The Long Walk Back

by Rachel Dove

  ‘Listen Cooper,’ she began.

  ‘Don’t.’ His voice was so low she didn’t trust what she had heard at first.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t. I know what you’re going to do, and I am saying no. If you want to end this because you don’t like me, then fine. Otherwise the answer is no.’

  He walked towards her then. Slow steady strides, as surefooted as any man. He put his arms around her, his warm skin bringing out goosebumps on hers. He lowered his face to hers, and stopping just before he touched his lips to hers, he asked again.

  ‘Well?’

  She could feel the heat from his lips near hers. Her whole body was warmed by his touch.

  ‘It’s not that simple,’ she protested weakly. ‘You have so much to deal with, and the whole thing is just a mess. You don’t know the half of it.’

  He released her, and she thought he was going to back away, but instead he bent down, lifting his trouser leg. She could see the metal of his prosthetic underneath.

  ‘This is what I have to deal with. I can stand on my own two feet, Kate. The rest of it we can figure out. The only thing I need to know is whether or not you actually want this.’ He stood up, giving her a little smile before heading to the door. He pointed to the papers on the bed. ‘Try and get some sleep, okay?’

  Before she could form an answer in her own head, he had flicked the lock and slipped out. She locked her door back up and went back to the papers. She knew where he stood now, and she knew he was laying his cards on the table. In his own way, he was telling her he wanted them, no matter what. She just had to take the leap with him. The problem was, it wasn’t that easy to leap into the arms of a man when her arms were already laden with all the excess baggage of her life. She felt like she was dragging Neil along with her, a ghost figure in the relationship, and now Cooper had even met her soon to be ex in-laws. Awkward wasn’t the word. Add to that the pouting Trevor, and the sullen Jamie. What you had was a Shakespearean tragedy in the making, not the ideal conditions for a tentative new relationship. It was when she noticed she was dripping on the letter from the solicitors that she gave in and went to bed. It would still all be there in the morning. Maybe it would look better then.

  Kate rapped on Trevor’s door, uniform on and hair pinned back. She felt like she hadn’t slept, but she had done some thinking.

  ‘Come in,’ Trevor’s voice came from behind the door. She didn’t give herself the chance to back out and she walked straight through, taking a seat in the chair opposite him and putting the files from her arms to his in tray.

  ‘Morning Trevor, I’ve done all the charting up to date. I’ve a client vacancy now too, so if you have anyone, I’m happy to see them this afternoon.’

  Trevor was frozen with one hand on the mouse, startled by her all-business entrance. To his credit, he recovered quickly, though Kate did see a look of disappointment cross his face.

  ‘Client vacancy?’ He echoed. He didn’t try to hide the hope in his voice, and Kate wondered if a new therapist had been assigned to Cooper already. In all the confusion and panic, she hadn’t even asked.

  ‘Yes, Adam Wright. He transferred nearer to home, he was well enough and has a young family so I signed the discharge papers yesterday.’

  Trevor’s mouth gaped. ‘Fine, I don’t have one today, but I will have a look at the admissions waiting list this afternoon.’

  ‘Also, I would like to request that Thomas Cooper be transferred to another therapist as soon as possible, I know he has requested it. There has always been a conflict of interest there, and I would be happy to swap patients with one of the others. I think we both know it’s best for all concerned. Jamie and I will be moving out of the centre as soon as I can sell the house too, so there will be a bed vacancy.’

  Trevor had stopped pretending to work, choosing instead to sit back in his chair. He pushed his fingers together, like a steeple, and Kate was reminded of a character from one of Jamie’s favourite shows. She half-expected him to say ‘excellent’ in a sinister voice, but he just tapped his index fingers against his bottom lip.

  ‘If there’s nothing else,’ she started to get up.

  ‘Have you told Jamie all this?’

  ‘Jamie knows what he needs to know, for now. It’s none of your business Trevor. I think that my not living here will be better for our professional relationship too.’

  He laughed. More of a snort than anything. He pinched it short with a tightening of his jaw.

