The Long Walk Back

by Rachel Dove

  ‘I know a lot,’ I said, keeping my voice neutral. He needed to back out of my face, before I decked him. I clenched my fist against my stump. Don’t hit Jamie’s Dad. It played like a mantra in my head, giving me the sudden urge to laugh. I lost my leg to protect pampered pricks like this?

  ‘I know he misses his father,’ I continued. ‘Why won’t you go see the kid?’

  ‘She won’t let me see him. I tried, in the hospital. She sent me away.’

  ‘And since then?’

  He looked confused.

  ‘Question too hard? Did you keep trying? It’s been months.’ I could hear the edge in my voice, this guy was rubbing me up the wrong way.

  ‘I know it’s been months,’ he darted a look to the window, but the blinds were drawn closed. ‘Look, I don’t appreciate you coming here, talking to me about this. It’s nothing to do with you anyway.’

  I nodded at him, agreeing with him. He looked at me blankly. The guy was completely out of his depth.

  ‘Well,’ I said, moving my chair back towards the waiting taxi. ‘I’m glad I came anyway, not every day you meet a deadbeat dad up close.’ His shoulders slumped at my words, and I felt a flicker of satisfaction that my barb had hit home. Didn’t feel as good as it would to knock his teeth out, but still.

  ‘Will you tell Jamie I love him?’ he said from behind me. I got into the taxi. I couldn’t even acknowledge the guy. When the taxi was pulling away, I could see him staring at me through the blinds, back in the house. Hiding behind the strips of fabric. I pulled out my phone and dialled Kate.

  She answered after two rings.

  ‘Cooper?’ Her voice was like a zap to the heart. I felt so protective over this woman that I almost asked the taxi driver to turn back.

  ‘I’m here, Kate. Did you find him?’

  ***

  Kate could feel the skin ripping away from the side of her thumb as she chewed on the area around her nail. A blossom of blood sprang up and she wiped it down her jeans. The foyer of the centre was mercifully quiet. She wondered just how many people here ran the other way when they saw her coming. She knew she was causing drama, but she felt like it was all beyond her control. What could she do? Her in-laws had taken her child from the place that they lived, without her permission. Any other parent of a patient would be angry that procedures were not followed. The trouble was, the only person in the whole place that knew of her situation was Trevor, and they weren’t exactly speaking right now. She worried at the torn skin, pulling down her cardigan sleeve to cover it over. A minibus pulled up, and Kate’s whole body shook with relief when she saw the face of her son smiling through the window. She plastered on a grin and pulled the door open, running out to meet them. Jamie looked at her and she started to wave, but he turned away. He was talking to them in the van, and Kate wished she could be a fly on the wall of the vehicle. Why did her son, her little man, talk animatedly to others, when she barely got a word? The pain sliced through her heart anew, and she physically rubbed her chest in an effort to heal it. It was a physical pain, and she wondered to herself whether a heart attack would be quicker and less painless than continuing on. Sometimes, life was stranger than fiction, and harder than death.

  ‘Hello Kate,’ Milly said. Roger busied himself talking to the driver, who was helping Jamie to operate the motorised ramp in the flash vehicle. A number of carrier bags sat on the floor, expensive clothes stores and games shop logos showing. Kate turned away, but Milly saw where she was looking.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind,’ she ventured. ‘We wanted to take Jamie for lunch, so we went into town. Bought him a few things. You can’t take it with you, you know.’

  Kate nodded at the woman. ‘You didn’t have to do that. I can afford to take care of my son.’

  Milly scrunched her nose up, readjusted her handbag tighter against her side, as though it was shielding her.

  ‘I know you can take care of him, Kate. As we said on the phone, we thought it was okay to pick him up. Neil told us where you were living, and we wanted to see you both. You have done a good job, I know that. We just wanted to help. When you last called, we …’ She swallowed, and Kate touched her arm. Milly flinched, and she smiled kindly.

  ‘I’m sorry. We shouldn’t fight. For Jamie’s sake, at least. Neil doesn’t talk to us, I thought it was your fault, but Jamie says he hasn’t been in touch.’

