Beyond Grace's Rainbow: HarperImpulse Contemporary Romance

by Carmel Harrington

  Chapter Two

  Tara and Sean were back at their three-bed semi in Malahide. Her blue eyes were shiny with unshed tears. Everyone had cried at some point over the past couple of hours at Grace’s, with the exception of Tara. She had to be strong for her cousin, and she had repeated the words like a mantra over and over in her head as the horror of Grace’s illness was revealed. Watching Grace fall to pieces had been unbearable for everyone. They felt at once useless that they couldn’t help and guilty that they were not ill and Grace was. They all held her until her sobs eventually stopped. Tom made coffee and Grace had called time on any more questions. It was enough for one day. Then it was time for Grace to go, as she had to pick Jack up from his friend’s house, where he was on a play date. And she needed to get back into Mommy mode. No way would she allow her son to see her so upset. But Tara still had some questions to ask her husband.

  ‘What is the prognosis really, Sean? The truth please,’ she asked.

  ‘With chemo, 30%. If we can find a suitable donor that increases dramatically.’ There was nothing to say to that. Tara walked over to the drinks cabinet and poured herself a large vodka. She noticed Sean raise his eyebrows at her, but one look from her stopped him from saying anything. They were both on a health kick at the moment to help with their trying to conceive. But this was not the time to nag her about drinking.

  ‘Oh my God Sean! What about Jack?’ Tara said with a sob.

  ‘Jack will be fine, Tara. He has a mother who loves him and a gaggle of aunts and uncles who would all chop their arms off for him. We’ll make sure he’s okay. Right now, I’m worried about you. You look really pale, honey.’

  Tara stared into the bottom of her glass, deep in thought. Sean let her sit quietly; he knew she would talk when she was ready. After a couple of minutes she looked up at her husband.

  ‘I just feel so guilty, Sean,’ Tara said in a small voice. ‘This morning, the way I behaved. I thought it was the end of my world. How ridiculous is that?’ Sean put his hand up quickly to stop Tara continuing.

  ‘Don’t you dare, Tara. Don’t you dare apologise or feel guilty about how you feel ever. You were disappointed this morning. We both were. We thought this time we were definitely pregnant. It was understandable that you were upset. I was gutted myself to be honest.’ Sean knew how Tara felt. They had been trying for years to get pregnant and it was getting to the stage where they needed to go and get some help as it just wasn’t happening for them. The constant cycle of devastation they were on was a nightmare. Like this morning when Tara got a Big Fat Negative. Again. It felt like Groundhog Day. He knew that in a few weeks Tara would be back to religiously peeing on a stick, waiting for the go-ahead that it was the right time. Then would come the fervent days waiting till they could test, both allowing themselves to hope that this month it would be their month. Both would work out in their minds the possible due date of their baby. They knew that was only setting themselves up for a fall, but they couldn’t help themselves. And then the crashing realisation that once again this wasn’t their turn. But today, Grace’s cancer had put their own situation into sharp context. He walked over to Tara and sat beside her, stroking her arm lightly.

  She looked up at him and said, ‘I can still remember the day Grace got the call to say that Annie and Mick were in a car crash. I’ll never forget the look on Grace’s face as she took that call. The colour just drained from her. We drove like madwomen to Vincent’s, all the time me telling Grace to keep positive, it mightn’t be Annie and Mick. Probably just a case of mistaken identity. Grace never said a word. She just sat in the passenger seat, quiet as a mouse. By the time we got to the hospital, they were both gone. Mick had died instantly, and Annie just couldn’t hold on anymore. I couldn’t believe it.’

  Tara stood up and turned to her husband, continuing. ‘I really had myself convinced that they’d be okay. That it was all a big mistake. Grace just fell to the floor and the scream that came from her stopped everyone in their tracks. I mean hospitals see some serious tragedy every day, but there was something so heartbreaking about that noise that Grace made. It’s stayed with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.’

  ‘Baby, you’re torturing yourself. That’s all in the past,’ Sean said as he took hold of Tara’s hands, his heart breaking as he listened to the raw pain in his wife’s words.

  ‘You don’t understand, Sean. I’m trying to tell you something. I know I’m not making any sense. What I’m trying to say is that everybody has a sad story. Or if they haven’t, it’s only a matter of time before they do. Grace has already had her sad story. She’s already had one motherfucking tragedy in her life when Mick and Annie died.’ Sean winced at the language.

