Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  “Yes. New York is a great place.” Natalie turned to me. “April, officially, this is Kai Pierson.”

  April took my hand in hers and winked. “Nice to finally meet you, Kai.”

  “Naaaaat!” I looked where the screeching was coming from and saw Mackenzie, Tanner’s fiancée, honing in on us. She was obviously pregnant, but still rocked a two-piece bathing suit. She wrapped her arms around Natalie and hugged her tight. “God, we missed you.” She turned to me. “I’m Mackenzie, but you can call me Mac.”

  “Nice to meet you, Mac.”

  “Come on,” April said. “The guys are grilling and drinking beer. Bex will be right out; she ran into the house for a few minutes. I’m sure you want to get this part over with.”

  I nodded, and the girls laughed.

  “Kai thinks the guys are going to be hard on him,” Natalie admitted for me.

  We walked toward the outdoor kitchen after putting our things down on a chair. Natalie never let go of my hand.

  The guys turned and watched us until we stopped in front of them. I met Beau’s eyes, hoping to read what he may think before I stood in front of him.

  “Nat!” Beau stepped forward first and embraced her, followed by Johnny and then Tanner. “How are you? How was your trip?” His gaze snapped back to me, and Natalie cleared her throat.

  “Boys, you haven’t met him in person yet, but this is Kai Pierson.”

  I watched as all three of them registered her words, but the only one who mattered was Beau. I knew he would make or break things—he was the one she lived her life for.

  “It’s great to meet you.” Beau extended his hand and I reciprocated. His handshake was firm and no nonsense, but I didn’t sense any threat from him. “Thank you for all you and Natalie are doing to get ready for our tour. We’re beyond excited.”

  “Yeah, man, that’s epic,” Johnny piped in.

  “Great to meet you,” Tanner added.

  “What’s going on out here? Did our girl come back?” Bex’s voice boomed across the yard, and everyone turned to see her. She wore the tiniest bikini I might’ve ever seen in my life. I averted my eyes so none of them thought I was looking at her inappropriately, because I wasn’t.

  “Bex!” Natalie hugged her briefly before turning to me again. “This is Kai Pierson.”

  Bex smirked, looking between the two of us for a moment. “Kai. Nice to put a face to the name. You’ve been busting balls getting our shit ready for the tour. Thanks, man. It’s good to meet you.”

  She looked down at our entwined hands, and that’s when the rest of the band followed her gaze. I glanced at Beau, and I saw the question there.

  I squeezed her fingers, letting her know I would handle it. “I’m glad to be here with all of you. It’s an honor to represent you, but that’s not why I’m at your house today, Beau.” I struggled to swallow, trying to get the nerve to just say it. All of the possible outcomes flashed before my eyes.

  “I think we all gathered that.” Beau chuckled, and everyone else joined in.

  I suddenly understood Natalie’s unease when she met my friends and my mother, but this had an even bigger connotation for us. I was their label rep, regardless of what they thought of Natalie and me.

  “I—”

  “We’re seeing each other,” Natalie interjected. Six sets of eyes swung to me and then back to her, their mouths identically agape. “That’s why I stayed in New York for longer, not because we had more to do.” She smiled at me, and I swore my knees almost buckled underneath me. “Kai and I are…dating.”

  My man pride swelled to the size of this huge mansion. Natalie just stood in front of the people who meant the most to her in the world and announced with pride she was dating me.

  Mac and April squealed and hugged Natalie. Johnny and Tanner fist bumped both of us, and Beau hung back, waiting. His silence made me nervous, but I knew from what Natalie had told me he was rather reserved and quiet.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” Beau said as things quieted. Johnny and Tanner turned back to the grill, and April, Mac, and Bex walked over to the pool.

  “Beau.” Natalie’s voice held a warning tone.

  “It’s fine, Natalie,” I said. If Beau needed to find out my intentions with his sister, I would do whatever he needed me to do. “Where do you want to talk?”

  “Here is fine.” Beau indicated a plush outdoor couch a few feet away. He looked at his sister. “Go see the girls, Nat. I’ll only keep him for a minute.”

  Natalie and Beau had a silent conversation with their eyes, leaving me to stare and hope Beau didn’t hate me too much.

  Finally, Natalie let go of my fingers. “I’ll be right there,” she said, pointing to where the women were sitting at the side of the pool.

  I forced myself to smile. “I’m good.”

  She walked away, turning back every few feet to check on the two of us and issue Beau a look of warning.

  I couldn’t help it, I laughed. Maybe it was nerves, or maybe it was the irony of her trying to protect me. Beau shook his head, a grin playing on his face. “Let’s sit.”

  He settled on the couch, and I sat at the other end.

  “I’m not going to bust your balls or nothing.” Beau’s lips turned up at the corners, but he didn’t fully smile. “I know you as Kai, the man who’s taking Jaded Regret where we want to go. But what I want to know now that you are dating my sister is, who Kai the man is.”

  “That’s understandable. Ask away. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

  “You and my sister have been talking for quite a while. Did you know you wanted a relationship with her before New York?”

  Well. He wasn’t going to hold back.