  She nodded then, and Roger and Jamie came forward. Roger was laden down with bags, but he set them on the ground and went in to hug her awkwardly. Kate let him, tapping him on the shoulder as though she was soothing him. Glancing at Milly and Jamie, she saw misty eyes and approving nods. She wondered what Neil would think of this, or Coop. She imagined their reactions would be as different as they were as men.

  As though thinking of Cooper had conjured him, a taxi pulled up and he got out. On two legs too. He stood there, as though he had all the time in the world, casually leaning on the open car door. He looked tired but utterly gorgeous. Kate’s whole body responded to his presence. She hoped that the flame in her cheeks wouldn’t be noticed by her company. He looked across at them all and smiled politely. The driver brought round his chair, and Jamie dashed over to see him.

  ‘Cooper, I got the new Star Wars game from Grandma and Granddad, will you play with me later?’

  Cooper sat in his chair and immediately leant forward and ruffled Jamie’s hair. A move he did often now, a relaxed point of contact. Jamie giggled and they fist bumped.

  ‘Of course I will big guy. You had a good day?’

  Jamie looked at his grandparents and beckoned Cooper over. ‘Yeah it was awesome. We went to a burger bar, and I had burger and chips. And pudding. We went everywhere, and I got some Avengers stuff for my room too. This is Cooper, he lives here too.’

  He presented Cooper to his grandparents grandly, with both arms spread wide. Ta-da, my new dad! He didn’t say that of course. He might as well have, judging from the looks Roger and Milly gave each other. Kate could only stand and watch, picking at the broken skin by her side.

  Cooper smiled easily at them both.

  ‘Sounds like you have had a lovely day. Captain Thomas Cooper,’ he said to them both, looking them straight in the eye while holding his hand out firm.

  Milly eyed him coolly, but Roger smiled and held his hand out to shake his hand in return.

  ‘Pleased to meet you, Captain. I’m glad to meet you. I have heard lovely things about you from Jamie.’

  Cooper shrugged off the praise and Kate’s heart skipped a beat. Modest, for a hero. The man had breathed life into Jamie, had given him his smile back, his laugh. These people owed him more than she could ever tell them. More than she could ever reveal.

  ‘Hello Mrs Harper,’ Cooper said, turning his gaze to Milly. Roger gave her a look, and she uncrossed her arms and looking again at Jamie, she let Cooper take her hand. He shook it gently, nodding to her in deference. She seemed to relax a little then, and Kate could see her gripping his hand a little tighter. She reached forward suddenly, leaning down closer to him. Kate thought that she was going to tell him off, from her stiff stance and she locked eyes with Cooper as she moved closer to his ear.

  He looked a little wary himself, but he flashed her a wink to reassure her.

  Kate couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Milly didn’t speak to him at all. She threw her arms around him instead, hugging him tight to her thin frame.

  ‘Thank you for being there for our grandson.’

  Cooper didn’t say a word, he just hugged her back. Roger came to her side and left the three of them talking as he pulled Kate further into the lobby.

  ‘Has Neil really not tried to see Jamie? He rang us yesterday, and told us the address of the centre. He’s acting strange, but he won’t talk to us about it. We’re going to the house from here, see if we can catch him after work.’

  Kate shook her head.

  ‘I don’t want him to see Jamie, but he hasn’t been in touch anyway. If he does get in tou
ch, then Jamie can see him, it’s his choice, not mine. I need to speak to him first. Roger, the house is being sold, no one’s living there. Our stuff is in storage, I left Neil’s things there. He obviously got my solicitor’s papers too, because I never told him where we were. The address is on those papers. I’m divorcing him Roger. I’m sorry.’

  Roger looked at Milly, who was laughing with Jamie at something Cooper had said.

  ‘This will really upset her. Do you know where he is?’

  Kate had a good idea, but she wasn’t able to do his dirty work for him.

  ‘No, but I believe he still works at the same firm. They never let me speak to him, so I’ve stopped trying. Maybe you should go there before work finishes? I have a spare key for the house too, if you want to go in. The estate agents said an offer has been made. I need Neil to sign off on it, but I don’t know if the agents spoke to him today. If you see him, ask him because I need the money from the house to buy a place for me and Jamie.’

