The Cattleman, The Baby and Me

by Michelle Douglas

  She gave him his space. By the day after that, though, she’d had enough. Liam might need time and space to adjust to Harry’s arrival, to deal with all the things he’d revealed about his marriage, but they only had a fortnight. Her heart ached for him. But it ached for Harry too.

  In the last seven years she’d done her level best to bury every maternal instinct that had risen in her, but she found now she’d do anything if it meant securing Harry’s happiness.

  ‘You know what, Harry?’ she said, as she finished cleaning the kitchen after breakfast. ‘I think it’s time we explored further afield.’ They hadn’t ventured beyond the perimeter of the garden so far. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Sapph! Sapph! Sapph!’

  Sapphie swung round, stared at where Harry sat on the floor with his blocks. ‘Harry, boy—what did you say?’ She must have misheard. She must have…

  ‘Sapph! Sapph! Sapph!’ he repeated. And he grinned at her—a wide, gummy grin that lit up his whole face.

  Sapphie’s legs turned to rubber. She sat. And then she grinned back at him. She suspected it was one of her goofy, foolish numbers, because it made Harry chortle. He crawled over to her, pulled himself up to a standing position and patted her knee.

  ‘Sapph! Sapph! Sapph!’

  Her heart soared. ‘Clever boy!’ She picked him up and buried her face in his neck, relishing his solid weight, the scent of him and his warmth.

  And then her heart plummeted. Just like that. Tears suddenly clogged her throat and her eyes. ‘Oh, Harry,’ she choked out. ‘How am I ever going to give you up?’

  You gave up one baby. You can give up another.

  She had to bite her lip to stop from crying out. With all her heart she wanted this—a baby, a family, Harry. One bad decision had denied her that for ever. And she couldn’t go back and put it to rights. There was nothing she could do to make amends. Ever.

  She forced the tears back. Harry was all that mattered here. Not her. And being with Liam was what would be best for him.

  So just get on with it.

  ‘Hey, Harry.’ She stood. ‘Let’s go find Uncle Liam and see where he hangs out, shall we? Let’s find out what he does all day.’

  ‘’Orse!’ Harry demanded as she started for the door.

  ‘Silly me!’

  She wheeled back to sweep Horsie up from the floor, the excess material of her shirt nearly tripping her up as she rose again. ‘Rotten thing.’ She’d constantly had to pull the sleeves up as she’d cleaned. Whenever she set Harry down or picked him up he got caught or tangled in it.

  So why was she wearing it?

  She stilled. She glanced around the kitchen, out of the window. She had nothing to fear out here. She bit her lip. She set Harry down.

  She took it off.

  Her heart hammered. She smoothed down the T-shirt she wore beneath it, tucked it into her jeans. And then she remembered the heat in Liam’s eyes when they’d rested on her the other night, the answering heat that had surged through her. She might want to breathe a little more freely, but not that freely.

  Slowly she pulled the shirt back on. At the last minute she left the top two buttons undone and rolled up the sleeves. There—that was better. Not brilliant, but better.

  She and Harry sallied forth. Once past the hedge of plumbago at the edge of the lawn the landscape changed—to red earth, yellow rock and pale native grasses. The air smelt dry and clean, and Sapphie filled her lungs with it, throwing her head back to stare at the unending blue above her—the same blue as Liam’s eyes. She felt at home out here in the vast wildness in a way she’d always figured she’d had no right to. But if she was Bryce Curran’s daughter then perhaps the love of this land was in her blood?

  She didn’t want to think about Bryce today.

  Well, when, then?

  Some other time.

  She stared at the various outbuildings that arced out from the house. ‘That’s probably the head stockman’s cottage,’ she said, pointing it out to Harry. ‘And that’ll be the ringers’ quarters. Ooh, a huge machinery shed. That there’s a cattle yard, though it’s not a big one. Umm…and a barn and probably stables.’

  Harry regarded her solemnly. She grinned. ‘I bet you’d love the stables.’ He grinned back, and that settled it.

  As they approached the huge double doors of the barn, Liam rode out from the inner shade on a big bay horse. Its hooves clattered against the hard ground at a slow canter. He brought it to a halt the moment he saw Sapphie and Harry.