  “Yes. I care about your sister a lot. A whole lot. We’re not sure how everything is going to play out with her being here and me there, but we want it to work.”

  He stared at his sister, who kept turning back to find us. She sat at the side of the pool with her cover up still on, while the other women sat in their bathing suits. The warning bells rang inside my head again.

  “She doesn’t date,” Beau said. “I can’t even tell you the last time she went out with someone.” I knew what he wasn’t saying. Be careful with her.

  “I’m not going to hurt her.”

  Beau nodded. “She may hurt you.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was issuing a warning or trying to get me to stay away from her. “Do you not want me to date her?”

  He sighed. “It’s not that at all. I want nothing more than to see her happy. I’m not sure how much you know about our childhood, Kai, but Natalie’s always taken it upon herself to do everything for everyone else, to her own detriment. She never thinks of what she wants or what’s best for her. I’ve tried to show her I’m okay, but she spent so many years trying to keep me stable—” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat. “She was my only constant, for most of our lives. Now that I have April and my kids, I’m better. So much better. But Natalie? I don’t think she’s ever left that place we hovered in for so long.”

  I absorbed the information he offered but wasn’t clear on why he was telling me any of this if it wasn’t to keep me away from her. Maybe he was trying to help me better understand her.

  “What do you mean, you don’t think she’s better?”

  Beau sighed and glanced at his sister. “She acts like she’s okay. She always has. But there’s no way she could be. Not with the shit that haunts her. You know what I mean?”

  I didn’t really, but I had an inkling.

  “Let me ask you a question.” I knew we started out this conversation as a “what do you want with my sister” thing, but now that he brought this up, I needed his opinion.

  “Anything.” I liked Beau already. He was soft spoken, quiet, and direct. He wasn’t looking to find fault with me, but to protect both of us and make sure his sister was happy.

  “Does Natalie have issues with eating?”

  Beau frowned. “Eating
?”

  I told him what I observed while we were in New York, but left off the part about her collapsing on the beach. I wanted his input, but I needed to ease into this.

  “She’s always been too thin,” Beau said, his gaze finding his sister again across the pool deck. “April said something to me a week or so ago about being worried about her, but I didn’t think much of it. April’s a worrier and likes to make sure people are taken care of. It’s the social worker in her.” Beau looked back at me. “Do you think something’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I sure don’t want to start trouble where there isn’t any. I just noticed she doesn’t eat much…at all.”

  Beau considered the information for a moment. “I’ll keep an eye on her, too. Let me know if you see anything else. You’re a good guy, Kai. I can tell that already. Not only have you done some great shit for our band, but you care about my sister. Thank you. I’m not sure how you got through to her, but I’m glad you did.” He paused, appearing to collect his thoughts. “Just remember this. At some point, Natalie will try to push you away. It’s just what we Andersons do. We never learned how to love correctly, so it’s hard for us to understand why someone would love us.”

  I found myself choked up; it was almost impossible to swallow over the lump in my throat. I imagined Beau and Natalie, as young, impressionable kids, first losing their father to suicide and then their mother when she abandoned them. I wondered what would ever make a mother turn her back on her children. It was unfathomable to me. “I’ll remember that, Beau. Thanks for opening up to me, and for accepting me as part of Natalie’s life. I know you two are very close, so your approval means everything.”

  “I want nothing more than for Natalie to realize she’s worthy of love like the rest of us.” He indicated the band. “Over the last several years, all of us have found that person. We’re a ragtag bunch with more screws loose than you could imagine, but we all did it. It’s her turn. She deserves it.”

  “There was one more thing…” I trailed off, not wanting to go there with him but needing him to know. Natalie may be angry with me for saying something, especially if he went to her afterward. But I had to do it. For her. “We were walking on the beach at her house last night after we got in from New York and she had some sort of episode.”

  Beau sat up straight. “What do you mean?”

  “She dropped to her knees and turned as white as the sand. She looked like she was going to be sick or pass out. I had her drink some water and that helped. Has anything like that ever happened to her before?”

  “What did she say afterward?”

  “She said she was fine, that she just felt lightheaded while we were out there and once she had water she felt better.”

  “She was fine the rest of the night?”

  “Yeah. I watched her like a hawk. I didn’t sleep a wink last night.”

  “I don’t know that anything like that has ever happened to her before. Maybe she was dehydrated?”

  “That’s what I thought, too, but I wanted to run it by you just in case. You know Natalie. She says she’s fine even when she isn’t.”

  Beau smiled a genuine, toothy grin. I knew Beau didn’t do that often. “You got that right. That girl doesn’t think making herself a priority matters at all. I’m glad she has you to show her she needs to do that sometimes.”

  He stood, and I followed. “You better get over there before she hunts me down and reads me the riot act for grilling you for too long.” He clapped me on the back. “You let me know if you need anything. I have the feeling my sister’s going to give you a run for your money, but you can handle it.”

  “Thanks, Beau. If you don’t mind, don’t mention I told you about last night. You know how she—”

  “Say no more.” Beau held up his hand. “I get it completely. But if you see her having any more issues, please let me know. She’d never admit something was wrong, anyway. And I’ll keep my eye on her about the eating thing, too. Maybe I’ll ask April about it again.”

