The lights of the stage obscured the crowd, but I could see the vague outline of Stacy and Billy sitting near the front row. I smiled, knowing they had come to support me.
After the comedian finished, the magician went on and amazed everyone with her sleight of hand. She did some card tricks that made me wonder if maybe she did have magic. I couldn’t figure out how she did it.
There was as short break before it was time for us to go on stage. I took a deep breath and squeezed Bea’s hand as the other girls and I crowded around the stage entrance. The lights went out and we trotted into position.
A bead of sweat dripped down my brow, and I hoped it wouldn’t streak my makeup. I took a deep breath, while my heart thumped in my chest. Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl” came on and the lights went up.
In perfect sync, the five of us pivoted our hips toward the audience. Three of us moved back while the other two went forward. The two dancers in the front spun around and dove between the legs of the two girls at my sides. I stepped to the front and the rest of the girls followed my lead as I flowed through the provocative hip-hop movements.
They surrounded me and I stepped on Bea’s knee to heft myself on the shoulders of our strongest girl. She held my arms from below when I jumped down to be caught by the girls underneath. We went back into a stomping rhythm, trading places between the front and back rows.
With a swivel and turn, we pulled off our skirts and revealed the g-strings below. Two girls grabbed my arms while I flipped over backward, scissoring my legs and landing on my heeled boots.
We danced into a line and, in sync, pulled off our corsets, flinging them off stage. All that was left over our pasties was the cropped shirt, held together with a small piece of Velcro. We formed a circle, linking arms and reached over to pull the Velcro off the girl next to us. We twirled around and pulled the shirt off, ending the dance, aggressively tossing our shirts away.
The lights came down and the crowd roared in approval. I ran off the stage panting, feeling brilliantly happy. I didn’t care that I was part of a burlesque group. I loved to dance, and we were real dancers.
We ran to the dressing room. I got dressed while the local band set up on the stage. After, I met Billy and Stacy in the crowd. I slipped into a chair next to Billy, and he grabbed my hand and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.
The band started a few minutes later. It was a soft, slow song that made me feel melancholy and kind of sad. I felt so emotional I almost wanted to cry. I must have been really excited about dancing again.
After the show, we walked out onto the street to the parking lot. It was cold and we were bundled up in coats.
“Are you coming with me, Zoe?” Stacy asked, opening the door to her pickup.
“Come home with me, Zoe,” Billy breathed in my ear.
“I’m going with Billy.”
“Alright. See you later, Zoe. Awesome performance!”
Billy led me to his scooter. It was getting too cold to ride around on a scooter all the time, but it was all he had. I pressed my legs against his hips while he drove across town. The spicy smell of his skin filled my nose as I held him tight to me. I’d become used to the feeling of needing him, and I was almost comfortable with it now.
He took me back to his place and laid me down on his bed to make sweet love to me. It was slow and passionate. We breathed in each other, body and soul. His kisses left a trail of fire down my skin as his body moved into me with waves of pleasure.
When we were done, we held each other under the blankets. He kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek.
“I’m going to be really busy for the next few weeks, Zoe. I’ve got to finish the beta version of my website and prepare for my thesis presentation. I might be less than attentive.”
“I know how you get,” I said nuzzling his chest. I didn’t care. I’d come to trust him. I’d accepted our relationship and wanted to take it to the next level. For me, that meant not fighting my feelings.
“That’s one of the reasons I love you so much,” he said into my ear. I went rigid and pulled away, looking into his eyes in the dim glow of his computer screen.
“What?” he asked.
“You just dropped the L word.”
“Is that a problem?”
“No. I guess not. I… I love you too.”
He squeezed me tight and we fell asleep together. I finally felt free to love him. I finally felt I had control of my own life enough to let him in.
Over the next few weeks, Billy and I only saw each other every few days. We still texted every day and talked on the phone, but it was hard to get a hold of him. He was deep in work with Daniel on the website.
Most of the time when we talked, he rattled on about things I didn’t understand. I think he was too distracted to realize he was doing it. I don’t think he even realized I was going away for Thanksgiving. I didn’t mind that much. I understood he was doing something really important to him.
School was boring as hell, but I kept at it. Dancing with the troop kept me sane. Photo shoots with Marcus, and the steady stream of other photographers, kept my pockets overflowing.
I went furniture and clothes shopping with Stacy. We outfitted our apartment with a new TV and entertainment center. We bought a brand new couch and love seat. I got a new mattress for my bed. I’d had mine since I was ten.
Everything was going really well until one day when I was standing in the school bathroom looking at the tampon dispenser. I did a mental count from the last time I’d had my period. No matter how many times I ran the numbers in my head, it came out the same. I was late. Over a week late. I hadn’t thought about it. It usually came like clockwork.
I left the restroom and paced around campus until I wound up at the bus stop. My bus pulled up in front of me and I boarded, barely looking at where I was going. I bit my fingernail and sat in the back near the window. Billy and I had had unprotected sex three weeks ago. This was bad.
I sent him a text.
I’m worried. Need to talk.