  ‘Kate, I know I overstepped, but we don’t just have a professional relationship. We have a bond, you and I.’ He raised a hand, cutting off her objections before she even made any. ‘A friendship, that’s all. I think you’ve done so well, with coping with the accident. It’s your actions since that drive me mad. You jumped into going it alone with both feet. Now I think you realise that you don’t have to be on your own again, but it scares you to death.’

  ‘Of course it does, Trevor!’ She shouted suddenly. ‘I have Jamie to think about, my career is in the toilet, and I slept with a patient!’

  Trevor’s eyes go wide in surprise, and she cursed her big mouth. ‘Yes, I slept with a patient. A man damaged from war, while my own son is struggling with never walking again and my wanker ex-husband sails off scot free. Do you know he’s blocking the house sale? He won’t take less than fifty percent of the house profit, even though he pays nothing to Jamie and I paid more of everything! He won’t divorce me till it’s sorted, but I need that money to move on!’

  Kate slammed her hands down on the desk, causing Trevor’s pen pot to jump comically.

  ‘He was on the phone that day, do you know that? Handsfree, so not illegal, but he was distracted. Not watching the road. It was his fault, and Jamie paid the price.’

  ‘You slept with Cooper?’ Trevor asked, incredulous. Trust him to focus on that. Kate put her head in her hands.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘How many times?’

  Kate glared at him. ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Yes, it does Kate. Tell me.’

  ‘Once,’ she relented. Twice. The shower. ‘Not in the centre. No one knows. Not that it matters now.’

  She risked looking at him, but immediately wished that she hadn’t. He looked gutted, and she could have bitten her tongue off. She did care for him, in her own way. Maybe before this, in another world, they could have been good together. Before Neil. Before Cooper. She knew that she was lost to him for good now though. After Cooper, she was lost to anyone. And now she knew what she was going to tell Cooper, she knew that when he hated her again, that would be easier. Bearable perhaps. Like Trevor would hate her now.

  ‘Look, I am sorry. I made a mess of everything. Just let me work out the week, find somewhere to rent, and I’ll be gone. I just ask that you keep Cooper out of it. He doesn’t deserve this – I’ve told him he shouldn’t be involved with me and my mess.’

  ‘Does anyone deserve anything that has happened this past year? From where I’m looking, there are no winners. There could be though, as much as I hate saying it. If I thought I’d win, I’d kick his head in and toss his arse out of here, but I have to admit that Jamie needs him.’

  A vision of Trevor and her husband popped into her head.

  ‘Neil?’ She asked, incredulous.

  He shook his head. ‘Cooper. Jamie needs him. Taking him away now, with his dad leaving – I don’t think he could take it.’

  Kate said nothing. What could she say? For the first time in a while, they were being how they used to be. Friends, telling each other the truth. A truth neither of them wanted to accept.

  ‘He’ll leave anyway. That will be far worse. I’m just limiting the damage.’ She stood to leave. Trevor made no motion to stop her.

  ‘I won’t do anything Kate. As far as I’m concerned, this conversation didn’t happen. I’ll get you details of your next client. I will transfer Cooper, but it won’t be immediate.’

  Kate gripped the door handle, her white knuck
les betraying her discomfort.

  ‘For the record Kate, you’re not limiting the damage. You are doing what you always do when you can’t face the truth. You run. You shut people out, and you run.’

  ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ she countered, turning to sneer at him.

  ‘I’ve known you a long time Kate, and you are one of the bravest women I know. Apart from with the people in your life. You never wanted Neil, but you felt trapped and settled, even though you weren’t happy, for Jamie’s sake. Now he made a mistake, a silly error, but you’ve frozen him out. I know he could have fought harder to see Jamie, but he knows he’s not as strong as you, so he slinked off. Jamie is the one suffering, so tell me, how does this end? You keep Neil from Jamie, and you walk away from Cooper? What’s the point? Let Neil come and see Jamie. Make him come. Jamie can decide for himself. Don’t end up in some house alone with your son, giving up on everything you worked for. Jamie will be fine. He has you as a role model. Just stop fighting for the wrong things.’