  Roger nodded. ‘I’ll make him bloody listen, and yes I’ll take that key. We can clear some of his things out for you, then he’ll ruddy well have to come to us, won’t he?’

  Kate smiled at her father-in-law. ‘Thank you, and listen, you have my mobile number. If you want to visit or chat to Jamie, just ring me.’

  She slipped a key from the bunch in her pocket, passing it to him. Roger took it and tucked it into his jacket pocket.

  ‘We will help Kate, you’re not on your own. I don’t know what happened, but my son should be here.’

  Kate sighed, looking at her son who was now being wheeled around to the gardens by Milly, Cooper following in his own chair.

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘He should.’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Cooper

  I never told you this, but I spoke to Hightower in the hospital, before I flew home. He came to see me, after my op. The op. He slipped through the net. I told the nurses and Trevor not to let any visitors in and at that point they were all bending over backwards in a bid to stop me complaining to the big wigs. You could hear the eggshells cracking and crunching under their tip-toeing feet.

  I was kind of enjoying it, at least it distracted me from facing the truth of my new life a little. As you know, I wasn’t a fan.

  Hightower practically shimmied under the tent flap to get to me. He was so stealthy I didn’t even see him until he was stood right in front of me.

  I remember our conversation, even now.

  ‘Jesus, stalk much?’

  He had laughed then, a deep booming laugh that matched his huge frame. They didn’t just call him Hightower because he was a crack shot sniper. The guy was huge.

  ‘I came to check on you. I can’t stay long though, the guys aren’t doing well with the new dickhead in command.’

  I laughed, but the pain soon cut off my chortling. Hightower’s jaw tensed, but he said nothing. In our line of work, we know that our buddies have our back, but seeing them hurt, or worse, is unthinkable. When it does happen, we go to the mats for that guy, get to them, bring them home. Even if it’s just their body, we risk our lives to get it. We know that we won’t sleep, knowing that we left them there. We bring home what we can. There are lots of things we don’t talk about. Is it a guy thing? I don’t know. Till you, I never understood the importance of expressing how you feel. I kept it zipped up. Locked and loaded.

  ‘Who is it, Daley?’

  Hightower snorted, taking a seat in the plastic chair the doc had vacated. ‘You wish it was Daley, at least the guy has chops. Nope, Simmons.’

  ‘Christ!’ I said, the pain worth the chance of a semi-normal conversation. ‘I would rather be shot in the face.’

  We both laughed, till the pain in my leg started again, and I fell silent.

  ‘You met my doctor? She’s a real piece of work. You should ask her to lead you. She is properly bloodthirsty.’ He gave me a look that kept me from saying more.

  In our years of working together, Hightower and I have learnt to read each other so well that a look, an eye roll, speaks volumes to each other. He is the brother I never got to have in real life. In more ways than one. Sometimes, there are things thicker than blood in this life. Family is formed, not always born.

  Sitting back in his chair, he folded one leg up and rested one ankle of top of his knee. His boot scraped against the side of the bed, brushing dust onto the white sheet. It looked all the darker against the clean cotton.

  ‘You need to quit being a pain in the ass. I know what you’re thinking, and you can’t blame her.’

  ‘Aww, you met her! I get it, she batted her eyes at you. Sucker!’

  What Hightower said to me then stayed with me, even though I buried it. Knowing what I know now, it makes perfect sense.

  ‘Coop,’ he said, fixing a glare on me that pinned me to the bed. ‘She saved you for a reason. You can’t blame her for doing her job. She’s here to save lives, just like us. We’re in the same line of work.’

  I said nothing. What could I say? By that time I was too far gone in my anger. You know by now, I can be stubborn when I want to be.

  ‘She’s like you, and you haven’t even noticed yet. It was like talking to you, speaking with her. Same stubborn attitude. This happened for a reason, Cooper. Don’t give up.’

  You see? Even then, people knew better than I did.