  ‘So, why in all that’s sacred, would God ask Grace to deal with this now? It’s not fair, Sean. It’s just not fair.’

  With tears running down Sean’s face, there was nothing he could say, so he just pulled his beautiful wife into his arms and held her. Held her so tightly that he wondered who was comforting whom?

  Chapter Three

  Can this day get any crazier? Tom thought. He had just taken a call from Liam, Jack’s father. His timing was bloody marvellous. After the emotional rollercoaster of this afternoon, hearing Grace’s news, Tom just wanted to go home, crack open a couple of beers, and chill with Gerry. His brain was literally melting from the news of Grace’s cancer. It was a lot to take in, and he was struggling. Tom had already lost his Dad to the ‘Big C’ and it frightened the life out of him. Always had. Something about the word cancer conjured up the worst fears inside all of us. Mention the ‘Big C’ and people go quiet. You could make a Stephen King novel about that word alone and it would make all his other horror books look tame.

  Gerry was eerily quiet, unlike his normal non-stop chatterbox self. Tom realised that Gerry had said maybe ten words since Grace made her announcement. Abby was quiet too, shit – what did he expect; he wasn’t exactly waxing lyrical himself. Each of them needed to be alone with their thoughts.

  When they left Grace’s, Gerry had insisted that Abby come home with them. This was one of the many reasons Tom loved Gerry. He may hold the title of the biggest drama queen in Ireland, he even gave the word ‘queen’ a capital Q, however, as Tom had found out, Gerry had hidden depths and was a series of contradictions. For example, on one hand, Gerry was the biggest snob alive. Unless his clothes had a designer label, he wouldn’t dare put them on his body. Yet Gerry never, ever, passed a charity collection without making a donation. No matter where they were, if someone was collecting, Gerry would stop and throw in some money. Tom believed it was a complete waste giving money to anyone begging because he had a theory that half of them worked for a large consortium of professional beggars. He preferred to donate to a charity instead. That way he knew his money was going straight to good use. But when he tackled him about this before Gerry had just said, ‘Darling, if somebody is willing to risk varicose veins by standing for hours on end collecting for charity that has to be worth a euro!’ And that was that.

  It was as they were leaving Grace’s that Gerry realised that whilst Tara and Sean had each other, and Gerry and Tom likewise, Abby would be going home to her flat on her own. The rest of the group were so wrapped up in their own thoughts, they forgot about little Abby. But not Gerry. He just took matters into his own hands.

  ‘Darling, put your skinny ass into our taxi right this minute. And don’t even begin to open that pretty little mouth of yours to tell me all the plans you have for this evening. Tom and I need you to be with us. The spare room is ready and waiting for you. Besides, I have this lovely bottle of Pinot Noir just waiting to be enjoyed. You have just simply got to save me from death by cider. You know what a heathen he is!’ Gerry pointed theatrically to Tom.

  So Abby had done exactly what Gerry had asked, with no argument, just a little giggle!

  Tom walked into the sitting room and stood in the doorway for a couple of seconds just watching them. They were drinking the
aforementioned Pinot in beautiful Louise Kennedy glasses. They were an anniversary gift to Gerry from him earlier this year. Gerry reckoned wine tasted better in Louise Kennedy glasses, and who was Tom to disagree?

  ‘Guys, you will not believe who that was on the blower.’ Tom realised just how badly Gerry had taken the news about Grace, when he didn’t jump up and start guessing. Instead, he just looked up at Tom, semi-interested.

  ‘Liam,’ Tom stated dramatically. That got their attention.

  ‘Liam, as in Grace’s Liam?’ Abby questioned.

  ‘The one and only. He wants to meet up with us to discuss an important matter. He wouldn’t expand on that, other than to say that he didn’t want to cause any problems, just wanted to chat.’

  ‘Darling, what on earth could he have to say to us, that we need to hear? I’m not in the humour for a drunken scene, Tom. None of us are,’ Gerry announced.

  ‘You know what I think about what Liam did to Grace, Gerry. But he sounded sober, and serious. He’s back in Ireland, and wants to see us. I’m curious. Anyhow, he’s coming here tomorrow. I’d better call Tara. She’s going to go mental.’