  Kate slammed the door on her way out.

  When she walked into the physiotherapy suite, Cooper was already there but something was missing.

  ‘Where’s breakfast?’ She asked, disappointment evident from her pout. Cooper was reading through the local paper, and he folded one of the inserts up, putting it on the table in front of him before reading the rest.

  ‘I figured we should play by the rules,’ he said evenly. ‘We can go for breakfast in the cafeteria when Jamie leaves if you like. We should get on with work first though.’

  ‘Are you mad at me?’ she asked, walking closer to him. She knelt by his chair, putting her hand on his arm. He looked down at it, a pained look crossing his face. She pulled her hand away, resting on the table instead.

  ‘I’m not mad Kate. I just thought about what you said, and I’m giving you space to breathe. I’m still here, for you both. You just need to decide what you want. I can wait. We need to get to work. Trevor’s already been in here this morning. I think he was looking for you.’

  ‘I’ve seen him already. What about Jamie, he thinks you’re going to see him later?’

  ‘I’m still going. I ordered a new game online too, it should be here soon. It’s a Lego game. I think he’ll like it. Thought we could build it together, it would make a change from just playing on the computer.’

  Kate thought of Jamie and how he would be so excited to play.

  ‘You like him don’t you,’ she stated. It wasn’t a question.

  He looked at her, and his guarded expression dropped into a happy smile.

  ‘I love him Kate, I love you both. That won’t change. I’m here, I told you.’

  The tears sprang to her eyes, and she couldn’t hold them back. She dropped her head onto her arms and started to cry. In one move, Cooper had lifted her into his arms. He was sitting on a normal chair she realised. He laid her onto him and cradled her tight.

  ‘If Trevor comes in, this won’t help fight our corner you know.’

  She laughed, which sent her into a fresh bout of tears. He shushed her, squeezing her to him tight.

  ‘I never had a family,’ he said into her hair softly. ‘I was left, dumped in a side street. I bounced around the foster system for a while, but I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not till I signed up. Then I had brothers and sisters, a family to die for. A unit that would die for me. It was all I needed. Till you and Jamie came along. Now I know what family is, in the normal sense. I would throw myself into the path of anything that ever threatened to hurt either of you. I know what I want, but I need you to be sure of what you want. Know all the facts. Something is holding you back, I can feel it. Till you figure it out, I’m here.’ He lifted her head, wiped her tears with a white piece of cotton. Kate took it from him, looking at it. It was a handkerchief, with the initials TC sewn onto it.

  ‘Rita,’ he said grinning. ‘She made some for Jamie too. That woman never stops I swear.’

  Kate wiped her face dry of tears. Her head ached from the sudden outpouring of emotion.

  ‘What were you looking at when I came in?’ She asked, remembering. He flushed, shaking his head.

  ‘Nothing important,’ he said, but she could tell he was lying. She went in to embrace him, but grabbed at the paper and jumped off his lap. He was fast, standing to get it from her, but not fast enough. She saw the property pages from the daily paper.

  ‘Are you leaving?’ she asked.

  He walked towards her, and she noticed how steady on his feet he was.

  ‘After the bash, yeah I thought I might rent somewhere close. A flat. I need to think about my next move, maybe getting some work. My savings won’t last forever.’ Kate felt a slab of something laying heavy in her stomach. No, she thought. Nothing does.

  ‘Don’t overthink this Kate. it’s nothing to do with what I said. I am here for you and Jamie, I just need to put things in place for me, that’s all.’

  Kate nodded, and Cooper knew that she had closed herself down. Damn it. The woman was stubborn. He itched the stubble on the side of his face with both hands. The scrape scrape scrape of nails on skin and hair. ‘Kate, don’t do this.’

  She looked at him, shaking her head sadly. ‘Don’t you get it, Cooper? It’s already done.’