  Harry stiffened.

  Sapphie sighed on one big out-breath. She couldn’t help it. Her whole body softened. Liam looked more at home on a horse than he did with both long legs planted firmly on the ground. His movements matched and merged with the movements of his horse with an ease that should have had admiration, not lust, surging through her.

  No, no…it wasn’t lust. She didn’t do lust. It was admiration.

  The horse wheeled around, impatient for a canter, but at an imperceptible tightening of the reins and a low word the horse bowed to its master’s command, dropping its head and quietening immediately.

  Oh, dear. It wasn’t admiration wheeling through her veins. She grew so soft she threatened to melt into a puddle of warm goo.

  She opened her mouth, but before something stupid and revealing dropped out of it Harry started bouncing in her arms. ‘’Orse! ‘Orse!’ he shouted, pointing.

  His unguarded excitement took her breath away. ‘Is it okay for Harry to pat your horse?’ She knew Liam would realise what she was really asking—is it safe?

  He stared down at Harry, and his face lost its hard edges. ‘Sure it is.’

  ‘Look, Harry.’ Sapphie reached out and stroked the horse’s neck. She took his hand and placed it on the horse’s neck too.

  His eyes went wide. ‘’Orse,’ he whispered.

  ‘That’s right. This is Uncle Liam’s horse, and his name is…?’

  ‘Jasper.’ Liam leant down and placed his hand on Jasper’s neck, not far from Harry’s hand. Not far from Sapphie’s. ‘Harry, meet Jasper.’

  And then Harry did something Sapphie couldn’t have predicted in a thousand years. He held his arms up to Liam. ‘’Orse!’ And in that moment she knew Harry and Liam would be fine—they belonged together—and something inside her broke.

  This was what she wanted.

  It was what she’d been working so hard towards. But that didn’t make the pain flooding her heart ease.

  ‘Sapphie?’ A frown marred Liam’s forehead.

  She snapped to, realising he hadn’t attempted to take Harry from her. She lifted her chin and stuck out a hip, pretended to eye him up and down. ‘You look like you might be a halfway decent rider?’

  One corner of his mouth kicked up. ‘I can hold my own.’

  ‘And can you hold Harry on the saddle in front of you whilst controlling your horse?’

  ‘Yep.’

  She didn’t hesitate. She handed Harry up to him. She knew him well enough to know he’d never put Harry at risk. She had to laugh at the child’s face when Liam urged his horse forward to walk in a wide circle around Sapphie.

  She clapped her hands. Harry squealed and beamed, then leant forward to hug Jasper’s mane and kiss him. Liam kept one large hand anchored around Harry’s middle. She had to laugh again. ‘Oh, Harry.’ She clasped her hands under her chin. ‘That looks like so much fun.’

  ‘Can you ride?’

  She glanced up at Liam. His face had gone all soft again, and who could blame him? To see the trauma start to fade from Harry’s face and mind, to see him happy and excited… She couldn’t remember a more bittersweet moment in her entire life—knowing Harry would be safe and happy, loved and looked after, and yet knowing that in a fundamental way she’d just lost him.

  She couldn’t keep him.

  No, she couldn’t.

  She did her best to smile. ‘Yeah, I can ride. But it’s been a while. And I wouldn’t trust myself to do that.’ She wav
ed to the way he held Harry in front of him.

  ‘Hey, Rob?’ Liam called out.

  A ringer, probably a couple of years younger than Sapphie, appeared in the barn’s doorway. ‘Yeah, boss?’

  ‘Saddle up Miss Lil for Ms Thomas here.’

  ‘Sure thing.’ Rob touched the brim of his hat in Sapphie’s direction and disappeared. He emerged a few minutes later with a grey mare.

  ‘Oh!’ Sapphie gasped. ‘She’s beautiful.’

  ‘Do you need a leg-up?’ Liam asked.

  She lifted her nose in the air. ‘Absolutely not.’

  He grinned, and she swore it lifted her all the way up into the saddle. She adjusted the length of the stirrups and beamed around at the world. She had a feeling her excitement was as transparent as Harry’s, because something had made Liam chuckle and he was looking straight at her when he did it. It made her go warm all over.