  Liam didn’t think it was possible to feel this nervous about anything. And he wasn’t even seeing Grace or Jack today. This was just meeting Tom for a chat. He figured he was the best bet to meet with first of all, as he was less emotional than the rest of them, to say the least. He’d be more likely to hear Liam out without blowing a gasket in the first five minutes. He might bluster and shout initially, but he was fair. One of the fairest and most level-headed people he’d ever known. And Liam had always got on well with Tom. They were beer buddies, and had drunk many a pint together over the years. And although there was always a lot of bull spoken with drink, there was a brutal honesty hidden there too. They had discussed their childhoods, Tom’s homosexuality, careers, relationships, and Liam would like to think that he was a friend to Tom, at least before the drink took over everything else.

  Taking a deep breath, Liam knocked on the door of Tom and Gerry’s house, saying to himself as he did, ‘I can’t put it off any longer, this is it, don’t fucking blow it!’

  Tom answered the door, shaking Liam’s hand firmly. ‘You’re looking well Liam. Come on in.’

  Liam followed Tom into the living room, to find himself under severe scrutiny from several pairs of eyes.

  I should have bloody known, he thought. Of course Tom would have told everyone. His eyes finally rested on Tara. And she looked mad as hell.

  ‘You don’t think I’d have missed an opportunity like this do you, Liam?’ Tara asked, accurately guessing Liam’s thoughts. ‘I’m in serious need of a good laugh, so when Tom said you were coming round, I knew I’d have to be here. Never thought I’d ever say I’d miss anything about you Liamo, but in fairness your tall stories were always hilarious!’

  ‘Darling, give the man a chance. Liam, as I live and breathe, you’ve got more handsome, if that’s possible. Have you been working out? Jeez, Abby look at those bloody abs!’ Gerry said, jumping up to shake Liam’s hand.

  ‘Tara, always a pleasure. Gerry, thank you, you’re looking good too. Hi Sean, Abby. And for the record Tara, I’m not here to spin any stories, honestly.’

  Tom stepped in, ‘Righto, take a seat Liam, and we’ll all keep quiet. You’re a brave man, I’ll give you that, facing us lot!’

  ‘Well, I know you lot don’t have a high opinion of me. I know that I’ve done some goddamn awful things over the years, and I was going to see each of you individually to apologise. I wasn’t planning on doing it all on this occasion, but hey, maybe this is better. I never thought it would be easy.’

  Silence greeted this statement from Liam. He felt like a rabbit caught in headlights.

  Taking another deep breath, he continued. ‘I’m an alcoholic.’

  ‘No shit Sherlock, give that man a prize,’ Tara shouted.

  Gerry giggled. Sean just shrugged at Liam. He wasn’t going to tell Tara to shut up. He happened to agree with her. Tom, on the other hand, was determined to let Liam have a fair say.

  ‘All right guys settle down – go on Liam.’

  ‘As I was saying, I’m an alcoholic. You guys have known that for years but I only realised it myself just over a year ago now. And I’m happy to say that I’ve been clean since that moment. I’ve finally shaken that monkey off my back, as we say in rehab.’ Liam stopped suddenly, feeling stupid and extremely vulnerable for telling them that. They didn’t want to know those details. Telling himself to keep it simple, not do too much ‘therapy talk’, he continued.

  ‘Speaking of rehab, it’s amazing the shit you remember. As a rule, we alcoholics have a really selective memory. It’s the only way we can keep drinking without the guilt taking over. If we remembered every morning what we did the night before, we probably couldn’t live with ourselves. So our minds block out the bad stuff, only remembering the highs of drinking. But when you’re in rehab, everything’s stripped away. It’s raw, and memories come back to you in the middle of the night and you can’t switch them off.’

  ‘Get out the bleeding violins,’ Tara muttered.

  ‘Most of them,’ Liam continued, glancing at Tara, ‘most of the bad ones, revolve around Grace. But a lot of them include you guys too. I know I was only Grace’s boyfriend, but I’d like to believe that you guys were my friends too. And I did wrong by you lot. I treated you all really badly.’

  Liam looked around at the group of people who used to be his friends and he was slightly shamefaced to admit that a small part of him had hoped that someone at this point would jump up and tell him not to worry, he had nothing to apologise about. No such luck. ‘I’m really sorry for the stuff I got up to. There’s no excuse and I don’t expect you to forgive me just like that.’