  ***

  Later that night, Kate was reading Harry Potter to Jamie in his room. They had started it before she went away, and tonight was the first night since the accident that he had even mentioned a book. She had sent the nurse away, and she and Cooper had taken him to his room. He was full of chatter after his day out, and Cooper matched his enthusiasm, talking about superheroes. Arguing, truth be told. Apparently, Cooper had an intense dislike of Thor. Jamie found this hilarious. Once they’d reached Jamie’s room, Cooper had said goodbye, saying he was headed to the gym.

  Kate knew he was giving them space to talk. Jamie had let her bathe him and help him with his PJs. The small actions of helping her son get ready for bed almost made her weep for the past. She wondered how she’d ever moaned about the minutiae of life, the daily routines of raising a child. She’d always thought that she needed to blaze a trail in the world, but maybe she just had to look after her son. Help him live a normal life. Or even an extraordinary one.

  ‘Mum, where’s Dad? Grandma and Granddad kept changing the subject. I don’t think they wanted to tell me.’ Kate’s brows lifted in surprise but she soon recovered. Maybe they did care about him. Enough to shield him from the harsh truth at least. Maybe even they didn’t know the truth. It certainly seemed that way today.

  ‘Your dad loves you,’ she said, settling him under the duvet. She ruffled his hair, smoothing it to one side with her hand. It was still damp from his bath, and she could see the drying curls of hair at the back of his head. He looked up at her from the pillow, and his little eyes broke her heart. ‘He will always love you. It’s just that sometimes, things are complicated for grown-ups. I want to keep you safe.’

  ‘Safe from Dad?’ He asked. His brow was furrowed, a deep frown crossing his features.

  ‘Your dad would never hurt you Jamie. I promise you, one day it will all make sense. For now, I just want you to concentrate on getting better.’

  Jamie nodded. Kate waited for him to ask something else, to shout at her, demand to see his father but he just sagged against the pillows. Kate got up to leave then, tip-toeing across the dimly lit room, but a voice stopped her.

  ‘Mum, will you read to me? We have the books from our old house now.’

  Kate was still facing the door, and she blinked away the tears that threatened to spill out.

  ‘Sure,’ she said, walking to the bookshelf. ‘I’d like that very much.’

  Kate hadn’t been back in her room long before she heard a soft knock at her door. She was in a black vest top and soft white cotton shorts, her hair still in a towel from her own shower. She was sat cross-legged on her
bed, a circle of legal papers and letters around her. She looked at the door warily. She was still avoiding Trevor, but she knew it couldn’t be kept up. Especially after the week she had had. Any other boss would have sacked her by now, and she knew that things had to change. Now, more than ever, after the delivery she had come home to.

  She was suddenly glad she had chosen to wallow in silence in her room like a teenager. Hopefully he would think she was asleep. Another soft knock. Kate could see a shadow under the door. She reached over to turn the lamp off, to send him the message that she didn’t want to talk when she heard Cooper’s voice.

  ‘Kate, you there?’ His quiet voice sounded concerned. She uncurled her limbs, heading for the door. Opening it, she looked down to see him but her eyes landed on his hips. She flushed and heard a chuckle. ‘You know, I have a face. You can’t treat a man like a piece of meat.’

  He had one arm on the door jamb, looking every inch the cocky soldier. Kate looked down the corridor beyond him.

  ‘Someone will see me out here. You should invite me in.’

  Kate looked at Cooper, but he just stood there grinning back at her.

  ‘And they won’t talk if I have a patient in my room?’ She countered, stepping back to let him in. He walked in, watching her check the corridor once more and lock the door. The room was quiet, and the silence seemed to register for them both at the same time. Cooper looked around the room, settling his gaze on the papers strewn on the bed.

  ‘I didn’t mean to disturb you,’ he nodded towards them. ‘I just wanted to see if you were okay, after today. What did Jamie say about leaving?’

  Kate went to run her fingers through her hair as she composed the words and felt the towel. She pulled it from her head, fanning out her hair. ‘Sorry, I look a mess. We didn’t talk about it, not yet. He has questions, and as yet, I don’t know how to answer them.’

  She folded the towel over the radiator, pushing her still damp hair off her face. Cooper made no move to come closer, and she knew he was trying to be there for her. She hated that she had dragged him into this too. He had enough to deal with. It wasn’t fair. It would engulf them both.