  No, no, that was the sun.

  ‘I love to ride,’ she confided. ‘But I don’t get a chance to do much of it in Perth.’

  ‘You have a good seat.’

  Man! The sun must be nearing meltdown capacity. She glanced skywards. She managed to not fan her face—just.

  ‘Too right,’ Liam muttered, urging his horse inside the barn. He re-emerged a moment later, carrying, in addition to Harry, two Akubra hats.

  He handed one to Sapphie. She plonked it on her head immediately, welcoming the shade it gave her. By Kimberley standards it wasn’t hot—it would be winter in a couple of weeks, though really the only acknowledged seasons out here were wet and dry. Regardless of the season, it didn’t lessen the glare of the sun.

  She had to chuckle when Liam placed the other hat on Harry’s head. It was tiny!

  ‘We all had these as babies,’ Liam explained. ‘Dad had them specially made. I hunted out my old one the other day, and dusted it off for Harry.’

  His hat, not Lucas’s. She wondered if her face had gone as soft as her insides. She adjusted her hat’s brim and hoped it hid the expression in her eyes. ‘That was thoughtful of you.’

  ‘Need a hat out here,’ was all he said.

  ‘Uh huh.’ She wanted to say a whole lot more, but she bit her tongue.

  With a shrug, Liam turned his horse away from the barn and out towards the open landscape. ‘We’ll take a ride down to the creek. Harry can splash around for a bit if he wants.’

  They didn’t ride along exactly in silence. Harry chatted away to her, to Liam, to Jasper. It was as if a switch had been flicked on inside him—as if the sight of Liam’s big bay horse had made the world right for him.

  She was glad for him. She was, she told herself fiercely. She stared about her, determined to enjoy their ride, determined to drink in the scenery.

  In the distance a sandstone and granite range rose out of the plain, the orange of the sandstone brilliant in the late-morning sun. Stretching to the base of the range was low scrub, spiky native grasses and, beneath it all, red dirt. Liam edged them to the left, towards two boab trees. As a kid she’d called them upside down trees, because of their peculiar shape. Even now they made her smile.

  Sapphie wasn’t sure for how long they rode—twenty minutes, perhaps—before she and Miss Lil followed Liam, Harry and Jasper down a shallow gully that wound around and then opened out to reveal the creek.

  ‘Oh, how lovely!’ The words burst from her. Harry clapped his hands.

  In the wet season the creek would be a gushing torrent, but now, in the dry, it was placid and shallow. Wide rock shelves surrounded clear pools and a sense of peace invaded her soul.

  She dismounted and, at Liam’s command, left her horse to graze at will. Then she took Harry, so Liam could dismount as well. When he reached the ground he took Harry back in his arms as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She had to bite her lip to stop from crying out; had to remind herself that this was what was best for Harry.

  She sat cross-legged on a rock shelf and watched Harry and Liam frolic in a shady rock pool. Liam had removed his boots and socks, rolled up his jeans, and divested Harry of his playsuit and nappy. Harry kicked and splashed, soaking them both.

  They had such fun. Liam was enjoying this moment with his little nephew with such unguarded relish that before too long Sapphie had to laugh—enjoying it by proxy. She’d known from the very beginning that letting Harry go would be hard, but look what she was letting him go to—a wonderful home, a wonderful life, and a man who would love him unconditionally.

  Harry couldn’t ask for more.

  Finally Liam glanced up and speared her with the intense blue of his eyes, and she suddenly found the brim of her hat no shelter from him at all. ‘You want to tell me what happened back there?’

  She stiffened. ‘Back where?’

  ‘Back in the yard? When Harry held his arms out to me?’

  She rolled her shoulders, tossed her head. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

  ‘We’re going to talk about it, Sapphie, because you looked like the world had come to an end.’

  Her jaw dropped. ‘You don’t pull your punches, do you?’

  ‘You weren’t exactly holding them back at dinner the other night when you were asking about my wife, either.’

  Touché. She moistened suddenly dry lips. ‘What Belinda did, Liam—I’m sorry. It must’ve been awful.’