He didn’t text back. I remembered he had his thesis presentation today. Shit. He’d be totally involved until this evening. I’d have to deal with this alone.
The bus dropped me off in front of my apartment, but I went to the drug store across the street instead. Walking down the aisle with baby diapers and condoms, I found what I needed. I stared at it, feeling the blood rush into my face. I felt too hot for the heavy sweater and pea coat I wore.
I picked up the package, mortified. I glanced down at the condoms and felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away and walked to the counter with my heart pounding in my temples. The girl at the counter looked up at me from under her thick eyelashes, giving me a worried, judgmental look. She scanned the package and put it in a bag. After I paid, I ran out of the drug store.
I hurried into the street, my mind blank with panic. Everything looked and felt gray. I heard the sound of shrieking breaks and the sound of the driver from an oncoming SUV screaming at me. I put my hand to my numb, sweaty forehead and spun around to cross the street without responding.
I ran up to my apartment and locked myself in the bathroom even though no one was home. I set the package on the counter and sat on the toilet seat, staring at the test. Minutes past as my heart thumped in my ears. I grabbed the package and tore it open, reading the instructions five times.
I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to know. I thought about flinging it out the window like I’d never bought it. I’d just ignore it and it would go away. Right?
I wasn’t that stupid. I knew I had to deal with it. I thought about texting Stacy, but I didn’t want to tell her. I couldn’t imagine Stacy getting in this kind of trouble. She’d been on the pill since sophomore year of high school. I didn’t have health insurance back then so there was no way I could afford that kind of thing. Crap. I still needed to get health insurance.
I sat there, holding the stick and breathing so heavily I could have hyperventilated. Fin
ally, I pulled down my panties, sat on the pot, and peed on the stick. I covered the cap and put myself together. Pacing the room while I waited, three minutes felt like an eternity. I didn’t want to look so I opened the door and went out into the living room. I couldn’t get far enough away from that thing.
I sat against the front door in the hallway and waited. I waited for a long time with my head in my hands. I took a deep breath, gaining the courage to go look. I had to deal with this, I wasn’t a weak person.
I strode into the bathroom and stared down at the stick. Two little pink lines stared back at me. I picked it up clinically and compared it with the diagram on the instructions. The results were obviously clear. I set it down and looked blankly at the wall. Slowly my mind thawed from the deep freeze that had gripped it as soon as I saw the lines.
Not good.
I took everything from the package and brought it to my bedroom, dumping it all in the garbage. I texted Billy again. This time in all caps.
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!
There was still no response. Why did he have to be so damn busy when I needed him most? He had his presentation in a few days, and I was scheduled to visit my sister for Thanksgiving. I needed to talk to him soon, my plane left tomorrow.
I waited all day for him to call back. I felt like I was always waiting for him. After Stacy got home, I told her I felt sick and locked myself in my bedroom. I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want anyone to know. I’d gotten myself into this trouble, and I had to get myself out of it.
Stacy drove me to the airport in the morning. I felt so depressed and scared, she must have noticed.
“What’s wrong,” she said, as we lumbered down the highway in her pickup truck.
“Nothing. I’m just sick.”
“Are you sure you’re okay to travel right now? Maybe you should stay home.”
“No. I want to see Claire. Regan got out of the hospital and apparently she’s doing really well. I haven’t seen her acting lucid in three years.”
Stacy dropped me off at my terminal, and I wheeled my bag through the crowded, noisy international airport. The energy of the holiday travelers bustling around me made me want to cry. Finally, I figured out how to get my boarding pass from the stupid machine and made my way through security and to my gate.
I’d never been on a plane before, but the excitement was completely lost on me considering my predicament. I boarded the plane and waited for takeoff, feeling completely numb.
I landed in San Francisco in the late afternoon and found Claire’s sunny face in the baggage claim area. She crushed me in a hug and a sense of relief washed over me. I missed her so much. She was like a sister, best friend, and mother wrapped into one.
Claire chatted about her dress making business, Damien, and Rose during the entire four hour drive north. I was happy I didn’t have to talk much, and she didn’t seem to notice I was completely out of it.
When we got home, Damien came out of the house with my niece Rose and handed the baby to Claire while he took my suitcase out of the car. Our dog Bradly ran out of the house and nearly knocked me on my ass. I went to my knees and hugged Bradly tight. I missed him almost as much as I missed my family. How silly was that? I nuzzled the smelly, hyper dog’s head and stroked his ears.
Rose hid behind Claire’s legs, acting like she didn’t remember me. I smiled and held my arms out to her, but she just ducked further behind her mom.
“She’s going through a shy phase right now. It’s fine. She’ll warm up to you.”
It stung my heart because I’d help raise Rose since the day she was born. I’d been one of her favorite people before I left. My phone rang. It was Billy.
“I have to take this, guys.”
Damien and Claire took Rose and my bag into the house, and I walked around to the garden to answer the phone. The house looked like it had a new roof and new siding. Our house had been built by our grandparents in the sixties and most of the time we’d lived there, it had been falling apart.
I answered the phone and waited for Billy to respond.
“What’s wrong, Zoe? I got your text.”
