrilled.”

  “There’s a problem with that? Where’s she been?”

  Gus sighed. “Multiple problems. First, I worry that he’s going to think he can get us back together. Which is not even a vague possibility. She has a significant other, who seems much better suited to her. North Shore type, you know? I mean, she says to me, ‘Nice house. You have a maid?’ I’m always going to be a lazy slob to her. Reminds me of my mother. ‘Cept better looking.”

  Frank chuckled, shaking his head. “I got the report on the car. Saw the pictures Sam used to carry around. I could see feeling really out-leagued there myself. But that’s not a fair reason to keep Sam from her.”

  “I know. And he was so happy… Look, promise you’re going to keep this to yourself?”

  “Promise.”

  “When Sam was a baby… The reason I ended up with full custody was that she went to jail. That’s why we haven’t seen her. She would never have gotten up the nerve to come looking. We just ran into them by accident at the mall a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Jail? Something seedy, or parking tickets?”

  “Child abuse.”

  Frank frowned, not speaking.

  Finally Gus said, “I don’t want him to ever find out. I don’t want him to ever think something like that…”

  “What happened?”

  “You ever notice the scars on his leg? His thigh?”

  He nodded. “When Frodo got hit, he showed them to Ellen one day and told her Frodo was hurt like he was. She figured he’d had some sort of corrective surgery.”

  “Yeah. For a broken leg.”

  “Broken…?”

  “Twisted the bone.” Gus shook his head. “We actually broke up before Sam was born. Before I knew she was pregnant. But I’d seen that temper; had it directed at me. And I wasn’t a tiny baby. I think it scared her. Think that’s why she gave him to me, although she didn’t tell me she’d hurt him. The pediatrician found it. And now she tells me she’s taking mood pills, so she has it under control. Maybe that’s true. But I don’t want to use Sam to test it.”

  “Wow.” Frank leaned back in his chair. “That’s tough. Afraid my first reaction would’ve been to punch her lights out.”

  “Mine was. But we were in public. And she was already crying. Plus Sam…”

  “So what did you tell her?”

  “I told her I needed to think about it. He was just so glad…” He shook his head again.

  “You know what I think? I think you should involve an attorney. Nothing emotional—just get the boundaries set right up front. Like maybe only supervised visits. Things like that. You don’t think she’ll actually try for joint
custody or anything, do you? I mean, with that on her record…”

  “I don’t know. Her fiancé’s a lawyer. Maybe she’ll marry him and have another kid and leave us alone.” He shrugged. “So how’re things in Wonkaville?”

  Frank chuckled. “Doing good. Although I seem to have become the meeting place for this group of frustrated housewives. They dump their kids on Charlene, then drink twenty cups of coffee each and gripe about their husbands while eating sugar-free cookies by the dozens.”

  “What good is a cookie without sugar?”

  “I intended them for diabetics, not pseudo-dieters. Still, it’s income. Gotta go with the demand, right? Plus, I’m looking at the hidden bonus—with giving Charlene this job, I know I’m never gonna have to worry about unplanned grandchildren. She hates them all. Calls them roaches. On a good day.”

  “And not in front of their mothers.”

  “At least not too loudly, no.”

  Chapter 28

  “I told my doctor what happened,” Maureen confessed as they sat on the porch steps together, watching Sam and his friends dancing in line at the ice cream truck down the street while Frodo dutifully chewed the lawn around the flower bed.

  “You mean when he was a baby?”

  “No. I’d told her that a long time ago. I mean now. About finding him.”

  “What did she think?”

  “She was surprised you let me see him.” She sighed. “I’m not a monster, Gus.”

  He frowned. “Does she think it’s a bad idea?”

  “No, nothing like that. She was just surprised, especially when I said I’d told you what was wrong. Bipolar syndrome gets such bad press since so many attorneys try to use it to get people off for flipping out.”

  “But that’s exactly what you do.”