  Tom’s face was hard to read. Liam felt like heading for the door and running like Forrest Gump. But he needed to face his demons. He would never get another opportunity like this.

  ‘How you treated us isn’t an issue,’ Tom said finally. ‘We’re all big boys and girls and we got over it. But what you did to Grace is a different story. You really messed her up, man. She had this painted-on smile that she wore whenever you were drinking. She actually thought we all bought that she was enjoying herself, when in fact we all knew that she was trying so hard to hold it together. Watching you constantly to make sure you didn’t say or do anything to upset the group. I don’t think she let her guard down at all in the last year before you left, Liam.’

  Liam felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He had gone through all of this in rehab but hearing it from Tom, his best friend, was hard.

  Tom was aware that his words were upsetting Liam, but he also knew that they had to be said, so he went on. ‘It fucking killed me watching our lovely, funny Grace, so stressed, because you basically wanted to get pissed. I hated you at times Liam, because you changed Grace. When you got off your face, she was on edge all night. Wondering what shit you were going to get up to next.’

  ‘I closed my mind to all that, Tom. I had to, because the guilt was too much. I’d have to have a drink to forget. When I was pissed, I felt like I was king of the world!’ Liam replied.

  The tension was palpable in the room and Gerry picked that moment to throw in: ‘Leonardo DiCaprio, Titanic, holding Kate Winslet in his arms – what a moment.’ Everyone laughed for a second. Then they all remembered that they were giving Liam a hard time.

  ‘Tom, you’ve been like a brother to me and I know that I’ve pushed you to the limits. But I miss you man. It would mean a lot to me, if I knew you could forgive me one day.’

  ‘It’s all right, Liam. Nuff said, apology accepted,’ Tom said with a lump in his throat as he once again shook Liam’s hand. ‘It’s good to see you.’

  With that, Tara began to clap. Slowly, but getting louder each second.

  ‘Well done Liam, that’s a performance and a half. You almost had me there. But I’m afraid I just don’t buy it. Why now have you
decided it’s time to apologise? You say you’ve been clean over a year, how do we know that’s the truth?’

  ‘Tara, I don’t blame you for being suspicious. Why should you believe me? But I’m asking you; please give me the benefit of the doubt. Hear me out at least.’

  ‘All right, Liam. I’ll hear you out for one reason only: Grace fell in love with you, so you can’t be all bad. So go on. I’m listening.’

  ‘My counsellor said that all alcoholics have a defining moment. Something happens and it shocks us into realising we have a problem, and that we want help. Until that moment, it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does, you’re in denial. Mine was on January 4th last year.’

  ‘Jack’s birthday,’ Abby said.

  ‘Yep, that’s right, Abby. Jack was two years old and I wanted to see him. I mean Grace has been amazing, sending me photos. I know a lot of women wouldn’t in her shoes. But I needed to see him. When Grace was pregnant, she came to see me. I couldn’t believe it when she called. I was on a high, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we were going to get back together. I didn’t even drink that day. I knew how much my drinking freaked her out, so I thought I’d do without my usual four o’clock cocktail. And before you say it Tara, I know what a fucking moron I was.’

  Tara closed her mouth. She had been about to say something smart along those lines.

  ‘I actually thought that by not drinking for a couple of hours, Grace would forget all the shit I’d put her through and we’d be back on track again. But Grace didn’t want to get back with me. The opposite in fact. She told me she was pregnant and I was blown away. Not freaked out at all. I’d always wanted kids. Not just any kids, mind you. Kids with Grace. I reckoned they’d be gorgeous.’

  ‘You were right, Jack is divine,’ Gerry said.

  Liam smiled at this and then continued, ‘But Grace asked me to promise her something. If I had ever loved her, I must promise never ever to be involved in the baby’s life, that is, as long as alcohol played a part in mine. I didn’t want to promise to never to see my baby. But as Grace said, she wasn’t stopping me seeing the baby. Just asking me to stay away if I continued drinking. Fair enough, so I promised. No biggy, I thought, I can stop drinking anytime. But as you guys all know, I didn’t stop drinking. I kept meaning to, you know. Every morning I’d wake up and think that’s it. Today, I’ll stay sober and get my act together. But by five o’clock I’d be having a beer. Just to take the edge off.’ Liam self-consciously put his face in his hands.