“I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”
“I’ll come over. I have a few hours before I meet Daniel.”
“I’m in California.”
“What? Why are you in California?”
“I’m visiting my sister for Thanksgiving. I told you that like six times.”
“I’ve been distracted. I’ll make it up to you. Now, what’s wrong? Just tell me now.”
“I… I can’t.”
“Zoe. You’re scaring me. Just tell me.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted. The other end of the phone went silent. I could hear him breathing heavily, but he didn’t speak for long moments.
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. I was a week late for my period, and I took a test.”
“Are those things accurate? Shouldn’t you see a doctor?”
“They’re accurate, Billy. Believe me.” I had an edge in my voice. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation over the phone.
“I’m just trying to understand what’s happening. How serious it is.”
“It’s serious. There isn’t much to figure out.”
“Well. It will be fine. We have this meeting with Steinman next week. I’m sure this site will be huge. Daniel’s design took it to a whole new level. It’s sleek and user friendly now. I haven’t shown you the new prototype yet have I?”
“What are you saying, Billy?”
“I’m saying I can take care of you. It isn’t a problem, just sooner than I expected.”
“Maybe it isn’t a problem for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing, Billy. I have to go. I have to think about this and figure out what I’m going to do.”
“Zoe…”
I hung up the phone and walked back around the yard to the front door. I felt tension grip my shoulders and stomach until I was numb. How could I get through a holiday weekend with my family like this?
I went inside to find the living room had a few new items of furniture –– leather couches, a new coffee table, and a big screen TV hung from the wall. We’d had mostly crap stuff my entire life. Claire and Damien were apparently doing pretty well.
There were turkey decorations around the kitchen and wrapped around the stairwell. The ancient oak dining room table still stood in the dining room off the kitchen. I instantly felt at home. I sunk into the couch next to Rose, but she climbed off and ran to her mom, crying. I clearly was not the baby whisperer right now.
Bradly jumped up next to me and laid his fuzzy collie head on my lap. At least he remembered me. Claire came out of the kitchen holding Rose and sat on a love seat across the room, telling Rose it was Auntie Zoe. Rose didn’t seem to care or remember I’d been like a second mother to her just three months ago.
“How is school?” Claire asked absently. Claire had had to give up school and possibly an amazing career in design to come take care of me. Now she had Rose. Going back to school was pretty much out of the question living in a town like Leggetville.
She’d managed to make things work, but it had been a struggle for her. She was effectively stuck in this town for the rest of her life. Claire seemed perfectly happy to be a young mom with her new boyfriend Damien taking care of so much for her. I didn’t know if I could be the same way. Claire and I were very different people.
“School is going pretty well. It’s boring though. You don’t really get to study what you want for a long time.”
“It’ll get better. You can do anything you put your mind to, Zoe. You’ve always been that way.”
“Thanks, Claire.”
I slept in my old room that night, but it had completely new furniture. Damien had moved in, and they’d done a lot of work on the house since I’d been gone.
In the morning, Regan showed up looking amazing. She had the same psycholo
gist I’d met in the mental hospital with her. Everyone embraced on the front porch while the rain began to brake from the hazy sky.
They came inside. I was so full of questions, I almost forgot about the mess my life was in. I helped Claire and Damien in the kitchen while the football game played on the huge flat screen in the living room.
We set the table with mom’s old china and arranged bouquets of fall flowers Damien had bought. Rose sat in her high chair and we passed around the perfectly roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, fresh biscuits, green beans, and all the fixings.
Claire and Damien made an awesome teem in the kitchen and dinner tasted amazing. I learned that Regan’s psychologist had stopped seeing her “officially” as her doctor and had avoided losing his license. Currently, she was living in his townhouse in Ukiah.
“I started playing piano again,” Regan told me. Her wild red hair had been tamed into soft waves that flowed down her back. Her blazing green eyes that so often held contempt and violence, now looked clear and full of passion when she talked about music. “I’ve been playing small concerts locally, but I have an agent who wants to take me national, even international.”
Regan had always been a piano prodigy, but her bipolar disorder had kept her from going to college. When she really broke down, it had driven her to drug addiction and suicide attempts.
I felt so glad Regan had gotten her life back together. It was hard to lose a sister to mental illness. Seeing Regan across the holiday table, looking chic and groomed to perfection, I was amazed she’d ever had so many problems.
After dinner, we sat around the living room watching movies on Netflix. It made me feel jealous that Rose went to Regan so easily now but ignored me. It used to be the other way around.
I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with Claire and Damien. They were both busy people, but they’d taken the whole weekend off to be with me. No matter how much I longed to, I couldn’t tell Claire about the pregnancy. I didn’t want anyone to know.
Damien drove me back to the airport. Billy hadn’t called me again, but I didn’t want to talk to him. During the flight home, I slept the entire time. Stacy picked me up in Seattle and drove me back to the apartment. I couldn’t tell her about the pregnancy either. It felt like a deep, black secret was eating away at my soul.
Condemned (Beauty And The Billionaire Geek Book 2) Page 7