  Cooper

  I know what you are thinking. This is the part in the story when the man and woman get crossed signals. They see what their own insecurities see, and they turn tail and run. I’m different. You probably know that by now, and if you don’t, I am getting better at hiding it. Even from you. It’s true, at this point even I considered for a minute whether this could all work. The thing that stopped me was how I felt. After everything, all the pain and the cross words, I knew that what we had was worth the fight. Worth defending. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s defence. Fighting for a cause. In the army, you are taught to fight the doubts, push past the wall. The wall of Kate. It was a beautiful disaster, but I was already lost.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Kate ran her fingers through her hair in exasperation. The small air-conditioned room felt like a stale tomb and she pulled her red blouse away from her neck. It felt like her clothes were trying to suffocate her.

  ‘So, basically, I have to give him half my house, even though he pays nothing to Jamie, and paid less than half of everything throughout our marriage? I even paid the deposit on our house from the proceeds of my old house!’

  Helen Sharpe, the meanest family law solicitor the firm had, nodded slowly.

  ‘I’m afraid so Kate, the house is in both of your names, there’s no charge on the deeds stating that your deposit is to be paid back, and if you want to get divorced, this is the easiest way forward. Taking him through the courts to fight this, and to fight for maintenance will cost you thousands and could take years, if he digs his heels in. I understand you have a buyer waiting, he could deny the sale and you could lose the buyer. Are you paying the mortgage yourself?’

  Kate sighed. ‘Yep, of course I am. I always did.’

  Helen pursed her lips. ‘Having the joint account did complicate things somewhat. I would advise settling with him, selling the house and going through the CSA for maintenance. I can give you the details for the Child Maintenance Service, as a first step.’

  Kate looked at Helen in disbelief. ‘So a man can walk away from his disabled son, and still walk away with half of the house, leaving me with less money to provide a new home for the child he helped create and now can’t even face?’

  Helen took the thick black glasses off her nose and pushed them up into her brunette bun. Closing the file, she rested her forearms on it and looked at Kate, chewing her lip for a moment.

  ‘We can put pressure on him to accept less, and to start paying a set fee each month for Jamie. I can draft a contract up, and if he signs it, the house can be sold, you get your custody and money and you can move on. So far, the only thing he hasn’t objected to is the full custody request, and he has agreed to pay mainten
ance, just not what you were asking for.’

  ‘I asked him for a pittance! It’s nothing compared to what Jamie will need financially, even with the disability payments. I intend to keep working, but my hours will be less. I don’t think my request was unreasonable. How can we put pressure on him anyway, if he has already said no? I have nothing else to barter with. I lease my car, and his was written off!’

  Helen tapped her pen on the desk. The hollow plastic made a ‘tat tat tat’ noise on the wood.

  ‘You can threaten to cite him in the divorce.’ Kate puffed air into her cheeks. ‘Christ, it sounds so bloody sordid.’

  ‘It’s your best shot of settling this matter before you lose more money, and the possibility of the house sale. You need this Kate, and as your solicitor, this is what I recommend. It’s not ideal, but you are within the law to cite the reason for your divorce. The very fact you haven’t yet should make him think at least.’

  ‘What about Jamie though, and Neil’s parents?’

  Helen shrugged, but had the sense to look pained on Kate’s behalf at least.

  ‘Jamie is your priority. I can’t advise you on that, but as a mother myself, I would say that things like this tend to come out, and children hardly ever thank their parents for keeping them in the dark. Get your ducks in a row Kate, but I do need instructions to move forward, and soon. The buyer of the house has no chain, and they are eager to move in.’

  Kate nodded. ‘Okay, do what you have to do. I’ll sort out my end.’

  Helen stood up, tapping the file primly on the desk as she went to the door.

  ‘Kate, if you do contact Neil, do not discuss anything about your case with him. It just muddies the waters.’

  Kate picked up her handbag and went to follow her out.

  Muddy waters were the least of her problems. It was time to make things clear. Today. She would tell Jamie the truth one way or the other, and let the chips fall where they may.