  Liam wanted to close his eyes and ignore her words, but there was no mistaking Sapphie’s sincerity. Besides, if he closed his eyes now it would give her the right to do exactly the same.

  He didn’t want her closing her eyes. He wanted to get to the bottom of whatever had hurt her.

  ‘Thank you,’ he mumbled instead.

  ‘I saw my sister and her husband go through the hell that is IVF—without a happy ending. It nearly destroyed them. I don’t know if it’s any consolation at all, but what Belinda did…she would’ve been in a dark place. I doubt she did it out of malice.’

  His chest tightened. ‘You can’t know that.’

  Her arms went about her knees, pulling them in close to her chest. He suddenly noticed her sleeves were pushed up, and the skin on her forearms was pale and…pretty.

  Harry chose that moment to splash him. Under his breath, Liam thanked him. He didn’t want to notice the pale perfection of Sapphie’s skin, or the creamy line of her throat. He sure as heck didn’t want to wonder if it would be as soft to the touch as it looked.

  ‘Desperation can drive people to do terrible things.’

  Her words hauled him back.

  ‘I know you think you were completely mistaken about her, but I can’t imagine you marrying someone who was totally devoid of compassion and goodness and…’ she reached into the air as if to pluck a word from it ‘…love. You don’t strike me as completely stupid.’

  He found one corner of his mouth loosening and hitching upwards at that. He couldn’t explain why, but the tightness in his chest had started to ease. ‘But?’

  ‘You must’ve had some fun together. There must’ve been some good times.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe. But after what happened those good times don’t seem to hold much value.’ His marriage had been a lie from start to finish.

  Or had it?

  He eased back. In the early days, before the fear that they couldn’t have children, their life had seemed almost perfect. After that, though, had come Belinda’s panic, the frantic round of specialists’ appointments…her increasing desperation. He’d tried telling her that it didn’t matter if she never fell pregnant, but he hadn’t been able to deny he’d wanted kids with a fierceness that had taken him off guard. Even so, he would never have deserted Belinda to have a child with someone else. He could never condone what she had done—she’d torn both of their lives apart—but for the first time the faintest glimmer of understanding threaded through him.

  ‘I never looked at it like that before,’ he said slowly, gruffly. He didn’t want to say anything else. He wasn’t used to talking about this stuff. But then he re
membered he wanted her to open up to him, so he unglued his lips and added, ‘And perhaps it does help. It might be a…’ what was the word she’d used? ‘…a consolation.’

  Sapphie eased back to rest her weight on her hands, stretched her legs out in front of her. Her eyes danced. ‘Man, you must really want to know why I looked so gloomy earlier, huh?’

  She’d seen right through him!

  He tore his gaze from the long, luscious lines of her to splash water onto Harry’s chest. Harry ignored him, intent on trying to grasp the smooth pebbles that lay on the bottom of the pool. Liam kept one hand firmly anchored around him. ‘Yeah, I do.’

  The brim of her hat hid the precise green of her eyes, but it didn’t hide the shadows that chased themselves across her face. ‘Might I ask why?’

  He kept his gaze steady. ‘Because I need to know if it’s going to impact on me and Harry.’

  She ducked her head, and all he could see was the crown of her hat, not her face. And to make sure that you’ll be okay. But he couldn’t say those words out loud. He did his best to harden his heart. ‘Sapphie?’

  She lifted her head and smiled. Not an ounce of sadness or care darkened her face, but he sensed it shivering beneath the surface.

  ‘When Harry lifted his arms to go to you,’ she started, ‘it was the first real indication that he will be fine here with you.’

  He tried not to frown. ‘That made you sad?’

  ‘No.’

  She moistened her lips. He wished he didn’t notice their shine, or the sweet fullness of her bottom lip.

  ‘What made me sad was the realisation that soon Harry won’t need me at all.’

  She hadn’t just been sad. She’d been stricken. The look on her face had torn at him.

  ‘Now, before you say anything, I know Harry has been too dependent on me, and I know we’ve been working hard towards him forging a connection with you, and I know all this is in his best interests. But—’ she glared ‘—it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or that I have to be overjoyed about it all the time. All right?’