  He walked back to the grill, and I made my way for Natalie, my heart rate finally returning to normal.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Natalie

  We walked hand in hand down the beach. It was a great weekend, and it was coming to an end. Kai would return to New York tomorrow morning so he could go back to work, and I would go back to my routine here.

  The barbecue at Beau’s house was wonderful. The band accepted him wholeheartedly, and Mac and April gave huge thumbs up for approval. Best of all, Beau liked him.

  It made me feel a million times better about what I was doing, even if I wasn’t quite sure what that was.

  We spent the day today sightseeing around town, which wasn’t nearly as exciting or flashy as New York. We were ending our day with a walk on the beach and spending every last moment soaking in our time together.

  Ever since I almost passed out on the beach, I didn’t feel right. Sometimes I felt lightheaded, others I felt like my heart would beat out of my chest. It didn’t make any sense, but I chalked it up to the emotions and stress of what was going on with Kai.

  I needed some good sleep—sleeping was a waste of time with him next to me—to get back on my exercise routine, and stop going out to eat. It seemed like all Kai wanted to do was tour the restaurants, whether we were here or in New York. I couldn’t imagine the amount of sodium, calories, and fat I consumed in the last week and a half.

  “So what happens tomorrow?” Kai stared out at the water as he spoke, but I heard the words like they were daggers that pierced my chest.

  “You go home, and I stay here,” I whispered. He squeezed my fingers.

  “Yeah, I know. But what happens to us, Natalie?”

  “We talk all day, every day like we always have. We make it work.” I know I made it sound simpler than it was, but I didn’t know the answer.

  “When do we see each other?”

  “We can figure out when you can come here for a weekend, or I can come there. We’ll do that until the tour. Then, we spend months together every day touring the world. After that, if we’re still both all in, we decide where we go from there.” I couldn’t believe I was talking to him about a year from now. Neither of us knew if we would make it that long. He might not be able to handle me.

  Kai stopped and pulled me into his arms. He rocked me back and forth on the sand like we were dancing to a silent beat. “I know it’s too soon, Natalie. I get it. But I can’t leave without you knowing.”

  My heart skipped a beat. “Knowing what?”

  “I love you.” Kai put his hands on the sides of my face, and I tipped my head back to see him—shocked by his confession. “I don’t expect you to say it back to me yet. I just wanted you to know. This is it for me. You’re it for me.” He leaned forward and rested his forehead on mine. “I love you,” he said again. The words wafted over my face and absorbed into my brain.

  Love.

  He loved me.

  There’s no way he could love me when he didn’t know the bad parts, the parts of me I could never get rid of. No one would love me, not even Beau. Not if the truth came out. They would know I was just as evil as she was and I wasn’t worthy of love.

  But I wanted him to love the Natalie he saw and not ever find out about those dark parts of my life.

  “I know I started this out saying I would go slow, and I’ve done anything but. First, I didn’t keep my promise to not sleep with you. But it’s so much more than just sex to me. When I’m inside you, I feel like my soul is entwined with yours. I feel like I’m complete. And now, I’m telling you I love you. I know it hasn’t been long enough, but for me, it’s been too long. Natalie Anderson, you’re worth loving. Please believe me when I say I don’t use those words lightly. Other than my siblings and parents, I’ve never said those words to anyone. Ever.”

  I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my head into his chest, hugging him tightly to me. My chest felt so full, like a balloon about to pop. I didn�
��t know if I loved him, I couldn’t even process what his admission made me feel. I couldn’t quite grasp that a man like Kai, who’d never loved anyone, could possibly love me.

  “Kai.” I breathed out, trying to get my emotions under control.

  This man turned my whole life upside down in the last week and a half. Even though we had known each other for several months before this, it was a lot for me to take in at once.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever understand why you feel the way you do about me, but I can accept it. I’m in with you, Kai. I am. I don’t want you to think I’m not because I can’t say the words yet. I’m just—”

  “I know.” He interrupted me. “You’ve never known love to be associated with anything but pain. Other than Beau and the band, no one has ever stayed around long enough for you to feel safe. I’m making you a promise, though. Are you listening?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “I’m going to tell you every day that I love you until you can say it back. But even more than that, I’m going to show you. So I don’t need you to say the words to acknowledge what I know you feel about me. I see it in your eyes—in the way you touch me. You need to find a reason to believe in love, and I’m determined to be the one who helps you do that.”

  My eyes welled with tears before I could stop them. I hated to cry and show weakness, but Kai knew exactly how to get right inside me and hit the nail on the head.

  “You get me,” I whispered, the tears escaping my eyes. As they ran down my face and dripped off my chin to the sand, I imagined my tears held all the pent-up pain from my past, now soaking into the sand under my feet. Gone. If only it were that easy to escape it. “No one ever gets me. Not really. I keep myself so closed off; I don’t let them. But you…you see me without me even allowing you to. You just do.”

  Kai kissed me softly. “I make it my mission to get you. I want nothing more than for you to look at me and know I’m the one there for you, no matter what.”

  No matter what. I wasn’t sure, despite his promise, that he could deliver on that.